posted
Hey all, this is my first attempt at a query on one of my projects and I'd love some feedback.
quote: Dear Awesome Agent,
Sixteen-year-old Jackie Compton finds herself in the wrong place at the wrong time when she stumbles into the midst of a kidnapping. A Good Samaritan intervenes to save her life, but then vanishes without a trace – along with the girl who was the kidnapper's original target. Wracked with survivor's guilt, Jackie starts looking for the girl on her own and instead discovers a terrible secret: there are aliens on Earth and they are preparing the way for an invasion.
Terith Auvreyson is a Directorate assassin, tasked with hunting down the most infamous criminal in the annals of the People: Eadoin Childkiller. Her search leads to Jackie's Good Samaritan, which is clearly impossible. Why would the Childkiller risk his life to save anyone, much less a human? As Terith slowly untangles the web of deceit around the Childkilling, she begins to doubt both her mission and the Directorate she serves.
Jackie's quest draws her deeper into the intriuges of the alien People and she abandons her family in order to protect it. Terith's hunt spirals out of control until she comes face-to-face with the Childkiller and is forced to confront her doubts head-on. While Jackie struggles to come to terms with the People's plans for Earth, Terith must decide between her duty and her conscience. All that's at stake is the life of one human child – and the fate of the world.
THE GOOD SAMARITAN is a science fantasy novel, complete at 85,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration, Me
All right, attempt number two. This is a lot more focused and more "teaser"-ish than the first one. I'm not sure I've had any success cutting down on the number of characters mentioned, but hopefully this version is at least a little less confusing!
quote: Dear Awesome Agent,
Sixteen-year-old Jackie Compton is an ordinary American teenager; she spends her free time hanging out with friends and her biggest worry is convincing her parents she's responsible enough to have her own car. But all that changes when she stumbles into the midst of a kidnapping. Twenty-four hours later her kidnapper is dead and the Good Samaritan who killed him has vanished without a trace; all she is left with are bad memories and far too many unanswered questions.
As Jackie struggles to fit back into her old life, she begins to notice people who remind her of her kidnapper. They come in every size and color but they all have the same angular faces and gawky bodies, as if they never grew out of adolescence. She tries to convince herself it's just paranoia, but she can't shake the feeling that there's something [u]wrong[/u] about them. When one shows up at her house, claiming to be from the FBI and asking questions about that night, she starts demanding answers to her own questions. Once she gets those answers, there's no going back to the life she had before.
Because there are aliens on Earth and they are preparing for an invasion.
THE GOOD SAMARITAN is a science fantasy novel, complete at 85,000 words.
&c. &c.
[This message has been edited by Kitti (edited December 14, 2009).]
posted
This is interesting, but I think it would be better to focus on either Jackie or Terith, whichever is the main character. That way you can give us more insight into the main character and why would should care about her.
All I know about Jackie is that she a teenager who is compelled to find the kidnapped girl, and I know less about Terith. I am assuming Terith is one of the aliens invading earth. The premise is interesting, but I think it would be stronger if you could make care about one of the characters involved.
posted
I thought it was very interesting, good job. However it took me a minute to realize Terith was an alien. Is there a way to make that more clear sooner?
Posts: 238 | Registered: Jul 2009
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posted
Too many names without labels. As I read, I became hopelessly lost in who was what. You've got the MC, the Good Samaritan and the girl. Then we've got aliens taking over the Earth. A directorate detective, a master criminal, and somehow the MC is hopelessly lost in this mix of characters... so is the reader.
You've got to distill your pitch down so that the reader can easily understand who is who. Are any of these people aliens? If the MC is protecting the aliens who are going to take over the earth, why is she doing it?
Why does the MC have a common name and everyone else has these exotic fantasy-like names? You've got to let the agent know what timeframe this is. Is it far in the future? I couldn't really tell.
I'd rip out the names and some of the description and go a bit generic. Save the details for the synopsis. Make it easlly understandable. There is certainly enough going on to get an agent engaged in the plot without as much detail.
posted
Thanks for the feedback everyone. More focus, less confusing - check! Will work on this and post a new version shortly.
Owasm, I'm blushing over here. I can't believe I didn't give any hint whatsoever about where/when this takes place! First on my list of things to fix...
posted
bump for new version
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dougsguitar
unregistered
posted
Kitti, Second attempt gets a thumbs up from me... bear in mind my own newbieness. Reducing the name-count made a big difference. The teaser of all those 'alike' people she was seeing was subtle and felt well placed to me. The only stall I got was with the last sentence... maybe as simple as dropping the word 'Because'. Otherwise it read well and felt tight.
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quote:Dear Awesome Agent, Sixteen-year-old Jackie Compton is an ordinary American teenager; she spends her free time hanging out with friends, (added a comma) and her biggest worry is convincing her parents she's responsible enough to have her own car. But all that changes when she stumbles (into the midst of) cut and replace with on a kidnapping. Twenty-four hours later her kidnapper is dead and the Good Samaritan who killed him has vanished without a trace; all she is left with are bad memories and far too many unanswered questions.
Okay, the end is a tad unclear. She stumbles on a kidnapping which to me implies that she is not the target of the kidnapper, but then in the next sentence you say her kidnapper is dead. So was the kidnapper trying to kidnap her or someone else?
As Jackie struggles to fit back into her old life, she begins to notice people who remind her of her kidnapper. They come in every size and color,(added a comma) but they all have the same angular faces and gawky bodies, as if they never grew out of adolescence. She tries to convince herself it's just paranoia, but she can't shake the feeling that there's something [u]wrong[/u] about them. When one shows up at her house,(delete comma here) claiming to be from the FBI and asking questions about that night, she starts demanding answers to her own questions. Once she gets those answers, there's no going back to the life she had before.
I absolutely love your description of the aliens, very creepy. The idea of her demanding answers from the FBI and getting them seems a little unrealistic for a sixteen-year-old. Maybe you can expand here.
Because there are aliens on Earth and they are preparing for an invasion.
I really like this a lot. Just a little fine tuning and your ready to go IMO.
Good Luck!!
[This message has been edited by MAP (edited December 18, 2009).]
posted
Okay, now that I've read it the whole thing.
Three things strike me about the query. I didn't get that much of Jackie struggling to fit back into her old life, There was more of her lingering terror and the way certain people seemed to touch that off. But, because she's afraid for her brother, she tries to find answers anyway. Which does get her into trouble.
The last line about the aliens planning an invasion also doesn't quite ring true to the story. Some are, some aren't and it's unclear just what will happen when the fleet arrives. The issue is more that there is a division between the aliens about the fate of Earth and Jackie doesn't know which side to trust.
One of the interesting aspects of the story that's left out of this query: Even though some of the aliens scare Jackie, she scares them, too.
Good Luck.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited January 22, 2010).]
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