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Author Topic: The man code
Baldar
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Two versions.

Version 1

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.

2. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.

4. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw".

5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bullshit!". (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)

6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

8. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.

9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.

10. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.

11. Do not torpedo single friends.

12. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

13. Before dating a buddy's ex you are required to ask his permission. If he grants it, he is however allowed to say, "man, your gonna love the way she licks your balls"

14. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

15. If a mans zipper is down, thatís his problem, you didnít see anything!

16. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your best friends birthday is optional)

17. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

18. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies girlfriends with in 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal's boyfriends- low level sports bonding is all the law requires.

19. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.

20. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

21. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

22. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.

23. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. This includes men who aren't wearing shirts. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: if during the past 24 hours your friends actions have caused you to think "what this guy needs is a good ass wuppin", in which case you may refrain from getting involved and stand back and enjoy.

24. Friends donít let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.

25. Fives must be called at all times when getting out of your seat. If not, your seat is up for grabs. However, "house rules" may come into effect, in which case it is left up to the owner of the seat.

26. Shotgun can be called on anything where a shotgun applies., as long as you are in eyesight of the object, or it is at a reasonable time.

27. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you donít let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.

28. If you ever compliment a guy's six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage.

29. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.

30. Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"Come on, give me one more, harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers"
"Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?"


31. Never hesitate to reach for the last beverage or pizza, but not both. Thatís just mean.

32. Never talk to another man in the bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line for all other situations an "I recognize you" nod will do just fine.

33. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch nearby, hang up if necessary.

34. You can not rat out a friend who show's up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way up so he thinks its broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.

35. If you catch your girl messing around with your best friend, let your states crime of passion laws be your guide.

36. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him only in a manor that gives you no chances of getting any either.

37. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get up on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "**** off" then you are absolved from all responsibility. Later on it is ok that you have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.

38. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly "just a friend", go at it, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.

39. If a buddy has lint, an eyelash, or any other foreign object on his hair or face, under no circumstances are you permitted to remove it. However an appropriate hand gesture may be made to make him aware of it.

40. An anniversary is recognized on a yearly basis, under no circumstances will anything be celebrated in an interval other than a year

41. When using a urinal in a public restroom, a buffer zone of at least one urinal will exist at all times. If the only empty urinal is directly next to an occupied on, then you are still required to wait. (Exception: at a sporting event where a line has formed to use the pisser)

42. When coming to a room which you know is occupied by your friend and possibly another girl, you must knock and wait for an adequate response. If no response occurs, and the door is locked, a 10 minute period is required before knocking again.

43. The only time dicking over a buddy for a girl is legal, is when the girl ranks a 8 or above on the 1-10 scale. (exception: a girl may rank from 5-7, as long as there is oral sex involved).

44. A mans gotta scratch what a mans gotta scratch. This applies to picking as well. Let the man be.

45. No man shall ever watch any of the following programs on TV:
Figure skating
Men's gymnastics
Any sport involving women (unless viewed for sexual purposes)

46. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist, it is an understood accident, and NO apologies or any reference to the occurrence is necessary.

47. No man shall spend more than 2 minutes in front of a mirror. If more time is required, a three minute waiting period must be allowed before returning to the mirror.

48. Any dispute lasting any longer than 3 minutes will and must be settled by rock, paper, scissors. There is no argument too important for this determining method.

49. No man will ever willingly watch a movie in which the main theme is dancing, and if a man shall happen to view such a movie it is only acceptable if its with a girlfriend.

50. Only acceptable time when a man is allowed to cry:
when a heroic dog dies to save his master.
after being struck in the testicles with anything moving fast than 7 mph.
When your date is using her teeth.
The day Anna Kornikova chooses a husband.


51. If a bet is made, and the challenge is completed, then the bettor may recoup his money by immediately completing a more daring challenge. If he refuses the challenge or chooses not to propose one, then and only then, must the money be paid.

52. Masturbate often. (exception: if your roommate is due back within the hour)

53. If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms reach of your buddy, you must, and will, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.

54. A man's shoes may not intentionally match any other article of clothing on his body.

55. No comment shall ever be made to a man about how much he is sweating. In fact, there is no need bring notice to any body part which he may be sweating from.

56. No man shall ever allow anyone to speak ill of The Simpsons or any Rocky movie. (Exception: Rocky V)

57. You have not made any mistake if you find that there are extra pieces after reassembling or assembling an object. In fact, you have just found a way to make that object more efficient.

58. There are is never an occasion in which any shirt without buttons may be tucked in. (Exception: when you are participating in a organized sporting event)

59. Unless you are under the age of 11 or wearing a bathing suit,, DONíT wear whitey tighty's. It still escapes all reasoning as to why they even make them in adult sizes.

60. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught.

61. No man shall ever keep track of, or count, the amount of beers he has had in a night.

62. Under no circumstances may two non-related men share a bed or anything which can be perceived as a mattress.

63. In an empty room, car, ect., a man can not ask another man if he is mad because he isnít talking.

64. If you jiggle more than twice, your playing with it.

65. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.

66. The guy who wants something the most is responsible for getting it.

67. If your friend says "Lick my nuts" as a way to put you down, don't try to be funny by saying "OK" and moving your head towards his crotch, two homosexual references in a row are just plain scary...

68. If you say ouch, you are a pussy!

69. It is the God given duty of every man to assist any other man that may be in need of assistance in obtaining every guys dream (threesome with two girls)

(Under Revision)It is your duty as a heterosexual male to make your buddy aware of any thong sightings in the immediate surroundings, it is even permissable if the girl is butt ass ugly, hey nobody wants to go down alone.

(Under Revision)There are only three times when its acceptable for a man to say "I love you" to any other man... 1. He's drunk 2. He's dying 3. He's in trouble and it's the only way out of it (which probably means he's drunk anyway)

* with every set of laws, there are appropriate punishments. If any man shall happen to break any one of these codes, he will be found guilty, and will, for 24 hours from the time of the violation, be considered NOT A MAN. During this time he will not be referred to in any masculine way, and he shall bear the name Princess.


Version 2 - A summary

The Man Code
#1: No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
#2: Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "F*CK OFF!" You are absolved of your of responsibility.
#3: Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having Sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party. Silly lap dances with pregnant strippers does not apply.
#4: Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
#5: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
#6: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
#7: If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
#8: Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
#9: You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).
#10: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
#11: The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
#12: Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
#13: When you are queried by a buddy's wife,girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
#14: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
#15: If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.
#16: The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
#17: A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
#18: Your girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pal's significant dick-heads --- low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.
#19: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
#20: Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.
#21: Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need. (overtime goals render this rule mute).
#22: The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just friends" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

Anyone find a "womans code to balance the equation?



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Paul
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quote:
36. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him only in a manor that gives you no chances of getting any either.

I've got this busted down mansion up state that no one would ever get any in.

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fugu13
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*rolls eyes. rolls eyes a lot.*

That was so bad it was good, Paul.


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somedeadguy
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lol, that was good man. I died laughing here at work.

However, I need to bring rule #1 to my room mate's attention. He is currently dating my sister.


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T_Smith
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*prints this up*

*emails it to friends*


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Baldar
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quote:
48. Any dispute lasting any longer than 3 minutes will and must be settled by rock, paper, scissors. There is no argument too important for this determining method.


Bush, Saddam, 'nuff said


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Kama
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Actually, that's exactly the rule to apply here at Hatrack
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Dan_raven
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ROFL!!!

I have deciphered rule 1 of the woman's code.

Rule 1, Women can change the rules at any time without informing the men. Men are still held responsible for ignorantly breaking said rules.


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Tammy
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You just figured that one out Dan?
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WmLambert
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Where is the best all-time Man TV show of all-time Men Behaving Badly when you need it? The Man Show is a manly attempt to fill the void, but it's not quite as good as Married with Children.

Nobody remembers the original '92 MBB, but you gotta remember the '96 MBB Rob Schneider using an old pair of whitey-tighties as an emergency coffee filter for his Mr. Coffee.


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IanO
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Ahh, Men Behaving Badly! I loved that show.

What about where Rob won the photo contest of "Hot Babe with Fat Chicks" only to later learn that they thought he had been a woman and was being ironic. He tried to pick up one of the women there by pretending to be lesbian.

Or when Rob got his dream phote shoot: a nude model- only to find the models were men. His friend started to leave, only at the last minute couldn't leave his friend having to work all by himself with a naked man. So he was the "spray boy" he was meant to be.

I loved that show. It was so funny. And Justine Batemen did dry whit very well. Why'd they cancel it? (Cupid, with Jeremy Piven, was also funny, though obviously not the same type of show.)

Ian


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Maethoriell
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Hmm..finally..some rules to be "manly"....must give to friends....
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Ethics Gradient
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Bah, the BRITISH [i]Men Behaving Badly[i] show was priceless.

"I've had a great day mate... makin' stuff"


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Dan_raven
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Best manly man show ever has to be "Red Greene".

Imagine Home Improvement gone terribly, terribly, wrong.


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Pixie
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ROFL. ::has copied and e-mailed this to several friends::
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JohnKeats
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You know...

I know that these are all jokes. But does anybody else notice that fully half (if not more) of them are blatant expressions of homophobia?

You could make a similar list and just call it "men: how to make sure you aren't gay".

And if these are the kind of 'rules' that we commonly associate with masculinity, doesn't that kinda scream insecurity?

Just a thought.


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enjeeo
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Keats

Yes, did notice that one. I was thinking it should be renamed the 'straight man code' but then I thought no, it would have to be the 'straight, and desperate to continue to appear so, man code'.


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Bob_Scopatz
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They left off the rule prohibiting two men from riding on a motorcycle or bicycle built for two.


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katharina
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quote:
31. Never hesitate to reach for the last beverage or pizza, but not both. Thatís just mean.
You know, this one I actually liked.

And I don't know ANY guys that fit almost any of the other reasons. Good grief, that's horrible! Someone pointed out the squeamishness about apprearing gay; there is also a huge amount of misogyny in those rules. What creepy losers would follow them?

Except the above rule. That was actually both funny and polite.


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JohnKeats
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quote:
What creepy losers would follow them?

Men that are having a gender identity crisis, apparently.


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zgator
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quote:
#16: The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

At least in Florida, pizza is also required.


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Baldar
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I think some of you are taking making fun of men too seriously.

The man guide was not meant to be taken seriously, it was meant to show the foibles of some men in different situations.


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JohnKeats
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I know they're jokes, Baldar, but don't you find it even a LITTLE odd that this "code" of masculinity is defined, in a large part, by the degree to which men AREN'T homosexual?
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Baldar
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No, anymore than I find the code of liberals to be extremist. I would suggest that you erase all your old Saturday Night Live tapes, cease watching most of the sitcoms and hide in a cave until its over.

Jokes in general make fun of one extreme view or another, moderate jokes really aren't that funny.


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JohnKeats
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I would tend to agree with you, but...

I can't help but think that these are more than just jokes. I'd wager that nearly every one of those rules governing male to male behaviour are widely accepted norms, at least in our culture.


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katharina
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John Keats, I can't believe that. I don't know about the gay references, but I can say that every one of the rules that had to deal with women are both appalling and practiced only by accomplished, pathetic, soul-less idiots.

More correctly, I don't know a single guy who does any of that. I probably could, but they tend to label themselves as losers long before they actually make any real frienships with women. Anyway, if those aren't true, I don't see a way to proclaim that the other rules are literally accurate. They may be, but it isn't axiomatic that they are.

[This message has been edited by katharina (edited October 14, 2002).]


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JohnKeats
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And it didn't say that it was.

The male to female rules are obviously extreme and overtly boorish. This too, however, could be interpreted as an overactive assertion of heterosexuality, just as the rules governing male to male behaviours are an overactive repression of homosexuality.

The latter, however, are not all that extreme. And I think any male who has observed or been a part of group male relationships could verify that they are part of a generally accepted code of conduct.


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katharina
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I guess these are just rules for the kind of guys that I can't even stand to be in the same room with. Like this one:
quote:
<font face="Arial, Verdana, Helvetica" size="2">#17: A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat. </font>
Boloney. Michael loves cats.

This isn't the man code. This is the insecure and pathetic men code.

[ May 18, 2006, 12:10 PM: Message edited by: katharina ]

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Baldar
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Might I suggest that when we can't laugh at some extreme's that we fall into a glut of self righteous indignation. Any joke is offensive to somebody. So if you want to slide down that slippery slope feel free to do so, but just remember that a parsimonious lifestyle does not make anyone happy. You might as well never watch Will and Grace because of the stereotypical way it reflects some gays and how it shows somewomen as being gold diggers.
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zgator
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quote:
#15: If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.

I just want it known that if I see any male Hatrackers with their flys down, I will point it out. Preferably in front of a lot of people, but I will point it out to you.

Not that I was looking or anything.


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TomDavidson
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"I guess these are just rules for the kind of guys that I can't even stand to be in the same room with."

What's funny is that I was writing this about the same time this was posted.


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katharina
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*shrug* I know it's a joke. So is Will and Grace. But the people on Will and Grace aren't models for a happy life, and neither is this. Just wanted to point that out before anyone actually believes any of it.

[This message has been edited by katharina (edited October 14, 2002).]


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Baldar
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Tom I agree, its not meant to be life affirming, its meant to be humorous. I find it amazing that some liberals are so uptight. They complain that the conservatives are really bad, laugh at them all the time, but when someone puts anything up that is funny its suddenly "oooooh, look how bad it is, we shouldn't laugh". The verbal equivalent of Larry Curly and Moe is just that. Its not meant as a guide (for the brain dead: This is a parody of men, do not emulate). For the rest who are shocked, puhleeze get over it.
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Baldar
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Politically correct guide for women:

quote:
He does not have a beer gut;
he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

He is not quiet;
he is a Conversational Minimalist.

He does not get lost all the time;
he discovers Alternative Destinations.

You do not buy him a drink;
you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange.

He does not fart and belch;
he is Gastronomically Expressive.

He is not a redneck;
he is a Genetically-Related American.

He is not a cradle robber;
he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

He does not have a rich daddy;
he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion.

He does not hog the blankets;
he is Thermally Unappreciative.

He is not a male chauvinist pig;
he has Swine Empathy.

He is not afraid of commitment;
he is Monogamously Challenged


[This message has been edited by Baldar (edited October 14, 2002).]


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katharina
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Did I just get called a liberal again? *bemused*
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Baldar
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No, not you Katherine. Directed at Tom and a few others who seem to be having too much caffine today.
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katharina
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Oh. *considers* Okay, now I am sort of wondering why not me. *looks questioning*
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Hobbes
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Another man rule: Owning a minivan is acceptable, but you are required to gripe about it to your freinds atleast once per driving experience

I think a rule for women should be: You must inform friends of a current/possible/previous boyfreind, but only twice, after that they'll just get bored.

Hobbes


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Hobbes
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Don't tell a man what he's like drunk,he wont believe you and you don't want to describe it anyways

[EDIT: je instead of he]

Hobbes

[This message has been edited by Hobbes (edited October 14, 2002).]


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pH
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Generationally Differential Relationships....Monogomously challenged...*Snicker*

These are great, Baldar.

And yes....people do need to lighten up a bit.

-pH


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JohnKeats
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To be fair, Baldar, I never said at any point that I was offended. At all.

Far from it, really. Just because I see a pattern that I think worthy of pointing out and discussing doesn't mean I'm a liberal knee-jerk reactionary with too much caffeine in my system.

Could it be that my raising of the issue has *gasp* threatened your masculinity?


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Slash the Berzerker
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I actually follow nearly all the rules listed above, and most people find me quite tolerable to be around.
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Dan_raven
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Laughter is a very powerful political tool. By listing these rules in a humerous vein we realize that they are NOT meant to be followed. Hence when we catch ourselves following them we stop and reconsider.

Thank, Baldar. These rules might just slide a few neanderthals slightly more to the sensitive male end of the spectrum.


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Bob_Scopatz
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Isn't it true that most heterosexual males go through a fairly (fairily) homophobic period. The depth and duration of which varies a lot between individuals, but is rarely "zero"????

I myself was "bothered" by the idea of men peaking at me while in the restroom stall in public places (malls, stadiums, etc.) and got really freaked out when this one gay man approached me for sex when I was 16.

Now, if some gay male approached me, I'd be flattered by the attention, and secure enough to just say "no thanks." But that's kind of a lot to ask of a teenager, seems to me.

So the RULES of being a "guy" are likely to change as one ages.

Plus I think the rules are different among close friends versus casual acquaintances. I mean, I could joke with my best friend about some homosexual "tension" in a situation whereas with a bunch of casual acquaintances, I'd probably just turn my head and cough or something....

Hmm...

Anyway, I thought most of these were funny and the emphasis on avoiding homosexual overtones sort of rang true for many people I know and for most "public" situations.


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JohnKeats
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Bob:

quote:
Anyway, I thought most of these were funny and the emphasis on avoiding homosexual overtones sort of rang true for many people I know and for most "public" situations.

This is exactly what I meant when I said "I think any male who has observed or been a part of group male relationships could verify that [these] are part of a generally accepted code of conduct."

While the jokes are somewhat funny, the subtext of the comedy is really kinda sad, because it implies a confusion of gender-identity among our culture's male population.

(perhaps only in certain age groups)


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Baldar
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I had a friend who was a gay male. I asked him (we were in the gym shower) if when he saw men, he looked at them the way heteromales looked at women. He replied he did but he of course was a thinking being, not a rutting animal.

I asked if it were ok for me to shower with his sister. He smiled and said, "I'd kill you".

But of course, some here might say I am a rutting animal.

We all have ironic twists to our nature.


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JohnKeats
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But it's not like this is anything new.

You can find conflict in acceptable gender roles as far back as early Anglo Saxon literature, where masculinity was defined by both the classic heroic tradition and well-refined courtly behaviour.

One would think, though, that the species might have evolved and matured a little more than that.


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katharina
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Why? Why would one think that?

And would you want Baldar to shower with your sister?


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Baldar
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Please be kind in your answer.
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KarlEd
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Baldar showers?
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