posted
Insist that "that movie where Burt Reynolds has to squeel like a pig" is called The Mechanic
Depsite all evidence to the contrary, just keep insisting that this is true. And that Ned Beatty wasn't in the movie at all.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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posted
The team leader at my work controls conversations by emitting a low-pitched sound from his mouth before he starts speaking. It's like an AM radio station bringing up its carrier wave before modulating. If he has to pause for a breath, he'll leave the carrier wave on to prevent other people from breaking in. It's especially annoying when someone else is talking, and this guy starts humming.
Posts: 2655 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
skillery, that's hilarious. I think you should stop the meeting and start looking around and say to the others "do you hear that noise?" "What is that?" "I think there's some sort of wiring problem in the lights or something."
Every time you hear the hum, do this.
Never let on that you think it is this person.
Even when he/she admits it.
Just say "no, that wasn't it. Man! This is really bugging me!"
posted
I think everyone in the meeting should develop their own personal pre-talk sounds. You could have cricket chirps, bird calls, buzzes.
Posts: 10890 | Registered: May 2003
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lol bob. I am just picturing the amusment that would result from using your plan
btw, has anyone heard of the 'life's little destruction book' it is a take off of that instruction book about how to live life in a good way...but this one tells you how to be really annoying (ie: do your taxes in roman numerals)
Being annoying is one of the talents I was born with. I manage to do it without even trying.
For instance:
At a previous workplace, a committee was formed to study ways to reduce paperwork in our agency.
After months of meeting together, they gave a report at a staff meeting. After their months of meetings about how to reduce paperwork, what they had was...
A 5-page questionnaire they wanted us to fill out.
I laughed - involuntarily and loudly.
I was the only one. Cold hard stares all around the table.
It made it worse - I probably turned purple trying to stifle the laugh.
Who would have known I was the only person to see humor in the situation?
Managed to irritate just about everyone that day.
(I don't go to many staff meetings these days)
Posts: 4344 | Registered: Mar 2003
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Some Methodist moron's idea of being annoying is really working. He enjoys going to church on Sundays. However, this seems to be too much for him to do on his own, so he brings his dog. But, the dog can't go in the church, so he leaves the dog in his car, with the windows rolled down. And he parks his car right next to my wonderful porch. Now, this wouldn't be so bad if the dog wasn't a foot long yapping machine. I just want to sit on my damned porch.
Last week, as retribution, I mowed my lawn during services and they had to close the doors.
Posts: 9871 | Registered: Aug 2001
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It is not my dog. It is the dog of a guy I know, a guy that advertised church activities as a good place to find someone to make out with, a guy who vocally disparaged a new girl, a guy who refused to go on a rafting trip because he hadn't worked out that week so his muscles weren't as whatever as they should be, a guy who brags constantly about his car that he can't afford, a guy who brags constantly about conquering the world and wasn't accepted into law school, a guy who makes everything a popularity contest deliberately and brags about the results, and this guy wears his ballcap backwards and gives his dog an appellation derived from Mexican slang for a gangbanger and tells me I need to expand my horizons when I don't know what it means.
I don't even have to control the eye rolling because he's not listening anyway, but I would not believe he was real if I couldn't see for myself. I don't have to work with him anymore, so it's mostly amusement. And really, it's sad. I have a friend here who is simply beautiful, and she didn't want to date him. This guy brought a girl to church he'd met that week, and literally called my friend afterward to make sure this girl had been seen, and said, "See. I can get beautiful girls." I can't make this up. There's a remarkable lack of self-awareness that must be seen to be believed.
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I was fighting with my ex-business partner when I was getting ready to leave the company over a non-dilution clause in the stock sales contract. Essentially, this meant that he could issue stock options that would take my remaining shares from 25% to practically nothing. His answer was, "We're not going to screw you, so you don't need that clause." However, before I left, I still owned 50% and had exactly as much power as he did.
He got pretty offensive, and the talks broke down. I called the CEO and told him not to send a binding offer to the new candidate for CTO, since it looked like I might be staying after all.
20 minutes later my partner calls back, demanding to know what's going on. I told him my leaving was always contingent on an acceptable deal that protected my interests. He said, "If you stick around, things are going to be different around here."
I said, "You got that right" and hung up on him.
We had the basics of the deal hammered out about 3 days later, although it took another month to finalize.
Dagonee's hostile negotiating tactic 101 - always make it less annoying for them to give you what you want.
posted
Pull up to your local fast food drive through.
"I've got twelve seperate orders. The first is for a small fry. On the second one we just want a glass of water. Nothing on the third one. Or the fourth one. On the fifth one, could I get some ketchup? Wait, on the fourth order, could I add a salt packet? Oh, and a straw? Etc."
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
in the middle of your preachers sermon, stand up and yell "AMEN!" for no apparent reason. Make sure he's in the middle of a sentence, first.
Posts: 529 | Registered: Jul 2004
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When offered a communion wafer while attending mass, say "hold the mustard."
Yes, a resident Hatracker really did this, as a kid if I recall. This may very well be the funniest thing a Hatracker has ever done in real life. 10 points to the first person to provide this person's name.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
When pulled over by a policeman, get out of the car, walk up to his window, lean in and say,
"Officer have you been drinking?"
Or, if they get to you first do it from your window.
Or, if they ask you if you have been drinking respond thusly:
"No, have you?"
Or, say this to the officer whenever you get pulled over:
"Hey, wanna get a donut some time?"
I have only one of these, the one where you lean into his car and ask him if hes been drinking. It was the only time iv been pulled over, can;t wait to get oulled over again.
Posts: 148 | Registered: Aug 2004
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I got pulled over... HAMMERED was I. On yager. yummy. *barf*.. anyway. He comes up to the car and says "Sir, have you been drinking?" I say "Why? Is there a fat woman in my back seat?" I spent the night in jail.
Posts: 529 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
So, wait, Drogo, you got out of your car unasked when pulled over by a cop, and you didn't end up pinned to the ground with a knee in your back? How did that happen?
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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Get up in the middle of fast and testimony meeting and offer a closing prayer. Then go sit back down and see what the bishopric does.
Posts: 5957 | Registered: Oct 2001
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HA HA HA HA My dad (a methodist preacher) asked some guy in the congregation to come pray. So he got up and told everyone to bow their heads... and close their eyes... He then proceeded out the door and went home. it was hilarious. We woulda been there till thursday is dad hadn't said 'Amen."
posted
Oh, he was pretty fat, so I was able to make it over to the window and pose the question before I got the knee.
Posts: 148 | Registered: Aug 2004
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quote:When pulled over by a policeman, get out of the car, walk up to his window, lean in and say,
That is NOT a good idea. I'll make bets he has called for backup as soon as he sees you exit your car TOWARD him. Most officers would interpret that as an agressive move.....
quote:Get up in the middle of fast and testimony meeting and offer a closing prayer. Then go sit back down and see what the bishopric does.
advice for robots made me laugh out loud. If it wasn't squicky and slightly discomforting, I'd deem him the SMH of the day.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
Yeah, I'm thinking that actually doing that would be a very, very bad move. I have to say, Drogo, I really have a fairly hard time believing that you did this.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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heh heh heh. I was out with three friends at HEB. T.C. - 20 and 4ft5 and like... 90 lbs Frank - 23 and 6ft and like 400 lbs Ronnie - 25 and 6ft5 and looks EXACTLY like a viking.
We're walking through this HEB and Ronnie sees a ham and IMMEDIATELY begins yelling out "I LIKE HAM!" to everyone he sees. We go out to the parking lot... he's stil doing it. we get in T.C.'s jeep and he's STILL doing it. We begin driving down the road and ronnie sees this white chevy and screams at the top of his lungs 'I LOVE HAM!" Lights appear on the top of the car and we're pulled over.. not twenty feet away from T.C.'s house. He thought we meant ham = pig = cop This cop comes up to the jeep, sees Ronnie and Frank... walks back to his car... calls for back up. So there we are... 20 feet from t.c.'s house... four cop cars... and we're all being frisked.... stoopid ronnie. lmao
Posts: 529 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
When the guy weighs about six hundred pounds you have time, if he doesn't wait till he comes to your window to ask. Plus I knew the guy.
Posts: 148 | Registered: Aug 2004
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My Dad had a gun pulled on him for getting out of the car once. His wallet was in his briefcase and he was going to get it out of the trunk so the officer wouldn't have to wait.
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This one is more for highschool students than anything else
At the end of a major exam.. say finals or the SAT or something... as sson as your done, stand up quickly, flail your arms in the air and yell "EUREKA!" as loud as you can.
Posts: 529 | Registered: Jul 2004
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When a telemarkerter calls your house. Answer and say "Hello?" "Is the head of the household home?" "Speaking" AND THAT IS ALL YOU SAY. Let them go through their entire speech and when they ask you another question. STAY QUIET... Time how long it takes them to hang up the phone. I once had a guy on for 4 minutes and 37 seconds.
Posts: 529 | Registered: Jul 2004
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If your a secretary and hafta answer the phone all day, work on your accents. For instance, one day... answer the phone while pretending to be an angry Frenchman/woman. Great fun for the whole family.
Posts: 529 | Registered: Jul 2004
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Another good thing to do with the long-distance telephone companies that call you is to say that you don't have a phone.
Never look people in the eye.
Repeat the last three words of everything you say.
Everything you say.
Fidget.
When stopped at an intersection, get out of car, look both ways, and fire a bullet into the air before proceeding.
Posts: 3056 | Registered: Jun 2001
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When in church, if the preacher EVER asks the congregation to pray silently while he prays silently as well... wait for about 3 seconds then whisper, loudly and audibly, "Skittles. Taste the rainbow."
Posts: 529 | Registered: Jul 2004
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Turgan...that is probably the funniest thing I've pretty much ever heard. I don't know if it fits in the annoying section. I suppose it does if you are self-righteous adult who frowns upon all attempts at the ridiculous.
Here be mine:
When at some sort of table this works particularily well. Look at some object on the table, say a jelly pack, then look up at some one's eyes at the table. Continue to do this brief glancing proceedure until either they ask you if you would like the jelly or they tell you to stop being annoying. *has worked wonders for me with my anti-vocal disposition*
Much like a previous posting, always insist that running is bad for your heart and therefore it is evil. It tires out the muscles, and your heart is your most worked and important muscle...and running is bad for your heart.
Posts: 15 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
If you're ever a designated driver for three or more hammered people, stop at every gas station you come to and make each of them pay top dollar. "Damn, Bill, the mileage on this thing SUCKS.' for added affect, drop them off at the wrong house.. preferably... their bosses. "WHERE THE HELL ARE MY FLAMINGOS???"
Posts: 529 | Registered: Jul 2004
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