So there's this guy I know. I'm friends with him and his two brothers and his other two roommates (one of whom is such a great friend...and sometimes he cooks for me!). I go to Church with them all and whatnot.
As some background, two of the brothers have had things for me in the recent past. I know the younger one still does, but I haven't discussed it recently with (let's call him) "Pedro." I had a bit of a thing for Pedro's little brother for a while, but I'm well over that now, happily. The middle brother recently moved in, and it's been an interesting experience getting to know him. Pedro is one of those "deep thinkers" that is always pondering things. He's in engineering, and knows pretty much nothing about girls. He's uber-religious...not to give the connotation that I think there's a maximum someone should hit and not exceed when it comes to Church, but more, that it's kind of to a point where he's incredibly particular about things. He sees life very much in black and white and has a habit of working questions such as "Well what does the Lord say about it?" into conversations when it isn't necessary or isn't any his business. (Such as while telling me why I shouldn't date his inactive brother, etc.) It's kind of like, instead of trying to be better, he's just being uptight.
So here's the sitch. In getting to know the middle brother better, it has struck me more and more how immature Pedro often is in comparison to his brothers, and, indeed, the rest of everyone I know. He has an irritating habit of acting like he's about five or six years old. (He's like 22 or 23.) This has increased exponentially since his brothers arrived. Most of what comes out of his mouth is done in this stupid, childish voice. It would be fine if he were just *like* that, but he's a pretty smart guy and knows how to act much more grown-up. It's like he can't find a balance between childish and uptightly ponderous. He's done some obnoxious and not-so-subtle things to try and drive wedges between his youngest brother and I, and has not kept his mouth shut about a few things he should have "because he thought he ought to tell his brother" (which he got WRONG). He spent a while constantly pointing out to me all the flaws I have, with the idea that by doing so, I would fix them and be better for it, not realizing that it was just making me feel worse about myself. He's a really nice person and means well, but he's totally missing the mark here and I don't want to deal with it anymore.
I could go on, but the long and short of it is, sometime just before break I snapped and simply could not deal with it anymore. He irritates me to no end. We had Christmas break for three weeks and that was great, and now we've been back at school for a week. I'm at their apartment on a semi-regular basis, as I'm friends with several people there, and I see him a good 6 days a week, with different Church activities and hanging out at the Institute. I haven't talked to him much since. (Last week was a bad one and there were only a handful of people I talked to at all anyway, but this is a little different.) I don't want to deal with it at all anymore, and I haven't been.
But I know I have to talk to him. He IMed me tonight, asking about it, and I told him I was not prepared to discuss anything of that nature at 2am, which was fine with him. But it's going to come up again soon.
I don't know what to say. There's no nice way to put "You drive me insane and I want some space...a LOT of space...maybe permanent space." What do I do? I still see him all the time and I don't want to hurt his feelings...altho I realize I'm probably not helping by avoiding him. Any ideas?
Posts: 119 | Registered: Oct 2004
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He sounds like a self-righteous prat who needs to grow up, and frankly I wouldn't hesitate at all in putting almost exactly what you said in this thread to him directly.
Life is too short to be bothered dealing with people who can't sort out their own crap - especially when they feel the need to unburden themselves about everyone else's problems.
The upshot will be that he'll either get offended enough to leave you alone or take a good hard look at himself and make himself into a better person.
Posts: 2245 | Registered: Nov 1998
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posted
You don't have to be nice all the time, you know ? That's a thing I discovered with time. Being nice with people who are nice too (meaning they always try to understand your feelings and not to hurt them and discuss when there is a problem) is possible. But being nice with everyone just puts you in the worst position possible, especially if people realize that and try to make you think you're mean with them when you just try not to be eaten by them. I know this is quite confuse, what I mean is that if you can't bear this attitude in him, you have to tell him, first because there is no way you can go on that way, second because this would be no good to him to leave him believe that he is perfect and everything is OK. I would try to do that in the kinder way possible - if you think you can, do it in person, because that way you see the way he reacts, and there is a possibility of discussion, or in e-mail if you are sure he's the only one who could access this e-mail and you feel you can't tell this in person. You need to keep this between the two of you.
Posts: 3526 | Registered: Oct 2001
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posted
I'm thinking that this guy has the nerve to tell you what you're doing wrong with your life, so there is nothing stopping you from telling him the same. . . as far as it regards you. You don't want to hurt him, but it's okay for him to hurt you? No way.
I'm not saying be mean and nasty and vengeful. I'm saying be blunt with him and tell him exactly what you told us. Given how he's been with you, he doesn't deserve you pussy-footing around.
And I'm with Troub on this - he's not nice. Nope.
In our culture, we as women are trained to believe that it's our responsibility to be polite and nice and keep the peace while men can say whatever they want however they want. Yeah, exaggeration, but still. It's bull. You have as much of a right to have peace in your life and to be left alone and if that means telling this guy to get lost or, at the very least, to not bug you incessantly, then that's what you need to do.
Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
I think many problems came from a misunderstanding between two persons. After that, maybe one of the two don't understand what th second said, maybe the two. Or maybe he (or they) doesn't want to understand it.
In your case,I'm agree with Troubadour, Anna and Quid : You must clarify it ! Use what you write here : it's well. After that you will break the bridges. Good courage, it's a difficult step but you can do it.
Posts: 1189 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
I feel like I painted an awful picture of an otherwise pretty nice person. He does come over to my house to dispose of rats at 2am. If I ever needed anything, he'd be there in a heartbeat.
But you guys are right; that doesn't make the other stuff okay.
All right. Now I have to do it. Posts: 119 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
Lisha as far as the rat-disposal, so would any of your other good friends, and they wouldn't be acting nearly as jerky the rest of the time. I hope Kat sees this thread, I know she'll have a lot of insight.
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