posted
I don't consciously look for people who are better than me. I just look for people I have fun being with. That means they need to be funny, intelligent, profound, good communicators, and ethical people. Whether they rank above me or slightly below me on any of those scales doesn't really matter, as long as they are on the charts.
(Of course, that implicitly assumes that I must be all of those things, neh? Oh well, if I am not high on any of those lists, my friends still must not be significantly lower. I am not trying to sound stuck up . . .)
I do think friendships are important, but I don't think you need to have many of them. It just depends on how intense a friendship you have. One really good friend is enough. In my life, I've been quite lucky in this regard. (We'll see how I feel in a year or so . . .) I don't think I could handle life without any friends (but as in other things, whether or not I have friends is in my control, whether I realize it or not.
quote:I don't expect friends from here to be like friends in real life.
I'm not sure exactly what you mean, but just about everybody I've met IRL from Hatrack has turned out to be an extremely special person. You could do a lot worse than troll for friends in these waters. That's one reason I don't see myself leaving. There's just too many special people here.
Posts: 13680 | Registered: Mar 2002
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posted
Katharina, I think its important to have friends who help or encourage you to be a better person, but not necessarily "better" than you.
You sell yourself short if you view all your friends as better than you and you sell your friendship short if you think you are the only one to gain. I don't believe you truly go into friendships for selfish reasons, or are in one sided friendships.
Posts: 1777 | Registered: Jan 2003
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posted
Christy, you are 100% right. Oh dear - I posted this thread sloppily. As a professor once wrote on a paper "Lovely ideas marred by a sloppy execution." I suppose the sloppy part was that I have not sought a more accurate adjective than "better".
posted
You know, I think the important part is having true friends -- period.
Merely HAVING friends -- merely having people outside your immediate family who you care about, and for whom you would sacrifice something -- makes you a better person, AND adds depth to your life.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
Icky, I've only met Caleb in real life. I was specifically talking about Kat. Are we friends? Sure, online. But other than interacting at Hatrack, does she really have an impact on my life? No. I don't clear afternoons to have lunch or go shopping with her. I don't talk to her on the phone while I'm making dinner. Our kids don't play together while we're having a glass of wine in the afternoon. I don't call her when I'm sick of being at home and want to go see a movie on a whim. We interact when it's convient for both of us. If one of us was gone, how long would it take the other to even notice? Hell, you could be Katharina for all I know. See my point?
Posts: 9871 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
Katharina, I think you had a good step forward when you went with admire. The friends you keep have characteristics/strengths that you respect and admire about them.
You tend to keep friends that live up to (share?) your ideals? Although, you've said that you may not share beliefs. Perhaps, you tend to keep friends who live up to their ideals. Who value bettering themselves which encourages you?
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posted
Hmmm... admire is probably closer. I'm not sure.
I was trying to think of what made Molly such an incredible person. I realize "better" is the nineteen-year-old shorthand for what I thought of her. I didn't (don't) want her life, but I liked her.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
All of my friends are better than me at something. Some are better athletes. Some are smarter. Some are better musicians. Most are funnier. I wouldn't say that any of them are "better" than me, though.
I'm not sure I really "pick" my friends, either. That is, I can be quite outgoing when I choose to be, and when I'm like that I'll talk to and interact with a lot of people. Usually I'm like that at beginnings: first few months of college, first few months at a new job site, first few months of being on Hatrack. I find that I just naturally gravitate towards certain people. I find them engaging for one reason or another, and it often works out that I have a lot in common with these people, whether it be a sense of humor, general worldview or certain interests. The closeness of the resulting relationship is sometimes proportional to how well I mesh with the person (in terms of both similar and complementary traits).
On the other hand, I have several friends, some here, some offline, several very close, with whom I have some very fundamental differences in temperament or philosophy. This can put a certain amount of strain on the friendship, but I can't think of a time that it's actually ended it.
Friendships are incredibly important to me. I'm a very loyal person; my friends are like family to me. I'd take a bullet for any one of my friends. Having friends enriches life.
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posted
Twink: Okay, that leads to the next question.
Do you admire what you don't have and wish to? Or do you admire what you do have and therefore value?
Do you have it because you value it and therefor worked on it? Or do you value it because you have it and that value stems the "what I am is better" narcissism of children?
----
I'm starting to realize just how politically charged the word "better" is. Okay, I'll stop using that. It came from laziness anyway, so this is all for the better.
quote:I'm starting to realize just how politically charged the word "better" is. Okay, I'll stop using that. It came from laziness anyway, so this is all for the better.
You didn't even make it one sentence!! Posts: 9871 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
I only keep friends that I can have a good intellectual discussion with. The temporary n00b Jimmy and I are best friends. He is the more liberal of the two of us.
Posts: 650 | Registered: Aug 2003
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quote: (Side note: This is killing me in dating, because my same theory holds there and it does NOT fit the Mormon dating model at ALL - which is, if you aren't sure within three months, give up and find someone else. Dang it.)
Uhhh...Luckily, not every Mormon believes in this model. I know I sure don't. Just find someone who fits your model of how things ought to be.
I personally have a few good friends and many many acquaintances. If I never saw any of my acquaintances again, I'm not totally sure I'd notice they were gone. Without my few really good friends in my life, I'd be miserable.
"I shall choose friends among men, but neither slaves nor masters. And I shall choose only such as please me, and them I shall love and respect, but neither command nor obey. And we shall join our hands when we wish, or walk alone when we so desire." - Anthem
posted
*laugh* I just caught why half the people in the thread have come slightly wary.
Thread title: Picking friends who are better than you.
Nono, let me try that again.
Thread title: Picking friends who are better than you.
Good heavens, no wonder. Okay. Ten points off the top for just shooting my mouth off out loud without considering (1) the fact that I am in the company of friends, (2) POV, and (3) vocabulary. Sorry. I love you guys - enough to feel so comfortable I do not carefully weigh and listen to my words before I say them. On the other hand, maybe I should. Sorry.
posted
Kayla- From the sample of Hatrackers I've met, I'd say that the on-line folks here are real people.
Real in the sense that the people they are on-line are the same people they are in real life.
True, you don't need to put on your make-up before you say "Hi" to them on-line, but aside from that, I'd say that the people here are even easier to hang with IRL than they are on-line.
I wouldn't discount a friend, or count yourself friendless, just because you haven't shared a meal with these good folks.
Posts: 2425 | Registered: Jan 2002
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posted
>> Do you admire what you don't have and wish to? Or do you admire what you do have and therefore value? <<
Option 3 -- I especially admire the things in which they are greater than I.
Also I admire traits I don't possess, but to a lesser extent. My friend Fred, for example, plays every instrument I play, only better. I both respect and admire that. He's also smarter than I am. I respect and admire that.
But in friendship, I find that respect has to be mutual. He isn't my friend because I think he's better than me, he's my friend because there's mutual respect that has developed over time.
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posted
I do seek to spend time with people I am trying to "model". But those folks aren't necessarily friends.
Friends come in all different packages for me: Telephone friends - Never met them, but would miss them if we didn't talk every day. Work friends - These guys are more like family. I'd give them a kidney if they needed one. Cocktails- These are the folks that are guaranteed to brighten my day and make me forget my own troubles; I call them at 5P on my way home. Social Friends - It's always a special occasion when we get together.
I identify friends as the people that make me feel relaxed. The people that allow me to be myself and who don't walk on eggshells around me.
Specifically, generally they're the people who make fun of me when I do something stupid and I laugh right along with them.
And when they're in need, and I'm able to help, they're the people who understand that seeing them happy is all the thanks I'll ever need.
Posts: 2425 | Registered: Jan 2002
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posted
<---- Tries to think of something he can do better than twink. Comes up empty.
I'd say that I respect the qualities in other people that we share and admire the qualities they have that I don't. It's hard to respect something that you're just not familiar with.
And yes, I do think there's a difference between admiration and respect.
Posts: 3243 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
>> I'd say that I respect the qualities in other people that we share and admire the qualities they have that I don't. It's hard to respect something that you're just not familiar with. <<
That's a good way of putting it.
I admire the strength of BtL's convictions in certain areas and the strength of his character in others. I respect his intelligence and wit, among other things.
posted
I've been lucky to be blessed with good, log-term friends (and I'm only (almost) 27. Sure, in elementary, middle, and high school, there was always that one slightly unhealthy friend, but I don't keep in touch with them (and I often found that when I was friends with them, they didn't try any garbage on me)... I seem to have a knack for gaining the resprect of "fringe people", those folks perceived to be at the edge of a given group.
But enough self-promotion.
As for current friends, I still keep in touch and visit college friends, though I've been out of college, and we all live far from each other, for 4-5 years. My current roommate (until I move in with my girlfriend next week) is one of my friends from 2nd grade! I also have friends from pre-school (well, I met them in pre-school, but became really good friends in 5th/6th grade).
The best thing is, they are all good friends, friends for a lifetime. I don't know why I attract these people toward me, but I ain't complaining
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