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Author Topic: First 13 - PLACE OF REST (working title)
LeetahWest
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I realize this is only the first 12, but it is my first paragraph so far. I need to see if this works as the beginning or if I should put a little bit of the backstory in here as the 13 line hook. Be harsh please. This is a first draft so I wont be offended and greatly appreciate any and all feedback.

Diederich’s hand trembled as he pressed the “end” button on the phone. His brain seemed to have been switched into slow motion when his father revealed the reason for the phone call. It was a struggle to get his thoughts going full speed again. Germany. Ruhestätte. Six hundred years of history. The history of his family line. It was Diederich’s responsibility now. He had heard so many stories as a child about Ruhestätte, the family estate in Germany. He had nearly forgotten it since Opa died. Opa had always talked about it, reminiscing about the good ole days. Before the homeland had betrayed him.

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Denevius
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the second line would be stronger if you show how his brain switches to slow mold. what does that mean and how does it appear to him? describing that would also encompass line three, which would be him trying to settle out whatever unsettled him.

it might create more of a hook if you simply write what was said in the phone call instead of alluding to it, particularly if, as it seems, the phone call is actually what gets the story moving.

how much of the first draft do you have written so far?

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LeetahWest
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I would have started with the phone call but I felt that the implications of the call were more important than what was actually said. I will try writing it out though and see how it works.

I'm only a few chapters into my first draft so I am aware it could still change quite a bit. I just finished my basic plot outline two days ago and I'm excited to actually be at the writing phase.

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LeetahWest
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Ok, lets give this a go then.

Diederich’s hand trembled as he pressed the “end” button on the phone. Germany. Ruhestätte. Six hundred years. The history of his family line. It was Diederich’s responsibility now. As a historian, this inheritance was just about the greatest thing he could imagine happening to him.

When he had began the conversation with his father, it had been like any other. Formalities of “How are you?” had trailed with the obligatory “I’m doing fine, and you?” But when Pa had revealed the reason for his phone call and told Diederich he would be getting an early inheritance of some real estate, adrenaline began trickling into his bloodstream and the world seemed to go in slow motion. He wondered what his father was on about because his parents owned no real estate, aside from their

[ December 17, 2011, 12:19 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]

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annepin
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The second version is tighter, but I find the amount of back story and summary still daunting and tough to navigate. If you don't want to start with the phone call can you start somewhere later? When he's actually traveling to Germany or something? Then you could slowly introduce the back story.
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Leslie
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I agree with Annepin. You don't need to give all that summary and back story in the first few lines. I liked how in the first version you said his mind slowed when he got the news, BUT I think you should show that rather than telling it. Perhaps give us his thoughts, what does he do to try to clear his head. I think for the first couple of lines, if done correctly, the idea that something his father said about their background upset him. Wondering what it was that upset him so much would be enough of a page turner for me if I like the writing style.

Over all it sounds like an intriguing story idea.

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RLKnight
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quote:
Originally posted by LeetahWest:
I would have started with the phone call but I felt that the implications of the call were more important than what was actually said. I will try writing it out though and see how it works.

In my opinion, starting with the conversation may be the way to go. It introduces character personalities and gives the reader a chance to empathize with the protagonist. It would also give you a chance to show his mind in slow motion or recovering from the shock, ect.
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elilyn
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Need a reader? I'm not much of a critic, but I'd like a chance to look at what you've got.
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LeetahWest
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I'm not ready for readers yet, but when I get to that point I will keep you in mind. Thanks for the offer.
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RobED
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For me, I felt like this was the hook:

quote:
Germany. Ruhestätte. Six hundred years of history. The history of his family line. It was Diederich’s responsibility now. He had heard so many stories as a child about Ruhestätte, the family estate in Germany. He had nearly forgotten it since Opa died. Opa had always talked about it, reminiscing about the good ole days. Before the homeland had betrayed him.
Do you think it would work if you started there? It is snappy and interesting. You could then go into the call afterwards.
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