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Back in the November 2003 Electronic Gaming Monthly , a group of children reviewed and played some old Atari 2600 classics, like ET, and the comments were hilarious. I wish I had a link to that article, but I do not. But here is the next best thing: the second review crew, and the comments are equally funny.
For those who grew up playing these games like I did, I hope you enjoy. Heck, I hope everybody enjoys this look at retro gaming!
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Here's a sample for the unbelievers from the classic game, Defender :
Parker: You're supposed to pick the people up.
Garret: Oh, those are people. No. I think you're supposed to shoot them. Those are aliens, I think.
Parker: You have to protect them from the aliens, which are these things.
Dillon: They look like Jellyfish from Spongebob.
Garret: Oh, so the aliens pick them up, and if they're carrying them, you have to kill the aliens and catch the people. [The player shoots the people.]
Parker: Or not.
Dillon: If you shoot them, then the aliens can't get them.
EGM: If you shoot all the people, the planet gets destroyed. Then the aliens take over.
Garret: Nice.
Bobby: If I was in it, I'd be like, "OK, aliens, if you give me 500 dollars you can destroy this planet."
Rachel: Only $500 dollars?
EGM: Do you feel badly shooting the humans? Parker: No, that's my only amusement in this game. If they were like more detailed, maybe I'd feel something. But it looks like I'm shooting a popcycle. EGM: Would you play this game again?
Garret: I would if I had a lot more time and could figure out the controls.
Dillon: I would if I had absolutely nothing else to do. [The screen erupts in flashes.]
Garret: Whoa! What just happened?
Parker: The Earth blew up. Remember?
Anthony: It's like everything just shattered. Oh, run. Run!
Parker: Oh, you don't have any smart bombs.
EGM: Do you know that in these types of games, people spend hours and hours trying to break world records.
Parker: Like that guy who beat Pac-Man? With the long beard?
Garret: Billy Mitchell.
EGM: What do you think of him?
Parker: He's a complete loser. Doesn't he have a mullet?
Garret: That's bad.
Dillon: What a freak.
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quote: Note: Everything written here was actually said by these kids. Really. The only change we made was to remove the more gratuitous usages of the word "gay".
quote: Tim: My line is so beating the heck out of your stupid line. Fear my pink line. You have no chance. I am the undisputed lord of virtual tennis. [Misses ball] Whoops.
quote: Tim: Oh, I'm starting to suck. John, you drained my skill.
John: Yes, I used a power-up.
Tim: What? There's no power-ups in Pong. The concept of a power-up hadn't been invented yet.
quote: EGM: Who's that chick Mario is rescuing up there?
Brian: It's Princess Peach.
Kirk: It's a hooker.
Niko: She looks cut in half.
Tim: Oh wow—she's one of those pole dancers.
quote: Tim: This is nothing compared to Grand Theft Auto III, because you can't steal a taxi cab, pick up somebody, then drive into the ocean with him.
Kirk: And you can't pick up an AK-47 and go kill—hey, those aliens on the top row, you use them in EGM for stuff.
EGM: Yeah, we use them to end our articles. They do kinda look like they're from Space Invaders, don't they?
Tim: They're going to sue you.
Kirk: I'm sure everyone who made this game is dead by now.
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I love these children. If I ever own a sweatshop, I will make all my underage employees play old-school arcade classics and only hire the ones who make the funniest comments.
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I, of course, can't follow the links. Damned draconian internet usage rules! Or rather, damned enforcement of draconian internet usage rules!
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Hey -- we just had a Galaga tournament at home last night. That is STILL a cool game (I used to claim high score on all the arcade version back when I was a freshmen in college)
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Noemon, you can find the articles at 1up.com. I am hoping you have found them already, as they are pee-in-the-pants funny HI-larious.
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posted
i'm laughing so hard i have tears coming out of my eyes... I love these kids!!!!! And oh do I miss my old 2600!!
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