posted
I'm leaving Hatrack. Not forever, and I don't know for how long... I could be back next week, or it could take me three months. I'm at a very difficult point in my life right now, and I find that I pour more emotion and feeling into Hatrack than I do into the people around me, especially my family.
This year has been really hard, what with moving to a different country, and leaving home, and the death of my cousin. It hasn't been hard just for me, it's been hard for my entire family. But I was so wrapped up in myself and in Hatrack that I didn't really notice how difficult this year was for everyone else. Today I was sitting in the living room in my parents' apartment, reading a book, and I heard my parents fighting in the kitchen, and my sister and our twelve-year-old cousin (who was visiting for the day) fighting in her bedroom. The worst part was that all this dissention didn't seem new to me. It startled me for a moment, and then I realized that this is what I'm constantly hearing, even when it's not directed at me. I just started crying, right there in the living room, because I got so upset that my family has become one that never stops fighting. My parents were rather shocked when they came out of the kitchen, and found me in tears.
My mom and I went outside to talk, (I think we both needed some air), and we discussed it. I realized then that this year has been hard for her, probably harder than it has for me. Her social circle here is even smaller than mine, and she doesn't have a firm academic framework to depend on for a consistent routine. She's started teaching literature at the Music Academy's high school, but she hates it there, and most of the students are spoiled prodigies who feel that schooling and teachers are beneath them. They give my mom a really hard time, and I didn't know that until today, when we talked about it. I didn't know that my dad was so busy looking after my ailing grandfather and other family members that he wasn't getting any of his own work done, which is one of the reasons this move was hard on him. I had been so focused on my Hatrack family that I hadn't payed much attention to my real one.
This is why I'm leaving. I may not leave entirely, I might read threads and not respond, or even respond once in a while... and like I said, I may even be back as soon as next week, depending on whether or not I find my place by then. But I think it's unacceptable that I have put so much love into an online community, and have all but forgotten my own. My family is constantly bickering, worse than it's ever been, because the separation this year, both from the surroundings we know and from each other, has been really hard on us. I feel so selfish that I've whined here about how I'm miserable, when my parents are far more miserable than I am, but they're doing what they can to make sure that I'm ok.
Like I said, I'm not leaving... I'm just taking a break, to get a little closer to my real life family. I may have you guys to fall back on when times are hard, but they don't, and the fact that I confide in you all more than in them is probably very hard. I definitely got that from my mother today when we were talking, and I feel horribly guilty about it. I hope I can figure myself out soon and come back, but until then, this is a temporary goodbye. You've all been wonderful when I have turned to you, and when I have confided in you, and I hope I've helped some people as well.
posted
I understand that one, I feel like I've sort of been ignoring my parents too, but have been taking it as a good thing. We love you, and you still have to get on aim from time to time, need to plan our shopping trip.
Posts: 5362 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
Good luck. I hope things go well or you, and I look forward to your return. When you do come back, I hope you can find the balance you seek. I don't think you are selfish; I think you are selfless and mature.
The following is not intended as an attempt to change your mind: your family may be hurting, and maybe you can help them. But make sure you still have some outlet for venting, be it a trusted friend or whatever. Because no matter what else is happening, you deserve health and support.
posted
I bet your mom would say that there is no need for guilt. If you were my daughter, I know that's what I'd say. And I find it very, very admirable that you're willing to give up what gives you comfort and belonging to return to work on RL relationships where you are needed.
I wish you many great blessings in this new year, with a hope that you will find it a much better one than the last.
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
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But since I wouldn't be me if I didn't offer some advice: don't try to prop up your family single-handed, though. It sounds like they could all stand to reach out to each other, and it's unfair of you to put the responsibility for that solely on yourself. I think it's beautiful that you're trying to help -- but I don't want you to burn out.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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I know I've already said it elsewhere, but I'll say it again here...this is a very good thing of you to do and it makes me proud to know you, even though it's only been a short while, yet
Posts: 1158 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
(((Raia))) I hope that you and your family find your way to happiness. My bit of advice is that you not beat yourself up over a perceived lack on your part being contributory. Focus on what you and your family need to heal, not on what you or anyone else did or didn't do.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Awesome, Raia. My hiatus was based on similar needs, and it was extremely beneficial for me. It was hard for me to leave Hatrack because it had always been my comfort and distraction. But it was exactly what I needed.
You're very bright, and your family is fortunate to have you. I won't repeat the admonitions of others, but I agree with them and hope you find the proper balance.
Be strong and make good choices. Posts: 7600 | Registered: Jan 2001
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posted
Hatrack is only a worthwhile part of your life if it has a net positive impact. Take however long you need. Posts: 10886 | Registered: Feb 2000
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posted
Raia, I'm only repeating what's already been said, and yet, I'm going to say it anyway. It sounds like you know what you're doing, and it sounds like you've made a wise decision. I wish you well.
However. You can't help them if you're burnt out. You must also take care of yourself. You need to recharge. You need to be energized so you can help them. So take care of yourself, too, in whatever way is best.
Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
We'll miss you. *hugs* Be well my dear and take good care of your loved ones and yourself. I'm always on the other end of an email, ok? Posts: 6415 | Registered: Jul 2000
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quote:However. You can't help them if you're burnt out. You must also take care of yourself. You need to recharge. You need to be energized so you can help them. So take care of yourself, too, in whatever way is best.
got bunny?
Seriously, Raia, it sounds like you're making the best decision you can here. Know that you aren't the only person who needs to work on this, though, and that you aren't solely responsible for the changes in the family, either the ones that have already happened or the ones that need to happen to make everyone happy and a single organism again.
If I can do anything to help, please let me know. My email and AIM ID are in my profile. {{{{{{{{{{Raia and family}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Posts: 4515 | Registered: Jul 2004
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There's not much to say that was not said yet. But, I'm with you, and I cannot say that you are wrong in your decisions. Moreover, I agree with Tom, Sara, Elizabeth and others - do what you can, but don't try and form 7 bridges yourself. Find some time to relax, and join us when you can, once more.
We all love you here, and want you to remain a communal inspiration. I hope that you may join us once more, and be a realistic milestone in Hatrack's, in my and in every single person you know ('S) inspiration and place-in-the-heart.
(((Raia))),
LOL (the other one),
Jonathan Howard
[ January 15, 2005, 12:45 PM: Message edited by: Jonathan Howard ]
Posts: 2978 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
Cut yourself some slack here. You've had a lot on your mind and on your shoulders. You're at a time of life when responsibilities and expectations are building and it's never easy. You've had some things happen that are pretty darn tough to deal with. The fact that you want to focus on your family is, to me, a sign of your maturity and forethought.
See you whenever you make it back here.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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posted
I'm not sure if I've entirely reached where I want to be, but I know I'm closer, and I think I'm at the point where I no longer have to sever contact with my friends in order to be close to my family.
Thank you all for your beautiful comments... I have read them thoroughly, and each and every one of them means a lot to me! It's good to be back.
Oh, and by the way, since you broke up with us, to be sure that you're fully reintegrated you'll have to take this quiz . Posts: 4519 | Registered: Sep 2003
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