posted
mr card, could you please write an extensive column explaining the various traits of your favorite brand of toilet paper and the evil grocery stores that refuse to stock it? i'm also curious whether diet dr pepper really does have that special dr pepper taste. thanks.
Posts: 17 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
I'll sit in for Card on this one, since he isn't likely to answer.
I'm glad you asked, blonsky. Although I don't actually have a favorite "brand" of paper, traditionally, I buy whatever is cheapest. I prefer my toilet paper to be rough, single-ply stuff made of recycled materials. There are many reasons for this but the bottom line is, it works better. Sure, through the magic of science the fluffy two-ply "brand-name" tp is soft and perfumed. But I don't need my bathroom tissue to smell nice, I just need it to do its work. The problem is, it is becoming increasingly difficult to find such toilet paper at my local grocery store. Or any grocery store for that matter. I was horrified on a recent shopping trip to find that the south side Greensboro Albertson's no longer stocks my usual "no name" toilet papers. It seems that the powers-that-be at Albertson's (a national chain) have determined that there is no longer a market for the industrial-style toilet paper to which I am accustomed. Has the American public has become so addicted to comfort that we are willing to sacrifice practicality? The sick irony in all of this is that if you ever need to use the restroom at this grocery store, you will not find anything resembling the perfumed and quilted triple-ply they peddle (now exclusively) to the masses. Instead, you would find the same rough, recycled paper that they now refuse to sell on their shelves. Here's an idea: Let the consumer decide. They can't even special-order the cheap (and better) tp for me. I have asked. Repeatedly. I admit that last week, out of sheer frustration, I went shopping and on my way out of the store, I paid a visit to the public bathroom. I broke open the toilet paper dispenser with the screw driver (my sole purchase) and shoved two huge, industrial-zise rolls into my jacket. Then I broke the mirror and vandalized the handicapped stall by chipping the words "Toilet Nazis" into the laminate with the same just-purchased screw driver.
[**note: in actuality I have no idea if Albertson's is in North Carolina -- but it *is* in Southern California ...]
In other news, Diet Dr. Pepper does not have that special Dr. Pepper taste. Now, being an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, normally (and incorrectly) called "Mormons", I don't usually consume caffienated beverages. However I make special allowances for chocolate, certain kinds of tea, and, as of very recently, Dr. Pepper. A few weeks ago I was on a flight from Newark to Buffalo (short flight!) and found that I needed a beverage to wash down the peanuts and crackers which I had just greedily consumed. Now, usually I can eat peanuts and crackers without needing a drink; I have an unusually large saliva gland which, let me tell you, has come in handy on many occasions. On this occasion however, I found myself so enamored with the novelty of the new snacks being offered by my airline that I could not help but rapaciously devour so much food as to cause a choke-hazard. You see, they now offer peanut-flavored snack crackers, and cracker-flavored peanuts. In an ingenious (and I don't use that word lightly) marketing ploy, my airline is offering not one snack food, but *both* so that travelers can experience the magic of contrasting flavors. Well, because I had not anticipated needing a drink, by the time I got the attention of flight attendant Shane (who had us all rolling in the isles with his jokes about a bomb being somewhere on the plane) all the caffiene-free beverages had already been consumed by the other passengers. I was offered a choice between Coke and Dr. Pepper. Well, I decided that the latter would be the lesser of two evils. Since it had "Dr." in the title, it must have been more healthy, was my reasoning. I drank the Dr. Pepper and it did the trick, obliterating all the thirst and loose food particles from my mouth with a wave of acidic and throat-burning carbonation. I had already been delighted by the new snack foods offered by the airline, and I was not expecting to become addicted to a *third* consumable product. But that is exactly what happened. Let me tell you something, Dr. Pepper is so good that I am seriously considering leaving my Church so that I can drink it regularly and without guilt. I have had at least two cans a day since returning from that trip. I have gained six pounds. Earlier this morning, in an effort to stem the rapid and alarming weight-gain, I enthusiastically purchased a 12-pack of Diet Dr. Pepper, noting that it is said to contain that special Dr. Pepper taste. Let me tell you that it emphatically *does not*!
[**note: not meant to represent anything Orson Scott Card ever thought or did or thought about doing but didn't.]
posted
You know what TL -- I try very hard to be kind and understanding of all things on these boards. All you have to do is read for just a little while to realize that we put up with tons and tons of criticism. So, I'm not deleting what you wrote in the interest of being accomodating to all viewpoints, etc, but I will say I haven't been this offended by something in quite a while. Amazing, and on only your third post. You must be proud. Thanks for a charming morning, though it felt much more like a rude awakening. Glad you and blonsky had a good laugh.
posted
What did he say? Looks like a perfectly good parody to me, he even has OSC's style down pretty well.
Posts: 10645 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
I was actually just kidding and sort of having fun with the silliness of blonsky's post. I'm guessing it sounded like the goofy stuff I wrote was meant as some kind of serious criticism.
It wasn't!
I mean, seriously -- would OSC vandalize a bathroom? That's why I thought it was funny.
In all sincerity I did not mean to cause offense.
Posts: 2267 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
Come on, peanut flavored snack crackers and cracker flavored peanuts? That's not funny?
Seriously, here is the problem. I love the work of OSC. I am here every week reading his "Reviews Everything" column because like many readers, I look up to the man. I actually *do* care what he thinks about politics, ice cream, etc.
The stuff I wrote is so *completely* wacky that I never imagined anyone would take it as criticism.
Posts: 2267 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
I thought it was hilarious...I also enjoy reading OSC's column and I was just being goofy...the juxtaposition of kleenex, iPods, and Robert Parker in the same column always makes for entertaining reading. but I guess for everything goofy there's always someone out there who takes it seriously...sigh, it's a grim world. Posts: 17 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
P.S. under OSC's definition of "art" in a different thread, I think TL's post certainly qualifies. Posts: 17 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
Huh, I thought I posted that blonsky and TL are the same poster. I guess it got deleted or something.
Posts: 2010 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
I hope that OSC finds TL's post funny, not offensive. I rarely laugh aloud at any post, but that was some funny stuff.
Posts: 104 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
Wow. I've sure learned something here. I guess I must really look ridiculous, writing reviews of things that other people don't review. From now on, I'll just review movies. And I'll only write reviews that would sound like they belong in EW or Premiere. Then I won't be so silly. I'll be just like everybody else! Think the Stepford Review will publish me?
Posts: 2005 | Registered: Jul 1999
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posted
OSC, It looks to me like TL...and blonsky214 made a poor attempt at humor--but it does look like they're sorry for it. I just read TL's experience meeting you 10 years ago, and it really does look like he is well-meaning--and devastated that his attempt at humor turned out to be offensive. I think we've all done pretty stupid things before that we regret and feel embarrassed about everytime we even think of it even years later.
So, I hope you were kidding about only reviewing movies. Everybody does that. I LOVE your reviews of everything. I remember them when I'm shopping--you know those good sponges for the kitchen?? I buy those sponges because of your recommendation. And we love them!
Please forgive the attempt at satire...you can tell they're fans.
posted
of course I'm a fan, why the heck else would I be here? sheesh! amazing how someone so hyper-critical could be so thin-skinned... Posts: 17 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
good pt rackham. I sure hope he doesn't change his style of reviewing...that would be no fun. In other news, this emoticon is really weird --> Posts: 17 | Registered: May 2005
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anyway, i dont think he will, althoogh it makes me a little uncomfortable that he hasnt posted in this thread since, Posts: 62 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
Do you really think he would change the way he reviews things because you poked a little fun at him? highly unlikely
Posts: 655 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
What Katarain said. Please OSC, never EVER try to be "like everyone else". That would really suck.
Posts: 853 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
I must be a total suckup then, when I say I think that we *all* have strong opinions about things we care about. Personally, I enjoy OSC's reviews of just about everything. I travel quite a bit for work, so his discussions of travel peanuts and pretzels hit home with me -- I actually *do* care about stuff like that. I care that Northwest Air no longer has pillows. And that some other airlines won't let you have extra bags of their snack. I care because it hits me where I live. And who *hasn't* fallen in love with some product at a favorite grocery store, only to have that product disappear inexplicably? I could name some for myself: Alpha-Bits and Carnation Breakfast Bars. Yeah, he reviews stuff that isn't so close to me and where I live, but so what?
The title of this thread is misleading and it makes me sad that the subject of its mocking was exposed to it. Worse, that it's our host, who at his own expense provides us such a lovely virtual home to enjoy, is beyond tasteless. It verges into cruelty. To find humor in being mocked is not a matter of being thick skinned. If he'd been invited to a roast as the guest of honor, he could have at least declined. Instead, the thread purports to be a request with a nice smack in the face for the kindness of being taken seriously.
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
I'm going to try speaking for Kristine, here, something that's always difficult to do (and is particularly hard when I, a non-Mormon, feel inclined to "explain" Mormon culture.) But I'm picking up on confusion here that I think might be defused.
I suspect that the parody was considered insulting because it implied that Card -- a devout Mormon -- would consume consider leaving his church to consume cola (and, for that matter, steal toilet paper and vandalize a mirror.)
While the piece is otherwise a pretty effective parody of Card's style, what the parodist didn't take into account -- presumably because he simply didn't know -- is that Card, like almost all Mormons I've ever met, does not consider his religion to be a suitable target of any form of humor whatsoever.
He would never joke lightly about leaving the church, even in an exaggerated fashion, in print; he would consider it a sacrilege. Merely being an obvious and outrageous joke wouldn't defuse the insult; it would in fact make it more insulting.
I understood the Mormon church much better when I realized that many Mormons use the word "sacred" to mean something so important that they don't even like to discuss it amongst themselves; the things Mormons care most about, they don't feel comfortable sharing with outsiders for any reason. (They feel, quite rightly, that outsiders will use these opportunities to mock and question them, which would in their opinion cheapen the sacred nature of the thing being discussed.)
So had you simply joked about Card being obsessed with minutae, there would have been no problem. By joking -- even in an obviously broad fashion -- that he might contemplate not being a Mormon, you challenged something that he takes so seriously -- that he considers so sacred -- that he and the people he loves do not permit themselves to have any shred of a sense of humor about the subject.
When Mormons tell religious jokes, they tell them about aspects of Mormon culture. Only once or twice in my entire life have I ever heard a Mormon make a joke about doctrines or sins.
In other words, joking about someone doing something bad just isn't done among Mormons. They don't find it funny. I have a number of friends who've converted to the church, and one of the hardest things for them to adapt to, socially, has been this reality; they frequently find themselves sticking their feet in their mouths by making what would in any other company be a harmless joke.
-------
I sincerely hope that Scott doesn't think people find his tendency to review, well, everything (with a dash of anything thrown in for good measure) to be a bad thing. It is in fact a marvelous thing. And I think blonsky, by poking fun at this, was doing what pretty much every fanboy at some time in the world does: mock some element of the thing you enjoy, just because it is pretty silly if you look at it another way.
It's not only that I like having someone else's opinions on sponges; I like, for some inexplicable reason, to know what Orson Scott Card thinks about sponges. And, yeah, when you think about it, that is pretty wacky.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
Tom -- thanks for speaking for me with trepedation Because, actually, you did kinda get it wrong. If, in fact, there was something being mocked here that was sacred to Mormonism, then I would have been even more insulted. I was upset simply because mockery is actually one of the worst forms of insult. It makes you look ridiculous, and there is no recovery from that. But, I'm past it now
FYI -- Mormons do live by what we call the "Word of Wisdom." Forbidden are alcohol, tobacco, coffee, tea (and illegal drug were added to the list in the 60's). Because cola drinks also have caffine -- many Mormons also do not drink them. But the "official" list does not include them.
Posts: 780 | Registered: Jul 1999
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posted
Does the debate about the various ways and whys of me being so, so wrong for posting what I did END, at any point? Like, maybe after I have apologized and admitted wrong-doing? Just curious TOM. And JENI.
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What did he say? Looks like a perfectly good parody to me, he even has OSC's style down pretty well.
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