You don't deserve that, lady. You're better than that. Don't give up. Don't let it take you over. Relax, and we'll be here for you.
Posts: 4816 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
To everyone who chatted, and is still chatting with me, thank you, and I love you.
To everyone who read, or will read this post and wish you could help me, thank you, and I love you too.
To everyone who has posted, will post, or won't post because they think they have nothing to add, thank you, and I love you.
I love each and every one of you to the bottome of my soul. I can't think of any other group of strangers I'd rather pour my heart out to. I know none of you personally, but you are the best, only, wonderful friends I have and I thank God every day I found this place.
I'll be okay, I think. I'm frightened, confused, lonely, embarrassed, and just plain sad and angry.
posted
Oh my goodness Boon, I'm so so sorry... ((((((((((Boon))))))))))
IM me or e-mail me at ABSOLUTELY any time you want, ok? I'd be happy to talk to you whenever you need to talk to someone! (E-mail and SN in my profile)
Posts: 7877 | Registered: Feb 2003
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((((Boon)))) I'm so sorry. But you are right to not want to stay in the kind of marraige you've described.
I have just one tiny suggestion. Examine your past marraiges and determine if they ended in divorce for similar reasons. If so, try to discover why you are getting into similar types of relationships.
And good for you to have the strength to get out of a relationship that is not good for you.
Posts: 168 | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
Boon, I'm sorry for all the sadness and confusion.
Stay healthy, make good choices, and take care of yourself. You are important.
Remember -- nobody else, ever, will understand what went on in your relationship than you and he. And you do not have to justify or explain your reasons to anyone else. Really, you don't. Act in good faith, and try to be as gentle to yourself and others as you can.
Sometimes that means leaving, when your staying makes things worse somehow.
(((Boon)))
[Edit: unohoo is -- of course -- correct that self-examination is healthy and helpful. I wasn't responding to that post, but just a general comment that you shouldn't feel you have to justify yourself to others. It's always good to try to learn from experiences, though, as they are our best way of examining ourselves.]
posted
Thank you CT for understanding my comment as I meant it. I didn't take your response to be a criticism of what I was trying to convey and appreciate that you were able to express what I meant better than I was.
(((Boon))), CT is right, I wasn't trying to criticize you at all. I was just hoping that if this is a repeated mistake that you will be able to avoid it in the future.
Posts: 168 | Registered: Aug 2003
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A friend at work recently went through a very similar situation, but her lieing, cheating, abusive husband was arrested for a city wide robbery spree to support his and his other girls drug habits.
I could be worse.
Here are three bits of advice.
1) Check into an abuse shelter/support group. Spousal abuse is not just physical. There is an entire psychology that abusive men will use to make you dependent on them and keep you enslaved to them. A support group, a fresh and informed point of view, will help. They will show you how to help yourself and your children.
2) Get a lawyer now. I have witnessed horror stories of young ladies who ended up on the streets because their husbands bought good lawyers and sweet talked the judge.
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
What are you going to do? Lean on friends, hurt awhile, heal...
Listen, as a kid living with parents that should have divorced long ago, I'm biased. I can say this much though: Bias aside, no one should live what you just described if they don't want to. It's sounds terribly cliche and flippant but in all honestly, just do it. It's easier if you don't eat yourself up over things by worrying or thinking about them too much. Make a choice and follow through with it. That's really all I have to say.
That and... ::major hugs to Boon:: Take care of yourself and your children and don't be afraid to lean on people. It's what we're all here for.
Posts: 1548 | Registered: Aug 2002
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posted
(((Boon))) Honey, we love you. I'm so sorry. It's all about YOU right now. You and your children. Don't be afraid, ashamed, or embarassed to do whatever you need/want/have to do to make YOU happy and healthy. You're in my prayers. Posts: 6415 | Registered: Jul 2000
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You and your children are in my thoughts. Here's a massive hug {{{{Boon and her family}}}}. I hope things get better for you. Keep your strength and love with your children and yourself. And remember, you can always rant here. Someone is bound to listen.
posted
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I went through the divorce part recently, but not the lying, abusive, etc. My ex and I are very amicable and I believe we'll stay that way.
When men get abusive towards their wives and children, I get really, REALLY ticked off. There's no need for it. It never makes anything better. But still there are guys out there who do it.
All I can say is that I pray for you to have the strength you need for yourself and your kids. Nothing more to offer really, except hugs.
posted
Just hang in there. No trouble lasts forever. Things will get better and such times will pass, so to speak.
Posts: 2258 | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
You probably really don't want to think about this right now. But. You do not have to carry that baby to term. It doesn't sound like the best of environments to bring a new child into. Unfortunately you do not have alot of time to ponder this. Please save your limited physical and emotional resources for the children who are already here and will soon be losing their father. (Don't get me wrong. It sounds like no father is better than the one they have. But it will still be hard on them)
posted
Speaking as someone who vehemently disagrees with Loki's post (both in content and execution), I ask those of you who would like to argue the point to please let that dog lie out of concern and respect for Boon and her family.
Loki, I don't know if you intended it or not, but your latest post and your name go togther hand-in-glove.
Posts: 2112 | Registered: Sep 1999
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Boon
unregistered
posted
To each and every one of you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
From the early a.m. chat the night this happened:
Boondocker911: I feel trapped Boondocker911: and like I've trapped him Boondocker911: this isn't fun at all Boondocker911: I feel like...maybe I'm not really seeing his side of things. Boondocker911: maybe I'm not completely innocent in all this Boondocker911: I mean, it takes 2, right? Boondocker911: so what's my part? Boondocker911: what have I done to contribute to this? Boondocker911: I just don't have the answers, and until I do, I don't think I can just leave
Loki, sweetie, I do understand what you are saying, but that would never, ever be an option for me. In my heart, I liken it to suicide: taking the coward's way out because the reality of life is hard. This is how I feel.
This pregnancy was not an accident. We decided months ago to stop trying to prevent it. And, while he's changed the rules of our relationship without consulting me, the truth is I want this child every bit as much as I wanted my first two. Yes, it's true, I may get divorced during this pregnancy, but I've lived through that before. Then again, we might be able to work things out. Right now, I don't know. For me, though, the child is not about us, it's about the new baby growing inside me.
So much has happened since that night, I don't even know where to begin. He's removed the chat programs he was using from both computers. He's erased his account at the website in question. He's told the owner of the website, who happens to be one of his close friends, that he will not be back, that he will not be attending the convention, and to please not call him anymore. Then he changed his phone number. He's severed all contact with anyone who even knows the other woman.
While he hasn't been home much, when he has been it's been almost pleasant. At least he's not yelling or name calling. He came home early last night just to bring me some onion rings because I said they sounded good.
So, I don't know. I guess the ball is in his court. I told him exactly how I feel about the issues...and he's really trying to take the steps necessary to fix our marriage. I don't think I'm being naive, I just really, really want to keep my family together.
I'm also doing things to improve my situation, make myself less dependant. I'm working on my resume. I'm in class to be state certified for tax season this spring. I'm actively looking for, if not full time, at least a part time job. I'm trying hard to be the kind of wife and mother I've always wanted to be. I'm standing up for my children, and I'm not backing down. I'm getting what I need, or I'm out.
I'm still not as strong as I'd like to be, but having all of you to come to helps a lot. Sometimes, I'm not sure whether my feelings are just overreactions or if they are absolutely justified. This time, there was no doubt, but I love that you all are here for me.
I'd like to thank the Cards from the depths of my soul, for being the kind of people who draw this kind of crowd, and for providing us a place to gather. I can't thank you enough.
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posted
I just wanted to remind you that it is an option. If it isn't a personal option for you, then so be it.
Whatever happens the relationship you have currently with your husband needs to end. That can mean many things. It could mean that you both change and grow enough to weather this and you are able to create a new relationship with him, be it one of husband/wife, good friends, tolerable father of your three children, or at worst, source of child support. Whichever relationship that you decide to create is going to be hard and is going to take work. So taking the path of least resistance is not an option. (Unfortunately)
So you must choose what you honestly think is best for You and Your children. Notice I didn't include him in the list. He is the one who has to choose what the correct path is for him (and hopefully His Children). Once you can get your mind and heart around what that is, that is the path you need to concentrate on walking on.
It will be really easy to get distracted from this path. The easiest way to do this is to take all the blame yourself and say "What did I do wrong, here?" We women do this because we can then hope there is a way we can change the result. If it's something we did, then it's something we can change and we will and that will fix everything, and we will all live happily ever after. Sadly, it's people like you who are the first to say "Hey it takes two" and who seriously look at what role they played in the problem are usually not the people who actually are the most responsible for the problem. So, do as much soul searching and inner work as you need to, but do not think that anything you did or said or believed MADE him behave a certain way. He didn't have affairs because of something you did. He didn't verbally abuse you or the children because of something you did. You do not deserve to be treated like crap, even if you made mistakes, even if you were mean, or were not understanding, or bitchy or anything. You do not deserve to be treated like crap. It isn't your fault. Only when you come to grips with this can you move on to re-build your marriage, or move on with your life, whatever you choose. His choices are his choices. You can hope he makes good ones. I hope he makes good ones. You sound like a very loving woman and men can be really stupid about letting the good ones go.
So through all of this, try to keep in mind that your goal is to do primarily what is good for you and the kids. Stay safe. If you feel you are being mistreated in any way, i.e. if he starts yelling at you or the kids, or if any conflict escalates into a fight or an argument where nobody is listening and everyone is shouting things they will regret later, then leave the room. Or the house. You have time to continue the conversation at a different time when nobody is yelling. There are no deadlines. You have the rest of your life to keep working on this relationship. And you are free to stop working on it and go your separate ways at any time also. So there is no need to try to make any decisions when either one of your heads are exploding.
posted
When I said that I think it takes two, I did NOT mean to imply that I felt responsible for his actions. He made the choices he made all by himself, just like he chose to marry a woman who already had a child, and then accept responsibility for that child. He chose to father another child, and he chose to father another. I did not force him to marry me. I did not get pregnant to "trap him" into a marriage. I didn't neglect him, or force him into the arms of another woman.
Instead, I meant that I feel partly responsible for allowing things to get this far out of hand. I knew there were problems, and I didn't force him to talk to me. I didn't tell him what I needed or wanted; instead, I got angry when he didn't already know. I didn't actively seek counseling until our marriage was already falling apart. (and, for the record, we still haven't been there together yet.) Instead of being the calm, confident woman he'd have liked to confide in, I was the petulant, spoiled child he had to spend his time defending himself to. I didn't try very hard to integrate myself into any of his leisure activities, and, in my own defense, every time I tried, I was solidly rejected.
I've already told you I don't have many friends. The reality is, I don't have any. There is not a single person outside of Hatrack (besides my husband, of course) that knows any of this, because I don't feel close enough to, or safe enough with, anybody else to confide in them. "He is my only friend, and now I don't think we're even that anymore." I'm afraid I haven't been much of a friend to him, and now we're paying the consequences.
That's all I feel like posting for now...other than a brief announcement: I got a part-time job today. The pay sucks, I'll be on my feet all day, and I'll have to actually put on makeup , but at least I'll be able to afford the counselor and self-help books. So now, off I go to make dinner for me and the kids.
Again, I love you all bunches and gobs!
[edit to add: no, I don't think that if I change, it will fix everything. But, I do know that what we were together hasn't worked. Everything needs to change-not just him, but some of my own attitudes and actions as well. I'm working on that, and waiting to see what he does. Hopefully, between the two of us, we can make it work. If not, at least I'll know I've tried as hard as I can.]
Gah, I swear I have never been in any situation similar to yours, but I feel really sympathetic. I heard once that if a man won't stop what he's doing, a threat of divorce might scare him into it. Unfortunately, often by that point, the wife is fed up. I just remember my dad's philandering ways, which he engaged in for at least four years, that came to a screeching halt when mom said she wanted a divorce. It was too late for her, though.
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, but at least I'll be able to afford the counselor and self-help books. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
So now, off I go to make dinner for me and the kids. 
