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I work in a school for 5 months now. At first I had troubles finding people to talk with, because it was always the school, the students, the students and the school. I sympathised with a guy who talked about other things, too. Books, movies... I was happy of that. But now I think it becomes a bit creepy. Just so you know, I'm married, him too, and we both now the other is married. I never saw our relation as a "sexued" one, meaning he could have been a woman for what I care. But I'm afraid it's not the same thing for him. Yesterday he went in the school library, the place I work in. We were alone, no students, because it was at the end of the day. We talked a little, and he took pictures of the library with a digital camera, "to show his wife how it looks like". Well, no problem with me. I just met him today, and he told me : "hey, I've got a picture of you in my computer !". It appears that he took my picture in the library, which I wasn't aware of (I hate pictures of me). I tried to take it as a joke and answered : "Now, what will your wife think of it ?". He gave me a strange look and told me "she doesn't know about it". I had to go to work because the bell rang, so no way to make things clearer. And now, I'm afraid he has been mistaken about our relation, and I don't know what to do - I know it's stupid to worry that much, but he's very big and strong, and it could become dangerous if things came at that point. Advice, anyone ?
[ December 16, 2005, 10:31 AM: Message edited by: Anna ]
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Hmmm... that is odd. I wouldn't stress out about it just yet. I would go up to him and say in a nonchalant or joking way "what exactly did you mean by you have a picture of me and your wife doesn't know about it?" See what his reaction is then. You could of course just ignore whatever happened, act normal. Or you can go further and ignore him totally (maybe not the best answer).
What do you think? Is he a normal guy or does he seem like someone from the wrong side of the tracks? If he is a normal dude he was probably just joking around. Tell us more.
[ February 02, 2005, 05:32 AM: Message edited by: Telperion the Silver ]
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Already done. But some people here just don't understand that the fact you're married does really mean that you're not searching someone else.
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Personally, I would be real up-front and in-your-face about it with him (I had a similar uncomfortable situation recently). When you get a chance, not around others, just tell him "Look, I don't know what you are thinking, but I want you to know I'm happily married and NOT interested in being anything other than a co-worker friend to you. I have been getting the feeling you think it is something more and I want to clarify that I do NOT have romantic feelings for you"
Direct approach.
Farmgirl
(of course, to save pride, he will say "well, that's what I feel too -- I never thought anything different" -- which will make you feel stupid, but probably he would just be lying to salvage his ego)
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Maybe you could suggest the four of you going bowling or something like that. Stressing that you’d like to meet his wife and you’d like him to meet you husband.
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(don't you just love how us unmarried people are the first to jump in with advice)? Kind of like people without kids giving parenting advice....
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Telp, I don't know. We never talked about very personal things. We like the same kind of books and sometimes movies, he's got 2 kids and h's married, that's about all I could say about him. He looked at me strangely, that's what made me think it wasn't a joke. But it's just a feeling. Also, I'm usually very bad to know when someone is, well, thinking of me in a non-only-friendly way, I'm always the last to realize it.
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Jay, I just can't do that. People here are really more liberal about some aspects of their sexual life, and I would be too afraid that it ends up in a proposition of all having sex together or something like this. Maybe I'm paranoïd.
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I agree with FG; I think the direct approach is the best. That way there's never any question of how you feel about it.
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Wow... that's different. Well, maybe your husband can stop over more often. Breaks or lunches. Just so his presence is known
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I think Jay's idea is a good one. I would suggest sharing your concern with your husband, but qualifying it by saying this is just a vibe and you could be wrong. The idea is not to have your husband beat him up in a jealous rage but to have him maybe help you come up with subtle ways to deflect this.
I prefer nonconfrontational approaches until there is no other option, but maybe that's foolish on my part. (Or it could be my passive/aggressive upbringing.) But I have, in the past, incorrectly believed somebody was romantically attracted to me, and it's pretty embarrassing. And as somebody already noted, the guy would almost certainly claim you misunderstood, even if you did not.
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Like Icarus, I would take the non confrontational approach as well. I think there are several signals you could send to him without actually saying any words.
Avoid all activities that might cause you to be alone with him. As others have said, do talk about your husband, but also drop words about how he is really the only man for you. Maybe say something about how romantic you think totally monogamous relationships are.
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The first thing I'd do is tell my husband. I think openess and honesty about things can prevent any misunderstandings or problems later.
I would never, ever let myself be in a room alone with this guy with a closed door under any circumstances.
I like what Farmgirl said, but it doesn't sound to me like there is enough to confront him with yet. I would wait until he said something more concrete. Then I'd be direct.
Find some way to work your views about marriage and fidelity into the conversation. Since you like the same movies and books this should be easy: "Have you read X book yet? I liked it, but the adultery between A and B characters made me uncomfortable. Call me old-fashioned, but I take my wedding vows seriously." Stuff like that.
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I also think you should talk it over with Vincent. Andrew and I have a married friend who flirts with me (in front of Andrew and his own wife, too) and discussing it makes me feel a lot better. I make sure that I am never alone with him and if I had to be, I'd make sure the door was wide open.
I think Belle's idea of working your marriage into the conversation is a good one. And it's perfectly natural - you're still a newlywed, after all.
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I think avoiding being alone with him is a good idea. Also, try being a little distant for a while. I don't think you need to go overboard with this, but a little distance might give him the needed hint.
I agree that talking about it with your husband is a good choice.
If he gets more direct in his advances get more direct in your refusal.
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quote:Listen to your gut feeling on this Anna. If you feel like he is not meaning it as a joke, then you are probably right.
I had a hard time finding this thread, but I thought it would be funny to let you guys know what happened yesterday. I won't explain here because it's long and painful, but I'm leaving my job - today is my last day of work. Yesterday the coworker I was talking about in this thread came to me, told me he had heard I wanted to leave... And proposed a date. So, yeah, my gut feeling was actually accurate. Apparently he had more or less understood I wasn't interested but he still was and wanted to take his last chance. I'll be so much better elsewhere.
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Wait, is this the same guy you mentioned on Sakeriver? The one that exchanged email addresses with you and wanted to stay in touch?
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NO! I would never give my phone number or my e-mail to the creepy guy. I gave them to a nice guy who is very monogamous (we talked about it when the subject of religion came) and actually acts more like a big brother to me. When we'll have children, Vinnie and I, I'd like to propose this guy to become their near-uncle, because it's that way we proceed in the family, there are people who are not our blood family but are our heart family (our children will already have a near-grandmother, too.)
[ December 16, 2005, 11:04 AM: Message edited by: Anna ]
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Good. I thought that after you'd exchanged email addresses and posted about it, he'd said something or emailed something that made it clear that he was after more than friendship. I'm happy to be wrong!
Interesting, about the near-uncle and the near-grandmother. Is it a formal thing, where you ask them to be near-relatives? I'm assuming so, since you say that you're going propose that this guy be made a near-uncle, but I thought that I'd check. It sounds like a cool custom.
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Yes. Pretty unique to my family, but I really like it. My sister and I proposed a long time ago to a very dear friend of the family to be the third grandmother of our children. Since Mom is dead, the need is even greater, but we had asked before. Also as weird as it can seem, my dentist is a near-uncle. He treated my grandparents and still takes care of my Dad, me, Hubby, my sisters and BILs and my niece. One of my near-grandmothers (I had 2) was a neighbor, she died something like 10 years ago. The other one also lives not far away form my Dad's home, and we try to visit her when we can. It's more in the spirit of a tribe, if you ask me. You can choose your family. Posts: 3526 | Registered: Oct 2001
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My dad had a third grandmother like that, Anna. He was the youngest of three boys, and didn't get to know his grandmothers. So Grandma Shannon "adopted" him as a grandson. She is the only great grandmother I have ever known.
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Anna, I've been adopting people like that for a long time - it's a good thing. We can all stand to have more loving people in our lives. I like how you call it near-uncle and near-grandmother. It's a good way of phrasing it.
Sorry about the squicky guy. Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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I had two near grandmothers, and have a near aunt and near cousins, I'd never worded it that way, but it's correct. My mom moved from her home town at 19, so her mother in law and her neighbor became her mothers, when her first husband died, it stayed the same, so the first mother in law was my grandmother as well as my half brother's.
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but to have him maybe help you come up with subtle ways to deflect this.![[No No]](graemlins/nono.gif)
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