posted
The first draft of the book is around 180 pages long. I think the second draft will be around the same length, but I'm not certain. I started writing the first draft at an immature age of eleven. The second draft is coming along much, much better. I'm currently up to the fourth chapter, but I want to rewrite the second chapter and change that chapter's POV. I think it will make the book (series) smoother and somewhat more profound. Here's the first thirteen lines.
An elderly man was looking into the stars. With his right elbow, he leaned on the windowsill wearing a distressed face and to his left laid a black crystal ball. A soft summer night breeze swam gently around him. His golden crown rested on his thin white hair combed to the side. The gems of his crown sparkled at the scintillating stars. “Do you truly think this is what it’s come to?” Superior Kaswer said in a low voice still staring at the stars of the clearly lit night. “It’s not something I want to do, Superior. It’s what must be done,” Queen Naomi said, remaining seated in front of the older man’s desk. Queen Naomi wore a crown much smaller than Superior Kaswer’s. Her crown was dazzling light pink without any
I got a chance to edit this a little bit so the comments from earlier applied more before my editting. I also added the more information to my introductory paragraph. Thanks for all the comments.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 25, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by YNRedef (edited February 12, 2011).]
posted
Hello and welcome. I'll just offer a comment for the first line. An elderly man was looking into the stars leaning on a windowsill. (1) Be careful with subject versus object. Unless the stars are actually on the windowsill, I believe you mean: An elderly man leaned on the windowsil and looked up at the stars. (2) I'd suggest replacing "an elderly man" with an actual name (it provides intimacy with the character), and perhaps try showing/feeling his age instead of telling it. E.g. Joseph leaned on the windowsill and squinted up at the stars. The stone beneath his arthritic fingers was cold, and a sudden gust of wind slithered beneath his cloak like a wet eel, eliciting a shiver. A lock of brittle gray hair fell into his eyes. He flipped it away with a shake of his head and winced at the grating of the bones in his neck.
Respectfully, Dr. Bob
[This message has been edited by History (edited January 25, 2011).]
posted
Thank you very much Mrs. Woodbury. I appreciate the correction. Also, Thank you too Dr. Bob. I appreciate you pointing out those thoughts. I agree that the first sentence was not the greatest. Thanks for pointing that out. I'm going to take out the last four words in the first sentence. However, I enjoyed the original reading more. I liked saying "An elderly man" straight out more than alluding to it. That could be completely a personal opinion or dependant on the crowd I'm reaching for or another factor. Mrs. Woodbury, what do you think such changes are dependant on? By the way, did you find the above lines to be a significant hook? Thank you very much Dr. Bob, I really appreciate your outlook. I'm looking forward to hearing from you.
posted
Thank you for the courteous reply to my comments.
I did not find the opening "a strong hook", though you introduce evidence of an as yet unexpalained conflict in the brief dialog between your two characters. I suspect this would be clarified and strengthened in the subsequent paragraphs.
When visiting bookstores recently, I randomly select books to read their opening paragraph. Most do not have what I consider "a strong hook", particularly novels. I find the back cover blurbs attempt to serve this purpose. However, I prefer to avoid reading the back covers for fear of spoiling the story.
There are some exceptions, of course. Host Orson Scott Card's opening line to his ENDER"S GAME is considered one of the best hooks in sf. I have found Jim Butcher's THE DRESEDEN FILES to consistently open with very strong hooks (e.g. "The building was on fire and it wasn't my fault!")
Of course, even with a great hook, the dilemma I discovered is how to keep the reader on the line--i.e. continuing to read. Going from a great hook to scene set-up, character introduction, and conflict development slows the pace/flow of one's story for today's Facebook/Twitter/Iphone info-saturated ADHD readers, who may then "get away."
I'm told Anne Rice's INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE was crafted with a godd hook at the beginning of the first page, the end of the first page, and the top of the second page that kept her subsequent agent reading.
Whatever you do. Have fun with it.
Respectfully, Dr. Bob
[This message has been edited by History (edited January 27, 2011).]
posted
History, thank you for your reply. Thanks for that piece of advice. Mrs. Woodbury, my question should have been as follows in this situation: Is it better to state straight forward that the character is an elderly man or is it better to give that piece of information through detail which I would not have mentioned earlier? Sorry, I read the information earlier. I was in a rush writing that post because I was on a friends laptop.
posted
Ah! Okay, then. My answer would be that whether you state straightforward that the character is an elderly man or not depends on how important it is for the reader to know whether he is an elderly man or not. How much difference would it make to the reader's experience of the story if the reader did not know he was an elderly man from your first sentence?
You really should only include things in your story that you absolutely need to include (or to paraphrase OSC: everything in your story should be able to fight for the right to be included--anything that can't fight and win that right should be deleted).
For example, in the above first 13 lines, the repetition of the leaning on the windowsill would not be justified and so one or the other of the two references should be deleted.
Another example: would this elderly man named "Superior Kaswer" really call "Queen Naomi" by her title in the circumstances of the scene (which does not appear to be a formal setting), and would she call him by his title ("Superior" is a title, right, and not his name? If it is his name, would she call him by his full name either) in this situation?
The titles, in dialogue, most likely could not fight for the right to be in the story and probably should be deleted, especially since the names, with titles included, are given immediately after the dialogue.
You have to watch for redundancies as well as for information that may or may not be crucial enough to the story to be included.
posted
Thank you so much. I find that piece of advice very helpful. (Specifically the piece about fighting for the right to be included in the story... in the parenthesis). Thanks again! Posts: 25 | Registered: Jan 2011
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