posted
It's the only thing that seemed appropriate, plus I hate writing thread titles.
So here's the deal: I tried to kill myself yesterday.
That's right. Commit the ultimate sin.
I was really depressed yesterday, and when I was walking back from the Union, there was a car coming towards me...
Seemed like a good idea.
I took one step, and almost another, but something pushed me back, something wouldn't let me. A wall was in my way.
It's not the first time, either. The first time I thought about killing myself was in middle school. When I told my parents, they told me that suicide was 'the coward's way out'.
No counseling, no doctor's visit. Nothing. Maybe they thought I was being melodramatic.
The second time was in high school. I poured all those little orange Motrin pills into my hand, hoping they could stop the pain. I chickened out and threw them across the room.
When I got back to my dorm yesterday, Bernard and Raia were there for me (thank you so much, guys). I didn't tell Adriann because I didn't want her to know at that time. I later posted it in my lj, and she said if I killed myself, she'd kick my ass for eternity when she passed out of the mortal relm.
When I went to the doctor's office, I was scared but the doctor was nice (his name's Bernard too! lol). He said it sounded like I was suffering from deep depression from a lot of things (which I'm not going to go into right now), and that I needed to tell my friends about it.
So here I am. I know I've tried to do a stupid, stupid thing, but I'm getting help for it. I just really need support and suggestions and lots of hugs right now.
Thank you all for reading/listening/being there for me.
posted
*tries to think of something sensitive and supportive to say*
Here's the best I can do: Call a suicide hotline instead of posting on Hatrack. It sounds like you are in school, so it should not be difficult to find the number. There *might* be someone on Hatrack qualified to talk to you about what's going on, but it's guaranteed that someone at a suicide hotline will be qualified. Since this isn't something to mess with, please do this today. Right now.
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
Woah. Wow. *fierce hugs* I'm glad you're getting help. I'm very glad. Keep us posted. And yes, find a number to a suicide hotline to call. There is sure to be somewhere there who can help. Hatrack can sometimes, but it's not gaurunteed.
posted
*hugs* Well, for starters, there's good counselors on campus, that you can go see. If you like, I can find out where, and possibly which are best to see. they're free for the first three visits or something like that, and after that a sliding rate, depending on what you can afford.
honey, this is a disease, and needs treating. But it will end. And you know, you can always talk to me. It doesn't help much, but its something.
posted
jeniwren she *already* went to the doctor, and has been diagnosed with depression. So I think the instantaneous need of a suicide hotline may not be necessary anymore. She has alread found professional help.
On the other hand if you get to that point again, Mayday, you know the hotline is there.
*hugs* I've seen several people go through this before and have a little bit of personal experience. The hard thing to believe is that you *will* get better. But believing that is a good chunk of the battle. Though finding out which drugs are neccessary to balance your brain chemistry can be an interesting process.
posted
I know how that feels. I know I've sometimes thought things like: "What if I run my car into that cement divider?" and "Maybe I should take this razor blade I'm holding and slit my wrist". I've gone and gotten some of my mom's medication (she's got all kinds of interesting things) and sat there holding the bottle and thinking very hard. I'm so very glad there was a wall to hold you back. I'm so very proud of you for going to the doctor. Did he give you a referrel to go see a psychologist/psychiatrist/therapist/etc.? If he didn't, you need to call back and ask him to. Jeniwren's suggestion to call a suicide hotline is also another great idea. I'm so glad you have helpful supportive people there with you to help you, but you will need more than just their love and support to overcome this. You will need the help of medical professionals and/or counselors.
(((Mayday))) I really hope you can get the help that you need.
Posts: 5879 | Registered: Apr 2001
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posted
Mmmmmm.. depression. Sucks. Wish for death. Yup... been there. Strange, but for me it comes in waves... fine for a few weeks and terrible for another.
Obviously it was more pronounced in high school and college and nowadays I'm able to keep the beast at bay for months and months on end. Never been medicated, but sometimes I think I should be.
Why are you sad Mayday? Mine came, besides biochemical imbalance I'm sure, from being gay and dealing with all the crap that goes with it, failing at college during Junior (which was caused by depression to begin with), not knowing WHAT I wanted or what I would study and thus being paralyzed...
Nowadays I'm calm. Stuck in a stupid job and only my love for beauty and music justifiying my existance here...and my friends and family too. I think I realized that my real passion is for People. But I can't make money being a Humanist and a semi-good artist...and I won't get much respect for not making 100k a year...
Ahh... I don't want to care about material things or social climbing, but I can't seem to stop being torturedby it. Always worrying about it...
Well... anyway, since you shared your interior, I thought I should do the same. Cheers mate!
posted
My mother suffers from depression, and I'm afraid I'm seeing some of the symptoms in myself as I get older.
There are little things you can do. Seeking professional help is a great start. My advice is to shop around. I hated my first shrink and it took me a long time before I found someone who made a difference in my life. So if counseling doesn't go well at first, don't give up!
I also try to run 2-3 miles a day and always take a walk in the sun whenever I can spare five minutes. Of course, Hatrack helps me, but you already know that.
posted
AJ, a suicide hotline is for any stage of suicide, not just the "I have to talk to someone NOW" stage. And I would much MUCH rather see Mayday talk to someone qualified and familiar with suicide than post on Hatrack.
See, there's "gee, I'm having a sucky day and need sympathy" posts, and then there are "I'm thinking about committing homocide/suicide" posts. The first qualifies for sympathy. The second qualifies for professional help and IMO should not be laid on decent people who are neither qualified nor capable of helping in any substantial way.
I feel for Mayday, I really do, but think this is absolutely not the venue for seeking help with suicidal thoughts/actions.
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
I second Berens recommendations getting natural light and exercise. Even if you go on meds, they take a while to start working. And these activities will help them work better.
I still have feelings but I've learned they are just that and I don't have to do anything with them. That may sound like a shallow existence, but I figure it's like movies in the theater. You don't have to see them all just because they are there. The feeling that my life is a bad idea, that there is "Wild Wild West."
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
Dr. Atkinson is a therapist, and he gave me a lot of information about hotlines and such. I made an 'intellectualy promise' not to 'kill myself by purpose on accident', and if worse comes to worse, I'll call 911 to get some imediate help. I'm going to see him every week (he wants to go up to two weeks) to see what exactally I need to do to help me get better. This post is partly to let people know what's going on with me, so if I seem like I'm in trouble (since I ususally can't tell when I am), someone can slap me and stop me from doing something stupid. The other half is because I consider the people here my friends--no, make that my family--and I thought everyone deserved to know what's wrong with me.
I am getting help, though. I'm just going to need a lot of support while I get better.
Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
It sounds silly, but it helps to have a spiritual First Aid Kit on you at all times. My kit:
-picture of family, friends, and cat.
-list of top ten things I love about the world.
-list of top ten things I want to accomplish in life.
-favorite passage from a book. (Speaker for the Dead, when Val talks about the birth of each children instilling in her the emotions, if not the doctrines of faith).
posted
I'm not sure what to say. You are courageous for choosing life and for getting help. The advice others have given is very good. The only thing I have to add is that when you think things will never get better, remember the times when you were happy, and believe that you will be happy again. This has worked for me, somewhat. I hope your visits with the doctor go well.
Posts: 3546 | Registered: Jul 2002
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posted
I also highly recommend sunlight. The other day, I planted flowers in a pot outside our window. I was wearing flip flops and jeans, the sun was shining, my hands got dirty and smelled like earth and flowers, and it was just lovely knowing I was bringing something beautiful into my world. Some people don't like gardening, but it's so therapeutic for me.
Posts: 1903 | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
jeniren: she HAS gone to find help, that's why she's posting here, the therapist that she went to see said to tell her friends so they could give her support, and so she posted here. Satyagraha
Posts: 1986 | Registered: Apr 2001
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posted
As one who is suffering from depression himself, I wish there was something wise and profound I could say to help you Mayday. The problem is that I'm just starting to get the help I need to deal with it. I've actually just admitted to myself that I have a problem and need help.
Mayday, all I can offer is hugs. (((Mayday))) Take care of yourself.
Posts: 4569 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
Bernard, then I'd have much preferred that she simply said she was going through a rough time right now and could use some encouragement.
Using the Suicide card among decent, caring people is not unlike saying "Bomb" at the airport. You're certainly not going to be ignored. But it is hardly fair to the people who by their decency and caring feel compelled to do something. I don't mind giving my sympathy and support to someone having a tough time. I do mind being compelled to it under threat of death.
Basically, I have a problem with people posting "I tried to commit suicide" notes on Hatrack. I tried to get that across without making it about Mayday. It's not about her, it's about *anyone* who thinks that this is an appropriate venue to discuss that, except in a historical sense. But you can't say that without looking totally insensitive and uncaring. OTOH if I were insensitive and uncaring, I wouldn't *care* if she hurt herself. So there's this awful catch-22 that to tell the truth, I find myself angry over.
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
Jeniwren, I think everyone can see where you're coming from and I think that Mayday wasn't trying to use it in the context you reference, which she illustrated in a later post.
Hopefully we can all move off this topic or at least move it to another thread.
I'm not trying to say you're wrong or anyone was wrong. I think it was a case of misunderstanding and everyone is now on the same page and we all still like each other. Posts: 995 | Registered: May 2003
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Well, not on all points. I agree that it is important for Mayday to speak to a suicide hotline. However, I don't think that it is any more unfair/unreasonable to share this issue/concern than any OTHER serious issue that gets raised here. I'm sorry you feel manipulated -- and I can understand that, since I did once have a friend who deliberately used suicide threats manipulatively -- but I don't. ('Sok, luv ya anyway. )
Not that I think it's unreasonable to express your feelings. Not at all! But I'm gonna express mine too. Fair enough?
Mayday, I am SO GLAD that you are getting help! This is NOT something that you can handle without professional help. I think that talking with a suicide hotline when you AREN'T feeling like doing anything dangerous is a really good idea, and I hope you will.
posted
Mayday, I've been there myself -- and, like you, never actally progressed any farther than the thought stage. Years and years ago -- so long ago now that I can hardly remember it, to be honest -- I would lie in bed and think of interesting things to leave behind for my funeral.
On one hand, looking back, it's wryly amusing; you KNOW there's something wrong when you sympathize with Harold and Maude too strongly. But I think the important thing is that, as intriguing as the idea seems, it still scares you; you still recognize that, at heart, you don't WANT to die.
And so you live.
Sometimes you need help. There are legitimate chemical imbalances and legitimate mental disorders that really require professional assistance. In other cases, more "natural" approaches -- and I can't stress the importance of sunlight and exercise and getting outside enough, as these things produce all other kinds of benefits (like, for example, sleep, which my wife has been chanting in the background as I write this). I know this sounds trite, but you've got a good bunch of friends with you -- I've met some of them, and fondly remember meeting you -- and maybe it would be a good idea to just go outside and throw a frisbee around or fly kites or paint birdhouses or something.
Most importantly, though, remember that you made a decision: you DO want to live, even if death occasioanlly seems attractive. There are reasons. Heck, there were times when I could only come up with one: that, no matter how bad things got, the catch with suicide was that you couldn't ever change your mind about it afterwards. Regardless of what your reason is, it was enough to keep you from walking forward -- and you just need to remind yourself of that, as you work through this.
Best of luck. You're a lovely person, and Christy and I were extremely glad to make your acquaintance. We'd like to do it again someday. Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
Oh, Mayday, sweetie! <<<<<<<Mayday>>>>>>> I wish I'd known today when we talked on the phone. Call me whenever you need to talk. I'm here for you. I've been through this off and on for 25 years now. I know some tricks for fighting it.
My most important rules are the four pillars of good mental health: sleep regularly and well, eat right, exercise every day, get sunlight in the optic nerve (at least an hour every day). When I can manage all four of these things as a regular part of my life, then I will usually be fine no matter what might happen. Being in college, where you tend to miss a lot of sleep, and not eat quite so well as you should, can mess with your head. Then add the pressure of exams and projects due, and sad things happening with friends and at home, and you are in real trouble.
Take care of yourself and love yourself as you deserve, and remember how many others love you. Drink from the reasons that hold you alive. You are stronger than this. You can beat it.
Posts: 2843 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!
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posted
May - Lots of excellent things have already been said. Just know that it does get better and that I'll be thinking about you too.
Posts: 3495 | Registered: Feb 2000
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