quote: “Have you ever seen such a pretty flower?”, Hank asked, stooping over, peering nearsightedly at the delicate, iridescent blossoms dotting the creeper. Edith hadn’t, but she didn’t much care. She’d never been much of a flower person really, and besides, her hip was acting up again, and she was mostly interested in getting back inside, into the cool of their little house.
“Hank, you can come back out here later if you want, but right now I need to get off my feet.”
“Okay, we’ll go in. Just hang on a sec.” Hank fished in his pocket, drew out his pocket knife, and cut off a length of the creeper.
As they walked the quarter mile back up to the house, Hank turned the length of vine over and over in his hands, marveling at the way the flowers changed color as the light hit them from different angles. One moment they’d be a dull grey, just as forgettable a color as a person could imagine, and then they’d shimmer into vibrant life, a breathtaking metallic blue that would bleed into green, then red, as Hank slowly twirled the vine. Even Edith had to admit that it was nice.
“It’s kind of like them butterflies we saw at that exhibit down in Dallas a few years back, isn’t it” She said, remembering how amazing they’d looked, pinned to the back of the cases that lined the walls, until she happened to glance up at one while she was tying her shoe, startled to find it a drab, papery brown.
“Yep, just like ‘em. You know, I don’t know if I’ve ever heard of flowers like these. I’ll have to look it up.”
At home, Edith settled heavily into her chair and switched on the TV. Her physical therapist had said that she was ready to start taking walks again, but the dull ache in her hip suggested that they’d overdone it a bit today. Hank would have to go out by himself tomorrow, she thought.
She could hear him puttering around in the kitchen, filling the tea kettle, getting their mugs out of the cabinet. He was a good man, Hank. Most men, they’d have expected her to make the tea, expected her to bring it to them, expected her to do everything. Not Hank. He’d been real good about taking care of his share of things around the house ever since he’d retired, and since she’d broken her hip that past November, he’d been almost too eager to help. She’d been pretty helpless there for awhile, but she was hardly an invalid now. Still, she thought as he walked carefully into the room, carrying their tea and the creeper, now in a vase of water, on a tray, on days like this it was nice.
As they waited for the tea to cool, Hank thumbed through his Illustrated Guide to the Flowering Plants of Kansas. “I don’t see it anyplace here.”
Saxon75: 61 Rivka: 58 ½ Sarcasticmuppet: 51 ½ Eslaine: 51 ½ Jeniwren: 40 Noemon: 39 ½ Christy: 35 Celia: 31 Ophelia: 29 Deirdre: 25 Advice for Robots: 25 Ryuko: 20 Teshi: 18 Morbo: 17 ½ Caleb: 16 Belle: 16 Mackillian: 15½ Irami: 15 Sopwith: 15 Annie: 13 Dan Raven 11 ½ Tom Davidson: 10 ½ Fugu: 10 Twinky: 10 Scott R: 8 Leonide: 8 Nick: 8 T Smith: 7 ½ Hobbes: 7 BannaOJ: 6 Katharina: 6 Jon Boy: 5 Human 4½ esl: 4 ½ Ethics Gradient: 4 ½ Enjeeo: 4 ½ Fitz: 3 Beren One Hand: 2 Jaiden: 2 Blacwolve: 2 GreNME: 2 Icarus: 2 Emperor Palpatine: 2 Tristan: 2 ClaudiaTherese: 2 Locke: 2 Brinestone: 1 Kayla 1½ Papa Moose: 1 Filetted: 1 Kwsni: 1 Pooka: ½ Punchdrunk: ½
Rules:
Five points for a correct guess with either rationale for the guess or a critique of the story Two points for any guess with a critique One point for any guess with a rationale -100 points for a guess with neither of the above.
posted
This is interesting. That flower must be some kind of alien, right? Overall, I like this. The characters are intriguing. It's a bit choppy, though. There are some comma and capitalization issues. And several run-on sentences that should become two or three sentences apiece.
I guess filleted.
[Edit: Since I ended up with the first post after dkw's, I'll put the 'Guessed' list here, and update it.]
posted
Definitely some comma issues, especially in the second half. Over all though it's not bad. I'm going to guess...Icarus.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
Yeah, there are some comma issues, but I think they're kind of minor. I think the characterization is excellent, and the prose flows very well. The exposition is woven into the scene very well, so that it doesn't drag. And the use of vernacular is good. It's present enough to color the characters, but subtle enough not to be obtrusive.
The one flaw I noticed is that there is a slight POV mixup in the fourth paragraph. The rest of the piece is told from Edith's point of view, but that paragraph seems to be from Hank's. Switching POV is OK, but I think that it shouldn't be done twice (Edith to Hank and back) in a piece this short.
posted
I'm almost positive the author is a woman. I'd guess she's between the ages of 20 and 40 (yeah, specific, eh?) because of the choice of an older couple as the characters. The slightly southern or small-town feel mixes weirdly with the sf/fantasy element, so it's someone who likes to intrigue or even possibly shock. However, this writer also likes the simple things in life.
My guess is mackillian.
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posted
Oh yeah, definetely has comma issues. But I like it a lot, it's very colloquial sounding. Very homey. It's a really great story. Very sweet to have the guy actually doing domestic things. I'll guess...Ophelia.
Posts: 59 | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
Hank fished in his pocket... Hank thumbed through his Illustrated Guide ...
I like these little touches in verb choice. Gives a nice feel to the piece.
Comma and run-on sentences are a problem in this sample, but since I am often guilty of those writing flaws myself, I will leave it to others to point them out or proffer corrections.
Like Brinestone, I suspect it is a woman author. Since pastors spend lots of time with the elderly and therefore could characterize them well, I'll guess dkw. I think she has had a piece in the contest, but she also said some could go twice.
Posts: 327 | Registered: Oct 2003
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quote: She’d never been much of a flower person really, and besides, her hip was acting up again, and she was mostly interested in getting back inside, into the cool of their little house.
into two sentences:
quote: She’d never been much of a flower person really. Besides, her hip was acting up again, and she was mostly interested in getting back inside, into the cool of their little house.
posted
DKW, you could do clown/tv wrong answer noises. Bzzzzt, wa-wa-waaah, etc. in accordance with your "ding ding ding" right answer.
I'm not sure if the author is trying to or not, but there is a definite callous feel to the old woman. It seems that you are struggling with her character, to show her pain but still show her as a good person. I don't like her, though, and I expect we're going to sympathize with her throughout the story.
I'm very intrigued by the flower/creeper
Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore! (sorry, couldn't resist)
posted
I'm going to guess Rivka. My rationale: she has been very active on this round, plus she played dumb when I asked her about it in AIM chat last night, refusing to even say if she had submitted a sample. She probably was just being coy to see me guess wrong. In which case, she got her wish.
quote: As they walked the quarter mile back up to the house, Hank turned the length of vine over and over in his hands, marveling at the way the flowers changed color as the light hit them from different angles.
I'd break up this one too, maybe like so:
quote: As they walked the quarter mile back up to the house, Hank turned the length of vine over and over in his hands. He marveled at the way the flowers changed color as the light hit them from different angles.
posted
Hmmm...I see what you're saying about a female author, although I'm not completely convinced. Does this remind anyone of the writing Kama did in her unusual 4 post landmark post detailing her grandparents' and parents' lives? You know, the one that plummeted off of page 1 for some strange reason, despite being a fascinating read? I'm guessing Kama.
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posted
I'm going to guess a younger author on this one, because these old people sound too hip when they talk. A younger author might not hear how youthful the dialogue sounds. Part of making this story really enjoyable will be to get those subtle nuances into the conversation that make them sound genuinely older and more experienced. They need to sound like they've lived together for decades and can almost read each other's mind.
I know this is just a snippet, but in a passage this long there should be more hints to the struggle. There's not much tension here. The dull/vibrant imagery of the flowers and the butterfly could be exploited much more, perhaps to relate to what one or both of them are facing. It's great that they like each other and that Hank is so helpful, but in order for the story to keep moving there has to be some kind of tension building.
I'd like to see more of the world around the pair, and not just what they're holding. A gentle story like this would benefit from good visual and other sensual imagery. Especially when the theme seems to be based on the dull/vibrant objects. You can get a lot more mileage out of that.
quote: “It’s kind of like them butterflies we saw at that exhibit down in Dallas a few years back, isn’t it” She said, remembering how amazing they’d looked, pinned to the back of the cases that lined the walls, until she happened to glance up at one while she was tying her shoe, startled to find it a drab, papery brown.
This paragraph confused me. Is Edith remembering a butterfly? Seeing it now? And if they are relevant because of their beautiful colors, why does she mostly remember the drab one?
I guess knwsi.
(Side note: dkw, did you receive my email?)
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
This could easily be a scene from All Flesh is Grass as far as content, except that Simak has a pretty set list of characters which the lady in this piece doens't fit. I mean that as praise, as I love his work, but I get bored of there only being 2 different women in all his stories.
I'll go with Noemon at the moment.
Posts: 3956 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
You know, I've been looking at my dialog, and the only part of it that looks to me like it could be perceived as being "youthful" is the use of the word "sec". Now, I've known elderly people who have used this word in place of second, but I understand that that sort of thing doesn't matter--if it feels false to the reader, it feels false to the reader, and that's all there is to it. Does the dialog seem youthful to others, or is that a minority opinion?
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I was pretty embarassed about the run on sentences. That really isn't like me; I'm not sure how it happened in that. In my defense, that was a first draft attempt.
I kind of enjoyed the general assumption that I was a young woman. I'm actually a 31 year old man.
posted
Oh, and the comment about thinking that I was a young woman wasn't directed at you Erik; it was just a general comment.
You know, it's funny. I get mistaken for a woman a lot. The funny part is that I'm not even remotely feminine. Nonetheless, when my wife and I are eating at a restaurant, it isn't all that unusual for the server to say "what can I get for you ladies...oh, um...I mean...I'm sorry. I'm really sorry." It doesn't bother me--actually I find it kind of funny. I don't quite get it though. I mean, when I had long hair I attributed it to that, but now my hair is short, and in a masculine style, complete with bald spot. And I have a goatee. And a masculine build.
Go figure.
I just thought it was interesting that that perception carried over into my writing too.
I wonder what it's all about?
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
Isn't that bizarre? At least, if you and I ever go out to eat together, the servers will understand that there are two people of different genders there. They'll just be a little confused as to which is which.
I've read that book, but it's been decades. I went on a Simak kick in about 1988 or so, but I haven't really read him since. At that point I was also on a Lester Del Ray and Cordwainer Smith kick, and it's been too long since I've read them too. I'm going to be going through all of my boxed up SF when I'm at my parents house of Thanksgiving though, so I'll have an opportunity to cart home quite a bit of rereading material. Of course, that means that I'll need to find a way to fit more books on my shelves.
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Overall, I like this. The characters are intriguing. It's a bit choppy, though. There are some comma and capitalization issues. And several run-on sentences that should become two or three sentences apiece.![[Laugh]](graemlins/laugh.gif)
at people who guess wrong, but that seems a bit unfriendly. ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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