posted
Okay, I was going to suggest someone make this thread, but I already suggested someone make a Hatrack Stock Exchange thread, so I'll take the initiative on this one.
On the "what would you do thread", celia stated that she would walk on mars.
See, if I was an evil genie Celia, I would put you on Mars where you would walk for a few feet before dying of exposure and lack of oxygen.
Likewise, an evil genie could very easily take my statement of being able to fly and granting it, with the condition that I am not able to land.
So here's the game, someone posts a wish (qualified as much as they want), and the next person thinks of a funny (or tragic) way to grant that wish in an evil way.
I already sort of started with celia, so someone else go next.
Posts: 5656 | Registered: Oct 1999
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posted
Yeah, I figured this thread wouldn't take off without me starting it going.
All right, I'll go first:
I wish to find and marry a beautiful young woman who loves me and who I love whom I have multiple smart, healthy, good children who all outlive me.
Posts: 5656 | Registered: Oct 1999
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posted
Okay, as your E-vile Genie, I inspire your intelligent, healthy children to chase their ambitions all over the globe which creates very little time for them to see you. Your wife's beauty becomes the envy of and desire of a wealthy man who owns the small-minded, single lumber mill-supported town in which you live, and he blackballs you for all gainful employment. You end up destitute, living in a shack, unable to give your woman the things in life you believe she deserves and, though your love for each other never diminishes, your wounded pride and guilt for not keeping her in the lifestyle to which she had been accustom to live in her own family breaks your will and resolve. Your children can never afford to see you, though they are fighting illness and evil in other parts of the world. You live a long, hard, impoverished life until finally, while you waste away from tuberculosis, you see your children's fading faces as they all manage to come to you at the very last second before your death. Your last thoughts are, "Could I have lived my life any better?" as you close your eyes and hope your wife finds a better life in the arms of the cold, jaded man with money on the hill.
Oh, and everybody gets a rash in their unmentionables.
posted
You meet a nurse during repeated hospital stays for too many horrifying and humiliating illnesses to mention. After marriage and the multiple kids, you die before you see any of your kids at age 5. Because of being fatherless and widowed, your lovely young widow and your adorable moppets all lead lives more tragic than yours.
Wow, I'm a real natural at this. Mwhahahahaha! [edit: bows to the far more evil Ralphie] *wonders if this is good or bad* Morbo
*the Dudley Moore version, which was infinitely more hysterically tragic than the Brendan Frasier version*
Posts: 3516 | Registered: Sep 2002
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posted
My wish: to give up math and science, write a killer screenplay, and immediatly jump to the "A" list---money, fame, hot and cold running girls in the mansion, you know the drill. Oh, and no more waiting in line. Anywhere. Ever. (Important qualification--you can take all the rest, but I keep this)
posted
I wish that all evil genies would die right now, with no ill effect on the universe, Earth, and the people on Earth.
Posts: 332 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
All the e-vile genies die, then come back as undead brain sucking e-vile wish granting demons. They do nothing to endanger the universe, the earth or the people on the earth, but there are two types.
Type A eats the brains of anyone who ventures under the earth.
Tybe B Drinks the blood of anyone who takes both feet off the earth at the same time.
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
One day while buying a hot dog at a very busy street vendor's cart Morbo doesn't wait in line and thus misses meeting the woman of his dreams, who two years later is in a position to save his career and stop him from making the unwise decision that loses him his fame and fortune but doesn't because she remembers him as the uppity star who cut in line for a mere hot dog.
I wish that I could own a beach house in Hawaii that I rent out for most of the year and make a tidy sum from it and also use it for vacation whenever I please.
Posts: 374 | Registered: Jun 2003
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You do, never graduating high school, never to recieve serious acknowledgement for your work because after all, no high school drop out could write a killer screenplay.
quote:write a killer screenplay,
You write a 10,000 page screenplay on the life of an army ant. Its wonderful symbolism and deep lifechanging story is lost in the muck and misspellings that fill the tome. However, when three famous actors commit suicide instead of agreeing to be part of the movie, your fame is assured.
quote:and immediatly jump to the "A" list---
A judge rules that your screenplay is so bad it is a lethal weapon. You are accused of murder. Being a mass murderer, immediately you become famous and get on the A list.
quote: money, fame, hot and cold running girls in the mansion, you know the drill.
Your fame, and Fox TV's desire for an interesting story offer you all of this, after you get out of prison.
quote: Oh, and no more waiting in line. Anywhere. Ever.
You are brought to trial in Texas. There you are sentenced to death. There is no appeal. Do you get to enjoy years on death row? This is TEXAS, no waiting, ever.
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
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quote:I wish that I could own a beach house in Hawaii that I rent out for most of the year and make a tidy sum from it and also use it for vacation whenever I please.
Because your demands are small, my task as an E-vile Genie is small.
Every person to rent from you is a yearly candidate for MTV's "Spring Break" cast and thorougly trashes your house. Your life is one headache after another trying to find someone that will clean up the vomit, empty alcohol bottles, cast-off contraceptives and soiled undergarments. You must pay exhorbitant fees for a cleaning service, and your tidy profit becomes just enough to pay for regular flights to Hawaii to clear up debacles with policemen. All vacations you take are tainted by the supreme hatred of all your neighbors resenting the noise year-round.
And you develop a rash on your unmentionables.
Posts: 7600 | Registered: Jan 2001
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posted
You know Ralphie, the person who acts as the evil genie is then supposed to make a wish for someone else to rip apart.
(Though you are good enough at this that I'm content with you being the evil genie full time )
What I partially envisioned was for people to try to stump the genie through lots of conditionals and qualifications. I guess mine was a bit easy as far as that goes .
Posts: 5656 | Registered: Oct 1999
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As your E-vile Genie, it's a bit of a conflict of interests. However, your wish is my command...
As Ralphie posts more often on Hatrack, her home life becomes steadily more chaotic. She stops sleeping, and eventually eating. She begins to lack the normal fuels that power the inhibitors which keep a person from doing unnatural and unholy things. Late one night, in a frenzied attack of page-refreshing, she stumbles upon your phone number which coincidentally marks the very moment that she goes COMPLETELY MAD. She uses reverse directory to discover your whereabouts and, no longer concerning herself with mundane monetary issues, buys a plane ticket on the spot to seek out and ultimately destroy you.
She forces her way into your house, and subsequently demands that come up with witty one-liner quips, each time smacking you and yelling "Refresh!" late into the night.
During this torture, you shake an angry fist into the sky wondering why you wasted your single wish on requesting that Ralphie post more often. To top it all off, you become more than suspicious that you're getting a rash on your unmentionables.
Posts: 7600 | Registered: Jan 2001
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quote:I wish to live a happy, fulfilling, long, and enlightened life
You do, because you are a giant Galapagos tortoise, so though you are happy and enlightened, no one will ever know. And then at the end of this long life, you experience a particularly drawn-out, arduous death as you starve to death when all the insects of your island are wiped out by an oil spill toxin.
My wish? I wish for a perfect, in-shape physique without ever having to diet or exercise.
Posts: 8504 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
I wish to live a happy, fulfilling, long, and enlightened life.
You go quite insane at your next dinner party and have to be hauled off in shackles. You then are quite happy in your lunacy, feeling more than fulfilled staring at the wall all day and drooling. You have a very long life and at the end achieve true enlightenment. But nobody's listened to you for years, so nobody cares but you.
posted
Twist: You are granted your perfect, in-shape body as you suddenly start to look like the shape of a pear.
Posts: 9754 | Registered: Jul 2002
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I wish for enough extra money so that I can afford my upcoming vacation to Washington DC.
The money is afforded you by the Mob, working through your kindly maiden Aunt Sally. Don't trust her, she's a plant! Too late. While you're gone the Mob has the boys strip your joint down to the sheetrock. Happy Homecomeing.
posted
I don't care what bad comes out of this, I wish Morbo gets turned permanantly into a 2 centimeter, black american, non-poisonous, and all natural ant immediately.
Posts: 9754 | Registered: Jul 2002
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posted
Ok - he's an ant. He crawls up your nose while you're sleeping and gets stuck running about in your sinus cavities for a couple days before he dies and decomposes in there.
I wish I had some cake.
Posts: 8504 | Registered: Aug 1999
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1 You get a poisonous cake. 2 You get a cake the size of a thimble. 3 The musical group Cake is delivered to your house in pieces. 4 A cake gets dropped on your head. 5 Anything of your posessions gets turned into cake. 6. A cake fills up the entire room. 7. You are put into a huge cake and sufficate. 8. You get a stolen cake worth 30,000 dollars. Suddenly the police are on your tail.
Posts: 9754 | Registered: Jul 2002
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Okay, but playing "let's stump the Evil Genie" is going to cost you a rash-free pootie tang.
No E-vile Genie is complete without her signature. Especially while dealing with a mystery wrapped in a conundrum.
Posts: 7600 | Registered: Jan 2001
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posted
Is it really stumping the genie when you get nothing good out of it?
Anyway, I don't think this one is that hard.
From now on, and for the rest of your life, none of your wishes (hopes or desires) will ever come true. Trying to get around this rule by wishing for bad things will not work, since the evil-genie magic knows your true desires.
quote:She forces her way into your house, and subsequently demands that come up with witty one-liner quips, each time smacking you and yelling "Refresh!" late into the night.
That line made me laugh pretty hard. This thread should be exhibit A if anyone ever claims that Ralphie isn't funny .
Oh and the tortoise thing was very creative .
Okay, heres my wish: For every misquito on earth to disapear and have its ecological niche be replaced with a non-disease carrying, non-biting, and otherwise harmless insect which generally stays away from humans and will not breed out of control.
Posts: 5656 | Registered: Oct 1999
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posted
O, E-vile Genie, grant this puny mortal's humble wish!
I humbly beseech that you grant me eternal and complete happiness, wealth, wisdom, sex-appeal, and culinary skill. In thanks for this mighty boon, O E-vile Genie, included in my wish is that this great gift be visited on you hundred-fold times!
*prostrates self before the spotless E-vile Genie lamp*
Posts: 17164 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
I wish that Dubya would come on prime-time TV and tearfully take full responsability for his lies and half-truths leading to war in Iraq, the lapsing of clean air and water law enforcement, and the erosion of civil liberties since he took power.
*sneakily inserts politics into fluff thread--heh, heh*
Posts: 6316 | Registered: Jun 2003
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As your E-vile Genie, I grant both you and myself complete happiness, wealth, wisdom, sex-appeal, and culinary skill.
However, the world cannot handle two such amazing specimens such as us. We instantly become international sensations and, while the thrill of power and popularity teaches us valuable life lessons and fleshes out our experience to potentially better mankind, it only serves to fuel the obsessions of the less-than-fortunate.
Sycophants and toadies become increasingly more fanatical, and ultimately a vicious stalker (who's entire bedroom, bathroom/boudoir is wallpapered with the likenesses of both of us) rushes onto the set of our daily culinary show to compromise our lives with the working end of a salad shooter.
Being a genie, of course, I survive completely unharmed. However, your last waking thoughts in the hospital ER room are, "It wasn't... adult acne... it was... a... rash..." as you expire into the dreamless peace of death.
quote:I wish that Dubya would come on prime-time TV and tearfully take full responsability for his lies and half-truths leading to war in Iraq, the lapsing of clean air and water law enforcement, and the erosion of civil liberties since he took power.
As your E-vile Genie, I arrange for this to be so. The lights are on George W. Bush, and all the political powers of the world watch while Dubya, shedding more than a few crocodile tears, explains that the entire purpose in using the catch-phrase-turned-acronym "Weapons of Mass Destruction" was a manipulative ploy to futher his own political agenda. He admits to lies, half-truths, twisted perceptions and - just to throw some more on the grill - to being the primary cause of the lack of health care, the decline in the environment and the current low employment rate.
As the country - nay, the world! - gasps in shock, a lone newspaper photographer keen on getting a closer picture trips over a previously unseen wire travelling from the back of the stage all the way to George W. Bush, himself. A small crackling sound signals the end of some sort of power supply as the photographer goes flying into the backdrop of the stage.
George W. Bush immediately loses all animation, the top half of his body falling from the waist to make him look like what he is - a surpringly life-like animatronic that has just lost it's power source.
The backdrop collapses, and behind reveals the surprised expression of YOU, pushing furiously at the buttons and toggles of a now-defunct remote control.
Shock temporarily silences the live audience for a few minutes, and you considering making a bolt for it. But as you attempt to escape before they can recover, the mob comes alive to immediately pile on top of you.
You are sentenced to life in prison, without chance of parole. Because you are an internet geek, not adept with facing the rigors of prison life (or any other kill or be killed situation) you end up becoming the boy-toy of a large, hairy Hispanic man named "Oggie."
You live out the rest of your days braiding Oggy's underarm hair, telling him sweet stories of Hatrack life to help him sleep and wondering to yourself why you bother at all putting soap on a rope.
(I can't bring myself to give you a rash. You'll suffer enough.)
At least, I thought he did, but curiously I can't find it in the anthology now. Maybe it's in a different book than I thought.
Hopefully the evil genie is female, but even if male I will be able to basically "blow him off" and pursue my own interests with his assistance...
Evil Genie, I wish that you would fall permanently, totally, and unselfishly in love with me.
Hey, wait a minute...can this genie use magic of her/his own will? *wonders if he's made a bad bargain*
Posts: 1041 | Registered: Feb 2002
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posted
OK, macc--you discover that you can't love the genie in return and all of your other prospects are scared off no matter how unselfish the genie claims to be.
I wish only good things would happen to me and anything I care about.
Posts: 554 | Registered: Nov 2000
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posted
Macc, or the genie cant love anything other than your most hated animal. Therefore you turn into that animal.
Posts: 554 | Registered: Nov 2000
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