posted
I get that question every time I've been pregnant. Someone has to ask it. This time, it was mack's turn to do the honors.
No. I'm not carrying twins. But with 8 weeks to go, not-so-little Christopher already weighs a hair under 5 pounds according to the ultrasound I got yesterday.
There are also various exchanges of 'When are you due?' followed either by the polite 'Well, that isn't too long' or something like my uncle's surprised reaction: 'Girl, you look like you are about ready to pop'. The polite replies are really not much better when I'm looking down the maw of 8 more weeks of being not just a little, but very pregnant.
I sigh as I look at the green jumper with large black flowers on it that someone handed down to me to wear. The one I swore I'd never put on, but that never quite made it to the Goodwill bag. It will probably be the only thing I can wear. Sigh. And this time we'd actually been able to afford getting me at least a couple of cool maternity outfits and I thought I'd planned for the bigness that is me towards the end.
This child is not mellow. I consider the fact with pride in how healthy both his actions and all the various ultrasounds have proven him to be, and with some trepidation as he kicks and jumps. Oh, how I wish I could see him doing it rather than feel him. Be out already, why don't you? I'm tired and I'm breathing heavy in bed because you are engaged in some unknown but very aerobic sport. As if in reply, I have a contraction.
What a wicked thought, I berate myself now. He is healthy in there, right now. He would not be healthy if he were born right now.
I reject the contraction, ignoring my impulse to visualize it doing anything but strengthening the muscle. They've punctuated my days for months now, steadily getting stronger and more numerous. This is typical for me and I relax through them, but I can't give in to them as I can during real labor.
I'm frustrated.
I'm tired.
I'm vulnerable.
This is especially irritating to me, because I value my strength and competence in my life. I the one who prunes the bushes and trees. I'm the handywoman in the house. I used move the furniture by myself when I got bored of the layout. I would stride into the school, eager to be sharing my time and talents in my daughters' classrooms. On our cleaning day, I used to be working before the rest of the family and after and feel invigorated and lightened. I have fantastic ideas and I write.
Right now, all I hear is "Be careful", "Don't strain yourself", "Are you okay?". And they are valid in saying all those things, but if I hear it again, I think I will scream. I go into the schools feeling like I'm barely holding on, and at any moment the kids will see how fragile the skin of my competence is. On cleaning day, I get out of breath and in pain and sometimes I just have to lay down. I can barely think straight, words slipping out of thought before I can form them into something coherent.
At night, my husband holds me and I sigh, or sometimes cry. He knows more than any other how betrayed by my body I feel, even as we both are in awe of the miracle unfolding there.
There are soft movements in my tummy. Christopher isn't kicking right now but perhaps he is opening and closing his hands or touching his feet. I'm not sure. It is amazing to me that in the safest place we will ever be, in the womb, we are also the most isolated and seperated from our family.
Come out, little boy, so that you can see how much more to this world there is than a dark red glow, soft walls, and muffled voices. But not until you are ready, no matter how tired and frustrated your mommy is.
Posts: 3495 | Registered: Feb 2000
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posted
(((Amka))) Is it weirder in any way that you apparently started out with twins and one didn't take?
Are you having Braxton Hicks or are you really prone to premature labor? The Braxton Hicks supposedly get worse with succeeding pregnancies. I don't know how that would be possible after my fourth.
And I really really appreciate you hosting the party on Sunday. That was awesome.
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That sounded so pretty you should print it and put it in a little leather book and read it to him when he's older.
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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Thanks, jeni. Actually, mack does have a picture of me with a bunch of other (considers if she should obey Scott R in this manner or not... Naw...) Hatrackers in her wedding album.
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The great thing about This picture is how Amka's arm seems to be coming out of Rivka's sleeve.
P.S. Would it make you feel worse or better if I observe that I can't even tell you are pregnant in the other photo?
So are the contractions Braxton Hicks or serious preterm labor? I know that by my fourth pregnancy I couldn't tell a difference.
I'd had pitocin with delivery 2 and 3, so knowing I probably couldn't avoid it I thought "I'll just have 4 induced on time." But my bishop score was never favorable until I was overdue.
[ January 12, 2005, 02:22 PM: Message edited by: Trisha the Severe Hottie ]
Posts: 666 | Registered: Dec 2003
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Amka, that was lovely, and I would even say landmarkesque.
quote: I bet you look absolutely beautiful.
Aye, she does in all of her pregnant glory.
Some of us get really, really big. And I for one am absolutely puzzled when I see women at near-full-term who look like they are just starting to show.
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They are just very strong braxton-hicks. I have given doctors some cause for concern for their frequency at times, but resting always stops them.
Once, I did go into the hospital with them. That was my first pregnancy, and apparently I had let myself get dehydrated, not worrying about it in the humid climate of western Oregon. I sucked up two bags of fluid, and the contractions stopped.
That never happened again.
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I was right (looking at the pictures)...you do look beautiful! I wish I'd looked that good that pregnant. I got so fat in the face the bigger I got. Most people who didn't know I was pregnant thought I was just gaining lots of weight until the last month. You look just beautiful.
posted
That would be me. I have "good birthing hips" as evidenced by having had two 10 pound boys (Not twins!) without an epidural. I did have an epidural with my latest due to a headcold.
So with baby 4, I was actually at my due date and someone at church cautiously asked if I was pregnant. That baby was 9 pounds.
Posts: 666 | Registered: Dec 2003
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And thank you everyone. I had to let it all out, and put some effort into letting it go.
It is kind of funny. I get both more emotional, more expressive, but also more introverted at this point.
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You know, pregancy is a lot like puberty. Your whole body is changing shape, and hormones are rushing around so you get all self concious again.
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*hug* The third trimester is the hardest, in my experience. Between the exhaustion, the constant internal pummeling (which gets progressively harder), and the awkwardness of dealing with a center of gravity that is difficult to keep above your feet . . . it's amazing most women don't spend the last trimester in bed. And Ami, jeni is right -- you are beautiful.
And I'm not just saying that since we appear to have been joined at the arm. Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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