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I am so upset right now. This is an emotional rant. I've already left work and walked over to the adjacent forest preserve and had a good cry over the matter. It is something that in the grand scheme of things is I guess inconsequential, but it opens old wounds that I thought I was over.
My mother seflessly takes care of my 90 year old grandfather day after day. Granddaddy isn't even her father, he is my Dad's father. Most of the rest of her friends have gone back to at least part time work after raising their children. While they could put him in part time senior care (which I strongly suspect he might enjoy because of the planned activities) they adamantly refuse because they don't feel it is Morally Right. So Mom takes care of his every need, all day every day, with few breaks. She also maintains a household in a constant state of coming and going between my two brothers and my father.
I know it is hard on Dad watching his father in a weakened debilitated condition. Dad however coaches a swim team for 2-3 hours an evening every evening so he is even less able to share the care of Granddaddy with her after work. Before Granddaddy moved in Mom actually became a certified swim coach not because she had any burning desire to be one but because Dad needed help.
Now with my brothers being older, there isn't as much to keep her busy any more other than taking care of Granddaddy, which is still a huge job. I know she is suffering a bit from empty nest syndrome since Stephen is away at college (though it less than an hour away, and he often comes home on weekends to have her do his laundry) and Nate is working and attending a community college and not at home except in the evenings.
So she called me, and said that her friend had gotten a little dog, a Brussles-Griffon and that it was so sweet and had a perfect personality and she wanted one. It is small and calm enough to be a lap dog that Granddaddy could pet and it would keep her company as well. She wanted it so badly that she told me she didn't care what my father said (This tells me exactly how much she wants it.)
My father is adamantly opposed to getting another dog. I had to beg constantly for 10 years before I got my dog, Splash, which was also the family pet. Before I got Splash, from the time I was about 5 or 6 on (I started asking for a dog as soon as I could talk) there would be a discussion every couple of months where I would ask for a dog and logically prove that I had done all my chores and was responsible enough for one and Dad would relent enough to hear my argument. Then he'd crack down and say no. This cycle nearly always ended with me in tears and frustrated and angry.
I understand children not getting everything they want. But, at the same time for me at least I would argue that this wasn't just quite a "want" but a "need" as well. I needed something that did love me more unconditionally than my parents. In my childhood my parents (while deep down I choose to believe they do really love me) displays of love and affection, other than reading books to me were always extremely conditional upon my performance, academically or piano playing or whatever.
This happened until I was 10. At 10 there was a small miracle where a relative going through a divorce needed to place a dog. The dog was full grown well behaved and already house trained. After my Great Aunt battered him on the phone for a couple hours Dad finally relented and said yes. The cousin who was giving up the dog, had a change of heart at the last minute however, and decided to keep the dog because it was the only thing that loved her unconditionally. Even then I understood, because I wouldn't have wanted to give up my dog either, but I was also heartbroken. However at Christmas that year my great-aunt (who felt responsible) gave me money for a dog, and Dad finally let me get Splash.
Let me explain further. Dad actually loves dogs and they love him. He helped me train Splash and took me to most of my dog shows. The problem is that he can't cope with their death. His theory is that it hurts too much and he doesn't want to feel pain so never again. Losing Twig, the Sheltie he had during childhood was what made him so adamant against me having a dog during the first place.
Splash died nearly five years ago now and he still hasn't gotten over it. He doesn't realize that one of the few things that actually helps grief is opening your heart to love again. While the old emptiness will still be there, you aren't descrating the memory of the previous animal (or human for that matter) by loving something/one else.
Getting my current dog(s) was the only thing that stopped the horrible nightmares I would have about Splash, where she would be hurt and I couldn't get to her no matter how hard I tried. I know I was bonded to Splash as much if not more than my father, so my loss at least equals if not exeeds his. We also are very much alike in emotions and I'm sure we both still miss her. I still have dreams about her and wake up thinking she is alive, but now at least in the dreams she is happy and playing with the two current dogs I have.
So even though small dogs and interacting them are demonstrably good for all senior citizens, of which my 90 year old grandfather is defintitely one, and even though my mother has asked for something for herself which she hasn't done in years my father clings to his SELFISH GRIEF(The last big thing she asked for was 4 years ago when she asked him for a replacement set of pots and pans to replace the ones they got at their WEDDING 25 years before. Incidentally, she still hasn't gotten them. I'm going to get them for her for Christmas, because I can't stand it any longer.) He is so selfish that he is unable to open his heart to loving another animal because dispite the 10+ years of joy he will get. He is attempting to avoid the unavoidable pain in life that comes from loving anything, and is closing himself off from his own loved ones needs in the process.
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Anna, this makes me so sad. Would it be awful of you to go buy your mom a dog? Or encourage her to just go GET it? I don't know your family dynamic, so I don't want to suggest something that will make matters worse. Your Grandpa needs friendship, too, and I'm sure your mom does her best, but if he could just go to a senior center (not a care facility, but a community center kind of thing) once a week, that would help him enormously, as well as your mom. Even if she had to be there the whole time. My husband's auntie cared for her father (hubby's granddad) in his declining years (same age as your Grandpa), and it was very hard for her emotionally and physically. Please make sure that your mom is taking care of herself. *hugs for AJ and her Mom*
Posts: 1545 | Registered: May 2002
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posted
Well last night she was going to fill out the online application for this particular rescue dog before discussing it with him. The whole "It is better to beg for forgiveness rather than ask for permission" I had already called and talked to the rescue lady at my mother's request and I think the lady would love to send the dog to them. (They are a wonderful family for a dog. Dad's problem isn't that he is a dog hater but that he feels he loves them "too much") Unfortunately my little bro had taken apart the computer and she couldn't get on the internet. I should have just filled out the online application over the phone for her at that time from my computer and I'm tempted to do so now though I would be missing one address.
Since she couldn't do it while he was coaching swimming, she brought up the whole disscussion when he got home, and that is when it hit the fan.
The problem is really one of religion. My mother believes that in order to honor God she is supposed to submit to my father as head of the household, and that he is the one who will make the best decisions for the family. Theoretically the father is supposed to be making decisions in love for the family's greater good.
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I completely understand the "need" for a dog. My husband and I believe that few things are better for a child than to grow up with one. You get so many lessons on unconditional love, sacrifice, resposibility, and death, not to mention they are great fun! We are contemplating moving just so that we can get a dog.
I'm sure that adults can have this need, too. I feel bad for you and your mom as I also had an unrelenting father that wouldn't let me have a dog, and I believe it was also because of a loss he suffered, because he seems to love dogs very much.
What can I say? I hope that your mom gets what she needs. Love to Banna and Banna's Mom.
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Mom does take Granddaddy (as well as other assorted elderly neighbors that live near by) to an arthritis prevention excercise class twice a week. (All of the movment is done while sitting in a chair.) From all accounts Granddaddy lives from class to class for the socialization. Mom stays in the class and does the exercises with them, and thinks they are probably good for her too.
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I think your mom should just go ahead and get the dog. Your dad will be upset for a little while, but he'll come around.
Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002
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You fail to take into account the hold her religous beliefs play in this. If she goes against my father's now explicitly expressed wishes, she will now be "sinning". She strives her best to be righteous according to what she believes, for which I give her credit.
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I've thought about it for a while and I'm e-mailing it basically as is with only the first sentence removed and a couple of words changed. Once my little bro at college sends me their e-mail addy that is. I don't have their e-mail address in my address book here at work. I already sent him a transcript though, so he knows what is going down.
posted
Happy tear-jerking story about the other little dog that influenced my mom to want one.
Mom's lifelong friend Mary went back to school for a teaching credential and began teaching school after a divorce. Mary often let me "borrow" her animals when we visited. She taught me to ride her horses and let us city kids get to meet newborn goats.
She asked the principal of her school (which is in the city) if she could bring her animals to class and use them in her teaching. He said yes ONLY if she has written permission from the parents of every child in her class. After a couple of years of being a fabulous teacher, the parents are prepared and can't wait for their kids to end up in her class so they are more than happy to sign the consent.
One year combining reading Charlottes Web and Thanksgiving, the class raised a turkey chick named Wilbur. Wilbur has the best disposition of any live male turkey you will ever see, and loves kids! He lives with Mary and still makes occasional class appearances.
She brought her little Brussels Griffon(BG) puppy to class recently. In this 3rd grade class there was a little girl whose mother died from cancer last year. She went home from school to find out that her mother died. She now understandably hates school and cries all the time. She was transferred to Mary in mid-year after a horrible episode with a teacher who basically told her to "buck up and get over it". If she was crying too much and just didn't want to be in class and face people Mary would arrange for her to sit in a chair out in the hallway.
So, Mary brought the BG to class. After letting all of the children have a chance to hold it, she told them that it was now the dogs free time and that she had to be left alone to roam the classroom and do what she wanted for a while. So they put her down and watched her. The little dog made a beeline for the crying girl and lay down at her feet.
The little girl smiled and stopped crying.
Now she can't wait to get to school because the dog will be there, and even told Mary that she doesn't know how she is going to get through the weekend without Mary and the dog.
Mary has also used the interaction with the little dog with great sucess with several other students. (happy tears)
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AJ - I hope sending it to him will help him to understand your mothers position. Assertive communication is frequently the way to go.
Posts: 7600 | Registered: Jan 2001
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posted
I know this is going to drag up a lot of crap that hasn't been unearthed for a long time and is sometimes better buried. On the other hand maybe now is the right time for it.
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Well I sent it to my family. I know my mother read it but don't know if my father has.
Close friends think I should have actually worded it more strongly.
I also filled out the rescue application in my mother's name. Dad may get mad at me but we've been there before. There isn't anything he actually can do to me. Mom had no hand in it so he can't get mad at her.
The reason why the whole mess hit so close to home emotionally was because it transported me to about the age of 7 when I can remember asking for a dog and getting my heart broken every time by the answer. Maybe I cried that out of my system yesterday. I hope I did.
Would it be dishonest (in your eyes) if she went and got the dog as a "gift" for granddaddy? That way she isn't really getting it for herself, she bought it as a gift, and presented it to him -- it belongs to granddaddy, and what would daddy say about it? Would he say -- no you have to return that gift? He couldn't very well tell granddaddy to give it up, could he?
Posts: 9538 | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
That would be a nice solution. The general consensus of everyone I know is, that she should go get the dog and my Dad will get over it.
However from what I've gleaned, apparently the argument he's used on her is that the dog will cause her more work while she's supposed to be taking care of granddaddy and he doesn't think she should have to deal with it.
So he comes off as "looking out for her best interests" even though it is a load of crock. She won't go against Dad because she truly, truly believes it is "SIN". Doing something like giving it to Granddaddy to get around it would still be "SIN" because it is only a technicality.
I guess that in a strange way I do respect the fact that her convictions are so strong that she believes misery is the only righteous choice she has. On the other hand at the same time I think it is totally stupid, and when it is easily prevented why should anyone be that miserable.
I know she cried her eyes out all of yesterday. I wish I could do something more for her. I haven't actually talked to my father on the phone. I really don't know what I'd say to him that wasn't in the email. On the phone I would just say it more succintly, and probably use stronger language that I might regret. "Selfish prick" is one phrase that comes to mind.
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Is there any one that's close enough to both your parents and your grandfather that could give him a dog? You could arrange it, then your mom wouldn't have any involvement at all.
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A friend and I have contemplated that, but my parents would probably refuse the dog. Dad because of the aformentioned reasons, and Mom because she believes that she is required by God to go along with Dad.
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Banna, I've been thinking about this. If your dad won't 'let' your mom get a dog, perhaps your mother could work at a no-kill animal shelter. I know from reading your post that it seems like your mother hasn't a lot of time, but...maybe she can make some time. Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002
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posted
I wouldn't put it past my dad to refuse a gift for his father (my grandfather). That's just the way he is. He is perfectly aware that giving it to Granddaddy is just someone trying to get around him, and he isn't that stupid.
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Banna - Your story really touched me. I feel for you. The "husband is the patriarch and has the final say" line of thinking has been much qualified in recent years in the LDS church, but in the older generation there are some outmoded lines of thinking that are hard to overcome. I'm going on the assumption that your family is LDS - if so I could help you dig up a lot of quotes from the prophets and church leaders that make it very clear decisions should be made much more in partnership. A husband making a final decision for selfish personal reasons does not qualify as inspired leadership of the home. He ought to be kicked in the behind for letting your mother make such a martyr of herself, anyway. Perhaps you could tell him it's his moral and spiritual responsibility to make sure his wife is happy, even at some sacrifice to his own sensibilities.
I hope your father will listen to you. If it worked for your great-aunt years ago, maybe you can do the same thing now.
Hugs, and lots of good luck.
Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
Banna, I have to tell you... Concerning not this kind of issue, but other things, I laid it out and yelled at my dad this summer. Things are much, much better - at least from my perspective.
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Actually they aren't LDS. It would be a lot more helpful if they were, because then I'd have a larger body of work to draw on. Unfortunately I basically have only the Bible.
I know exactly where to find "ammo" too, but since I don't actually believe it exactly the way they do, I'm not sure if I should use my father's religion against him just because I can.
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of course you should. as long as nothing you quote goes against your own beliefs, i don't think it's an issue at all. and it might be the only thing your mom listens to, since she isn't going to take your beliefs as arguements.
Posts: 3956 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
I doubt her dad is going to listen, though. Once someone has formed an opinion on scripture, it's pretty hard to budge them from that view. At least, that's been my experience on the 'rack. If he really does have a view of women that they are somehow inferior to men or something, then he probably won't listen to her, anyway.
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posted
I wouldn't give up, though. Hearts can change and be softened through the spirit. There's always hope for a miracle.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
I was thinking of using the "Husbands love your wives as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for her" and asking him why he is depriving his wife of joy, because I couldn't concieve Christ doing that.
She is clearly miserable and has been for a while. And I don't even know if he's noticed. If anything the implication is that Dad should be willing to embrace personal pain so that his wife can be happy. This is what she does for him.
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Wow I had no idea how worked up over this I was to day. I mean I knew I was yesterday but suddenly my stomach stopped churning and I can actually get work done again now that there is some closure.
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AJ - That's wonderful! Keep on them and keep us posted.
I've always liked cute little dogs - not so much poodles or chihuahuas, and our neighbors have a Chinese Crested (hairless except for tufts on head and tail) that is repulsive. But Maltese terriers, Bichon Frises (sp?) and the like are very cute. But Mr. Mockingbird calls them all "little yapper dogs" and refuses to even consider them, or cats, in our home. So I'm stuck with our yellow Labrador, who is very nice, but I still look enviously at the little white Maltese across the street.
Anyway, I'm very glad your father has had a softening of his heart. Go enjoy your day!
Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
One of the nice things about the Brussels Griffon and their closely related cousins the Affenpinschers is that they aren't as yappy as schnauzers and some of the other toy breeds.
This is one reason why I thought it would be a good breed.
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