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Author Topic: Changer
Member # 9758

 - posted      Profile for ForlornShadow   Email ForlornShadow         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
So the other story kind of took a backseat until I figure out what I want to do with it. I had sudden inspiration and I needed to get it out. I need to know if it will be worth continuing. I'm about a quarter of the way done with the first section.

My mother always told my brother and me that no matter what happened in life we always had a choice. No matter how big or how small that choice had the chance to make a big impact on our lives. At the moment I had two choices, I could either keep quiet and hope to high heaven I wouldn‘t be found or I could face whoever was coming from the tunnels head on before they knew what had hit them. I took a deep breath and waited, gripping my worn bow as tightly as I dared. The footsteps were getting closer, they weren’t the quiet, delicate footsteps of my mother. Oh, no, they were heavy, metallic footsteps; footsteps that never came out of the tunnels on a normal day. But then again, this hasn’t been a normal day; it hasn’t even been a normal week. For one, the cycles are messed up, not to mention

There it is. Constructive criticism is appreciated.

[ August 02, 2012, 10:02 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]

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Member # 5512

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Hm. A paragraph break would be nice.
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Member # 1818

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I like the dramatic tension of the opener: guy at the decision point of a tough decision where either choice is likely to lead to a difficult, dangerous situation. That is a solid hook for me.

For me, though, this opening is a bit vague. Personally, I would rather just know up front what is happening here, rather than dancing around, hinting about it. Why is this person hiding outside a tunnel out of which a heavy, metal-booted (maybe? That's what I'm imagining from the heavy, metallic footsteps) thing is coming? If I knew that, the dramatic tension of the difficult decision would be even stronger, I think.

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