posted
My mom and dad divorced when I was young, and Mom is getting ready to marry an okay guy. He wasn't a part of my life growing up. Apparently I said something stupid and I don't know what to do now. When she asked me how I would feel if she married the guy, I said, "It's not really my decision, but I wouldn't mind if he ended up being my step-father."
I think I wasn't supposed to use the word step-father, because she got all excited and thinks I want to call him by that title, when I really don't even know the guy. I thought that you referred to people married to your parents as "steps", but is that not always the case? She seems to have gotten the impression that I feel something parental for this guy, or something. I think I accidently backed myself into a corner....I really don't have anything in common with this guy.
What is the norm for adult children in this situation?
Posts: 6367 | Registered: Aug 2003
| IP: Logged |
Actually, I'd just call him by his first name in most situations, and call him your step-father when it is necessary to explain familial relations.
Added: When introducing my dad and my step-mom, I'll say "This is my dad and Nyla." When the situation arises, I'll call them collectively "my parents", but that still kind of squicks me out and it's been five years now. I don't really like it, but it's easier and makes my dad happy.
If it helps, my baby brother calls them "the parental figures."
posted
I think your mom is really looking for your approval. Just b/c you said he would be a step-father doesn't indicate that you'd see him as a parental figure. I would just tell your mom that you're happy for them and that you look forward to getting to know her soon-to-be husband better.
posted
PSIT, I am confused as to why she was upset. Did she think you would be calling him "Stepfather?" As in, "Thank you for passing the peas, Stepfather?" Or was it her OWN squickiness, thinking of the man she is seeing as being a parent figure for you?
I agree with th advice to call him by his first name.
Honestly, though, figure ot out NOW, before you gt in a weird rut like I did. We never had the what-do-I-call-you discussion with my husband's parets, and after fourteen years, I still avoind calling them anything! Sad, but true. I will literally walk into the room and place myself somewhere in front of them so I can just address them straight on, thus avoiding the "Hey Mom, would you mind making coffee?" moment.
Posts: 10890 | Registered: May 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
My mother married her third husband (she and my dad divorced when I was six, she remarried when I was 15 and he died 9 years later) when I was 28. I always just called him Philip and my kids called him Grandpa Phil. I had enough of "step-dads" with my mom's second husband. I don't think the label is appropriate for a person who you will never live with.
Posts: 2069 | Registered: May 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
When addressing any of my step-parents, I have always just called them by their first names. When referring to them, my step-dad has been my step-dad for a long time now. My most recent step-mom, though, was my dad's wife for most of the time they were married, and was only ever my step-mom after I finally got used to the fact that she was going to be around for a while. Ironically, she and my dad got divorced not too long after that.
Posts: 4534 | Registered: Jan 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Hmmm... My father married Rita when I was 15. But I never really lived with her.
I asked her what she wanted to be called and she said either "Mom" or "Rita". That she didn't like "Step-mom". (My Mom has passed away)
So-ooo... I usually call her Rita.
However, my little sister (step), soon after they married asked me why I didn't call Rita "Mom". She asked me if I didn't consider her and Rita family. After that I realized that it was very important to my little sis to call her "Mom" to help with family definitions, etc. So I try to when family is around. However, when it is just Rita and I or Rita, my father and I it's Rita. The name "Mom" will always belong to my mother...
posted
Maybe if I move in with my Dad and his wife, I could start calling her Mom. I am 34 and have a family of 5, so I think that would be a fair trade.
Of course, it took a few years for me and my husband to start referring to each other as "Mom" and "Dad" when we are around the kids. Otherwise they start calling us by our first names. That seemed like it would be exceedingly squicky when we were newlyweds.
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
For clarification: My mom was "excited" in a good way. She seemed glad I wanted to refer to him as my step-dad.
As far as calling him something to his face, I plan on calling him Greg. I just can't imagine introducing him to someone. "Step-dad" seems to infer a intimacy that doesn't exist, but "My mom's husband" seems so distant, like I'm holding him at an arm's length. It's not fair!
*runs to room and slams the door*
Posts: 6367 | Registered: Aug 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
I tried, for about an hour, after I got back to call my step-mother "Mom". My dad was thrilled, which is why I tried it. I couldn't keep it up - it simply wasn't true. The first name thing works fine.
posted
I'm of the opinion that you can't have too many parents, grandparents, aunts, siblings, or cousins. In fact, you can't have too much family in any relationship. Grandparents, particularly! What could be greater than having large numbers of grandparents?
If they try to exercise a control over you that is out of proportion to their actual standing in your life, then that's uncomfortable, but can be dealt with in other ways. You of course have to use care and patience in training your parents, and step parents are no exception. People in general seem to respond best to training that's affectionate rather than harsh. Calling family by whatever makes them happiest is a simple way to show affection that costs little effort but can reap great benefits both for you, and for them, and for your family life in general.
I can understand not wanting to depose an absent or dead parent from their role, but if you realize that all such relationships can be plural, then it doesn't feel like excluding them. Just like saying "he is my brother" doesn't reflect on any other brother you may have. All family relationships can be plural. This enhances them and does not take away from them.
Posts: 2843 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!
| IP: Logged |
posted
I very quickly got comfortable referring to my stepfather as "Dad", despite not liking him very much. I don't know if that's because I didn't like my real father either, or because I saw him much less often, or what.
On the other hand, I never got to know any of my stepmothers well enough to call them "Mom". (I have three, unless my father has divorced and remarried again...)
Posts: 1114 | Registered: Mar 2004
| IP: Logged |
I think...your safe. Your mother understands that he won't be a *parent* like her or your father, those two positions are normally reserved for biological parents. I think...she was honestly --and simply-- glad that you approved of her marriage, and didn't open distain him. I know many single parents are deathly afraid of their children not approving anybody that they decided to date. My father was so afraid that I wouldn't approve of anyone that he turned down every single person that even hand an inkling of a thought of some sort of relationship...I'm now seriously deathly afraid that he's going to die a lonely, lonely man. My mother on the other hand, was living with her boyfriend (who she cheated on my father with) before the divorce was final, married him and didn't tell me until at least six months later, and now I have a most beautiful (devilish) three year old half sister. While I question my mother's moral fiber...I treat her husband with all the respect that I treat any other adult, and I get the feeling that she and my father don't expect anything more than that. In conclusion, I think your mother understands what you meant, and was simply happy that you approved...to the fullest extent any child can. Satyagraha
Posts: 359 | Registered: Jun 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
Just make sure you keep your hunting knife and gun handy. And don't let no women tell ya what to do.
Posts: 145 | Registered: Jul 2001
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
When you figure it out, let me know.![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
