It took awhile, but I think I'm closer. Hard as hell trying to stuff ten lbs in a five lb bag. Thanks to all the helpful baggers on this site, I think I might be closer.13 is addicting to me. Step right up now, Granny is waiting to take your dollar for three charts. Granny has a devilish look in her eyes. Noooooo! Granny, not free darts. _________________________________________________________
The man dangled feet first ten stories above the vacant lot and cried like a baby. "Please mister, please let me go. I'm sorry. I'll never touch another child, I'll get help."Garic stepped closer and snarled. "My name is Garic, you sorry excuse for a human. You're only sorry you got caught. You see that little white square down there? The man glanced down and nodded. "Its the Bangor Daily News. In a couple of seconds your face will be splattered all over the front page. It's the first and last warning, I'm hunting." The man began to rotate until he was head down, then stopped. Garic shut his mind down then and the man dropped. As he dropped, Garic turned to walk away when a voice suddenly filled the air."Garic,you have cleared the last hurdle and I think you're strong enough to free the Ancient's.
Would this 13 rewrite entice anyone to turn the page? Yes, No, maybe, or hell no? Step up now and grab your darts.
Garic's prey sobbed as he dangled feet first ten stories above the vacant lot. "Please mister, let me go. I'm sorry for what I've done and I promise I'll get help." Garic leaned closer and snarled." You're only sorry you got caught, but I'll still help you. You see that little white square down there? The man glanced down, then nodded. "It's the Bangor Daily News and I guarantee a second after you read the year twenty twelve, you'll be cured and never again harm a child." The man began to rotate until he was head down. Garic severed the link holding the pedophile and turned to walk away. A voice suddenly filled the air. "Well Garic, I think he'll learn what the last thing is to go through a bugs mind after hitting a windshield. Warily, Garic looked around. "Who said that? Show yourself."
[This message has been edited by Craig (edited June 25, 2011).]
You have a very fun, active beginning to your story. Nits follow.
quote: The man dangled feet first...
Starting a book with "the man" is a little dangerous. I realize he may be nothing more than "some puny human/criminal/etc" to Garic, but when you lack description at the beginning it feels less dispassionate and more like you don't know what to say. "Garic's latest victim..," "Garic's toy..." You can indicate that "the man" isn't important without leaving the reader lacking for a grip on what's happening.
quote: As he dropped, Garic turned to walk away when a voice suddenly filled the...
A lot of actions happen in a tight sequence. It leaves me reeling, trying to figure out what the real action was in the sentence. I had to go back over it twice to piece it together. Consider separating it: "Garic ignored the falling idiot and turned to walk away. A voice suddenly filled the air..."
quote: "Garic,you have cleared the last hurdle and I think you're strong enough to free the Ancient's...
At this point it starts to sound like the beginning of a video game to me. I'd rather see humor, anger, or something in the disembodied voice. "Garic, was that entirely neccessary?" "Why do you waste your time with such creatures, Garic?" "Took you long enough, Garic. I was beginning to think you'd started to feel mercy for them."
mic, You hit the nail on the head, I didn't know what to say, but I think I do now. I also see what you mean about the falling and something better at the end. Thanks, now I have to rearrange items in five pound bag. Posts: 76 | Registered: Apr 2008
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Well, this opening is quite different than the previous one you posted – and packs a lot more punch. I like the change.
I’ve got a couple of suggestions:
Consider opening with dialogue – start with the pedophile pleading for his life – something like this:
"Please mister, please let me go. I'm sorry. I'll never touch another child, I'll get help." The man twisted slowly, suspended by a thin rope from an overhanging (whatever), ten stories above a trash-filled lot.
Then have Garic speak – but doesn’t give his name, like this:
“You sorry excuse for a human. You're only sorry you got caught. You see that little white square down there?” Garic pointed toward the vacant lot. The man glanced down and nodded. "It’s the front page of the Bangor Daily News. In a couple of seconds your face will be splattered all over it.” (I left out the part about the warning and hunting – they stopped me, for I didn’t understand their relevance – your call.) Garic released the rope and the man plummeted down head first. As Garic turned, a voice called out, "Garic, you’ve cleared the last hurdle. I believe you're strong enough to free the Ancients.”
As you can see, I’ve also ‘tightened’ your opening. Well, what d’you think?”
Remember the first rule of writing… Write!
MBW p.s. – have you taken a look at my posted opening?
I like the second opening better--it's quicker and tells me who's p.o.v. I'm in immediately, as opposed to the first which started with "the man." On the other hand, I liked Garic's "splashed all over the front page" line better than the "you'll be cured" line--the second sounds way too forced and preachy. Besides, you don't really need to mention that the guy hurts children in that line--it's covered a moment later when you say he "severed the link holding the pedophile." And finally, the bug-through-windshield line also sounded pretty forced and a bit ridiculous, IMO. Also, it tells us nothing about the mysterious speaker, except that he thinks he's funny. Which, if that's the personality you're going for, I guess works just fine. That first moment of dialogue is our first impression of Mr.(Ms.?) Disembodied Voice, so you want it to give a good hint of his personality/motivation/allegiance/whatever.
Aside from those reactions, the overall feel and voice and set-up is quite intriguing and fun to read. Just tweak it a bit more, and squeeze another pound or two into your bag, and I think you're there.
I think both have merits, it's almost like you need to combine them. Start it with the Garic's prey line but the first one gets why he's Curic's prey in sooner. The second one sounds like he is just out to hurt people. Until later.
The bug line is okay and the second one has time to show that he didn't know the Voice. That's good.
Over all I guess I would vote for the second one but the first has a couple of good points the second doesn't.