posted
My friend comes from a very strict Punjabi Indian family. Recently, her parents found her LiveJournal, from which they found out: -she's bi -she has a boyfriend and he's a white guy -various disrespectful thoughts she's had over the years -and other stuff Upon finding this, her father threw her across the room and began beating her.
They've locked her in her room. They will not let her have access to any means of communication. We're talking seriously Dursley-ish isolation stuff here. She's only allowed outside a bit now because she tried to jump from a window to get out.
They want to ship her back to India, where her mom is already. They are a lot less unhampered by law there. We don't know what to do. Several of us have spoken to our parents and are offering spare rooms for her to live in. But she is not being treated well and we want to get her out.
Normally when she's been beaten, her parents keep her home for a while, but this time they're letting her at least go to school. She still has some bruises, thoguh they're hidden by her clothes.
What do we do? I don't think she's going to be safe in India. How do we help her?
posted
It is obvious that her parents need to be reported for child abuse, how old is she? Can she apply for emancipation? I suggest you just go beat the hell out of her father in the short run, I did it for my first wife's father who thought he could beat her after we started dating. But if there is evidence then you simply go to any competent medical person and she will be taken into custody. It is a criminal matter once she declares the abuse and her father will no doubt either wash his hands of her or tip his hand more violently and end up in jail or sent back to India.
She must be ready to stand up for herself at some point though or all is lost.
Posts: 117 | Registered: Nov 2004
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posted
She's sixteen, going on seventeen. My friend Haley wants to call police on them. I'm hoping for opportunities for escape at the airport.
What we'd really like is emancipation, yes. I think if she plays her bisexuality card for all it's worth, she may be able to find a publicity-hungry lawyer who will therefore work cheap.
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posted
Stop reaching for gimmicks. Just do what needs to be done, which is getting her to report it to the police. Things will happen from there.
Posts: 15770 | Registered: Dec 2001
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Emancipation is a long process. If she's going through what you say right now and is in that much physical danger, then there needs to be action now, not later. Don't screw around. Child abuse is serious.
Posts: 14745 | Registered: Dec 1999
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posted
No need, a seventeen year old girl just needs a job and a place to live in most places, but do not count on running away at the airport, that is silly dramatic crap. Just alert the authorities, beating or spanking a sixteen year old girl will fall clearly under assault and sexual assault and battery. Hard to hit a girl in a non sexual area. Call the authorities, do it before you reply to this post again. They will extract her and she will have some room to take action in.
If you fail to act you will wave goodbye to her and have nothing but your own hesitation to blame it on.
Is she a citizen? I hope so or this turns into ice skating up hill very fast.
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posted
She could also speak to one of her teachers, who would be a mandatory reporter. If that teacher doesn't know what to do, then go to a guidance counselor, another teacher, or the principal.
Seriously, this might be the easiest route for her, especially if the bruises are visible. If you do it through the school (and they act appropriately), then you can deal with it while she is already out of her parent's direct custody and control.
[Edit: I would defer to mack's judgement and call the cops now. But if you & she are not willing to do this now -- and note that this route would be safest for her -- then by all means at least do it at school tomorrow.]
[ November 28, 2004, 03:52 PM: Message edited by: Sara Sasse ]
Posts: 2919 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
Tell her if she wants this to stop, she at the very least needs to speak to someone at the school right now. Or the cops. These people are on her side, and want to help.
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posted
Hm. Our school does not have a strong history of reporting this kind of thing. A girl came in last year with a black eye and a cigarette burn on her shoulder. She said she "fell down a flight of stairs". They called her parents, who affirmed the story, and left it at that.
Cops, therefore, would be best. We do not want to act without consultation; however, if she is not at school tomorrow we are acting immediately.
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posted
Look, it's called mandated reporting. If she says anything and the school doesn't call it in, then you call yourself and tell them what you see and that the school didn't call.
If you believe this girl in any danger tonight, then call.
Posts: 14745 | Registered: Dec 1999
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posted
He could be beating the gay out of her right now! I hope you can look yourself in the mirror when she is in the hospital tomorrow talking about a bad fall because her spirit is broken.
[ November 28, 2004, 04:05 PM: Message edited by: Jar Head ]
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posted
Her lodging of a complaint is also somewhat different than a young woman who denies that a complaint should be made. If she states it is not safe for her to go home and she has marks on her body (unfortunately, this makes things more clear), then the school authorities must step up to the plate. If they don't, then you can involve the police or she can go to any ER.
Again, though, if she is at risk tonight, then the police should be called now.
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posted
Sara wade in here for God sake, do not let them beat that girl tonight! You know Mac and I are right about this! There is serious misogyny at work here, very great potential for violence to this girl!
Posts: 117 | Registered: Nov 2004
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posted
Some of us managed to talk to her during her break at work today. She does not believe there is immediate danger and she wants to consult with us tomorrow. However, if she decides to say nothing, then we will act against that decision. If she is not at school tomorrow morning, we are as soon as we know she's not there calling her friend in college, who has Mondays off. She is ready and waiting for that call to call child services with adresses, info, et cetera. She is not in danger of being taken to India before the end of December.
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posted
It very well may be a good thing to call the cops now, but I also think it would be best were she talked to about the decision first. If you think there's a likelihood she's being hurt tonight, call tonight, but it may also be okay to wait until you can talk to her tomorrow.
However, calling the cops now and explaining the story to them would be doing nothing wrong.
posted
If you call the cops now, they will go over and check on her now. If she does not have the guts to say, with her father standing right there, that he beat her and she wants to be removed, they will go away. Then you can be darn sure he will start beating her again, if he wasn't already.
Since someone talked to her today and she said she wants to talk about it at school tomorrow, it would be best to follow her wishes. If she was scared to go home tonight, then yeah, I'd be all for calling the police today. But it would probably be much easier for her to go to the school nurse tomorrow... I'd go to the nurse instead of a teacher or counselor, they are most likely to know what they have to do and do it.
I think it would probably be easiest to deal with if she were away from her parents and in a supportive environment before things come to a head. ElJay nailed it with the reasoning above.
(This is so sad to admit, but I was assuming most high schools don't have school nurses anymore, at least not on a regular basis. Perhaps my expectations are too low.)
Posts: 2919 | Registered: Aug 2004
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1.) How to prevent immediate physical harm to your friend.
2.) How to prevent your friend from being sent involuntarily to India.
The first requires a judgment call as to immediate danger, because calling the police could increase her danger, for reasons already described here. You need to make a judgment call - is she likely to be beaten tonight?
The second will require the help of child protective services and a lawyer. She should be assigned a lawyer or guardian ad litem once the abuse is reported (and SHE has to confirm the abuse - a denial will likely provide enough delay for them to get her out of the country). Formal proceedings should be enough to get an order preventing them from taking her out of the country, especially if she's a citizen. Emancipation or foster care for one year are possibilities; any parents of friends willing to take this on should be prepared to go through the system to do so.
If CPS doesn't give her a lawyer representing her interests (not the department's), then she needs to get one - this will require money and contacts to find someone who knows the system.
posted
I don't know enough about the PIO cards - I assume they don't jeopardize U.S. citizenship.
They do make it easier to get into India, so she may want to lose it. But NOT if doing so will endanger her. Probably best not to worry about this until she has reported the situation. She should make it clear to CPS that she fears being sent to another country.
posted
Not to be locking the barn door after the horses are stolen, but for any other younger members out there reading this who are in or have friends in similar situations, might I add a word about the utter foolishness about posting things publically on the internet that you don't want your parents to know about while you are living with said parents?
Particularly if you:
Come from a restrictive culture or family
Are doing the posting from a computer your parents have access to
Are using your real name or any identifying characteristics AT ALL
I don't care how strongly you feel the need to express yourself, or if all of your friends have LiveJournals going on, this is just dumb. I also don't care how technologically illiterate you think your parents are. If it is at all likely that they will hurt you if they find out the stuff you're posting, you can't take that chance. Find a way to get out of the house or keep your sexual orientation/activity/dating status to yourself until you can. I'm sorry if I'm being out of line here, but I think this is one of those things that seems obvious to someone with a little distance from the situation that someone closer might not think of. As a friend, it might be hard to say "Hey, maybe you shouldn't post that stuff while you're living at home, wouldn't your parents be upset if they saw it?" But it will be a lot harder trying to figure out if you should call the police on your friend's parents before they ship her to another part of the world or beat her senseless.
posted
ElJay, again you are right on the money. It isn't a matter of blaming the victim but rather trying to empower others in future sitations to protect themselves as best as possible. Nothing could justify what happened to her, of course.
So, Joldo, what happened? *fingers crossed
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posted
Whatever else happens, she should not get back on a plane to India.
They don't have social institutions set up to handle things like this - the authorities will be extremely reluctant to get involved and interfere with what they view as a family affair.
Other than that, seriously consider what other people have suggested - convince her to file a complaint with the police directly.
quote: Nothing could justify what happened to her, of course.
Exactly. I really didn't want it to sound like I think she deserved to be beaten. No one deserves something like that, and people who do it should be prosecuted fully. But if there are things you can do to avoid putting yourself in danger... I think it makes sense to do so.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
My friend Ozzi is from Pakistan had almost this same thing happen to her. She was engaged when she was a baby to some dude back in the homeland...well she's 25 now and her family wanted to ship her back home to marry him. Even at that age they still ruled her life in many ways. Well, she had a boyfriend here already who she wanted to marry... and of course her parents would have none of that... so she had to run away before they shipped her back. Or kill her. That happens once in a while here in the Dearborn area...bodies of young muslim women found in backyards.
It finally worked out in the end...and her parents were forced to accept her decision. But it was very tough for her...especially to stand up to her folks. I think her age helped... and I think, Joldo, that your friend's younger age might work against her.
I say call the authorities and ask them for info on what to do. You don't have to give them names or any info like that if you don't want to. See what they say. And if they won't do anything then bring a ladder and get her out of that house.
[ November 29, 2004, 04:30 PM: Message edited by: Telperion the Silver ]
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posted
She was at school today. Her father is still closely controlling her comings and goings. She insists she can handle it.
She says she can handle it. She wants to stay until graduation, because they want to send her to nursing school in India and she needs to graduate first. After graduation she plans to move in with our college friend.
Her brothers say they don't think she'll be shipped off, and they seem very protective of her now.
I am uncomfortable with the arrangement as of yet. I'm talking to her personally tomorrow to try to persuade her. I think she can probably move out now instead of waiting for graduation.
BTW, graduation this May.
Posts: 1735 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
No chance they won't try to ship her off before she's a legal adult? I suppose if her birthday isn't until half-way through the school year that's not likely. Oh well... she should be ready to move out on short notice, in case they plan on not telling her when they buy the ticket and just saying "okay, we're going to the airport now" one day. That would be the easiest way to get her to India if they suspect she will try to resist.
As long as she's got the guts to speak out at the airport, they won't be able to make her get on the plane. That could come down to saying at the ticket counter "Please help me, I'm a citizen, my dad beats me and is trying to send me to India against my will." Which would suck. Much better if she has an emancipation plan ready and moves out asap after graduation.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I wonder what the legal options are in a case of, if not outright abuse, then criminal neglect? If someone 15 or 16 years old is on the verge of suicide, for instance, and is neglected and verbally (at least) abused at home, and they want to get out, what can legally be done? Can they file for emanicipation at that age? (Say they lived in the state of NY, for instance.) Can they file for divorce from their custodial parent?
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posted
Given the upswing in airport security, all she has to do is refuse to get on the airplane.
They will not have a chance in hell of forcing her onboard.
Mind you, it would require her to actually speak up and speak out - given the mentality of battered and abused victims, that by itself can be a massive challenge.
posted
She's packed her bags. The shipping off would happen soon, normally. On Monday we'll have her out of their, contact child authorities immediately to forestall kidnapping charges, and see from there. I'll know if it goes off all right Monday night.
Posts: 1735 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
I assume she's packed a bag to leave with you on Monday. If that's the case, her family will probably notice that bag.
I have a strong feeling she won't be there on Monday to rescue--and if she doesn't have the guts to speak up at the airport, halfway to India already.
And if she's packed a bag because they already have tickets, I would expect an innocent Sunday drive will turn into a trip to the airport.
And isn't it at all possible that a father who would beat his daughter would also drug her to make her docile and compliant at the airport??
Am I simply an alarmist?? I really feel that waiting is a very dangerous thing. If the situation really is as you have presented it, and I have no reason to believe it isn't, then waiting until Monday is very unwise.
Why would they give her a heads-up about when she plans to leave??? And I don't know that I would trust her brothers to want to keep her in the country... perhaps they've bought into the family's culture and believe it would be best for her as well..
Just some things to think about...
-Katarain
Edit: from extremist to alarmist. that's the word I was looking for.
posted
Katarain, I don't think you're being paranoid - I think you're being realistic.
Going from child abuse to drugging children is not a long stretch at all. Not one bit. It would also be quite easy to do. Then we also have the honeymoon period after abuse - "Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that." and general sucking up. Which doesn't mean that's what he's doing. I mean that, assuming that this abuse is part of a pattern, the girl in question could be mistaken in believing that the worst is over if she's seen the honeymoon pattern before. Whereas he may still be in full anger and hasn't calmed down yet at all. Basically, what I'm saying is that she may not be reading any of the signals correctly when she thinks she may have more time.
Personally, I vote for the "get the hell out of there right now" strategy with no more delay tactics of any kind. But then, I have zero tolerance for abuse.
Good luck and let us know what happens. We'll be praying for her/sending good vibes into the universe.
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