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I don't know why I think it's a good idea to post this here, but I have an experience that keeps bothering me. Perhaps it's just that Hatrack's sounding board qualities are a little more therapeutic than a livejournal...But anyway. I guess I'll just start out by saying that I made a big mistake once. It wasn't something that destroyed anything in my life, it was something I did and didn't realize I'd made the mistake until it was too late to correct it. You see, right after I'd been home from my mission for a year, I asked a girl that I was interested in out. I had done that a lot, but I'd never had a second date with any of them before that time. We had an incredible time together on our first date, we didn't stop talking and almost every joke I told was timed perfectly, every time I wanted to make her laugh, she laughed. It was awesome. So I asked her out again. She agreed. We went out again, and the same thing happened. Then she asked me to help her get some party-favors for her roommate's birthday. We spent two hours walking around stores, talking, laughing, and having a good time. I asked her out again, and we had a blast. In fact, as I remember, that date was the best of them all. I remember it started raining while we were playing minigolf, and she just looked...beautiful. I don't think there is a phrase, word, or description that can really do justice to how beautiful she looked that day. I wanted to kiss her right there...but I didn't. I didn't know if she liked me enough to let me kiss her...So we kept talking and I asked her about a bracelet she was wearing. She explained how her first boyfriend had given it to her and told me about him and stuff. Then she told me she wasn't interested in getting a boyfriend, just having friends. Then she asked me what I thought. Now, I want to remind everyone that this was the first time I'd been out with a girl more than once, so I didn't know I was falling into a trap. I still wasn't sure about how she felt about me, mostly because I was stupid but also because I wasn't really sure what I wanted at the time, so for some reason I chose not to let her know then how much I enjoyed being with her. I kinda mumbled something about me being the same way and she told me that was good and that girls were all bad news. Then, even though I enjoyed being with her, I never asked her out again. We saw each other a lot more in class, but we never just spent time with each other again. Time passed and I finally realized my mistake. The only problem was that when I did so, she wasn't going to school at the time. So I just forgot about it. I went to visit her a couple more times after she did return to school here, but I just couldn't get myself to bring up the subject and try for a second chance. It almost seems that the time that has passed since the first time I went out with her has just made me feelings stronger towards her, and I've never been able to have as much of a connection with anyone as I had with her. Even now I want to go to her apartment and tell her how I feel...but I haven't kept in contact with her, so I don't know if the same thing has happened with her. In fact I'm sure I probably hurt her when I stopped asking her out. I appologized to her over email once, because I was too scared to do it in person. She never responded so I don't know if she even got it. But now, she's graduating in 2 weeks. I'm never going to see her again...And it's really bumming me out. So yeah...I had a lot of fun with her...I enjoyed being with her more than any other person ever. And I missed my chance because I just didn't know what I was doing...So yeah...Bittersweet...
Posts: 3003 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
What trap do you think she was setting for you? If I'm out with a woman and trying to figure out whether or not to kiss her and she says "I don't want a boyfriend right now," or "you're such a good friend," or something of that sort, I take it to mean that she [EDIT]isn't[/EDIT]interested. I'm not saying that this is what she was trying to communicate, necessarily--I wasn't there to observe the interaction. From your description of it, though, that's what it sounds like.
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Well, mostly it seemed like she was fishing for how I felt about her...She did seem kind of upset with me after 2 weeks of me not asking her out. I don't know. I probably am just fooling myself in thinking I had a chance.
Posts: 3003 | Registered: Oct 2004
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There is always another girl, turn your back and walk away, if you are going to find a solid relationship you cannot be distracted by this one that was never anything. Find a girl that gives you clear intellegible signals and you will be on solid ground.
If she wants to have a fling before she graduates by all means SCORE! But she is just going to move on anyway and you are still going to be left behind!
Posts: 117 | Registered: Nov 2004
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I agree with part of Jar Head's statement. It's time to move on, and don't poison future relationships with idealized notions of what this one that wasn't much of anything "might have been." Finding someone who you connect so well with that you actually understand her "signals" is not only possible, but certainly desirable whether its choosing someone to spend time with, or looking for a potential spouse.
In the meantime, I have to disagree about the SCORE! comment. If someone is looking for a person to share their life with, it's not about who can secure the most copulations. And having multiple sex partners "in the meantime" isn't really going to be a way to make that REAL relationship stronger, when it eventually does happen.
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If she was fishing for how you felt about her, she did it the wrong way. She simply can't communicate effectively or express herself in a way that's healthy and clear. So yeah, if that's what it was, then she's not worth it. Effective communication is necessary in any healthy relationship.
I wouldn't waste my time playing the what if game. It isn't worth your time. I'm with the others who say move on and find someone you can talk to without silly games.
Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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Hey, Boris, I'm going to disagree with these guys and say that you should at the very least tell her what you just told us: that you like her a lot, that you're sorry you dropped off the face of the Earth after she gave you the "let's be friends" brush-off, and that you're going to miss her terribly.
Worst-case scenario, since she's leaving in two weeks anyway, is that you have a moment of awkwardness. IMO, I think it's worth the risk.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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I think you need to talk to her before she leaves. You don't want to live your live wondering what could have been. If nothing else, this will give you closure.
Posts: 295 | Registered: Jul 2004
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Nothing wrong with doing that--I actually thought about suggesting it myself. I just wouldn't get my hopes up.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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I agree with Tom. Go over, tell her, and see what happens.
It's entirely possible she panicked and said the friend thing and has been kicking herself for saying it ever since. I've done that.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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Really kat? When I was dating, I always heard that as a pretty final statement, of the "I have no romantic interest in you whatsoever, but I feel bad hurting people's feelings, so please just take the hint and bow out now" variety.
If it had been me playing that miniature golf game, I probably would have kind of laughed and said "oh, I'm very definitely looking, but believe me I know what you mean," and set to work on getting over my interest in the person.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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Boris, I'm with Tom on this one: you should tell her, if it's only to get this off of your chest. "Some things just need to be said." It's true. And I also know the feeling you get when you know that you're probably never gonna see that person again... It's very, very sad, but there's not much you can do about it. It also complicates the situation - or simplifies it, depends on your view -, since I think there's little chance that she'd be interested in you knowing she's gonna leave soon.
As for the 'score' thing, don't do it. If you really like that girl it's better that you stay friends with her, talk through email or whatever, than to have a quick adventure that will likely make everything awkward between you two afterwards.
quote: It's entirely possible she panicked and said the friend thing and has been kicking herself for saying it ever since. I've done that.
Ouch... In my opinion, that's the worst tactics there is. I got burned a couple of times when I continued trying to get together with girls that said 'they just want to be friends', and I'm soooo not gonna do this the third time. If my mind would have worked only a little better, I wouldn't have done it even the second time! And if you DO that, then instead of kicking yourself afterwards, you should state what you really feel, not expect the other one to try again!
Posts: 4519 | Registered: Sep 2003
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Go ahead and try if you have to, sometimes you have to let a kid touch the hot stove to get them to learn...
Personally I recomend strip joints. They are great for creating perspective. Take lots of ones and at least two twenties! Go in a group that includes an attractive girl!
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It also complicates the situation - or simplifies it, depends on your view -, since I think there's little chance that she'd be interested in you knowing she's gonna leave soon.![[Grumble]](graemlins/grumble.gif)
And if you DO that, then instead of kicking yourself afterwards, you should state what you really feel, not expect the other one to try again!
