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Author Topic: To be frank: College app essay seeking critique
Can5
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I'm a frequenter of Hatrack and to be succinct I would really enjoy the thoughts' of Hatrackers in order to aid me.

All I will say is two things.
1) This is responding to a "topic of your own choice" question.
2) That all is fair game. Rip...to...shreds. No tears will fall. The smallest of things (syntax, gammar, sequence, "this sentence should be truncated or moved etc.) are the most helpful to me.

With that, a premature thank you!

Rippling grass in the night breeze. Canyon sides that stretched passed the horizon. In the expanse of the Deschutes country, my heart jumped at the clarity of the summer stars. They were so much brighter than at home, and I wanted to know why. Here was the effect, but what was the cause? An epiphany! As twinkling heavens awed me, I came to realize my personal mission: To know.

Cup in hand and three years old, I had a hankering for chocolate milk. Real chocolate milk. So as my mother brought me a cup I took one look and ordered the chef to take it back. “This is not chocolate milk!” I proclaimed, (to be accurate, it sounded more like “shlocolate milk”). “This is not dark!” With a wave of the hand I shooed my mother off for “real” chocolate milk. The next attempt didn’t satisfy me either. “Diane, do you not know how to make chocolate milk?!” Jumping onto the counter I seized the bottle of syrup and squeezed its contents into my mug. After a thorough stirring I had what I desired. “Chocolate milk is not white, it’s brown Diane!”

Dissecting Kurt Vonnegut’s Cat’s Cradle, my brother furrowed his eyebrows and nodded with me. When he began to reveal his palms, my limited knowledge of body language told me he was displaying honesty. However, as he ran his finger tips across his brow I was baffled. Never recognizing this motion, I was sure it had a specific meaning. And what if, I thought, it was just a piece of a much larger puzzle? Putting it together has proved enticing. Google searches were decent, (okay it was all flirting, but that was helpful knowledge too) but limited in content. Then, when I came across Body Language by Allan Pease, I quickly appreciated the guide I had. Observing a friend tug their collar, or a teacher rub their eye has given me refreshing insight into every day conversation. Watching people subconsciously organize themselves at a table has taken on new meaning. I can even see how mad my mom is when I won’t take out the trash. But I probably knew that already.

While I lay on my back, my cat was napping next to my head. His inhaling and exhaling purrs quieted until only my fan buzzed on. I unlocked my hands from behind my head and observed their figure. I brought my two index finger tips so close together that they appeared to be touching. But I couldn’t feel it. As intrigue filled me, I pulled out a strand of hair and glided it across my finger tip. No feeling whatsoever. Touch is nerve endings sending information to the brain, I thought. I can’t feel when someone touches the table because I have no nerve endings there. But I needed to know more. After talking to my English teacher I learned that perception was an entire school of philosophy. He recommended several books, of which Guide to Philosophy stood out. The book enthralled me. Hume’s criticism of causation and Kant’s Critique of Practical Reason would not let me put them down. My desire to discover found an outlet so complete and tantalizing that I unearthed a path for my mission

Whispering waters from the river below. Humming trees sang into the darkness. When I realized that my mission was to know, I was aware it was an unspecified mission. Only later, when I seemingly fatefully opened Guide to Philosophy, could I begin my mission. It is a mission that I have only begun, and I look forward to continuing. I feel that Johns Hopkins can best aid me on my mission.

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andi330
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Unless you are going for a creative writing type degree, I don't think that this is appropriate for a college application essay. It is too stream of consciousness and, while it does seem to come to a point (that you think that Johns Hopkins is where you should/want to attend) the essay itself doesn't seem to be pointing in that direction until the very end. In my opinion, if you are writing about why Johns Hopkins is the best school for you the essay should be about how you came to this decision. Have you always wanted this school? Was the decision made after careful research? If so, why? Is it the degree program, and if so what made you decide on your specific course of study?

Perhaps this school requires multiple essays (I don't know about Johns Hopkins admission requirements) and you answered these questions in the other essay. In that case, you might do better to write about an experience that was particularly influential in your life, or to demonstrate your writing abilities with an essay regarding some current event relevant to the field you wish to study.

What you have is well written, I'm just not sure that it will serve you well during the admission process.

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TomDavidson
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Quick question: what do you think Johns Hopkins is going to teach you about philosophy, and why would it be useful to you?
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Lyrhawn
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What sort of degree is this? BA? MA? And you're going for Philosophy?
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Can5
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That Johns Hokins has one of the most thorough and well established schools with people of high learning and that I wish to learn from them. Putting that in...
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Can5
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And BA.
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TomDavidson
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quote:
That Johns Hokins has one of the most thorough and well established schools with people of high learning and that I wish to learn from them...
Not what I asked. What do you think you can learn from them? Are you going in hopes that being in the presence of people of high learning will somehow transfer learning to you osmotically? And even if so, what will you do with this learning? What are they doing with their high learning?
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Can5
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Oh okay I see where you're coming from. I'm editing as we speak.
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steven
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An essay should take the basic form of:

1. Tell them what you're going to tell them

2. Tell them

3. Tell them what you told them

You didn't get to your major point, like andi330 said, until near the end. Work that point in at the beginning.

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Tarrsk
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Honestly, I'd scrap it and start over. I've been on an admissions committee before, and ultimately what we want out of an essay is simple and consistent:

-Information about who the person is - their accomplishments, their interests, their plans, etc.
-What do they want out of college?
-Why our school/program/department, specifically?

Most importantly, we want that above information presented in a clear, succinct, and professional manner. That means a certain formality of style. Show that you've mastered the basic essay format, but don't be more structurally ambitious than that. Save the stream of consciousness stuff for your novel, and focus on getting a set of bullet points across in paragraph form. Your application will be better for it.

As is, your essay tells me the following:

-You have a pretty good knack for imagery.
-You want to "know" things, although you don't really go into what that means, exactly.
-You may be interested in philosophy, although again, you don't really make clear why it's so enthralling.
-For some reason unspecified, you think Johns Hopkins is great.

Each of the latter three points could be expanded into a full essay, and combining them as you did could work as well, if incorporated in a way that flows logically. If you're more concise with your language, and focus on communicating specific examples to back up one or two grander themes, you'll go a long way to convincing the admissions committee that you actually have some idea of what you're talking about. Drop some of the chocolate milk stuff and give us a taste of your analytical skills re: Hume and Kant, instead. Or better yet, give us a paragraph on what aspects of Johns Hopkins appeals to you. Do you like how the curriculum is structured? Are you in love with the idea of living in Baltimore? Are there certain faculty with whom you really want to take classes? Why, exactly, are you interested in JHU over, say, Harvard or Yale or Berkeley or any of the many other fine institutions of learning in the United States?

As a side note, if there's one specific change you must make to this essay, it's to get rid of the chocolate milk story. Your actions in the story make you look both petulant and overly concerned with semantics over substance (precisely the opposite of what you are, I think, trying to get across). Also, your use of "Diane" to refer to your mother makes you sound arrogant and disrespectful. I read that story, and I think, Man, this kid is going to be a nightmare in class. And not in a good way.

I know my comments may come off as harsh, and I don't mean to discourage you. You do seem like a very bright young man/woman, and your raw writing skills are clearly excellent. But you need to get your head out of "creative writing" mode, and into the mode of "writing for a tired admissions reader who doesn't have the patience to deal with yet another wise guy who thinks that obfuscatory language will hide an underlying lack of substance." Only then will your essay help to convince that reader that you are a worthy candidate for admission.

[ January 02, 2010, 01:19 AM: Message edited by: Tarrsk ]

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steven
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I recommend scrapping the philosophy degree and getting something in the hard sciences and/or medical field, or anyway, something that you can definitely get gainful employment with.

Believe me, I know whereof I speak. I got my degree in music performance, and regret that.

Or at least double-major. Or whatever. [Smile]

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fugu13
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You can have a bit of fun with the structure, just keep that to a minimum.

For instance, one of my prompts when I applied was to write a letter as if from someone else recommending me. I wrote it from my id recommending my ego.

However, except for a tiny bit of structure required to set that up, the essay was still very focused on the things Tarrsk lists. Ultimately, the letter is about showing you think coherently about yourself and how that relates to your goals, and that you can then convey those thoughts coherently to an audience unfamiliar with you.

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Tara
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quote:
Originally posted by TomDavidson:
quote:
That Johns Hokins has one of the most thorough and well established schools with people of high learning and that I wish to learn from them...
Not what I asked. What do you think you can learn from them? Are you going in hopes that being in the presence of people of high learning will somehow transfer learning to you osmotically? And even if so, what will you do with this learning? What are they doing with their high learning?
But how can he possibly know ahead of time what he's going to learn in college, how he's going to learn it, and what he's going to do with it? I had no idea what to expect when I went into college. The admissions essay prompt didn't ask me what I expected. It asked me to share something about myself that had already happened, a previous experience, something I actually knew something about.
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TomDavidson
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quote:
But how can he possibly know ahead of time what he's going to learn in college, how he's going to learn it, and what he's going to do with it?
These are all excellent questions that the author should ask himself.
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fugu13
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Tom's main thrust of questioning is, I presume, to get him to question the idea of learning philosophy in college.

In some ways I agree, and in other ways, less so. After all, the books are available for any field, not just philosophy, including engineering. At some point it is useful to be guided through a repertoire by an expert.

This is especially true as philosophy, as taught at an undergraduate level, is mostly concerned with learning about philosophy. In some ways it is more akin to history of art.

But returning to my agreement with Tom, philosophy is a field with little enough ground truth, that, except for learning accurately various previous positions and current trends in its practice, the rigor of an entire course of study based around it doesn't seem entirely sensible.

One option is to do a minor (or just a variety of interesting courses) in philosophy while pursuing another degree.

Another option (that I've recently been interacting with people who have done variants on, and become increasingly aware of) I heartily recommend is double majoring in a hard science and history & philosophy of science, which is a field with a much firmer ground truth, and greater awareness that a large part of its mission is understanding the past. This is probably in part because many major practitioners of H&P of science have graduate degrees in the hard science they specialize in the history of.

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Tara
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Well, maybe after a week in college he/she'll decide he/she hates philosophy and will decide to major in business. You never know. [Smile]
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Teshi
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I'm not going to dissuade you from pursuing philosophy at the undergraduate level. I think it's reasonably useful to study. But if you have a pure philosophy degree, be prepared to be faced with quite limited options upon graduation. This is not a bad thing, provided you are focused on what you want to do and prepare for it-- you have volunteered or worked in the field etc. I speak from Coffee-Shop and Retail-Store post-grad experience.

As for your application essay, I'm afraid when I first came to this thread I read the first sentence and stopped reading (I am not exaggerating). It's so wishy-washy, it makes my brain run away and join the armed forces, desperate for contrast.

I have now made myself read the whole thing. If I was on an applications committee and was genuinely interested in allowing the most worthy candidates in I would reject this esssay after the first paragraph.

Melt this essay down. Take out all the anecdotal and descriptive language. Focus on only the bits directly relevant to studying philosophy at Johns Hopkins. What does it say?

quote:
I wanted to know why. I came to realize my personal mission: To know.

I learned that perception was an entire school of philosophy. He recommended several books, of which Guide to Philosophy stood out. The book enthralled me. Hume’s criticism of causation and Kant’s Critique of Practical Reason would not let me put them down. I unearthed a path for my mission

Only later, when I opened Guide to Philosophy, could I begin my mission. It is a mission that I have only begun, and I look forward to continuing. I feel that Johns Hopkins can best aid me on my mission.

My point is you say very little. You talk a lot about wanting to know; or rather, you hint a lot about wanting to know, but ultimately say very little. The rest is anecdotes in slightly repulsive language.

When writing personal essays, there is of course some space for anecdotes and description. But this should be kept to the strictly necessary, rather than the indulgent.

What does this mean in practical terms?

My first advice would be to take out all the sentences like, "Rippling grass in the night breeze" (ugh!), "Whispering waters from the river below" (argh!). They are making even the Vogons gnaw their limbs off to survive.

My second piece of advice is to make sure that every anecdote you use is directly and explicitly linked to your point, which is "I want to know". Your first two paragraphs, especially, ask the writer to draw conclusions as to what they mean, since you give no explanation. It could be "Can5 was a bratty kid" as easily as "Can5 demanded new information line up with experience."

I don't think you should include some of this stuff but, if you do, spend a fair amount of time explaining why it is relevant.

Practical Advice #3: Avoid casting yourself in a poor light. We already discussed the chocolate milk incident. But see also:

quote:
I can even see how mad my mom is when I won’t take out the trash. But I probably knew that already.
Haha! I'm still a brat even now! But at least I can tell my mom is mad! This may not be how you intended it, but I'm afraid that this is how Can5 comes across when you include this type of comment. If you are refusing to take out the trash for your mother, perhaps you shouldn't think about college yet. I'm serious.

Practical Advice #4: Provide relevant detail. The keyword here is "relevant". You have provided plenty of irrelevent detail about your personal life, but when you start to talk about the philosophy you have read you just mention your names. You could have pulled these names off the internet for all you share about them. You give no evidence you have read them and processed them.

These books "wouldn't let you put them down" (were they holdig you at gun point?). Why? What specific ideas in these books was so interesting to you? Name some. Show that you're not just name dropping or skimming, you're actually reading and processing books. Show/prove that you have achieved this level of thought.

Finally, advice the fifth: grammar and language. Lose the faux-poetry. Many philosophers write in muddled language, but they are dead and famous. You have the benefit of neither of those honours. You must write clearly, explicitly, simply. You can be colloquial but not confusing. Your details must be relevent.

Some details:

quote:
“Chocolate milk is not white, it’s brown Diane!”
Who is "brown Diane?" You're missing a comma.

quote:
my brother furrowed his eyebrows and nodded with me.
Nodded "with" you? What does that mean?

Look at the new, "edited" last paragraph above. Count how many times you say 'mission'. Is it too many? A clue: Yes.

You say "begun" and then "begin", too.

Sorry to be so honest, but I feel you could do a much better job at this.

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scifibum
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my brother furrowed his eyebrows and nodded with me
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TomDavidson
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My goal isn't really to make him question his major -- although that's always a good idea -- but rather to force him to make explicit his rationales. The author claims that it is his "mission" to study philosophy, and that Johns Hopkins is particularly well-suited for that mission. He needs to explain why. Reading the essay, I got the impression that the applicant was using words as a smokescreen to avoid engaging any substance.
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swbarnes2
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quote:
Originally posted by Teshi:
I'm not going to dissuade you from pursuing philosophy at the undergraduate level. I think it's reasonably useful to study. But if you have a pure philosophy degree, be prepared to be faced with quite limited options upon graduation.

I'm going to disagree a bit, and say that if you excel (like having a 3.7 GPA, or some other kind of honors) in something like philosophy, that might be as good as or better than doing only okay in a more practical major. It will demonstrate that you can apply yourself diligently, and learn material well and write about it well, and that will be useful everywhere.

But you have to be able to really excel. Your essay isn't wowing anyone here, which should make you think very hard about a major which is mostly writing. You can always take philosophy classes, or often just crash them, without being a philosophy major.

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Teshi
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swbarnes: As far as I can tell, unless you're going to graduate school of some description, how well you do in university at the undergraduate does not get you hired.

No job that I have ever applied for would have cared if my GPA was higher or lower than it is. If they wanted a university graduate with the ability to write, they would ask for writing samples and a diploma.

quote:
Your essay isn't wowing anyone here, which should make you think very hard about a major which is mostly writing.
Well, here is where I disagree. Many high school graduates are poor writers. They improve in University because they, like Can5 stated at the beginning of this thread, are open to suggestion.
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