posted
BMB - I was very kind to you. Now you are being a martyr.
There is always help, it's your willingness to find it. I will not be emotionally manipulated, but there are people on this board that will allow themselves to be. Out of courtesy for them, please do not jerk their strings.
you're right about it being a problem unsuitable for the board. I just didn't know what to do. (I still don't know. I'm too ashamed to tell anybody in real life about this.)
I'm a regular poster. I can't use my normal username because people, yourself included, know my real name.
posted
well, if you need someone to talk to feel free to email me at the address I have in my profile.. Especially since I am online all the time.. But, just don't let a bunch of plastic figures crumble you down... you are worth more than them after all... and come up with cool handles so that is neat.
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
You are a regular poster. Than I trust that you know that people here do care.
You don't know what to do. Understandable. Don't want to talk about this in real life? Again, understandable, and no one is saying that thats not normal. However, you need to realize that what was said, is what they, and I feel, is the best option for you.
posted
I did not realize you were a regular poster. While I still believe the details you included in your post were very inappropriate, the fact that you are a regular poster does alter some of my earlier post.
That being the case, I will at least give you the courtesy of explaining why I called you a martyr. You and I both know that, in this modern society which prides itself on striving for tolerance and understanding, there is no lack of therapists and councilors available for nearly every emotional problem. They are listed in the Yellow Pages, advertised in all mediums, and friends of friends invariably have names of people that have personally helped them. This isn't medieval Europe where, if you husband is nightly visiting sheep, you either beat him with a cast-iron frying pan or shut up and put up with the mystery viruses you both have caught. You have options.
Your lack of self-esteem does not root from your husband's problems, it is exacerbated by them. I would venture to say that your husbands problems are also exacerbated by your self-esteem issues. You are going to have to follow the stems of your issues and exterminate them at their roots. You do not feel as if you are unworthy of love because your husband looked up inappropriate material on the internet. I'd lay down money that you already felt unworthy of love, and you believe his proclivities are reaffirming this.
With few exceptions, all people are worthy of love and every person on the planet is worthy of their own love for themselves. For people to live, to truly live, it is vital that they have self-esteem. Period. Go get help, go get some.
While you are seeking help to build your self-esteem, you will invariably have to confront your husband. Depending on circumstance, level of repentence, and personal modifiers only you can know, you may either choose to be extremely understanding and also seek to help him, you can give him an ultimatum, or you can leave his sorry ass. These are your choices. Sitting back, letting it continue and using his bad habits as an excuse to feel worse about yourself is not one of them.
Pretty much everyone has hit a low point in their life. Everyone has knelt on their bathroom floor, naked, sobbing, begging whatever power in the universe they choose to just kill them and get it over with. Then they get up, they dry their eyes, and they get to work.
I am not unsympathetic to your problem. Believe me, if you've read my landmark post you know exactly how engaged I am trying to work out my own self-esteem issues. I do, however, object to your method of vomiting these issues on this forum and handing off to people your emotional woes without allowing them to provide solutions. If you don't let them feel good about helping you (which they cannot do if you continue to rebuff help), then you are simply sucking their emotional support from them without giving anything back, and that you do not have a right to do.
Despite my candid verbage, I truly hope all the best for you. Marriage, LIFE, is tough no matter what, and these problems may seem insurmountable. But, rest assured, they are not.
edit: This is Ralphie talking, not "Ralphie trying to be the voice of reason" - If he's beating you, then all bets are off. Leave his ass. ASAP.
posted
I'd like you to understand something. No one is offended (maybe thought of as innapropriate) by what was said, nor do we want you to leave.
Shit happened, and has been happening if I understand your edit, and now you have a responsibility to react to the situation- and again, I say this as a friend with no malice or looking down on you. How you choose to react should be and is your decision, since you are more aware of your life than anyone here is. We have given our advice to the best of our knowledge in caring that you, our friend, is helped and not hurt any more. Good luck and may peace be with you soon.
posted
Anti-Chris: Regarding your edit, you're right. I wasn't offended. I'm just disproportionately protective of Hatrack. Hatrack's greatest strength is its willingness to support people no matter what. I love that about this place. The problem is the "no matter what". If the board becomes a place where people feel it's okay to reveal extremely intimate and private details about their personal lives under the umbrella of needing support, it could become a very emotionally taxing place to be very fast.
posted
Thanks for the advice and esp. the rational thinking, guys. I wasn't thinking very rationally.
quote:Everyone has knelt on their bathroom floor, naked, sobbing, begging whatever power in the universe they choose to just kill them and get it over with.
Well, I wasn't naked, and it was the kitchen, but you nailed it in all other respects.
Thanks. I don't know what I will do, but I will think of something.
quote: I don't know what I will do, but I will think of something.
Yes, exactly. That's exactly the attitude you need.
An anonymous hotmail account is fairly easy to create. If you need a cheerleader, you are welcome to e-mail me. I don't always use kid-gloves, and I may not have the emotional support you need (if so, I will tell you), but if I have it, it's yours.
And I usually have it. Posts: 7600 | Registered: Jan 2001
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(I wanted to delete the thread as per my previous announcement, but when I changed the address for Black Market Beagles earlier in an attempt to invalidate the entire identity, this changed the password, and I don't have the new password. Oh, well.)
posted
Some people have a way of cutting right through all the junk and getting to the heart of the matter.
I love those kinds of people!
*cuts & pastes some of the therapeutic words in this thread to make mini inspiration sheet for my wallet*
Posts: 3771 | Registered: Sep 2002
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posted
I didn't read any of the now deleted thread, but I can attest to the fact that low self-esteem is a pernicious problem in its own right.
Here's what I went through: People loved her and she felt like she didn't deserve it. So she did things to mess it up. She became severely depressed and then it didn't matter what anyone did. The drugs helped, but without therapy to go along with it, there just wasn't any way for her to see she was a person worthy of love. Cycle starts all over again, but now with an anti-depressant in the mix.
Smarter and more patient people than I am might be able to help a friend or spouse through this. To me, it takes a really disinterested 3rd party who can be objective and not have to simultaneously advise and live through it.
Certain personality types can make it worse. Someone willing to take advantage of weaknesses in another human being would almost certainly love to be around people with low self-esteem. Easy targets -- it's always THEIR fault no matter what happens. You don't even have to convince them of that, they know it's their fault already.
I don't see a way around the need for real therapy to get over low self esteem.
My wish for ANYONE suffering from this is that they find whatever emotion or thought inside themselves that will get them started on the road to better health. Mental health. It's horrible to live with it, but it can be dealt with if you learn to watch for the signs of it in yourself, and the enabling behavior that other people heap on you.
posted
I haven't read any of the original thread either.
I can tell you, though, as a person who has a history of extremely low self-esteem, depression, adn all that other stuff, that if you want to change your life, and you work at it, you will. Find a decent professional who you trust, and start working with him/her. I've learned that the methods used mattered a whole lot less than the relationship I had with the professional. If I trusted her, then it would work - that was pretty much all that was required. And follow through. Do it no matter how ugly it gets, and it does get ugly sometimes.
And most importantly, remember that it does get better - much, much better than you can possibly imagine right now. You can reach the point where you're no longer depressed - at all - or no longer loath yourself - at all - or no longer feel unworthy - at all. You can reach the point where you love yourself and are finally beginning to understand your true worth.
It's hard work. But it's so worth it.
Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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