Death for extra-credit

Best title: The Broken Virus

Diagnosis: Dude, I liked this one. I have a seventeen year-old bro and this reminds me of him, yo. I read it and was pretty much able to see the guys at the locker. On the rizzle, this one was more in line with my idea of teenage boys and video games.

Death for Extra Credit: I was with Aaron. Up until the last two lines I was thinking this is sick and retarded (although I wouldn't use that word), with the personafication of death floating around. Then I realized that was the poorly designed video game and was relieved that the whole story/book wouldn't have such descriptive graphics.

The Game of Death: I'd definitely keep reading because I liked the spreading of the game aspect, where all of the others just cover the beginning. But, its all about the chick. I think that I was missing the teenage boy trio.

First Place: Diagnosis
Second Place: The Game of Death
Third Place: Death for Extra Credit

Best Title: Diagnosis

(*edit, I must have been 1/2 asleep when writing about the game of death, sorry*)

2 – Diagnosis
I read the first line and knew I was going to like it – one of those days for me. Can’t find any problems – reads like a very literate teenager wrote it – that’s a compliment.

3 – Death for extra-credit
Loved the opening line. A couple of punctuation omissions and “quick” instead of “quit.” Otherwise, it was excellent – I love openers that give a little “aha” moment.

4 – The Game of Death
The writing is good, but I’m not really hooked. The yoga was interesting – at first I thought a “full lotus” was some kind of software, then it dawned on me like a “sun salutation.”

#1 Death for extra-credit
#2 Diagnosis
#3 The Game of Death

Title – The Broken Virus

Title: The Broken Virus
Very stream of consciousness. Not sure I think that is a good hook though.
I would have lead with “calling down biological annihilation on the human population was not considered orthodox”. That would have hooked me.

Title: Diagnosis
Goes on too long without establishing a hook. I like the kids, but what makes this different from any other day at school? On the other hand, this reads very true to life and that works.

title eath for extra-credit
Ewwww. I’m hooked.

Title: The Game of Death
Hey, where are the boys?

Oh man, they were in it, this time Who the heck are they? What the heck are they in? This, and the sentence following, has an almost first person POV authority to it. Not just because they were skipping, either. It was expected that a teenage boy would skip school. However, calling down biological annihilation on the human population was not considered orthodox Hm... not sure what to make of this sentence. "Orthodox" seems a complete understatement. Is the narrator being sarcastic? Not sure I'm confident enough of the voice to make that leap . Aaron looked over the logistics again Hm... who is Aaron? What logistics is he looking over? Ah, okay, got it. He's one of the teenage skippers. Then who was "talking" in the beginning? Not sure Aaron would think of himself in such abstract terms.. In their circle, Aaron wrapped his mind around biology best This was awkwardly phrased.. As soon as he saw the workup on this cloud er... what cloud?, Aaron knew. The stats ran instantly into conclusion Again, a little awkwardly written. Also, where is he seeing these stats? I think you could use one line just telling us--the analysis of the air sample showed... . He could see the stages of the pathogen as clearly as if they were written out for him. How could his best friends have been so stupid? How could they have thought this was just a game? And Rich! Rich was the smartest when it came to the tech stuff. Rich could practically hack the CIA in his sleep. Aaron looked back to his best friend. Curled up and rocking

In some ways, this one had the most promise for me. We're caught in the aftermath (I think) of some great disaster. There's tension--Aaron is disappointed in Rich, and Aaron is an outsider of sorts. He's not one of the perps. At least, I don't think he is. And that's the problem--I don't really know what's going on. Maybe slow down and don't try to pack so much info in.

Entry 2: Diagnosis

Mondays always pissed Aaron off. He slammed his locker and stalked down the hall toward his first period classroom. Rich was waiting for him by the door.
"You look like hell, bro," Aaron said, trying to edge past him without stopping. It was the least he deserved for bailing on him over the weekend.What's 'it'--looking like hell or walking past him? And to whom do all the 'he's refer to? I had to read through a couple times.
Rich grabbed at his shirt. "Dude, hold up--Seriously. I need to talk to you." He sounded stressed; his voice was hoarse.
"Go ahead. Tell me why you can't even return a text." He waggled his cell phone in Rich's face.
"I know, I'm sorry. It's that new game. I was literally grinding all weekend on it. Got like two hours of sleep, and I feel super sick. Lewis is worse--way worse. I'm actually worried about him."

Not drawing me in too much. I feel like these are two spoiled boys. There's not a lot of tension, though I suppose there's conflict between the two of them, but frankly, I don't really care that much. Aaron seems pissy and Rich seems kind of a tool. The concept that Lewis is in trouble, and that the game is causing problems comes through strongly.

Entry #3: Death for extra credit
Death wore a black cloak. You couldn’t see his face but those skinless, long, bony fingers said more than any face could. He floated above the ground, his cloak scraping as he moved. A single touch with his index finger was all that it took. The title and the opening lines made me think this was going to be funny. I'm actually a little disappointed.
Watching a person whither made Aaron’s stomach lurch. Their skin would pale then turn green. It would dry and deep lines would etch into the victims face. Their eyes would bug-out and foam bubbled out of their mouths. Black blood would ooze out of open sores as a final act. The victims would then collapse, dead at last.
“Cool, huh?” Lewis asked with a smile.
“It’s too sick to call retarded,” Aaron said as he fought down the taste of bile. “You guys quick quit? playing Warcraft for this?”

This to me is probably the best laid out opening. Though I'm sad it's not humorous, it's clear and has a good amount of story potential. There are two kids, one of them likes the game, the other one doesn't. The imagery is great.

Entry #4: The Game of Death
She peered intently at the screen. The stats were finally looking good Huh? What states?. The Death would be hugeperiod was sure of it and now it was done. “It’s about damn time.” It had been months since her last day off; she had stopped accruing vacation three weeks ago. Just the beta test left. She shot off the emails that would post the game’s beta invitations on dozens of blogs and boards.
She rose from her desk;comma her back tight from hours of sitting. A bit of yoga, that’s the ticket, she mused. She pulled into a sun salutation then slipped into a full lotus. As she meditated her thoughts traced the news of her game. She could feel the buzz across the sites. Already, the requests for accounts were coming in. This wouldn’t take long at all, she thought.So she can feel what's going on the internet? That's kinda neat.

Not quite drawn in here. There's a game that's supposed to be awesome. There's a woman who might be able to feel the internet. That's kind of cool, but... not sure really why. Maybe it seems too easy for her. She's succeeded. Now what? Maybe it there were a hint that the game is somehow dangerous then I'd be more compelled to read on.

Votes:

Best title:
Entry 3: Death for extra credit

Best 13s:
1. Entry 3: Death for extra credit
2. Entry 2: Diagnosis
3. Entry 4: The Game of Death

I liked Entry 1 more than Entry 3 only because Entry 3 was interesting but turned out to be a game, and - though I know from the synopsis reality and fiction will meet eventually - in the first 13 I got excited and disappointed too quickly.

Entry 2 - I liked the characters. They feel real. I enjoyed the scene. The scene and likable characters were enough of a hook for me to want to keep reading.

Entry 3 - The beginning was hooking, though it was a cliche use of death, it still kept me reading.

Entry 4 - What's happening is clear but it's lacking a bit of a hook. I'm not sure why I'm supposed to care if the game is popular or not. The most interesting part is the information about her, needing a break and doing yoga.

First Place - Diagnosis
Second Place - Death for Extra Credit
Third Place - The Game of Death

Best Title: Diagnosis (with The Broken Virus a CLOSE second)

~~~~~

The Broken Virus - The writing needs polish, though I was left mildly curious about the situation.

Diagnosis - I would read more. The dialogue and initial conflict are realistic, and Rich's frantic concern hooked me.

Death for extra-credit - Effective imagery; I could relate to Aaron. I do suspect the story would slow down before picking up again.

Well written but if I haven’t read the synopsis I would be saying “huh?” The opening was largely an info-dump as well. Sorry, but it failed to hook me.

Entry # 2 Diagnosis

This opening felt forced to me. I have an urge to do some major editing on it. Such as switching the first sentence with the second, changing words like ‘stalked’ and ‘was waiting’, and cutting a few others. The two sentences in the fifth paragraph should be switched to.
I would be confused with this opening, too many unanswered questions for it to hook me.

Entry # 3 Death for extra-credit

This isn’t a dream sequence but it sure felt like one and we all know how we feel about them as openers.

Entry#: 4 The Game of Death

Nice. A very good opening. It doesn’t excite me but it has me hooked. I’d keep reading for sure.

Best Title: Entry # 2 Diagnosis (Simple and to the point.)

First: Entry#: 4 The Game of Death

Second: Entry # 2 Diagnosis

Third: Entry #: 1 The Broken Virus

Best Title: tie The Broken Virus and Diagnosis[/b

Now the Authors and how they did from first to last.

Entry # 3 [b]Death for extra-credit by Snapper 35 points

Entry # 2 Diagnosis by Alliedfive 34 points

Entry #: 1 The Broken Virus by Reagansgame 21 points

Entry#: 4 The Game of Death by LAJD 18 points (Tough to win your own synopsis, huh?)