posted
How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb? One. ~~~~~ The closest thing to a dirty joke my mother's ever told me:
So, this English teacher was sentenced to twenty years in jail. The first night he was in jail, he was extremely upset about the upcoming years.
His cellmate felt sorry for him and said, "Look, i'm going to give you some advice. The warden goes away for a week every month or two and leaves his wife in charge. If you want a shorter sentence, what you need to do is make nice with the warden's wife, if you know what i'm saying" Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. "I promise, you'll be walking out of here a free man in no time."
Well, the English teacher was absolutely horrified at the suggestion! He absolutely refused to consider it. His cellmate was confused. "What's the problem?"
The English teacher replied, "I couldn't! It would be wrong to end a sentence with a proposition!" ~~~~~~
How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis...er... I mean ladder!
Posts: 99 | Registered: Mar 2005
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quote:Did you hear scientists will start using lawyers in their experiments?
Apparently there are some things even a rat won't do.
Didn't I see that in a movie once? In Hook, with Robin Williams, maybe. Then he said something like, they're going to start using lawyers instead of rats because they get more attached to the rat.
Something.
It was funny, either way. Good show, mate! Posts: 925 | Registered: Nov 2004
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posted
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-faced youngster was doing, he asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied little Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Little Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
Posts: 26071 | Registered: Oct 2003
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posted
Victor storms into the crowded parlor, spoiling the pleasant social banter of the ladies, and slaps Reginald across the face with his riding glove.
"How dare you fart before my wife!" Victor bellows.
"I'm sorry!" stutters Reginald, "I didn't know it was her turn!"
Posts: 285 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
Recite this out loud. When you've perfected it, challenge your friends:
One smart fellow, he felt smart. Two smart fellows, they both felt smart.
then, move up to:
Sheet slitters slit sheets Like sheet slitters should slit sheets.
if you can handle all that, go for:
I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's son. I'm only plucking pheasants Till the pheasant plucker comes.
Posts: 285 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
Three Europeans travelled to Saudi Arabia, and started getting alcohol smuggled through. Obviously, being illegal an act, the police caught them. Needless to say, they were brought to the king and he said to them "well, you have performed illegal actions and must serve a baring of fifty lashes each".
Then the executer said to the three of them, "my wife has a birthday today, and she sranted all people today one wish to be fulfilled". "All right", said the three, and the procedure continued.
The first guy was a sober Spaniard, who thought for a bit, and said "I will have a pillow tied to my back, please". Such happened, and after about 20 lashes the pillow was in shreds; so the poor Iberian suffered another 30, and he started crying. They kicked him into the corner, and asked the next one to get his share of beatings.
The next guy was - classically - a German, and he remmbered to "get high from his own supply". Bing a little tipsy, he must've lost calculation by commanding "tie two pillows to my back". After 40 lashes, one saw feathers all over the room, and nothing covering his back. The poor bastard suffered another 10 lashes in agony, and cried tears of beer. He too was kicked to the corner, and the third guy was asked to come forth.
A Pom was all it needed to describe this guy: drunk in vein. He was so overwhelmed by the holy molecule of Ethanol, that he wobbled all the way to his beater. Suddenly, the king opened his mouth: "Dear Englishman, I would like to say that I am very impressed with your Queen; and though I don't like your Prince Charles, I am glad Her Majesty is still in rule, for I adore Monarchies, as you well know. I therefore offer you an additional wish beyond what my assistant here offered." The Englishmen thought for a moment, looked up to the high ceiling, grinned and spoke "I would like, your majesty, to receive a full one hundred painful lashes". "Why", said the king, "that is a very impressive act on your behalf, and with much valour - I promise to deal with the United Kingdom in good terms henceforth. But tell me, please - you Englishman - what is your second wish> I will grant it, I promise". "Well", said the Englishman. "if you promise - I must plea you to tie that ****ING GERMAN to my back!!!"
---
The [late] Pope arrived at New York, for one of his scheduled preaches, and a limousine parked in-front in order to take him to his destination. The Pope, being a little enthusiastic that day, asked the driver to "please get out of the cockpit as I want to drive". The driver refused sternly, telling him that "you can't drive, because I am your driver, and certified at that. You are not meant to drive". The Pope still told him: "Look, I am the Pope, and I want to drive." "No one", he continued, weeping, "Ever lets me drive in the Vatican! And I want to drive again". So the driver let him in finally, and told the Pope where to go to.
The Pope decided to start driving with brutal force, and the Lincoln limousine shot through the city and onto the highway. The Pope, who was having way too much fun, didn't really care for the the security, and finally police caught them.
Fred Jennings, a very regular policeman, caught a Lincoln driving at a very high speed, he told the driver to open the windows. When the driver opened them, his jaw collapsed. He momently returned to his police-car, and then spoke to his boss:
"Sir, we got someone big." "Who, the mayor or something?" "No, sir, I caught something much, much bigger." "The governor?" "No, sir! I'm talking bigger than anything caught in history!" "The... the President drove illegally, what? I mean... WHAT?" "Sir, I said big. I meant we caught God." "GOD?! What the **** do you mean, Jennings?! How do you know it's God?" "Because, sir, the Pope's driving for Him."
posted
Ghandi was a great man. He walked all over the place barefoot, so his feet got all rough and rugged and used to the terrain. He also fasted a lot, and this fasting made him sometimes weak with hunger and probably gave him bad breath. So what does that make him?
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.
Posts: 194 | Registered: Feb 2005
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That is, I placed down my hole from which I defecate (and the rest of the body follows), in order to excrete sheets of crap.
In other words, I was on the toilet.
Please excuse me, for I have been unable to defecate for 3 days.
JH
---
An opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back. But instead of dying, like in plays (Julius Caesar), he starts singing!
Posts: 2978 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversay and he takes her to a posh oriental restaurant.
After looking over the menu, they both decide to order the "chicken surprise" special fo the night.
Soon the waiter comes out with a large tray and large rounded cover and sets the entire try on the table.
s the husband finishes his egg drop soup (nothing to do with the chicken surprise) the wife goes to lift the lid when is starts to rattle, lifts up an inch and two beady eyes look at her and the lid drops down.
Edgar! She calls, "there's something wrong."
Edgar then begins to lift the lid when once again it rattles, lifts up about 1 inch and a pair of beady eyes looks at him and the lid drops down.
He calls the waiter over andtells him what's happening and asks him to explain.
"Oh" said the waiter" So sorry--I thought you order peaking duck."
Posts: 65 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
Saturday I told my nephew and son that I could jump higher than this restaurant.
My nephew said, "No you can't"
I said, "Yes I can. This restaurant can't jump at all."
They almost kicked me out of the restaurant.
.
In college I and a date went to a Society for Creative Anachronism or SAC meeting. There was a guy dressed as a monk sitting at one of the tables. He was selling indulgences. He had a wooden duck with wheels for feet at the end of a pole, and while he talked with us, he rolled the duck under my date's dress (we were going to the theater after this visit.)
"What are you doing?" she asked stearnly.
"It not me" said the monk. "Its Harvey" indicating the wooden water fowl. "He's a peeking duck."
We almost kicked him out of the room.
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
Q: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge? - - - - A: Open the door. Put him inside. - - - - Q:How do you put an elephant in the fridge? - - - - A:Open the door. Take out the giraffe. Put him in. - - - - Q:There was a meeting and all the animals went except for one. Which one didn't go? - - - - A:The elephant. He's still in the fridge. - - - - Q:There's a river where hundreds of man-eating crocodiles live. How do you cross? - - - - A:Swim across. All the crocodiles are at the meeting.
posted
I have not a "Mommy, Mommy" joke, rather a "your Momma" joke:
Your Momma, כה שמנא, [אם] ישבה בביתא, ישבה בכל ביתא!
Excuse me, that was in Aramaic. And rhyming.
Your Momma is like an anvil; she gets hammered by big, sweaty guys all day long and she never wares out!
Excuse me again, that's vulgar.
--- How many pigs does is take to change a lightbulb?
Well, when pigs will fly... --- How many Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb according to Baba Batra 10a?
Two. One to almost fall off the ladder, and the second to lecture him for two and a half pages of time why he's falling off - without helping him back on, of course.
posted
Whether the weather is cold, or whether the weather is hot, weather the weather no matter the weather, whether you like it or not.
Red leather yellow leather red leather yellow leather red leather yellow leather yellow leather red
First ones just fun to say out loud, second one can be deceptively hard till you've said it a few hundred times.
Posts: 375 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
The other day, I was feeling sick, so I decided to go to the doctor. But during the checkup he acted so weird.... He said he was going to take my pulse and then he just bit my neck! So I've decided that that's the last time I go see Dr. Acula!
Posts: 1751 | Registered: Jun 1999
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We used to tell that one to French people. Anyone who spoke English would start laughing, and everyone else would stare at them. Posts: 5957 | Registered: Oct 2001
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