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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Warrior Mage - Another NaNo offering

   
Author Topic: Warrior Mage - Another NaNo offering
Owasm
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I haven't done one of these in quite a while, but I thought I'd give it a go. This is the sequel to a collection of episodes with this same bounty hunter of magicians who carries a magic sword. I've already finished it at 91K words (85K words were written during NaNo.) If anyone would like to give it or any part of it a read, I'd be more than happy.


Brull pulled the Sword of Spells from the sheath that lay across his broad back. Through darkness, he crept in the humid confines of a string of caves. He didn’t like taking jobs bringing back female magic practitioners, but he didn’t have a choice, this time.

“Gods Farts,” he mumbled in the darkness as he stubbed his toe on a rock and fell face down on the rubble. His sword clattered on the floor of the cave, now out of his grasp. He should have put the spell of Illumination into his sword, but the advantages of sneaking up on the woman in the dark appealed to him.

A bolt of blue wizard fire skimmed the top of his helmet and the smell of the burning hair of the helm’s topknot assaulted his nose.

[ November 18, 2012, 01:08 PM: Message edited by: Owasm ]

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rabirch
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First of all, 85k words in half a *month*?

I bow down to your speed and magnitude of word production.

You've dropped us right into action. Good. You've introduced conflict straight off.

Nitpicks:

I think "Gods Farts" probably needs a possesive apostrophe, and I'm not sure why Farts needs to be capitalized.

Cause/Effect order. If you give us the toe stub and falling down, then the "God's farts," it will read more smoothly. Otherwise, the reader has to back up their time sense.

I'm not in a position to be able to take on more reading at this moment, but again, I am so impressed with how much you've accomplished.

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History
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I concur with Rabirch. I had strouble with sentence flow and the order of related events, while I love the protagonist, his occupation, and the setting.

I'm in heavy editor mode this weekend, and could not stop myself from imagining a revision. I'll email it to you just as an fyi, since we are not to post them here.

As always, best with this.

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob
(Your output is truly impressive)

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