posted
THIS IS AN OLLLLLLD THREAD -- MY NEW POST IS AT THE BOTTOM
So.. I was expelled from highschool last year, my senior year, due to an unlikely and very fate-ish occurrance where my possession of a few copies of the master key to the school was discovered. I fought through it and ended up getting my diploma before anyone else anyway. - I took the SATS and was accepted into SOU in Oregon. I had already registered for classes when my family found out that Financial Aid fell through.. sucks for me.. so I was stuck living at home another year. Financially beneficial? Yes. Mentally beneficial? Highly questionable. - I ended up taking classes at a community college. Being very active, I couldn't stand the long commutes. I grew tired of the traveling and sudden lack of friends. So I slacked and messed up pretty bad. - This new term comes around and i'm doing alright, my friends are all back and all just leaving after break and i'm feeling pretty good about everything. - I come home late a couple of nights and my mom jumps to all these conclusions about how i'm just screwing things up and after a short arguement, I was expelled from my 'home' - So i'm dropping the classes while it's still free to do so, i'm packing up and i'm heading down to Ashland Oregon either tomorrow or the next day... I plan to get a job down there and attend classes even though I won't be getting credit for them.
-- I don't suppose anyone has any advice about being on your own so suddenly? Anyone know of Ashlandeers' who might be able to provide a brief place to stay or anything at all? -- These Carls Jr. gift certificates won't last long..
-Jack Montague
THIS IS AN OLLLLLLD THREAD -- MY NEW POST IS AT THE BOTTOM
posted
Your mom kicked you out for failing school? Was there any prior agreement about this? Was she paying for the classes? Oh, yeah, the story about the keys sounds very interesting. I'd like to hear more about that.
[ January 07, 2005, 03:05 PM: Message edited by: Trisha the Severe Hottie ]
Posts: 666 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
My advice is to take a couple of deep breaths, wait until your mom has calmed down, too, and then go talk to her and apologize and try to work things out so you can stay there and continue classes for the remainder of the year.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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I knew a Montague family in Chico, CA... don't suppose you're related?
Sounds like you've had it pretty rough... but congratulations, seriously, on continuing to make such an effort to get an education. Posts: 1681 | Registered: Jun 2004
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I think i'll be sticking to the more adventurous path on this one.. the more 'self-identifying' path.. even if I do end up identifying my self as an idiot. I'm 19.. And even though I think the reasoning at the time she kicked me out was wrong and out of human anger and frustration, I think it's something that needed to happen myself.. but.. it could've waited till the summer at least.. I can't stand Oregon's harsh chilly dampness..
-Jack Montague
ps- My Grandma and some other relatives live in California.. never heard of that particular place though.
Posts: 690 | Registered: Jul 2002
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posted
I'd say the more adventurous path would be figuring out an agreement you and your mom could both live with. Note that this is coming from someone who "ran away from home" to go to college. However, I had exhausted all the help I had available to deal with an intolerable situation, and so I made some very careful plans. Even so, it was a miserable few years.
Had it been at all tolerable, I would have stayed.
Posts: 2919 | Registered: Aug 2004
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Okay...so if I read this right, you got expelled from high school, but that wasn't really your fault, and then you failed your college classes, but again, you were missing your friends and it was too far to drive, so that's not really your fault, and then you stayed out late a few nights, which isn't really that big a deal, so it can't be your fault. So when your Mom decided that perhaps continuing to enable you in screwing up your life was not a good idea on her part and booted you out, it's not your fault on that either, eh? And she's totally wrong. Yeah.
Best of luck...I think you're right and that you needed this to happen. The first, best thing you can do is own up to all your screw ups, call them for what they are baldly and outright, making no excuses for yourself. That you got expelled from high school for something you did. That you failed your college courses for something you didn't do but should have. That you stayed out late and disrespected your mother's boundaries while living for free under her roof -- a privilege you lost the "right" to when you turned 18. And that your mother is not wrong to ask you to move out. Then perhaps your apologies to her might be worth something, and she might relent and let you come back.
And I think you should do whatever you can to mend the relationship with your mother, because I doubt you have any idea how hard it is going to be on your own, no job, no place to stay.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
First, I don't know the whole situation. I don't have kids, but I am a bit...ambivalent about a parent who would just kick their kid to the curb without notice.
What I would recommend is to try and patch things up with your mom *and* make plans to move out in say...six months. During that six months, work your farging ice off, save up your money, hook up with dependable roommates and go back to school. The money saved will give you a nice cushion for emergencies and the ability to pick and choose your roommates a little more selectively than having to kick the beer cans off the couch of the weed house each night before you go to sleep. My experience is that it's probably only a matter of time before something like this flares up again. Leave on good terms with control over what's happening, rather than bad terms without knowledge of what the next day will bring.
Working a crappy job for a few months with the knowledge that unless you better yourself, this will be your lot in life will also have beneficial effects on your outlook and help crystalize what you want to take in school somewhat.
posted
Living on your own is very instructional, to be sure. I don't think I know anyone who didn't find life as an independent adult to be a lot harder than they ever imagined.
However, it is quite rewarding as well, and now is as good a time to start learning as any. I don't have any tangible help to offer, but you have my prayers and best wishes for your success. Good luck to you in this new phase of your life. I'm sure you will find it an engrossing and fascinating adventure.
Posts: 6246 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
If you want to go to SOU ever, you should probably beg your mom to stay home. If she was really being unreasonable about kicking you out of the house (based on faulty assumptions), you should be able to be let back in. And if she had good reasons for kicking you out, she's still your mother. You should try to patch things up.
I agree with Storm Saxon.
Also,
quote:choose your roommates a little more selectively than having to kick the beer cans off the couch of the weed house each night before you go to sleep.
It is Ashland you're planning on moving to.... Posts: 1592 | Registered: Jan 2001
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About Jeniwren's shpeel.. I didn't bother looking back at what i said, so I may be wrong.. but not once do I remember saying that it wasn't my fault. What you called my 'excuses' I was just explaining as things which weren't helping. Like temptation to a man, without temptation there's not many other ways to catch onto his tragic flaw. -- I know I havn't made right choices. I know i've been wrong. Some people are just so quick to assume everything.. but that's only what one should expect on a forum.
Financial Aid paid for this last term, all of it. It would be paying for this next term as well.
Going back and apologizing isn't enough. I'd have to work at changing things, and I don't trust myself to do that. I can want something really bad, I can have all the best intentions in the world; but when i have room to slack, and I have something to fall back on, my mind pushes my better half in a closet and locks him in there. Something like this was bound to happen and needed to happen. - I appreciate the advice i've been getting.
posted
I have some experience with "suddenly being on your own". I was fifteen. But I'm afraid it's all bad experience, so it won't do you any good for me to share with you.
I will say this though : when you find an appartment, it's a good idea to have money saved up for your first grocery bill...
Posts: 1996 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
My mom moved to Utah and I stayed in Virginia when I was 16. I moved in with my older sister. I found I missed having parents.
Posts: 666 | Registered: Dec 2003
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quote:And if she had good reasons for kicking you out, she's still your mother. You should try to patch things up.
Good point Nato. Regardless of whether your mom lets you stay at home, you should patch things up with her. Leaving home is a good thing. Leaving home angry is not.
Posts: 1592 | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I still think that it is a horrible act to 'expel' someone from home. Whatever the reasons - it does not seem justified. Even my father, in Full Wrath and Rage Mode, wouldn't dare to do that.
I understand that after such a rough time she'd feel perfectly pissed off regarding you, but there IS a limit! My suggestion is that you prove yourself, and try and show her that you strived for education.
Again, I have no base of comparison, so I only suggest my best.
Jonny
[ January 08, 2005, 03:38 PM: Message edited by: Jonathan Howard ]
Posts: 2978 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
As a now 30-year-old that left home at 17 and didn't have a choice in the matter if I wanted to go to uni I know where you're at.
And I have some sage advice.
1) Working Get either a basic job that you can get through without thinking about it (or allows you to study on-the-job) or if there's something that you can do as a small business (teach singing, consult on tech issues, whatever) do it. Try to make enough money to survive and have a bit of fun, but leave enough time to be able to study as well.
2) Eating & Exercise I'm going to assume that your mum did most of your meals. It's the way it was in my family, as was our family tradition of doing loads of sport, music and theatre. As soon as you leave, all this ends. You don't have time to do all the fun stuff you used to be able to do. The upshot is that you get less exercise and probably eat more Maccas than you should. Don't. Take up some cheap form of exercise - better still if you can combine it with something social (jogging/swimming/yoga) or transport (riding) - and learn to cook. Figure out what consists of a balanced diet. Don't eat too much bread, potato, pasta and pizza - because you'll be drinking lots of beer soon enough. Rice is a great susbsistance-level food.
3) Study If you're going to study, make sure you know what it is that you're getting into, that you're willing to put in the time to make yourself a success - and that in the end the thing you're studying will give you either immense satisfaction, a great salary - or both.
4) Don't get a credit card. Just don't. When you're on minimum wage this is just the death of your finances for years to come. It'll creep up on stupid little things and the next thing you know you'll be in thousands and thousands of dollars of high-interest debt and all your money will go to paying it off. Learn to budget and live within your means. Take a course if you have to.
5) Have a life. If you're at college this can be some of the best fun of your life. You'll have the opportunity to make friends that can last a lifetime, who have the same interests as you. Make sure you have "grades" of friends tho - have a large circle of friends that are available for fun, but populate your inner-circle of friends with people who show nothing but honour, trust and courage - and who are also lots of fun. Don't be afraid to get out there - you'll never regret going out rather than playing xbox or watching TV. No-one ever got to the end of their lives and wished they'd watched more TV.
That's it, I guess. Take it from the 30-something who's got nothing to show for the mountains of debt except for qualifications in an obscure musical discipline that he no longer practices.
Your second post somehow passed me by, or I wouldn't have made the betting remark.
I think the whole blame/fault issue is raised by your description of the key incident.
quote: So.. I was expelled from highschool last year, my senior year, due to an unlikely and very fate-ish occurrance where my possession of a few copies of the master key to the school was discovered.
Also, saying that you "fought through it" implies it was an external adversity. I'm just saying what about it might have caused people to jump to the conclusion that you don't feel at fault, and that is why I wanted to hear more about the incident.
Posts: 666 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
Troubador made some really great points. I'd like to second the eating and exercise bit--particularly the eating. I managed to gain 30 pounds in one semester of college, and I'm certain it's due to my eating habits since I was getting more exercise than when I was thinner. Either that or the medication I was taking. Anyhow. Make sure you get produce from the grocery store, and try to cook your own meals as much as possible.
If you don't get a credit card (I think it's possible to use and own one responsibly, but they are potentially hazardous) get a debit card. You can't get into debt that way, though you have to be careful not to overdraw your account. Having access to your money could come in handy in an emergency, and it's safer than carrying lots of cash.
Find some people who are settled down in the area. They can help you out when you are in trouble, whether that's preventing you from starving, giving you a shoulder to cry on, or helping you navigate the complexities of adult life. I can't remember if you're religious, but a church/synagogue/mosque/etc. is one way to start. If you already know people in Ashland, you might want to contact them. A friend of my father's once drove me to the ER and stayed with me while I got my brain checked out following a mild concussion.
I'm sorry you're in a tough situation, and I wish you luck. It looks like you're aware of some of your shortcomings, which is the first step towards fixing them or at least working around them. Ashland can be a fun town, and be sure you make it to at least one Shakespeare play while you're there!
Posts: 3546 | Registered: Jul 2002
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posted
How would one go into debt with a debit card, any more than writing checks or spending paper money, Icarus?
Edit: I'm not being argumentative, just curious. I personally find that a debit card is a good balance and is extremely useful to have. Either that, or a credit card with a low limit--it is impossible for me to spend more money than I have because I could pay off the maximum right away. Granted, I couldn't do that for many months in a row, but it is a good safety measure.
posted
I nearly lost my house this last year. Our finances were tight after a summer of not being paid, and then going through a hurricane season in which we were hit several times, had to spend money to board up the house and to evacuate once. All the gory details can be read here. (There were some other things that contributed, including skyrocketing property taxes and a truly messed up homeowner's insurance situation, where I was paying twice as much for half as much coverage.)
Anyway, the expenses were coming so quickly, it was hard to keep track well. Back before Visa Check cards were common, most people didn't write checks all the time. Most people took out cash when they needed it at an ATM, and wrote checks only for major bills. A lot of businesses simply will not accept a personal check, and writing one is a hassle anyway.
The difference between check-writing and debit card use is in the sheer volume of the charges involved. How many times a month did you use to write a check? A dozen? How many times a day do you use your debit card now? You probably have twice as many check card transactions as you ever had checks.
The difference between taking out cash at an ATM and using a check card is that the ATM will not dispense to you money that you don't have. In my case, at least, the check card never declined a purchase. They paid them, and then treated them like NSF checks. $30 fee per transaction, plus $50 a day for being overdrawn. Now, I might have a good half-dozen transactions before I realized I was overdrawn. That's a couple of hundred dollars right there in fees. Plus, I would be in the red until next payday, getting nailed with daily overdrawn fees. This set up kind of like a feedback loop: when I next got paid, much of that paycheck was spent on fees, causing me to go into the red sooner and therefore deeper. In one two week period alone I had over a thousand dollars in fees charged by my bank. I easily lost three to four thousand this way. I could not pay my mortgage--at my deepest I was two months behind and they were initiating foreclosure--and I was juggling utilities and avoiding the credit card people. We pretty much stopped paying DirectTV, telephone, and cell phones altogether.
But just think of what I could have paid off with those three or four thousand dollars back.
We still have a check card, because it's too convenient not to have. But I use it as sparingly as possible. Instead, every payday I pay my bills immediately (which is actually possible now, unlike before) and then I go to the bank and take out cash. This cash is my spending money. If I cannot afford something with the cash in my wallet or in the bank, I do not get it. But I do not trust my bank to tell me it's not there, at least not by using a check card.
Posts: 13680 | Registered: Mar 2002
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Wow. That is pretty bad. I had assumed that the check card would be declined if the bank balance was too low to pay.
Posts: 3546 | Registered: Jul 2002
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That sort of behaviour by a bank would proabably now be severly dealt with by our consumer watchdogs here. Ridiculously high services charges and processing fees (particularly for the kinds of situations you were in) are fast becoming illegal over here....
Posts: 2245 | Registered: Nov 1998
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People here are really weird. I couldn't wait to move out and loved living on my own when I did at 17.
Pepek, don't stress about what's happening now. You're still very young and the important thing is that you learn from what's happened and make *plans*--1 month, 1 year, and 5 year plans--and then work towards them.
Mistakes happen and are a natural part of life. They hurt, but as long as we learn from them, they are beneficial in the long run.
posted
Maybe you should work and save up money and enroll in the Fall semester. That way you might have some money saved up for the school year when you cannot work as much. You could save up more money if you were living at home, but if even if that is not an option waiting until the Fall semester to start school is probably a good idea.
Posts: 1015 | Registered: Aug 2004
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"Insanity is doing the same thing in the same way and expecting a different outcome."
It didn't sound to me that you were explaining so much as making excuses.....
If was YOUR fault you had the key, that is what got you expelled, not bad luck.
It is YOUR fault your grades sucked, because you CHOSE to go out with friends (I have done this one myself... )....
And your mother owes you nothing now that you are suppose to be an adult.
You are lucky she waited this long to kick you out, to be honest.
It is up to you now, you get to decide what to do next. I wish you well, but I think you should pay attention to the quote I started with....You said you won't even try to go back and change because you "know" yourself better than that, and it is too hard to do so.
If you keep doing things the same way, making all the same excuses, then all you can expect is more of the same.
Sooner or later you will realize that in the real world people will not care why you didn't show up for work, or why your homework isn't done.
They will just fire you, or flunk you, because there is always someone behind you who finished their homework, and who is on time every day.
posted
Pepek, nothing in your reply leads me to believe that my first impression was incorrect.
You won't even take responsibility for the fact that given half a chance, you'll sabatage yourself. My son, when he was really little, would blame his hand for hitting me. He wouldn't dare try that on me now, because he knows quite well that he is in control of his hand, just as you are in control of your decisions.
It's tough growing some self discipline, but you can make it harder for yourself by continuing down the road you've walked for 19 years, depending on Mommy to push you into everything. Or you can be a man. Boy or man, which do you want? Men take responsibility. They don't blame their "mind for pushing their better half into a closet and locking it there". They say "I blew it. I should have done X. I didn't, but I can still do Y and finish what I start. I'm not going to let my tendency to slack sabatage my happiness." Then they do Y, no matter how hard it is, no matter how much they'd rather just veg. You could choose to be a man, or you can wait until the world forces you to grow up. The latter is more painful, but it's your life. You can choose.
Good luck with it. If I didn't think you could do it, I wouldn't bother with replying.
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
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I am no longer 19, and i'm turning 22 this Monday.
To nutshell: When I was 19 I dropped from community college after being kicked out of my home in Beaverton.
Then I made this thread.
In the passing time until now, I had hitched down to Eugene Oregon, stayed with a friend and got a door to door job (ohhh I hated it..) and went to classes at the UofO without getting credit.
Later that year, after a tough pursuit, I found a way to recieve financial aid for spring term down at SOU in Ashland Oregon.
Got a job in the computer lab and got myself an education. Now i'm leaving college to pursue set work on films.
Just thought you guys might like to know, and also I thought i'd thank you all for your unwavering support. And yes, it was my fault that I got in that bad of shape- and yes it was my fault that I got in to better shape-- and yes, i'm on good terms with my mother, but I still refuse any help from her and I don't plan to live with her ever again.
posted
Glad things are looking up for you. Sounds like you learned a lot! Unwavering support is great when you can get it. One form it can take is telling people true things they don't want to hear. Another is wanting to know how you are and what you're doing. Did you graduate already in only two years? What sort of job prospects have you come up with so far? Let us know!
I'm really glad you are on good terms with your mom now. Maybe it's your turn to help her now instead of taking her help. It is a privilege to do that, in most cases, and something that can bring a lot of happiness to your family life.
Best of luck with your job search! Let us know what happens with you. Posts: 6246 | Registered: Aug 2004
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Thank you so much for posting an update. I'm really glad to hear that things are turning around for you!
Posts: 4515 | Registered: Jul 2004
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Well done. It's a life changing experience to overcome really tough times and get back on track. Hope things keep going well.
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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That is the best possible news you could give, considering the circumstances. Both that you are doing better, and you accepting responsibility for both the situation you were in and the credit for making it turn out OK.
Best of luck, and I hope to see you around again. Posts: 15082 | Registered: Jul 2001
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