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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » The Sumerian--1st 13

   
Author Topic: The Sumerian--1st 13
Jed Anderson
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I am called the Sumerian. I have been called many names, but Sumerian is the title I have chosen to keep. For over seven thousand years I have lived, since Man first began to learn about itself. I am the last of the Immortals that were created in that millennia. I was born in a time when Atlantis was not yet a place of legend and when dragons still travelled the land. I have helped build empires, and others fall.

As much as I want to, I cannot die. I do not burn, I found that out when I was fifty-one. I feel the heat and the pain, but I do not burn. My bones break, but heal within minutes. When I was in Egypt four thousand years ago while they were building the first of the pyramids, I fell and should have been paralyzed, but I was called a sorcerer when I stood up a few

[ April 03, 2013, 04:50 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]

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History
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You've introduced your character, well he actually introduces himself and then goes on to pontificate upon his life and his curse/gift--toward which he seems bitter.

Opening with heavy explanatory first-person exposition and (to me at this point) a self-pitying unlikeable character would stop me from reading further.

Consider beginning with an action/external conflict sequence (an outright battle or, better yet: a night scene in a seedy part of a port city where an assassin catches up with him or a cutpurse stabs him in the heart...and the ineffectiveness of their attempts surprises the hell out of them, right before he kills them).

Then, having set the hook, go on and give a little exposition if you must--or not. Perhaps eke this out through the myths and tavern tales told by the people he meets in the course of the greater story arc. Keeping the mystery of your character who cannot be killed is a hook that keeps your reader turning the page.

And give him a name...like, I don't know, Kunan? Kunan the Sumerian sounds ... well, no, nevermind. [Wink]

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob

For examples, see:
James Engell's: Merlin Ambrosius stories and novels
Karl Edward Wagner's: Kane stories and novels
Roger Zelazny's: This Immortal

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Grumpy old guy
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Dr Bob, you made me laugh. Which is a good thing after a long day.

Phil.

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Jed Anderson
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[QUOTE]Originally posted by History:
[QB
Consider beginning with an action/external conflict sequence (an outright battle or, better yet: a night scene in a seedy part of a port city where an assassin catches up with him or a cutpurse stabs him in the heart...and the ineffectiveness of their attempts surprises the hell out of them, right before he kills them).

Then, having set the hook, go on and give a little exposition if you must--or not. Perhaps eke this out through the myths and tavern tales told by the people he meets in the course of the greater story arc. Keeping the mystery of your character who cannot be killed is a hook that keeps your reader turning the page.


I actually have all of your suggestions written. I was experimenting on introducing him in a"dramatic" fashion

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