posted
I was in a cafe earlier today looking for a good pastry and coffee, and behind me in line were two girls I knew from high school. One of them I had a huge crush on, and she's still stunningly beautiful.
I left high school five years ago to join a college jump-start program at the local school. At that time I was horribly shy and had never had a serious girlfriend. I didn't know how to talk to women, and had this firmly-held belief that they all secretly hated me or something.
Since then I've grown a lot--partly out of a concerted effort to do so. I try to be constantly improving myself, since I used to consider myself a neurotic mess. I've had a few very successful relationships (I've been with Gretchen for nearly two years now) and I've had a bunch of women friends in the last five years. I thought I could behave normally around women (they're humans too, right?), but when I saw those two women from my high school years, suddenly I was the same person I was five years ago. I got nervous, I started sweating. I wondered if they had recognized me, I hoped they hand't. I have long hair and a thin auburn beard, neither of which I had in high school, so I doubt they did. I wish they had, looking back.
Ugg, I feel so bad about it. I thought about how maybe I was still the same person, and my efforts had been for naught. Maybe high school was a more traumatic experience than I give it credit for.
Does anyone else have similar experiences? Any advice on how not to be a neurotic mess? Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
I run into people from high school every once in a while and I always go right back to feeling the way I used to when I was there. Now, granted, I've only been out of that nightmarish hole for a year and a half or so, but I changed a LOT once I got out of there. College did a lot of good things for me and I was able to become more of the person I want to be and less the geeky, shy nerd from high school. When I run into those people (my university is 40 minutes from my hometown, so it's frequently enough) I try to ignore them and remind myself I am great and don't have any reason to be self-conscious about who I am when I see them, because I do not have to stay in the little box they tried to shove me in.
Posts: 119 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
I graduated in '92. I have no desire to run into the vast majority of my high school classmates ever again in my life. Like, there are only 2 people out of my class of about 250 that I can think of off the top of my head that I wouldn't cross the street to avoid. And I'm not sure about one of them.
My goodness, I had no idea I was so bitter.
(If you add in the class above and below mine, I'd add another two or three to the list.)
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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Grade school in general was traumatic for me. Going to three different high schools didn't improve anything either.
Let's just say I'm not one of those people who looks back on high school with happy, warm-fuzzy nostalgia.
Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
Most of the time your old high school friends and acquaintainces are not out to judge you. I've never had a bad experience saying hi to someone I recognized from my past. Even the worst jerks have matured quite a bit by now (I'm 29).
Usually we exchange some pleasantries, ask about relationship status, bad mouth a teacher or two (sorry rivka ), and just generally bask in the serendipity of the moment.
Posts: 1592 | Registered: May 2000
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I think the most fear-inspiring thing about high school was when people said, "These are the best years of your life!" Posts: 119 | Registered: Oct 2004
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I know what you mean, Lisha. I'd sooner stab myself in the neck with a typhus-infected Bic ballpoint than go back to being 15. I guess that's what made my encounter earlier so painful.
I'm glad I'm not alone, though.
Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
Oh, I don't give a rat's-patootie if they're out to judge me now or not. They judged me enough while we were in high school, it makes it so I have zero interest in exchanging pleasantaries with them now. I don't care what their relationship or job status is now, and while I'm certainly not going to be rude, I'm not going to waste my time stopping to chat, either. *shrug*
posted
There are only a few people I would go out of my way for from back then, and I am joining classmates.com (or reunion.com) to find one of them next week.
Turns out he lives in Middletown, NY, not 3 hours from me now, which is great considering we went to school in MI.
Posts: 15082 | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
I feel compelled to point out that there are a pretty significant group of people who enjoyed high school. Hatrack doesn't seem to have a great many of these people, but that doesn't mean that they don't exist or that there are more of them than people with the apparently much more common Hatrack experience of not having dated well into your 20s.
Wheat, It's possible that you haven't grown from the person that you were in high school, but it's much more likely that you got hit with the domain effect. That high school world and the people in it don't seem to be a part of your continuing experience. Instead, it sounds like they are a pretty much static piece of your past. When two domains (here your somewhat undigested past and your current life) collide, it's common to feel a bit insecure. This can be especially pronounced when the interfering domain is one where you were insecure and that is largely unresolved. It can be pretty amazing to see how people change back into who they were in high school at a reunion or some such. Taking on this primed role can help people deal with this collision.
All in all, unless you're going to be running into people from high school often, it's not really something to worry about that much. You're you, who you are now, even if you can get flustered into acting sort of like you did then.
posted
I spent grades 6 through 10 in one particular horrible town in the middle of nowhere rural Alberta. I had no friends. I was the geek who never studied and still managed to pull off the highest marks. After I had knee surgery and walking around on crutches, a couple of guys in my glass intentionally tripped me. Well, let's just abbreviate the rest to say that a whole lot of them went out of their way to hurt me physically & emotionally, and I was not equipped to deal with it at the time.
Years later, for the ten year reunion, even though I didn't graduate with them, they sent me an invite stating they were inviting everyone who had ever gone to school with them. Small town - only something like 90 students in my grade. I sent them a letter telling them to take me off their mailing list and I would not attend - ever. I said I could not understand why they would even invite me given how much they obviously hated me then, and since I was so horribly treated, why would they even imagine that I would want to have anything to do with them now?
That was pretty much it. It was a brief letter - no more than a hundred words. I still feel like that was the right thing to do.
I later ran into one girl I went to school with - one who was horrible to me. She was all smiles and was happy to see me, wanted to catch up on things. I didn't get it. I still don't. Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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Mr. Squicky, what about those of us who hated high school but found romance in spite of that?
Quidscribis, what I don't understand are the kids who are cruel. I don't think I ever participated in that sort of behavior growing up and don't understand those who did. Having been the underdog for so many years, I can't comprehend kicking someone when they are down.
Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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High school, and just about everyone attached to it, become less and less significant with each passing year.
Yeah, right.
The memories are still very poignant. If there's any period of time that I could go back and do better, it would be high school. It was the proving ground for so many things. The big bummer is that everyone I graduated with went on to become a more or less boring adult. Posts: 5957 | Registered: Oct 2001
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posted
About a year ago I saw my tormentor from High-School (who was ironically my husband Rick's ex) when I worked as a teller for a Credit Union Service Center. I had just finished reading Odd Girl Out, by Rachel Simmons, and could so remember Christi doing so many of the things that book described.
When I saw her it was like a battle of wills all over again-I could almost visualize it as static in the air. She tried to pull her cutesy, 'I want to be your friend, lets get together sometime' act she'd always pull me in with, but when I didn't respond to it, she appeared to get uncomfortable.
This from the woman who tried to convince Rick to leave me when Rick came back to the states...now that's a plan that backfired-he married me instead.
No bitterness here folks...nope, not at all...
Posts: 701 | Registered: Jul 1999
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I have very few friends from High School (go Class of '98!) that I even keep tabs on anymore. Add to that that I just dropped one a week ago. I called her up (we were really good friends in HS) to say hi. She asks me why I called....WTF!?!?!?!?! She goes on to say how little I know about her anymore. I told her it was her fault, because every time I asked how she was doing and stuff she would be like "oh, not a whole lot." My other best friend and I are like brothers. Yeah, try to spit us up when we are hanging out. His girlfriend tried. His girlfriend failed. Him and I went through a lot together.
Other than that I was left alone most of HS except for the people that wanted answers to questions on their homework. Let me say it was a heck of a lot better than grade school.
BTW, except for the two mentioned above, I haven't seen anyone from my old high school in six or seven years. Most are too busy going to college thinking they are getting ready for the real world.....pooey. I found I can get an education and travel at the same time. It's not everyday you get paid to go to Hawaii and spend 4 days doing whatever you want. Posts: 2208 | Registered: Feb 2004
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I liked high school but I've changed a lot since. And when I do run into some of the 'cool' crowd (of which I was definately not part) I do start to feel a little insecure for a bit.
Then I find out they've dropped out of uni, taken up smoking and are working full-time in a dead end job and I feel slightly better. Wow, bitterness there too.
I don't keep in touch with anyone from my class. We keep up with some of Chet's old friends. They're so much more interesting than anyone I knew. He's got one friend who can only manage to date other men's girlfriends. He's now stepped up to another man's wife. There's the other friend who got a girlfriend who wants to get married, but he only wants to mod his car and smoke pot. Another guy comes back to town every six months so he can detox, but only so he can lower his tolerance. He doesn't like it when it costs too much to stay high.
The writer in me wants to see how the people I knew are doing now. Have they matured? Have they managed to discover anything about the world beyond themselves? I was in advanced classes, so I really only knew twenty people. Four years with that small a group, you get to know their general attitudes about life fairly well.
If I'm lucky, there'll be some great stories there I can turn into a best selling novel. Hey, I can dream.
And because this post makes me sound like a self absorbed jerk - I care about people. I just don't care about these people.
Posts: 2283 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
It's a pretty common reaction, WheatPuppet. I think Mr. Squicky gave a helpful line of reasoning as to why it may occur.
The good part, to me, is that I can now leave such situations if they become uncomfortable. I don't seek out many high school acquaintances (I had few friends, anyway, being a shy unattractive geeky scapegoat), but when I run into them, it's usually okay. If I start getting weird vibes, though, no problem -- just make my excuses and walk away.
posted
Yeah, Sara and Squicky are right on the money. When I was getting healthy I wasn't seeing much of my family, and I was amazed at how, when I did get together with them, I'd slip back into old roles. It's something that you'll get past though.
Class of '90, by the way. Loved kindergarten. Hated 1st through 4th grade. Transferred to a new school in 5th grade, liked it better. Enjoyed Jr. High. Really enjoyed high school (although I did make myself miserable mooning over a girl I made the center of my existance during my sophomore and junior year. She broke up with me during my junior year, and as I said, I tortured myself for some time mourning the loss of the relationship). Loved college, both undergraduate and graduate. I've had a pretty fortunate life, I think.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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And actually, my high school years were pretty good overall. And if I run into classmates in different places, we usually have a nice chat.
But at a reunion, you would think we had never left the halls of HHS -- everyone gravitates toward the same "cliques" of people they had back then, despite the fact that it is now over 25 years ago. And they act the same. But pretty much just when grouped together at the reunion.
Farmgirl class of '79
Posts: 9538 | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
It's threads like these that make me glad I *didn't* go to high school. I have quite a few friends that I made at the community college that I still keep in touch with ten years later.
posted
I didn't particularly enjoy high school either. Although, when I still lived in the same town, I would frequently run into old classmates. Most of the time, even if we hated each other in high school, we'd chat a little bit and that'd be it. Things are different now--the cliques have all disbanded and we're not in such a closed space anymore. We're in the big bad real world. So, with a few exceptions, I don't mind seeing people I went to high school with.
As for high school reunions, I think it's obvious that the old cliques would form up again. Your fellow clique members were your best friends in high schoool, of course you would want to catch up.
Yes, I was in a clique in high school. Nearly everyone was. We were pretty much the welcoming committee in the school. We gave the new kids a comfortable place to hang out until they found their own little group, and we accepted anybody. There were several people who regularly visited our clique, rotating in and out of several. There were some mean popular kids, and we generally didn't like them, but they never wanted to join us. Go figure.
But anyway, it's over now. Only person I'd have difficulty around today tramautized me in 8th grade. She wasn't a nice person. She's probably fine now, though.
posted
I actually really enjoyed high school. Middle school was traumatic for me, but I eventually learned how to play the games and jump through the right hoops, and by sophomore year I was popular enough to be able to do things my way without having to sit alone at lunch. But since junior high was basically one prolongued, waking nightmare, I really do sympathize. What's odd is that many of my associates in high school were the same people I loathed in middle school -- but we both grew up enough, I suppose, to tolerate each other better.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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I have a group of friends - about 6 of them - that I was best friends with in high school. We still keep in touch through e-mail and occasionally plan a night out together. I wouldn't trade them for the world. We don't talk every week, and almost never on the phone, but I know if I needed anything those women would be there for me in a heartbeat.
posted
See, Jr. High was when I learned to play the game. 7th grade, the first year of Jr. High for me, I didn't know how to play, but I watched and figured it out. In 8th grade I implemented what I'd learned, and enjoyed fairly broad social success. I didn't do the whole "backstabbing my old friends" thing, though; I was pretty much just friends with everybody. 9th grade was the same way, but by then I was tired of playing the game, and the next year, the first year of High School as my district was organized, I stopped playing the popularity game. I remained friends with pretty much everyone though, and didn't really belong to any cliques or anything.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
I was quite happy in highschool, happily living in my own world ignorant of how much everyone else thought how weird I was. When I discuss highschool with those of my friends who were pretty much just as shy and quiet as I was, I'm always surprised at how much they hated it, and how much they felt they never fit in. I never even thought about "fitting in".
Posts: 5700 | Registered: Feb 2002
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posted
I wonder if I was half as popular in high school as I remember myself being Y'know, even though I don't really keep in touch with anyone from high school any more, I'd probably go to a reunion without thinking twice about it. I loved high school and I'm sure it'd be fun to run into those people again.
Mind you, I do relate to what you're saying, Wheat. There are some people that I've a bad history with and I'm sure that if I were with them again I'd quickly revert to stammering and hearing my voice break every second word. May I never meet my second girlfriend's mother again...
Posts: 3243 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
I enjoyed High School. I still regularly talk to about a dozen of my good friends from high school and I don't mind running into many of the old aquaintances. It is odd running into the ones who used to be jerks and who now think it is just so darned neat to be running into someone they knew back when. I don't mind running into them but I wouldn't go out of my way to chat or anything.
My ten year reunion is coming up in 2005 but I probably won't be able to attend as my wife is going to be having some major back surgery and we aren't going to be able to travel much for about a year after that.
Posts: 1336 | Registered: Mar 2002
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quote:All young single observant Jews in NYC live in the same neighborhood, and if you know someone in that category, you are absolutely guaranteed to run into them at some point.
So true. It is unbelievably awkward, especially if you dated your way through the Columbia JSU.
Posts: 3037 | Registered: Jan 2002
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I don't think there's anyone with whome I have a bad history, though I wouldn't be totally taken aback to discover that there are people who have a bad history with me. *sheepish look* Physical abuse (physical bullys) pretty much stopped after middle school, and though it really didn't bother me that much in middle school, that was pretty much the only way I would have a bad history. Not that there weren't lots of people that didn't like me; I was the kid that sat at the front of the class and refused to shut-up. I'd call my history teachers on errors, or poor explenations, and physics too. Some people liked me (despite being shy, I'm also very outgoing, I'm a puzzle ) some people didn't like me. But the only way anyone was going to hurt me was through a non-physical action. And that pretty much stopped being an issue durring Junior year when I got some (more) self-confidence and then just took everyone who critizied me to town (not that I always won arguments, but it became aa game instead something that got under my skin).
I was friends with a good number of people that dealt with stupidity and cruelty of high school by not saying anything and sitting by themselves, and I did spend my fair share of time alone. There's nothing wrong with spending time alone, I think it's when you want companionship but are to afraid to find it, or just plain can't find it that it becomes a problem.
I heard about the new building, but not about Rabbi Sheer. Wow. I can't say that I think it's a bad decision - I don't think he was well-suited for a college congregation.
He actually made me keep the kosher grill in my room when I borrowed it for a dorm barbecue (before and after the barbecue, not during). My room smelled like hot dogs for weeks.
Andrew and I fled to Queens when we got married - we couldn't go anywhere between 79th and 116th without running into a million people. It was like living in Dacula again. I kind of miss it now, though.
BTW, did you go to Columbia?
Posts: 3037 | Registered: Jan 2002
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), and just generally bask in the serendipity of the moment.
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) some people didn't like me. But the only way anyone was going to hurt me was through a non-physical action. And that pretty much stopped being an issue durring Junior year when I got some (more) self-confidence and then just took everyone who critizied me to town (not that I always won arguments, but it became aa game instead something that got under my skin). 
