posted
It occured to me today after being particularly snippy with a very rude classmate that I probably don't always come off as the nicest of people...even if I usually have a good reason for snippiness. This led me to think about what my classmates probably thought of me...which led to this:
Everyone talks about other people. You do it; you must know others talk about you (yes, I mean you!) However, it doesn't follow that it's always (or even ever!) bad.
So, what would you most like to have people say about you behind your back? An epithet, as it were. (epigram? Those epi- words all confuse me.)
I think I would most like to have said of me, "She does not suffer fools gladly."
Posts: 4077 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
I decided once that talking about people behind their back denies their humanity. Not present to defend their statements or actions, they become an object rather than a subject.
I wish I could say I've since been successful in not talking about those who aren't present, but I keep having relapses. I still, however, hold to the principle and aspire to overcome what I see as one of my most vexing habits.
Posts: 8504 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
Annie--even when what you're saying is something good?
And do you think that there's a distinction between discussing the person and discussing their actions?
I'm not disagreeing that gossip can be a very nasty, dangerous thing. I'm just wondering if all discussion of a third party is gossip.
Posts: 4077 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
I HATE being talked about behind my back. I know it happens, and I know I do it (not with strangers or acquaintences, but my closest friends know just about everything), but I especially hate it when it is between mutual friends. It feels like such a betrayal. I try to keep it to this - no discussing the first party with the second party if the second party interacts with the first party. In other words, if I need to hash something out about you, it will be with someone you've never met and probably will never meet. That's only fair.
But if it must happen, I'd like it to be something like "She'd kill us if she knew we were talking about her, but I can't help it - she's absolutely wonderful."
posted
Sometimes even "positive" comments can be hurtful. Someone can totally misconstrue your actions and when it becomes the topic of discussion, it's out of the realistic realm in which you did it and into a world of conversational fiction.
I'm not saying that we eliminate all references to third parties out of our conversations - that's silly. But there's a difference between saying "Kat sent me the coolest Christmas present! She's such a sweetie!" and "Why do you think Kat likes such weird stuff... I don't know, maybe it has to do with her upbringing, you know I've always thought that she shows a particular disposition for..."
Posts: 8504 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
Hmm. I suppose I see your point, though I think it could be argued that even without discussion, someone's actions could still be misconstrued. It simply becomes a matter of the fiction being confined to one person's opinion.
Anyway, I didn't intend for this to be a serious thread...I meant for it to be more along the lines of the one-line description thread.
posted
Oh, right. Then I wish that people would say behind my back, "Hey - is it just me, or was that Shakira?"
Posts: 8504 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
We actually had a couple of verbal warnings go out after the big audit purely on hearsay. The auditor decided she didn't like a couple conversations she had with employees and without ever hearing our side of the story, the lady three bosses up from us demanded we be disciplined.
The problem with people who learn it's ok to discuss things if they "know" it's true is that they never learn to out grow the habit. And their employees will hate them.
Posts: 2283 | Registered: Dec 2003
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"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about." -Oscar Wilde
I really don't mind being talked about, provided it's not negative. All it is is evidence that you matter enough to be worth talking about.
Posts: 1810 | Registered: Jan 1999
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posted
I've always said, "watch out - she may be short, but she will slam you into a Coke machine."
As for talking about someone, I think Annie's distinction is well-made. I do draw a distinction between gossiping about someone and a "legitimate" conversation about someone.
As for what people say behind my back - I try to moderate my behavior in such a way that I know (more or less) what they would say about me.
And misconceptions are just a fact of life - it's possible that nasty person you just bumped into could be the nicest guy on earth who lost his mother, his girlfriend dumped him and his dog ran off and got squished...all in the space of two hours.
In some ways, talking about people behind their backs can help you develop a better understanding about that person if the person you're talking to has a different opinion.
quote:I've always said, "watch out - she may be short, but she will slam you into a Coke machine."
You realize, of course, that at some point, you're going to have to actually TELL people this story, instead of just making oblique references to it. Posts: 4077 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
Sometimes it is hard nto to though...not for gossips sake, but because something offended you or upset you and you either want or need to talk it over with someone.
If you feel angry or sad, or even happy, because of something that happend to you, why should you ahve to shut it up inside and not speak of it to your friends and/or family?
That is a whole different can of worms from bearing tales or gossiping about things that you weren't even there for or that didn't involve you, but the destinction isn't always clear cut.
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