posted
<I am feeling a bit suicidal, and now I'm late for my requim recital. Oh, I am feeling a bit suicidal, and now I'm late for my requim recital. Oh the pain it comes, and the pain it goes, when, we never know, oh, when, we never know.>
I'm going nuts. Nuts to the point where I am nibbling on death and enjoying the taste. Do you ever get those slow creeping musty days where death is a comfortable bed away from life?
Do I believe in God? Absolutely. Kill me and we'll all find out how much He loves me, how much He forgives me, and then maybe I'll get a bunch of solid answers to all the cosmic questions that have been pestering me all of these years.
When it rains it floods, and I hate money, but I think I hate American capitalism more. I've probably had to go searching for a job 3 times in the last ten years and now being 2 months into unemployment, I'm full of rage, depression and a yucky feeling I can't define. Worst of all, I'm at the old ass age of 31 and I've got no money. No savings, no good credit. I've got about 25 years to make enough money for me and the possible other to live on. Grrrrrr.
I can't really identify with all of you kids, because most of you, I believe the majority of Hatrackers, have parents, a parent, or a spouse to share your life with, Me, no such luck. I'm not saying this for sympathy, I don't like sympathy, I don't want sympathy. I just want you to understand, the model of life how I understand it, a human being does not have to be strong at all times, a human being, can if needed, crawl into a loved ones arms and rest, or sleep, or just feel safe, protected and loved.
Which brings me back to the lack of love, I can deal with the lack of family, it is almost manageable, what is harder to deal with is the lack of a personal love. In a world where almost every adult human being is paired up, it's damn hard having to drift like a ghost in space. I mean, Jesus Christ, Help Me Oh Lord, my X was the one who cheated on me and she had a new man in a matter of days, and here I am wandering in the great unknown. You see, I am wishing and willing for the Great Girl, the one who is your best friend AND your lover, I have no interest in f@cking, never have, never will. You see to me casual sex doesn't exist, at all, I would much rather masturbate than fool around with someone I don't love. And and the bottom of it all, sex is the icing on the cake, the cake is the girl, to hug, to hold, the one who when you wake up, you hold and contain her and her warmth. She's the one that gives you great conversation and her voice is always a lullaby. But here I walk, chewing sand, making friends with heat mirages, dreaming of the glory of death, challenging him to a chess match.
Stupid perfection. It may be the one to blame for the demise of my art engine. I don't need to know what people think of my screenwriting skills, I know what they used to be, I know what they could have been, and now my hands are covered in the blood of a dead pen. Characters that run, jump and laugh in my mind, but can be killed for days, weeks, years by a simple lack of a perfect transition. I haven't finished a script in about 8 years now, and this maybe cancering my insides as much as anything, a main bitch that rots out my inner joy and peace. If writing is one of the main talents I've been given, am I not just a hollow shell of man without it? Will I not be a crumpled can of a man? I will just be another sad tale of what can happen from the dragon's bite. A once great warrior, who was felld by the prince of spite. God, script writing became a way to escape the pains of my life at age 8, and now to be partially trapped by the thing that used to save me, oh the evil irony isn't lost on me at all.
Which brings me back to Death. Such a soothing seductress. I'd rather check out and take the A train to God than sit around and spout pain and disappointment. I'll jump off the cliff, dive out the plane, pull the trigger, take the overdose, drink the drano, sink in the smog. It don't matter, if I lose my inner Sun, it really doesn't matter, nothing matters, it's time to turn to ashes are rejoin God for the old eternal fate.
Too much, a man, even a Superman can take too much. Everybody has a breaking point. Everybody must maintain a certain amount of life and love or they die. A slow societal murder.
Today, when I drove home from Job attempt #7, at the intersection stop light, on the north side, standing in 100 degree weather was a one legged white man begging for change, and at the south end, was a black man begging for change. To be honest, I'm not sure that either one of those men is still alive? How could you drag yourself to that everyday and still face the man in the mirror and call him a man? During all of my hours amongst the homeless in Austin, I cannot tell you how many of them were dead in the eyes, waiting for death, each day just a step closer to death, and a life in all probabilities that won't be worse than this one.
What good is art? I used to love, love, love to paint, draw, write, I could do it all night, all day, but now it's more like some faggy race to make money. That's the only way you're a real artist. Did you make money? It's a joke. If I am just making art for myself and God, why not just skip the middle man and jump straight into God? If nobody on Earth gives a shit about what I a make, including the entire collective family I an blood joined to, what's the point? It's almost worse to create something and then have everyone turn away from it like, "Oh that's nothing."
So I kill myself. I set myself on fire. I blast into space and rip open my space suit. I jump into a tornado. I swallow the barrel of a gun and pull the trigger. I drink a two liter bottle of acid. I dive off a skyskraper. I slit my wrists. I die. I die a million deaths. To ashes, to ashes, to ashes.
And my ashes cry, my ashes become broken shards of glass, the glass becomes small hands, the hands begin to build, Me. Again. And Again. And Again.
Love is stronger than the stars in the sky, Love will never die.
posted
I understand. I think there are few people that don't.
Sometimes I feel trapped. I don't face demons on the outside as the ones inside my mind. I have a family that loves me, a husband that worships me, a religion that satisfies my spiritual needs, a comfortable apartment and two cats that follow me around the house. I'm relatively attractive and have always had the advantage of charisma.
My demons are the ones that I let burrow into my brain like worms. They're the thoughts that everything I have going for me is an accident of birth, everybody that loves me does so out of generosity of spirit, and that charm is as random and superficial as beauty.
I accomplish nothing in my life, have accomplished nothing and I'm strongly beginning to suspect that I will accomplish nothing. My only talent is that of an audience. I've failed as a performer, writer and visual artist.
I feel hollow and without substance. I feel useless to humanity. I feel as if my charmed existence would have been better off given to anybody else but me, and I often hate myself that it wasn't.
You can feel persecuted by life, or you can feel that you don't deserve anything you're given. Either way, the easiest solution is to think that life is the enemy, because it's pressing down on your chest so hard you can't breathe. What I have to remind myself, the most important thing to remember is that life isn't the enemy. Whatever your hope is after death, this life is still filled with miracles.
I have a large window in my home office, which sits on the second story. There's a large, fluffy green tree that I can see squirrels bounce around in. When it rains (which it does frequently in Portland), the sun will hit the little sparkles of rain on the leaves and make the tree look like it's covered in fairy dust.
No matter how much I let myself sink in the mire of my own martyrdom, life continues on around me and reminds me that it's worth it to be here. Until time and circumstances removes me, I'm going to stick around for the fairy dust.
I hope you start feeling better, Thor. I would hate to have to start missing you.
posted
And now the intellectual lightweight weighs in
Thor:
Not to make light, but MAN, that was so cool! Thank you for trusting us with that. Seriously.
How could anyone read that post (one of your creations) and call it nothing?
I know there is some Great Girl out there that would appreciate someone like you who is so completely in touch with himself that he can make a mindless reader such as myself understand exactly where you are coming from.
I'd rather check out and take the A train to God than sit around and spout pain and disappointment.
Yeah, but then who'd piss me off day in and day out? You know you'd miss it. I would. Sort of.
Don't give up, man. The economy grew 2.4% last quarter! Home mortgage interest rates are back on the rise (which usually happens in economic upturns)!
There is going to be some great, interesting, job out there for an interesting, creative person like you. Posts: 524 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
*heartbreak* I know that same feeling. I have no job, no savings no money, i've never had a lover and things are borderline depressing. But, don't give up. Things will get better soon. I hope things get better for me soon. Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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No life is without merit, without worth. We see this so often in others, at no times more than when we fail to see it in ourselves.
No life that touches any other is empty. We are rich in our friendships, even if we are unlucky in love. And being unlucky in love is just that, unlucky. Nothing more.
Maybe not, though. I believe that we can't really be successful in finding love until we can learn to accept and love ourselves.
No one is given only one talent. No one has one defining quality.
Helen Keller: "When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."
Posts: 4534 | Registered: Jan 2003
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I've felt that there was no path ahead for me many times, Thor. Always there was one I wasn't seeing. Sometimes it takes a lot of pain to show us stuff. Some things you can't learn anywhere but at the edge of the abyss.
So go there if that's your path, but come back, come back, and tell us what you learned. There is so much more to life than we even realize. Life is so much more. It is always full of surprises, joys unthought of. Always there is light unlooked for. Keep your heart open. It hurts like hell but do it.
Don't close off the path of your future. It's very very bright. He has plans to prosper you and not to harm you. He has blessings of which you can scarcely dream that he is waiting to pour into your lap. Waiting for you to open your mind and heart and spirit to receive them. Look forward with a perfect brightness of hope, for you are heir to the kingdom. You are being trained for this. The training is difficult and arduous, but there is nothing given to us without us also being given strength to bear it.
You have strong faith. It is your gift. Hold fast to the rope and it will not fail you.
Posts: 2843 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!
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posted
Welllll... This is obviously a goober thread. Goobers Unite! Here's my goober input: There is only one thing in life or death that you cannot do, and that is cease to be who you are. Therefore, I urge you not to try, but to strive instead to be the greatness of the being that you are.
Posts: 1103 | Registered: Apr 2002
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WARNING; THIS REPLY WAS WRITTEN BY A DEPRESSED IDIOT (MAY BE HARMFUL TO EVERYONE)
I don't know what to say to you Thor. I want to say something though. Not like a sense that I must because it is right, or to try to save you or cheer you up. Who am I to try to cheer you up, what would I say to.
I just wanted to say I sort of agree with you. I'm not saying you should kill yourself, that is a choice we all have to face on our own, some of us have to face it a little more often then others. I'm just saying I am there. I don't mean that like "I'm here for you" although, yeah sure if you think I'm worth talking to, I'll listen and responde, but what I meant is more like "I've been there" only I haven't left, I am there.
Mine aren't the exact same sircumstances, but fairly close. No girl, no prospects for finding or meeting any girls, which hardly matters I never know what to say to the few girls I do meet. No job, I not only don't have a job, I've never had a job, I've put in applications and gone to interveiws, and go home and never hear from the places I applied to.
I do write, and just as you said it started as an escape, and now it is part of the problem. My writing sucks, except when I write the emails that end friendships, those are bloody brilliant. I have a family but they all are busy with their own lives, I don't think any of them even think I'm unhappy. Not that they shouldn't be more concerned with their own lives, after all I'm wrapped up in my problems to worry about theirs. Most of my siblings are married and have kids. Babysitting has that added bonus of helping me realize that since I will likely never find a girl I am not likely to ever have kids, unless I missed more of freshman biology than I think.
I'm not saying this to compare my pain to yours in magnitude, after all you have had to carry it for much longer than I have. I'm only saying I feel a very similar pain. And it has taken me to the brink of suicidec before, I have gone so far as to lay out the pills, but never actually taken them.
In the end I don't really know what the hell I'm trying to say, but I know I'm not saying it well.
All I know to say is, that was an awsome peice of writing (I know the intense pain is a great insperation), I hope you do stick around, and that you get through this, you seem like someone worth knowing, and while it is selfish of me, if you can deal with your problems, then there is hope for mine (sorry to put pressure on you like that). I do realize that I am most likely just a stupid childish 18year old who is talking about things most of the adults here are sure I have no real concept of, and they are probabbly right, but I wanted to say something.
Also, am I the only one who gets really annoyed with everything that anyone says to you when you're depressed. I mean the I understand (yes I know what I wrote), the your great how you are, it will get better, there is someone for you. I'm sure it is all heart felt but when I heard it all it made me angry and depressed. (I heard all that stuff from some of my friends before I pissed them all off so bad that they stopped speaking to me, I really shouldn't be Allowed to comunicate with people, in fact I'll putt a warning on this reply)
And finaly am I the only one who thinks that there should be a suicidal smilie?
If any of this makes you feel worse, than just remember to say to yourself "Marek is an idiot, what the hell does he know." Also it looks like quite a few people on the forum care about you, I know that's not everything, but it's not nothing, look they are even doing that ((((hugging)))) thing, which makes me realize that to some people I am hugging random parts of this post. Good Luck THOR. END OF MY REPLY IT IS SAFE TO READ FROM HERE DOWNPosts: 2332 | Registered: Jul 2003
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Thor, I think almost everyone here at Hatrack has felt suicidal. And I think a surprising number of us have felt suicidal for the same reasons -- because we're not achieving enough, because our girl left us, because we're afraid of not ever being loved or admired. For me, it was realizing that I simply didn't have the talent to achieve my ambitions -- which were, at the time, to rule the world.
Not literally, of course. But I wanted to set it on FIRE. My words were going to be gospel. People would want to BE me. I would write something, and a week later bushmen would be clicking their tongues over it between bites of gazelle. I would write one line, and start a government; I would erase a word, and start a religion.
But I'm not actually that good. I will almost certainly die without having written my name across the sky in letters of flame.
And realizing this was, in its own way, a kind of death -- just like realizing that I'll probably ALWAYS be fat, that it's really too late for me to be a child prodigy, and that, no matter how hard I wish, I really DON'T have fairy blood in me.
I will almost certainly die before floating weightless in space, gazing in astonishment at the Earth below me.
No one EVER starts out dreaming of being an accountant, or a waitress, or a network engineer. And everyone, deep down, wants to write a book.
So you can look at this as the central tragedy of life, if you want: people don't live up to their potential. It's the Garden of Eden all over again, man.
But the thing about Adam and Eve is this: even after they got kicked out, even after their family got split apart in pretty horrible ways, even after Adam learned that teaching a horse to pull a plow was going to be a little beyond him, they still had a few laughs. They kept going. And, above all, their lives were STILL worth living.
Because that's the one thing I've learned that's replaced all my dreams of glory: there's glory in living, even if there isn't any renown, and this is good enough. Sometimes, when people reach for the stars, they get blinded by them; they forget that there's plenty of light here on Earth, too.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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Geez Tom! You have good roots. Perhaps, in time, I may actually consider letting you join our order of elite goobers
j/k you'll never be a true goober, but perhaps you are worthy of being a slave to the great goobers, and if you do well at that, perhaps you can become a junior goober, if you never forget our seniority rule. Posts: 1103 | Registered: Apr 2002
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I'm too brain-dead myself at the moment to talk with complete coherency here, but I'll give it shot.
I know where you're at. I Alluded to it in my landmark thread. Many years ago when I was working for a professional music store, high-end digital audio products only, I took a $20000 loan thinking I would be with the company for a while, and that I should take advantage of the staff discount. I was made redundant a month later. My rent and loan repayments together were $440 a fortnight. My unemployment benefits were $380. I scrounged around for studio work. I moved so far west of the city that I was scared of the people I lived near - the ones who are your race, your colour, but they know you're not of their kind. When you walk into a bar, everyone tracks you from the corner of their eyes and you feel the malice. I didn't go to the movies, buy music, go out, buy a new book - *anything* for a year. I was stuck at home except when I had an infrequent bit of work or going to the dole office. I was summonsed to go to court for non-payment of loans and credit cards - my sister had just enough money to bail me out of that one. And even though I've had a good job for a couple of years now, the hard times still aren't over - the debts I've incurred in that time haunt me still.
And girl troubles good lord have I had some dry times - I hear you, bro - girls don't often dig guys without cash. But it's not the cash so much as that you can never actually afford to get out and do anything.
But things are getting better for me. I've got a wonderful woman, I'm starting to get a handle on my debts. All that stuff is starting to get good - but I'm lacking one thing you seem to have in abundance - direction.
You have a vital passion for what you want to do with your life. I used to have that, but it's mostly gone. It niggles at the back of my head, but I don't know how to bring it out.
Thor, dude - you're doing it tough, it's a hard road and you're deprived of the love of a good woman.... but you have the time and motive to work on the things that are still important to you.
And you've got friends.
They'd all miss you.
It's hard, it's tough and it sucks dude. But don't focus on it - just take a few deep breaths and decide to stop focusing on problems and things you lack - but to take advantage of the time you have, and write, write, write, write, write.
It does get better.
Posts: 2245 | Registered: Nov 1998
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I need to remind myself of this every once in a while.
Thor: I'm about the same age as you. I too have wild ambitions. [Okay: While I do have a great family, it didn't come easy.]
Here's the thing I keep thinking of: We're babies. We're only in our early thirties, man. There's still time. Who knows what the world will be like in 25 years?
Sure, the problems of the world aren't going to go away, and it's good to grow up and be realistic about it. Tom is right. But while those who keep fighting lose a little of their idealism, they also gain in experience, talent, friends, etc. I figure I won't come into my full powers until 50-55.
'Sides. Last thing this world needs is less princes of light. You know what I mean?
Posts: 3423 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
Listen to Radiohead, Thor. And the Smashing Pumpkins, if you have them. Let the beauty of their pain wrought into music fill you with life and love again.
Posts: 2843 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!
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Keep going Thor. You know God loves you and cares about you. I know how hard that is to reconcille when sometimes all you feel is a giant hole, like the darkness is swallowing you and you'll never see the light again. And you want to just make it all go away. But, the pain does ease. The light will return. You will happiness. Find a good way to pour out the anguish in your soul so there is room for peace and light. Perhaps you already have. (((Thor)))
Posts: 5879 | Registered: Apr 2001
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I have felt very bad at times, but I have never been so deep that I was really serious about death. But at one moment like that, I decided that I would do several things that I really fear before giving in.
For some reason, learning to backflip on the ground was one of them. I have never had to start practicing, not yet. But that determination has stayed with me.
I feel glad to say that it has been several years since I felt really bad.
I hope things get better for you. Try to be cheerful.
Posts: 554 | Registered: Nov 2000
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posted
Yeah, I spent about 2 years in a full scale emotional tale spin. I actually work up feeling achy and sore - I didn't sleep well. Because I wasn't accomplishing anything, and was in fact failing badly enough in college to flunk out at the end of my freshmen year. To stave off the emotional pain, I cut my thighs on a regular basis, high enough that no one would see the wounds.
I spent much of the year wanting to leave my friends and family behind, and just find some dumb little job that would pay enough for me to eat and sleep under a roof. I didn't believe I was good enough to expect anything else out of life.
Now, I'm attending a university, and that's staved off most feelings of depression. But I'm still broke all the time, because I have a hard time getting a decent paying job. I've got a minimum wage job, and I'm broke all the time. I've also let my driver's license lapse. So I've got that feeling of not getting anywhere. Any attempt at dating is completely undercut by these two things - that and the fact that I'm just plain ugly.
So life's a mixed bag for me right now. I find school to be fulfilling, but no one has any respect for me, because I don't do anything to deserve it. I just can't help but think this is going to be the pattern for the rest of my life.
Posts: 1515 | Registered: Feb 2002
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Thor, just keep in mind, God doesn't want you to kill yourself. If he wants you to join him in heaven, he will take you. Wait for God's timing, don't bring it on yourself. Best of luck and Godspeed Thor.
posted
Thor you speak of art that no one notices and about love for God.
Perhaps in these difficult times, God might be having the same problem with you that you're having with your family. God has created a huge world out there, beautiful in balance and change. It's independent of money, employment or human affairs.
Please, do me a favor, take a walk down to a city park (wilderness state/national parks are better), pick a quiet spot, sit down, kick back and just exist for a minute. Put the worries of a job, a lovelife and money to the side for a moment. Just soak in the feel of the breeze, the warmth of the sun, the grass under you, sounds of the birds. Drink it all in.
Now, think about this, all of that beauty, the fragile and eternal world was created for You. And then, please realize that tomorrow it will still be there, still there for You.
Drink it in, let it nourish the artist inside of you. Let it recharge your batteries. Let it soften and strengthen your conviction.
And then, go on and live Your life. If your art only makes you happy, then you're one audience member higher than 98% of the world's population.
Get yourself back on track, dear friend, be who YOU are and I will bet you anything that your own happiness and satisfaction will follow. These times are building character in you that you won't understand until you are tested again like this.
And friend, these times you are working through are going to make you a better and stronger version of yourself. Perhaps the person that the Perfect Gal out there is looking for and needing.
Hold on, stick around and do take care of yourself.
Posts: 2848 | Registered: Feb 2003
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posted
I don't have anything to add to the responses you've gotten, Thor; those who have replied already are far more eloquent than I could possibly be.
However, I do have one word of advice, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to contradict Anne Kate on something.
Don't listen to Radiohead. Specifically, don't listen to OK Computer, which a close and emotionally unstable friend of mine believes to be the most depressing album ever created. I also wouldn't listen to the Smashing Pumpkins, much as I love them.
Listen to your favourite happy songs. Happy songs. Songs that make you feel like you're standing on a mountaintop with your arms spread out and a camera circling around you filming the opening shot of some epic movie masterpiece. Uplifting. Soaring.
Always believe that feeling anything at all, even terrible pain, is better than feeling nothing. That helps.
posted
Ah, twinky! I guess different people are different. So do whichever is best for you, Thor. Happy songs don't nourish my spirit when I am very sad. They make me feel cut off from joy, utterly alone and outside of the web of life. Only sad songs feed me at such times. Street Spirit (fade out) is one of the most beautiful songs ever written. Because though it is about how death eats everything, the heartbreaking beauty of it belies its subject. For me it is always about how life and love still exist even in the very face of universal death. To me it is the ultimate comfort.
Posts: 2843 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!
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Might I suggest some Muddy Waters or Leadbelly? Really good old blues music can heal the soul.
Posts: 2848 | Registered: Feb 2003
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The perfect song for me when I'm depressed is Blind Melon's "No Rain"
It's got an extremely cheerful beat that makes me want to dance, but he's singing about alienation and depression which makes me feel like I'm being sympathized with. How perfect is that?
I mean, besides the fact that the lead singer ended up commiting suicide. Posts: 7600 | Registered: Jan 2001
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I thought he died of a heroin overdose. Was he trying to do so, or do I have me dead musicians crossed?
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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I'm more like twink, I think, in that music and the emotion I'm feeling can create a feedback loop--if I feel depressed I'll be inclined to put on depressing music, which further depresses me, which makes me more likely to put on depressing music, ad infinitum.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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Noemen - You're right. Shannon Hoon did die of an overdose. For some reason overdosing always translates in my mind to 'suicide,' though I know they are not necessarily the same thing.
Posts: 7600 | Registered: Jan 2001
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posted
I usually listen to depressing music when I'm depressed it sort of helps me. It doesn't make me any less depressed but it makes me a little more rational, and it usually makes me feel less alone, especially if the singer's reasons for being depressed are similiar to mine. And kind like what ak said hearing happy songs when I'm depressed makes me feel like I missed something, like am alone and standing in the corner watching everyone else enjoy the party. I guess to me when I'm depressed depressing music is someone saying 'yeah I understand', and happy music is someone saying 'there is something wrong with you, you should be happier like us'. If you saw it that way, which would you prefer.
I especially like Adam's Song, and Suicide is Painless, to be depressed, have that added push and still live hear the next song is always a comfort for me.
Ralphie - I have heard reporters call it "involuntary suicide" a few times when they are talking about a celebrity who died of a drug overdose, if you heard it said that way when Shannon Hoon died then its a pretty simple oversight.
Posts: 2332 | Registered: Jul 2003
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I don't have anything to really add, except to tell you that I know exactly what it's like to feel like you're wandering with no real purpose.
I can't believe I'm 32 and don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Yes, I'm a mother, but kids grow up and leave to forge lives of their own, and that's the way it should be.
For a long time I thought teaching was for me, but as soon as I realized I couldn't go back to college, I gave up the teaching dream without a look back. No regrets. I don't even consider it even more.
Writing? *shrug* Don't know if I'm good enough to ever make a difference with it, to ever create anything truly worthwhile.
My therapist and I are working on this very thing right now, how to find out what direction it is that God has planned for you. I have to believe he knows what he wants from me, and from you, dear Thor. We just haven't found it yet.
I'm not a patient person. It's hard to sit back and wait. Though I know that God has sometimes taken years to reveal things to some of his children. His timing is not our own and he doesn't work according to our requests - but to his own will.
That's tough for us mere mortals.
(((Thor))) Please, please contact me directly if you feel like you need to talk to someone. Email me, or call me - anyone who's been around hatrack long enough knows enough about me to call information for my number. Or email me and I'll give it to you.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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I know you didn't want sympathy, man, but I feel for ya anyway.
(((Thor)))
And, really, I've seen a few of your "comic-book type" sketches...and they're better than quite a bit of the comics on sale these days. I haven't heard your music (you play guitar, right?), but I'm sure it's as heart-felt as anything you do. So didn't give up hope, alright buddy?
*dittos what everyone else said*
Posts: 1595 | Registered: Feb 2003
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I find "depressing" music more helpful for such things myself. Radiohead, the Delgados and The Black Heart Procession keep me going when I'm depressed. Happy music makes me feel like punching someone.
Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2002
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quote: I can't believe I'm 32 and don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Yes, I'm a mother, but kids grow up and leave to forge lives of their own, and that's the way it should be.
For a long time I thought teaching was for me, but as soon as I realized I couldn't go back to college, I gave up the teaching dream without a look back. No regrets. I don't even consider it even more.
You sound *exactly* like my mother! She's 43 and going through the same "what do I do now?" phase as you. She left college when she was younger, and went back a few years ago and got a teacher degree. But she doesn't want to teach in a school. She's found a happy medium by teaching voice lessons, so she has music, which was her first intended degree, and still the teaching she finished college for.
I hope everything's going all right for you right now, I know very well the pain of an uncertain future. (i'm using this in the sigular hug sense, cause we don't have one of those smilies)
Posts: 3516 | Registered: Sep 2002
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Thor, as cliched as it sounds there is always tomorrow. No matter how your life is going it's a good thing to keep in mind. Also, am I the only one waiting everyday for Thor to post here?
I arrived here several years ago and then nested straight making a great new second home. It's full of my cyber brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts and Godfathers.
I cannot express or give thanks enough the gratitude I feel for all the love and attention given to me by my Hatrack family. It warms the heart and it strengthens the soul. And yes, there are those Hatrackers who consider it a huge sin to ever want or need attention (Hello Katharina), I believe in the reverse philosophy. We all need Love. We all need attention. {Except for the strange .000001 of Earth who live on top of a mountain or in a grass hut in a hermatige state}
Last week, I was at the bottom of a sinkhole. It really felt like all the fire in me had been extinquished, and that my friends is one of the scariest feelings I've ever felt (this wasn't the first time), any time I consider pre-mature death as a solution, it is a dangerous and scary time.
Well. This is a dangerous and scary time. The next 30 years of my life will largely ve defined by what happens over the next 2 to 5 years. The life of comfort or the life of a cockaroach will be decided over the next spins around the sun. It's dangerous and scary, but then that is life. No one ever said it was easy, and it's not like there is a direct quote from GOD saying "Life is Easy".
I do believe in the old addage that "God does not give us any problems we are not equipt to handle." I think this is a truism (..and it's partialy why i never liked horror films, I always thought, what ever superpower the bad guy has, the good guy will always get one better)
I feel much better than I did last when I was looking at the world with blood grey eyes. I have a great depression about once a year, and I find that it's best if I embrace it, dive into it, learn from it and hope to survive it.
I think I'm out of this one. Heck, I even wrote the "BRAND NEW SONG" that usually comes at the end of the depression."
"I'll save green. You save blue. Save me, and I'll save the best for you."
I've got a job interview Thursday and today I'm going to lollapoloza {Queens of the Stone Age, Jane's Addiction, Audioslave}, and I broke through my monumental stuck point on Jack, Jake and Josephine, the latest script I'm working on.
I want to thank you.
I love you guys.
I'll write more tonight or tomorrow when I get back from the concert.
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Thor, sucks you missed lollapalooza. I saw it here in Philly. Jurrasic 5 was also at the one here. Janes Addiction was awesome. And Audioslave did the coolest cover of The White Stripes' "Seven Nation Army".
Not that any of this helps you though. Probably quite the opposite. Glad to see you post again. Hope everything is better. I gotta agree with Leonide when she says this:
quote:I know very well the pain of an uncertain future.
I'm glad Hatrack was here to help you when you needed it, that's why i love this place.
Oh, and just wanted to use this smilie for no particular reason:
Like so many people have said, I know where you're coming from. I've often been depressed. I've often asked myself whether anything I do has any point, any purpose. I've held a knife to my own chest and wished I had the courage to press harder.
And I've woken up some mornings and just felt good. Now, I role over and kiss my girlfriend good morning. But I still doubt sometimes. I doubt about where I'm going. When I stop and think I ache because I haven't written anything worth reading in over a year. And then I remember all the other things I've done that have filled that space. Yeah, it's not always smiles and sunshine but being alive is ok, ya know. I think you might miss it if you weren't around.
Posts: 2945 | Registered: Apr 2000
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You know you'd miss it. I would. Sort of.![[Frown]](frown.gif)
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good lord have I had some dry times - I hear you, bro - girls don't often dig guys without cash. But it's not the cash so much as that you can never actually afford to get out and do anything.![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Or email me and I'll give it to you.
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(i'm using this in the sigular hug sense, cause we don't have one of those smilies)
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