posted
Or maybe just a place to talk about this. I'm still reeling from the news and everything seems to have hidden behind a faint haze.. a place to talk this out would be good, though I don't think I have any issues with this at all. Maybe all I need is somewhere I can talk with friends until the shock goes away.
I received an email from a good college friend about half an hour ago. The email was a small announcement: for the past 16 years, he's been dealing with not knowing, exactly, which sex he's comfortable being. And for about a year now, he's been involved with the transgendered community in his area and is very seriously considering a sex change.
I'm flabbergasted. I don't have any frame of reference for this - it's totally out of my experience. I fully intend on supporting him, 100%, in everything that he does. And I hope to make the adjustment as cleanly as possible so that I can be a good friend to him. Her. Damnit. For the duration of this post, I'll refer to my friend in the male gender. He's asked that this change, and it will...I just need to sort that out a bit.
Does anyone know anything about how I might make things easier for him? Does anyone have any experience with this? Any advice? I'm feeling a bit lost. Posts: 753 | Registered: Mar 2001
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Your friend is making this decision on his own, and your only choice is to whether or not to continue to be a friend. It sounds like you have already made it. Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
Tell her not to expect you to go easy on her in pick up basketball games just because she is now "a girl." Tell her she cannot use PMS or crying as a way to end your future arguments. Tell her you will still punch her in the arm for her birthday. Tell her she will be invited to your bachelor party. In other words, let her know that no matter what changes are made, you guys are still buddies. Posts: 4116 | Registered: Apr 2002
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I have made my decision. I am going to be her friend, no matter what. I suppose I felt that I had to do something, but the only thing that I do need to do is continue to be what I have been. And it is, as it were, the camel that broke the straw's back today.
Posts: 753 | Registered: Mar 2001
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posted
I have two friends who are transgendered. They lack the money to make the big changes, but I have stopped referring to them as 'gals'. They never looked like girls, they never sounded like girls. I knew they were girls because people talked about them. They were twins, children of one of the more respected science proffs at my college.
They are both exceedingly talent writers, too. I correspond with them regularly, and we edit for each other. It was actually much easier for me after they took me aside and told me what was up with them. I admired their work, and we had lots of common interests and at least one really close friend in common. Once I started thinking of them as guys, everything was easier, except the writer's group meetings, since I didn't want to have two guys over if Ron happened to be out of town. Just to avoid the appearance of impropriety, if out other member (female) couldn't make it because her orchestra had a gig.
Maybe it was easier for me because they were always more like guys than girls. Once they had moved headings in my mind (from really tough, butch girls, to short, not-very-hairy guys) our relationship became so much more relaxed. It was a relief.
Ron used to giggle when I'd get a packet from them, to edit, but not anymore. They give him the creeps, but he doesn't have to be around them, so it doesn't matter. They are just my friends, and I find that whatever my friends have in their pants is not interesting or terribly relevant to me.
I think men may have different issues, as far as that goes.
This may have not been helpful. Sorry.
Posts: 9293 | Registered: Aug 2000
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The decision will not be over with the change. A friend of mine did the exact same thing, but a year later, even more confused, went back to being a man. She got married to a very nice woman, then, after a male child and three years later, decided to be a woman again. Then she decided to just be half-way there!
I always think: that poor kid! If the decision had gone one way or another it would have been fine. But constantly changing your gender?
There is great confusion there, I hope your friend is stronger than that. You have made the right choice, however. I hope it's not a bumpy ride.
Posts: 1843 | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
At least you didn't have your friend tell you in person late at night, totally out of the blue, at which point you jumped out of your chair screaming,"Holy crap! What did you just say?!?"
Rather embarassing, that.
As to your question, not much you can do but be his friend.
Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002
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Quite the opposite, Olivet. Stories help me understand things better, always have and they probably always will. Thank you. Posts: 753 | Registered: Mar 2001
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There's one thing I have a question about. Will this friend expect you to keep this secret? Under what circumstances. For example, if she decides to have a serious relationship with a man, will she tell him about her original sex? Suppose she neglects to tell him and they announce an engagement? Will you be comfortable keeping the secret then?
There are ethical dilemmas surrounding this issue that you may face in the great by and by.
In the meantime, you sound like you are well equipped to be a good friend to someone who will no doubt need friends in the larger community than just among the transgender folks in your town.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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posted
Lime: Dunno if it helps any, and issues and such aside, but your reaction only shows me one thing: You're the kind of friend I'd be glad to have. (And glad I do have, come to think of it. I love my friends. Except Lissande, who never writes anymore ^_~)
posted
Don't have any personal insight to share, but good for you for sticking by a friend. I'll bet he does lose some fairweather friends over this.
You said stories might help you, how about fiction? The World According to Garp has two transgender characters (actually three, , you'll get it if you read the book) and is a great book. The movie is good but simplifies the only transgender character (great performance by John Lithgow.)
Also, many John Varley stories and novels have sex-changing characters. Steel Beach is one, a great book, very good characters and plot, plus its hilarious. Varley postulates that when medicine makes sex-changes cheap, convenient, and easily reversible, that many in society would try it. I think he writes in one of his stories that 30% might try it and switch back, 5-10% change permanently, and 5% change whenever they want (to match an outfit, or for a weekend... ) .
Posts: 6316 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
Actually, Bob, my friend's email was quite lengthy (thankfully!) and I do have answers to those.
She is still attracted to women, so after the change is made, she'll be a lesbian. Also, she waited to tell me until she was ready to tell everybody and not worry about it anymore, so I thankfully don't have to worry about telling mutual friends - though I think I'll leave that to her anyway. It's best not to hear such things second hand.
I think that I'm beginning to settle now... I'm not shocked anymore, and I'm glad that she's going to be able to settle this issue that's been bothering her for such a long time. The reason that it came as such a shock is because while he was a strange person (still is - don't know exactly how to put it to words, but it's the good kind of strange), I never considered for a moment that he might be having gender issues because the signs that I saw I wrote off as him being who he was and not worry about what other people thought of him because of it. This still is true, though it goes deeper than I was expecting. Posts: 753 | Registered: Mar 2001
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, you'll get it if you read the book) and is a great book. The movie is good but simplifies the only transgender character (great performance by John Lithgow.) ![[ROFL]](graemlins/rofl.gif)
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