posted
This is the first thirteen lines of Chapter 1 of my YA urban fantasy. I'm currently reconsidering the title, so for now we'll call it Untitled. It's sitting at 55,000 words though I'm in the process of editing so I expect that to fluctuate a bit. Please let me know what you like/dislike/find confusing/etc. Thanks!
I looked through my reflection in the window at the flat granite building staring back at me. A sign with the name in bold print stood out front to warn new students they crossed into unknown territory. Gravesend High School. I took a deep breath and gathered my book bag around me like a talisman.
“Here we are,” Mom said with a touch of that anxiety she tried so hard to hide on days like this.
“See you this afternoon,” I said. I was better at hiding my feelings than she was. No need to get her all worked up.
There were only five hundred and seventy four students at Gravesend High. Well, seventy five now that I was enrolled. I’d read that on the web site about thirty times in the last week. Five hundred-seventy four.
I looked through my reflection in the window at the flat granite building staring back at me. (Would it read better if you just said, "I looked through the window at the..."?)
A sign with the name in bold print stood out front to warn new students they crossed into unknown territory.(Suggest: Out front, the Gravesend High School sign warned students they'd crossed into unknown territory.") Gravesend High School. I took a deep breath and gathered (Suggest: "hugged" or "pressed" instead of "gathered.")my book bag around me like a talisman.
“Here we are,” Mom said with a touch of that anxiety she tried so hard to hide on days like this.
“See you this afternoon,” I said. I was better at hiding my feelings than she was. No need to get her all worked up. (Is there a way to show, not tell this? Something like, "I said, calmly, my nerves a bundle of...seething beneath my serene face.")
There were only five hundred and seventy four students at Gravesend High. Well, seventy five now that I was enrolled. I’d read that on the web site about thirty times (Excellent) in the last week. Five hundred-seventy four.
(Interesting. I would read more. Love the Gravesend name. Good luck.)
posted
It is well written with nice details, but starting with arriving at the new school is a little mundane and generic and doesn't give the reader a feel for what type of story you are telling.
I think there is a better place to begin. Maybe when she is in line at the attendance office?
[This message has been edited by MAP (edited April 06, 2010).]
posted
Thanks MAP, I'll look over it and see where I can cut into the attendance office part. I started even earlier than this at first, with her at home getting ready for school. But I was bored with my own writing so I cut out five pages and began here. I hate deleting, which is why I STILL didn't get it in the right spot, but hearing it from someone else helps. Thank you!
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posted
I kind of like it starting here. The looking through the reflection gives it a morose mood, and the name of the school makes me think Urban fantasy.
My only issue is that Twilight started in a very similar way, or at least it should have. I'm getting a very Twilight feel. Maybe it's the first person. That isn't a bad thing, just something you might want to watch out for.
posted
Thanks Sheena, I didn't really think about it like that. I read Twilight, and I liked it, but that was a few years ago! I didn't realize this read similarly, other than it is in first person. Hmmmm. I'll have to figure out how to make it stand out as its own work.
I wanted it to have a morose feeling, since it is a dark urban fantasy, so I'm glad at least that the mood came through. Thanks for the imput!
posted
I agree with some of the other commenters, this isn't a really great place to start. I don't see a hook in your first thirteen here. Arriving at the first day of school is an intense moment for the character, but the reader probably isn't as invested at this point, it won't have meaning until later, which means it won't be interesting to them.
Also, if this urban fantasy involves vampires, zombies, or some other undead, I'd strongly recommend against "GravesEnd" as the name of the school, unless this is intended satire. It's a little over the top I think.
Otherwise, the character has a decent voice, if a little restrained. For a first person perspective, I'd think we'd get a little more of the character's emotions. Instead the character seems to be describing the actions they are taking instead of showing us the emotion behind them.
Also... I noticed a few other people made the same assumption that I did that the protagonist is a girl, but looking closer, there's no real evidence that's the case. Is she a girl? If so, perhaps you might want to sneak in some evidence to that effect.
posted
It's not about vampires, zombies or undead. It IS about demonic possession, but it doesn't directly relate to the name of the town.
The name Gravesend (GraveSend, though I liked the way it could also be read GravesEnd) comes from the history I created when writing the background info (for myself). It was a small mining town in the mountains, and the only one with an embalmer back in the 1800s during the height of silver mining. Trains transported the bodies of dead miners into town to be emballmed, then the bodies were transported back to their families. This was a common practice during the Civil War, and I borrowed the practice for the book. (Only some of this info makes it into the story, but there is enough that the name makes sense.)
I've also changed where the story will begin. I'm getting rid of the prologue and merging it with chapter one to begin a little earlier in a different setting with more jeopardy to act as the hook. I see what everyone is saying that there isn't enough here to pull you in. Thanks for the feedback, I'll have the new version in a couple of days.
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