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Author Topic: A Distant Eden - First 13
Lloyd Tackitt
Member # 9714

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This is a 60,000 word apocalypse survival story. A solar storm permanently knocks out the electrical grid sending the "civilized" portions of the world to the stone age. There is a 3% survival rate. This is a story of one family that is spread out when the event occurs and how they get back together and how they survive. There is also a romantic line running through it with the two main characters.

I have the first draft complete and am well into the second draft. I don't imagine any one out there is crazy enough, or bored enough, to read and critique all of it, but any help with any part is truly appreciated. I am willing to swap book critiques with anyone with a similar size book.

Below are the first 13 lines of chapter one. There is an epilogue that sets up chapter one, basically a brief recount of a family get together while the sun is churning up a storm.

It was only a few weeks later when the power went off, shutting down Roman's computer and the office's lights. Everything went dead silent for a second, and then there was the usual chorus of moans and just audible curses from the cubicles as work was lost in the blink of an eye.

"Damn" Roman groaned to himself. He looked out the window of his 20th story cubicle, looking out across downtown Fort Worth. "Hey Jim" he said to the occupant of the adjacent cubicle "look at that, all the cars have stopped on the interstate, must be a big wreck somewhere."

The words had no more than left his mouth than he noticed a helicopter heading for the ground in a controlled crash, autorotating. The chopper disappeared behind a building, but he

[ December 29, 2011, 08:35 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]

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I like everything up to..."the pilot was uninjured."

But then I think he figured things out way too quickly. Wouldn't he try the work phone, check his cellphone, talk to his coworkers, and listen to what they are saying back... You have a whole room full of reshirted coworkers that the reader doesn't care about, but that Roman has eaten lunch with for years.

I say you add some action, like maybe have the helicopter crash into his office building. Then you can have Roman figure out what's going on, (maybe discuss it with Jim and they work together to figure out what's happening, before Jim dies in some spectacular way) while running for his life.

Just my opinion. Good luck with it.

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I basically agree with Sheena.

I'm wondering how he even figures out that it has to be either of the two events.

I suggest possible starting with a paragraph showing the scene he sees from the window, then have the helicopter crash into the building. This should be a very chaotic scene. Show them running for their survival, let Roman witness a close friends death. Also, does he have to know what is happening, maybe save this for later.

Your story idea sounds very interesting. Should be a good read.

Hope this helps,

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Lloyd Tackitt
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Ah - good points! I have the whole story in my head so to me it seems obvious why he figured it out so fast. And that is the point of the exercise - to remind me that what is in my head and isn't on paper doesn't get to the reader.

I need to explain why he understood so quickly.

Thank you!

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