posted
Everything looked good when he rolled out of surgery and into my unit. Pressures were good, heart rate was good, O2 sat’s were great, even the wound covers looked clean. He had been in open-heart surgery for 9 hours, had 3 bypass graphs, and now lay peacefully in my CVICU. The doctor was talking to the family letting them know how everything went in surgery, the OR team was in the back munching on snacks and joking around, and my CVICU team was taking care of business like every other day…until…
His O2 sat’s fell, his A-line started dropping, his skin became diaphoretic (cool, damp, clammy), his heart rate jumped up, and in 25 seconds he went from being a classic stable patient to crashing. There was no other option except to crack the chest again, right there in the unit, and give interthoracic cardiac massage (pumping the heart with your hand). As the doctor began reopening the new chest, the rest of us broke out the surgery gear and prepared to bring this man back to life. We had the best team, the best doctors, the best equipment, and we all knew what to do…
Two and a half hours later, everyone covered in blood, the room trashed, the equipment dripping with various liquids and drugs, and with the doctors’ hands still inside the open chest pumping away at the heart, it suddenly became apparent to all in the room that this was a futile effort. Almost in answer to our silent thoughts, the doctor pulled his hands away from the now motionless and lifeless heart and said, “…he’s gone.” Our shoulders sank, the air became thick, and for a brief moment and in our own way we all said our quiet goodbyes.
I’m around this stuff every day; life and death; joy and suffering; revelation and confusion. I’ve become thick-skinned to it all; one has to in order to survive. But every now and then, and I mean rarely, the process of death (watching the heart stop, holding the patients hands and feeling the life melt right out, etc.) shakes me enough that the experience imprints itself into my memory leaving a vivid and potent reminder that life is way too short to waste. I waste it worrying that my truck broke down and cost me $700; I waste it procrastinating; I waste it watching TV; I waste it in pointless arguments with my wife; I waste life doing an endless list of things that when viewed in retrospect are childish, selfish and just plain stupid.
I post this, not for consolation, for I still have air in my lungs, but rather in hopes that someone might take even just a second to ponder how much time they waste and if it’s worth it. After tonight, watching this man die, hearing his wife weep, feeling the grief sweep over his daughter, I once again reevaluate my perspective and decide to live life instead of just existing in life. Yet I ask you a question…
How long will this new resolution last? Will it fade tomorrow morning when I slide back into the ‘grind’ of everyday life? Will my new viewpoint toward life be suffocated under the relentless fist of this world as it tries to pound me into submission of it’s false idea that life should be lived for ones self and with no regard to anyone else? Next week, when I pass the homeless man, will I nod, not wanting to waste the time, or will I stop and genuinely ask, “Is there anything I can do for you?” Will I too succumb to the sirens call to be selfish instead of giving of ones self? Will you forget the quiet tug on your heart when you turn away from your computer?
You see, my friend, we forget too easily the true reality of this life and instead swallow the diseased milk this world seductively offers. We fly through life constantly wanting more, constantly looking to the future in order to satisfy our hunger when we desperately need to take a deep breath, look around and for a moment, genuinely be thankful. I guess, this post is an attempt at reminding myself to live in the day, in the moment, because when I kiss my wife goodbye…I may never experience the warmth of her lips again. So, help a stranger, smile at your friend, apologize to your enemy, hug your children, kiss your spouse, and relish in life. Because you, or your loved one, might be on my table one day with a hand in your chest trying to bring you back so that you can do what you should have been doing all along…living life, instead of preparing to live it and wasting it…
quote: living life, instead of preparing to live it and wasting it…
I'm always scared that one day I'm going to wake up and realise that I'm old, I've done nothing of worth with my life and it's too late. Or, worse, not wake up, and not have done the important things that I always wanted to do but put off until "tomorrow". Too much preparation and not enough living.
Things like this remind us for a little while. But not long enough.
posted
I don't know how many out there have read your post, Tieko, but I think it's a great one ! And with this I'll just put this thread back on top of the list...
Posts: 4519 | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
That was a beautiful and poignant post, Tieko. It's humbling to realize you can die even in a hospital surrounded by medical professionals.
Posts: 6316 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
Very beautiful and true. I hope to make my life meaningful, to contribute to the world and to live life with every atom in my body... And to be as good a friend to the people I care about as I can. I hope I'm not wasting it... Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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![[Cry]](graemlins/cry.gif)
That's a beautiful post. And so true. ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
