posted
My parents had been acting a little strangely for the past few days and I knew they were up to something unusual, but I couldn't really figure it out. Well, today they called us down into the dining room and told my younger brothers and I today that they are getting a divorce.
My youngest brother, DG, who turns 12 in a few days (some birthday surprise, no?), had a moment or very rare but complete innocence. My mother and father said that they would be moving into or livng in different homes soon and that they were going to a mediator in a few days to start settling things and arranging the important details. DG asked what they were going to a mediator for? "Does it begin with a D and end in an E?" He cried when he got the answer. ...Which honestly surprised me because we've all joked together about mom and dad getting a divorce before, how it should but won't ever happen, etc. I can't imagine how he's feeling right now, but I don't think he was ever really considering the possibility that, jokes aside, mom and dad really should and could divorce.
My other younger brother was just silent and buried his head down on the table for awhile. I guess both their reactions surprised me? Why be so upset about something that has been so long in the making?
It's strange for me, though, because at the moment I'm really not feeling anything too strongly. There's something there, but I can't quite put my finger on it. I'm relieved that it's finally over, that we can all finally move on, and I'm happy there won't be any more fighting or yelling, I'm happy that I'll get a chance to have a real home and a real family in my last year before I leave but... I'd never really thought before that holidays would never be the same again and that from sometime soon onward I'll have two places to live, etc. And who am I going to live with and for how long? Years ago there was no doubt in my mind that I'd go with my mother but... now, I really don't know. And, since I'm the oldest and nearly 18, I'm pretty sure I'll be given a choice and I'm not at all sure it's a choice I can or want to make.
Present feelings aside, I've been praying for them to divorce since the second grade. Their relationship was so unhealthy and the effects of that on my brothers and I have been far less than wonderful. I'm glad that the younger two will be able to have a normal home and a family for awhile. It may hurt, but a part of you dies when you live like we have for as long as we have. I hope their hearts learn to live in this new way.
As for me, I'm a little annoyed that it didn't happen sooner, when it wasn't too late to change things significantly for me. I'm leaving in a year and will be so tangled up in my school-work this year that I really won't be able to enjoy it all as much as I would have before. It will be good, though - ::smiles:: It will be nice to finally be able to come home.
posted
::nods:: I know. And the youngest one in particular has alwasy chosen to believe or pretend that everything was alright. I guess I'd just personally rather live an unpleasent truth than a lie, however comforting the latter may be.
Edit to say that it's both that and the fact that I really don't understand how it's even possible to pretend things were alright. I'm not saying I'm not sympathetic towards my brother or anything. Heck, I'm the one who got up to bring the littlest one tissues. I just don't quite understand personally. Objectively, sure. Personally, no.
posted
make sure that your parents include therapy for the entire family as part of this process. It's critical, especially for younger kids, to understand that it's not somehow their fault.
Posts: 262 | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
as a child of divorce (twice, actually) kids tend to blame themselves because they are not mature enough to understand the dynamics of the relationship between their parents. Therapy will help the boys with the transition (ideally) - and I raised my lil sister too, so I can understand to a degree where you're coming from. I think it's important to remember that this will affect you and them more deeply than you realize - and having a professional help all of you deal with these feelings is one safe way to get everything on the table and easier to deal with.
Posts: 262 | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
Even if the marriage was dysfunctional, it was/is the only family that the boys know, and that means a "change" is going into new and unchartered territory, which is quite frightening for children of divorce. People fear change, especially when it involves loved ones, and the fear of having to "choose", etc.
You are older and able to take a more objective realistic look at the situation, but they are still idealistic, and hoped it would all work out and be a great, normal family.
It is kind of like when some women stay in abusive relationships -- sometimes staying in is less frightening that what they imagine might happen if they leave -- sheer fear of the unknown.
Give your brothers hugs from me. I agree that some transitional counseling will really help them express and work through this.
I know we tried seeing a family counselor before but... ::shudders:: there were some bad/out-of-the-norm experiences (He only listened to the glossed-up version of my parents' problems from my father and the rest of us he would badger until we cried.)
I will bring it up, though. ... Just under the condition that we see someone else LOL.
That and both brothers just walked in and are smiling and argueing about their card collections again so they're good for now at least =). That and I gave the little one a hug and told him everything would be alright and got a hurt but smiling "M'hmm!" in return.
That and Scott, I will break down in my own way. Just not here and not now.
Posts: 1548 | Registered: Aug 2002
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posted
You know that song "Wonderful" by Everclear? I cry everytime I hear it. I know that none of your siblings is as young as the child portrayed in that song seems to be, but I wonder if it still describes a bit how they feel. Even when your parents are fighting and things are unhealthy, it still can hurt more when the parents split up.
Probably the younger you are the harder it is. You are old enough to feel more secure in your life and recognize that their being together was causing a lot of pain. I cannot be the judge if separating was better for them and all of you than staying together.
quote: That and both brothers just walked in and are smiling and argueing about their card collections again so they're good for now at least =). That and I gave the little one a hug and told him everything would be alright and got a hurt but smiling "M'hmm!" in return.
Unfortunately, this is how many boys deal with such deeply hurting issues as this one. Act tough, pretend everything is "OK" on the outside. They feel they are not allowed to show emotion.
posted
I know the focus of this thread is on your brothers, but I'm a little worried about you Pix.
A lot of times, the oldest child will bear the greatest burdens during a divorce. As the more mature one, you might not be able to express your negative feelings because you think you have to be strong for your siblings.
I'm impressed by how well you are handling this whole situation. But I hope you remember that just because you are 18 and the divorce was foreseeable dosen't mean you don't have a right to be resentful and angry
I guess this is a very long-winded way of saying (((((Pix))))) Posts: 4116 | Registered: Apr 2002
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I don't really know, beverly, but I hope it will be.
Very quietly pointed as ever, kat.
That and perhaps it will help clear things up to say that I basically decided at the end of last year that I wasn't going to let things at home have such a strong hold over me anymore. It's been incredibly hard, but I've tried to essentially cut myself off from all of "it" emotionally because I was no help to myself otherwise. 'Rarely actually works, but just the decision itself provided a bit of a cussion and I guess it's kicking in now, too.
posted
Pixie, I don't know what state you are in, but in many states, divorce courts REQUIRE counseling for the children, and there are court-appointed counselors and session they have you attend. Some are for the parents (education in how to help their children through the divorce) and others are for the kids. At least it is that way in Kansas.
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Pixie, you sound very together and wise. You are amazing to me. I know nothing about divorce, so the only words I can give you are that of comfort and the like.
*pulls Pixie in big hug*
Posts: 117 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
Heh. Pixie, when my mom died, I spent the next few years personally fine and passionately worried about my little brothers. It's okay to be a little broken about this, and it's okay to talk to somebody to try and make it better.
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You're right, Kat. It just makes me particularly sad the way that it is OK for girls to cry in our society but boys get more flack. That's all.
Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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I swear I'm not being contrary, but where is that? I guess I'm asking according to what society. At Hatrack, I don't see that pressure. If you mean church, the general authorities, my bishop, and the stake president cry all the time. If it's popular culture, well, popular culture also says that women are worthless after 35 and that in the course of true love people have to sleep together on the first date, so I think we can safely reject that as being lunatic off the bat.
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posted
Yeah, not to go too far off-topic, but I always try to encourage my closer guy-friends to just open up. Maybe not always to me, but to someone or at the very least with themselves. That and I think that it being a silly or saddening idea was beverly's point.
quote: If you mean church, the general authorities, my bishop, and the stake president cry all the time.
Certainly not LDS culture either.
I'm talking average American culture. In fact, I know for a fact that in the Philippines it is much more acceptable for a guy to show emotions! It is not considered weak there. But here, even if women like a sensitive guy, it is the other guys who will rib a boy mercilessly for crying. It is not "masculine" in this culture. Surely you have noticed this. In fact, while those same boys might tease a girl for crying, they might actually call her "girly". The same thing that they are calling the little boy who is crying.
I never claimed it was a good thing, kat. Never.
Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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That's what I'm saying - I haven't seen that. I haven't seen anyone call a boy "girly" for crying. I haven't seen any more pressure for boys to suck it up than for girls. I think there is a relief on the part of the general bystanders when hurt people of both genders pretend nothing at all is wrong.
Who is the larger American culture? I mean, from where, exactly, does boys crying=bad and girls crying=good appear? Because I don't see it. I think there's pressure to not wear emotions out in the open, but I don't think it is limited to boys. The pressure exists for both genders.
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You honestly have never noticed a general stoicism in males in comparison to females? Have you not noticed that women in general are more likely to shet a tear than a man? Or if so, do you believe it is "just hormones"? I can only say that I did notice a stark difference in culture between here and the Philippines. But I can't exactly back it up with statistics.
What has got it most recently into my mind is articles I read in parenting magazines about raising your kids to not fit gender stereotypes.
(Sorry for the tangent also. Maybe we should get a thread? )
quote:You know that song "Wonderful" by Everclear? I cry everytime I hear it. I know that none of your siblings is as young as the child portrayed in that song seems to be, but I wonder if it still describes a bit how they feel. Even when your parents are fighting and things are unhealthy, it still can hurt more when the parents split up.
That song came out right when my parents divorced, and I'd listen to it endlessly and bawl and I was 19. Once I played it for my Mom - I don't know why I did - and made her cry as well. I also like "Family Portrait" by Pink. I put both of those songs on a CD and listened to them endlessly for some weird, self-justificating reason.
For a couple years afterwards, I didn't want to talk about it. Ever. With anyone.
I think I've grown a lot and gotten over it, but I'm still mad at my Dad. There aren't any easy answers, but don't feel rushed into fixing feelings that will take years to fix. Don't let anyone tell you how or how not to feel. Talk to someone if you feel like talking to someone, but if you don't feel like it, you don't have to, no matter how much coaxing people put you through.
I've got lots of hugs and love for you and your brothers. All my best wishes for all of you.
Posts: 8504 | Registered: Aug 1999
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quote: I'm happy that I'll get a chance to have a real home and a real family in my last year before I leave but...
There will be a lot of grieving work to be done, which ever parent you go to live with. My parents separated the first time when I was 14. They were back together the next year, then apart, then together until I was 20. Each time they reconciled, my heart broke for my mom. Each time they broke up, I hoped that was "it".
Still, I did have a realization at the end of my 17th year that having a parent isn't so bad and I wanted to relish my last year of childhood. That is a good idea. But not more so because it will be a single parent home.
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I'm sort of in the same situation as you - my parents separated a year ago, and the messy divorce stuff is still coming through.
In a way it's easier for me, as I'm the eldest (22) and not living at home - but my 15 year old brother and 8 year old sister are. And it's really, really tough being the strong one. I have found myself slipping more into a "Mum" role, especially when my mother was really screwed up because of all the issues that were unfolding (Dad moving in with the mistress, Dad taking said mistress to family Christmas, selling the family house and so on).
Be prepared that your brothers may look up to you as a bit of stability. And be prepared to be able to offer that to them as best as you are able. And then find a really good friend, go out with them and vent and complain and whinge all you like. It is imperative that the friend just lets you blow off steam, because you're going to have to.
The only other thing I'd say is as the oldest, try not to get caught in the middle. This has happened to me to a degree - both my parents have confided things in me that I really wish they hadn't, but at the time I was so emotionally screwed up I didn't think to ask them not to.
((((Pixie))) It's going to be hard, but I have no doubts you'll make it through. If you do want to talk about it, feel free to email me (in profile). Otherwise, just remember to tak etime out to look after yourself. Be selfish sometimes. It may be necessary. Posts: 4393 | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
My parents were divorced when I was six, which seems a bit young to remember, but I do quite vividly. Growing up with it I realized that the divorce itself usually is how you describe it Pixie, a bit of a relief because the fighting is over at last. What hurts most for kids are the consequences, and it's up to parents to try to minimize them. I remember them well.
At first you miss your parent. Simply because you can't live with both of them you'll see one much less than you used to. Also parents sometimes try to pressure you into 'choosing' them, and no child of any age should be asked to do this. It is the worst emotional torment imaginable.
Second is moving. Even if the house you live in now isn't sold kids will still have to scuttle back and forth between one parent and another. This often makes them feel a bit like homeless waifs without a secure place of their own. At your brothers' age it often leads them to seek security in places where they shouldn't in gangs or groups of friends where they run into other problems.
The third significant pitfall in divorces is well after the fact, dating. When parents begin to search for new mates things get tough. Often kids feel neglected even if parents are careful and personality clashes are often inevitable. If the other person also have kids it makes things even more difficult. Sometimes children even feel like they're being replaced, particularly if the non-custodial parent has a friend who is a custodial parent move in. It compounds with missing your parents and knowing that these other kids get to see them all the time.
I'm sorry that you have to go through this, that anyone has to, but as you say it's probably for the better, and I'm glad that you're accepting it so well. It sounds like you'd accepted it years ago as inevitable and that's why you don't feel it too keenly now. I hope that you continue to comfort your brothers as well, it sounds like they need you. I know as an older sibling how it feels to want to protect them, but it's tough. You should help them as you much as you can, but remember there's only so much you can do for them. A lot will be left up to your parents to help minimize the trauma. You can help best as you by talking with them as understandingly as you can and showing them that you love them no matter what, which can of course be tough with boys that age, but it pays off in the end.
I wish you good luck with this and hope that everything goes smoothly without too much squabbling by your parents and I hope that you aren't drug into the middle of it and asked to choose sides.
Posts: 349 | Registered: May 2003
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quote: I'm glad that the younger two will be able to have a normal home and a family for awhile...I'm leaving in a year and will be so tangled up in my school-work this year that I really won't be able to enjoy it all as much as I would have before. It will be good, though - ::smiles:: It will be nice to finally be able to come home.
And yet you are confused even by trying to decide who to live with, how long to stay at each place, how the holidays will be from now on.
I'm not trying to be harsh, but maybe you could view your brothers' hurt and sadness with a little more understanding if you set aside this warm, fuzzy picture you have for a minute in order to see the reality you are only hinting at right now. A home normal in what sense? Enjoy all of what? Come home to where, who?
Your brothers are young and probably confused and hurt. For that matter so are you. Even if this is absolutely the right decision for your parents to make, the right decision isn't always the happy one, or the easy one. You're right, break down in your own way and time...but does that answer mean you already know you're pretending? You do realise that even if you have prayed for this since second grade, you are still allowed to be disappointed that it was necessary, right? That you can feel sad that they are splitting up instead of working our their problems; that you can simply be sad, or angry or confused or relieved and that any of those feelings is okay? Be strong (your brothers will need that) but strong and stoic are not the same thing. You might have to gather the courage to let yourself or your brothers feel whatever you or they need to.
My parents are at that mediation now. I'm upstairs talking about it online, the boys are downstairs playing. ...I wonder if they realize that right now our parents are starting to decide things about our future that we have no control over... I wonder if they both realized it yesterday and that I'm the one who was slow to catch on??
That and, enjeeo, I said it earlier in here somewhere but there's such a thing as understanding something something objectively but not personally - meaning that I understand it for them, but I can't imagine feeling that way or at least handling it all that way myself. As for allowing myself to feel what I'm feeling, it doesn't seem all that safe in here right now so I'm waiting to talk with someone I care about who cares about me and who I know will just listen to me and prompt me to go on until it's all been said. Sometimes all you need is someone to be there with you through things.
That and I was going to thank you all for your concern, advice, and kind words by name but I realized there were too many names in here for me to remember soo... Thank you all .
Posts: 1548 | Registered: Aug 2002
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posted
I missed this thread yesterday. Just poking my head in to give Pixie a hug. (((Pixie))).
My parents divorced (finally) when I was in my early twenties. They should have divorced when I was 14, if not before. Though I can't know the specifics of your situation, I do know where you are coming from. (((Pixie)))
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