Here's a reworked 13 for Finish Line. Comment away. Thanks.
Alaska was big enough to hide its secrets, except in quaint island communities like Ketchikan. Cree’s hometown had a way of peeling back the layers to expose the juiciest tidbits. Chasing down a runaway car outside his dad’s fire station was one thing. But when the car had a fifty yard head start and everybody saw Cree’s insane speed, his life as a normal sixteen-year-old was done. Besides, being a freak had its advantages. Running the fastest 100-meter dash in Olympic history didn’t seem so farfetched anymore–not with half the town watching, even cheering him on. Control his fear, channel his anger, win. So why did his grandfather’s words coil his gut?–Fear is like oxygen, you have to breathe it deep to blow it out.
posted
Hi, It's a bit confusing. I think you have packed a bit too much information into these thirteen lines. You might try starting with a scene. What is Cree doing right now? Is he running the 100-meter dash in the beginning or is he chasing down the car?
It jumped around so much that I had to read it twice to figure out that Cree chased down the runaway car by running. At first I thought he was driving after it.
Why is he trying to control his fear and channel his anger? I didn't know he was angry or scared? Why is his granfather telling him that "Fear is like oxygen, you have to breathe it deep to blow it out."
If I were you I'd start in the now. What is Cree doing in the beginning of the story? The first sentence is fine but I would follow it with something like, "Cree's legs were almost a blur as he raced down first avenue with half the town cheering at his impossible speed." Then you can show us everything and we will understand Cree's anger and fear because we lived it with him.
[This message has been edited by satate (edited May 13, 2010).]
posted
Hi Wum, MUUUCH better this time around. Fewer names (I think you had quite a few names before, right?) Although (if I'm remembering this right) I miss the "it was Cree's somewhere" line. (If I'm thinking of another story, sorry!)
I, too thought Cree was driving UNTIL you mentioned the Olympic thing. It felt a lot like a summary though. Like you were bringing me up to speed on something you should probably just show me. But I like the first two lines and I like the grandfather's saying. I'm not sure what the actual book is going to be about from this (probably Cree's life as a runner), though that's true of a lot of books in their first thirteen lines.
If you've got the entire length of a novel to play with, you might not need to cram so much into the first thirteen. That beign said, I like the way the pace is fast and you get a little bit of a breathless feeling reading it. Sort of the way I'd imagine Cree is feeling, chasing after a car. It was also sort of funny, the picture of Cree in my mind running after a car, but also a little scary because I actually believe he might do it and that means he is crazy fast.
posted
Not having read the first version, I think this reads okay. I still think you're pushing it by stuffing the grandfather's advice into the opening. What is the hook? Fear is the great motivator?
As a suggestion, I would milk the car chasing event and have him catch the car as the hook. The Olympics stuff and grandfather quote can come in the next few pages. The fact that he is fleet of foot seems to come to quickly. I'm not so sure the hidden facets of Alaska has as much bearing on his speed. Turn the opening into an event you show rather than tell.
While I can’t say I have an overly practiced eye regarding literary novels, I think the basic principles of inciting moment/conflict for an opening remain the same across genre. The nature of the conflict will vary, but I think the base principles still apply.
For me this opening doesn’t work because you’re telling backstory and you’re not making the conflict as clear as it could be.
The scene is actually Cree getting ready to run a race, but the opening lines are told backstory (i.e. instead of saying the hometown had a way of peeling back layers, a series of scenes throughout the novel can show us how the small community has no secrets…the bit about him running down a car is placed outside his POV and isn’t happening in present time, so it can come later through dialogue or flashback).
The conflict here seems to be Cree’s desire to be normal against the expectations of the town, but you haven’t effectively shown us why this is such a conflict. For most sixteen year olds, being an athletic hero is a bit of a dream and there’s nothing to counteract the expectation (in fact, he even states that being a “freak” has its advantages). Give us a stronger reason why he doesn’t want to win or why he’s scared and then the actual running of the race has tension (will he sabotage himself?)
I’d recast the opening scene as being the start of the race, with the conflict clearly presented through Cree’s thoughts. Why is he scared? Where does the conflict come from? The how and why of why he’s in the race can come later. In a literary novel, you can probably give an extended description of the environment, with plenty of well-written detail, but I think it probably has to happen in real time.
posted
I agree with a lot of the posters above; start with action. Show Cree chasing the car - the car "runs away", he goes after it, catches it. Maybe you could even switch it up - we assume he's driving at first, but then he stops to tie his shoelace or something.
Couch the grandfather's advice in a specific situation - he'll remember them when he needs them. Right now they're kind of floating.
I haven't read the original, so I can't judge the change, but it's good that you're revising. Keep writing!
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