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» Hatrack River Forum » Active Forums » Books, Films, Food and Culture » I am in desperate need of some advice.

   
Author Topic: I am in desperate need of some advice.
Peter
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Ok, i need to know what hatrackers would do if they were in my situation.


I know this girl who goes to my church, her name is Jessica, or Jess. she is 12 or 13 years old, i can't think of which right now, but it's the general range which is important.

A few years ago, Jess's cousin molested and raped several people in his family, including Jess. he waas probably 15 years old at the time, if that. Her cousin has now been brought to trial, and basically got off without much but parole. This may seem like the worst of it, but it's not. 3 months after he was caught, a boy who lives near Jess began doing the same thing to her. this has been going on for nearly 6 months (if my memory is correct) and she has told her parents, but they do not believe her. She came to me telling me about this, and i instantly died inside, i knew about her cousin, but i thought the worst was over. To find out that someone else has been doing this to her burns me up to no end. The new boy, whose name is anthony, is a freshman in school. He is raping a 13 year old girl in 7th grade, this disgusts me and it takes everything i have no to kick the crap out of this kid.

I have already told her to stay with someone at all time, and if he ever calls her house (there was one point in time where he called her over 10 times a day) again, she should leave the messages as proof. I told her she should tell someone, but she is afraid, and doesn't think anyone will believe her. I would do anything for this girl, i have come to think of her as a younger sister. I really need to know what to do. Any thoughts or opinions would be greatly appreciated, as woulds prayers.

For those wondering about the validity of these claims, i have talked to her best friend, and she believes it. Also she has told one other guy at my church with no differences in the tales.

If you would like, i will post my email address for anyone who would like to send something to Jess.
banana_boy23@hotmail.com

Please, help me.

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Dagonee
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The immediate advice is to continue to not beat this guy up. In fact, have nothing to do with him whatsoever.

Second, call 1-800-656-HOPE, the Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network (RAINN). They will tell you what you can do much better than we can.

Dagonee

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MaydayDesiax
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Have her call the cops.

I've had friends in the same situation (two friends by the same boy), who did not want to call the police, although I wanted them to so badly.

If her parents don't believe her, screw them. She's going to have to be strong, but good friends like you and her friend will be able to help.

(((jess and Peter)))

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Dagonee
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I need to clarify: YOU should call the RAINN number and explain the situation. They will tell you how to help her.
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Dagonee
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quote:
Have her call the cops.
Ultimately I agree with you Mayday, but it's very important how he goes about this. She has had all sense of control ripped from her; Peter needs help in talking to her without trying or seeming to control her.

And Peter, good for you for taking on this responsibility.

Dagonee

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dread pirate romany
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Please, please, do everything you can to have her call the cops. This cannot continue. try to get her to talk to the youth pastor at your church.

((((Jess))))

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Amka
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All I can say is that not believing her is one of the worst ways a parent can react. A lot of being able to overcome this problem is being able to feel accepted and safe, and being given opportunity and time to heal. I'm suprised they don't actually know this, if it was a problem in their family before. Therapy should have given the parents skills in how to deal with it. Victim reparation will usually pay for that kind of therapy. But too many parents would rather deny that anything horrible has happened than deal with it. It is likely they didn't even bother with therapy at the time.

I would definately encourage this girl to report. Typically, these kinds of crimes are not isolated to one person. There is a pattern. Tell her that it is not only for her, but for every other person this kid could have hurt, could be hurting, or could hurt in the future. She can help them now by reporting him.

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Amka
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I second what Dagonee said. And I think that by showing her she can help others by reporting him will help her feel powerful, and help her understand that by taking power from him to hurt others, she is reasserting her control over herself...

[ February 14, 2005, 04:25 PM: Message edited by: Amka ]

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Jay
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For sure. Get the authorities involved. Hope it all works out.
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Peter
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things i meant to say the first time but forgot to:



I should let you all know, i had the oppurtunity, almost a year ago, to talk to her cousin, but at that point i did not understand how severe what he had done was, also, i had, up until that time, had a farelly good relationship with him. i may just be trying to make up for my shortcomings then, but i really feel the need to do something soon.

Also, i really wish i could see Jess on a daily basis, but scheduling doesn't really allow that to happen. i usually only get to see her Sundays and wednesdays.

Thank you all for your help.

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Farmgirl
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This is shocking. Did they not get her counseling after the FIRST incident, which would help prepare her for similar situations and what to do? I am aghast that her parents don't believe her!

Yeah -- what Dag said is the best advice.

Farmgirl

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Dagonee
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Repeat victimization by different perpetrators is unfortunately not rare in these situations. [Frown]

These predators have finely honed instincts. Hopefully he'll get what's coming to him soon enough. Unfortunately, many judges underestimate the impact of the crime on the victim.

These criminals aren't sick, they're sickening.

Dagonee

[ February 14, 2005, 08:14 PM: Message edited by: Dagonee ]

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Amka
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Considering

a) she is a victim again
b) her fears about not being believed
C) her hesitation with reporting the incident to someone with authority,

my guess is that her parents did not get her therapy the first time.

The crime itself makes me very angry. But I have to admit, I'm almost more angry at parents who refuse to deal with stuff like this.

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Kwea
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I wouldn;t try to find anything out yourself, but I think that even if you can't get her to go to the authorities herself, you need to do so.

Call the number Dag gave you, and listen to them if what they are saying makes sense.

Under no circumstances do anything to him, or even approch him.

And get help to her before he does something even worse.

Kwea

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rivka
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Dags, I think you clicked the wrong smilie up there . . .

Peter, call the hotline. They've dealt with stuff like this before, they'll help you help Jess.

(((((Jess))))) (((((Peter)))))

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Dagonee
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Yes, Kwea's right - at some point you will have to go to the police if she won't. I'm counting on RAINN to help you figure out when and how that should be done.

[ February 14, 2005, 08:15 PM: Message edited by: Dagonee ]

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Dagonee
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quote:
Dags, I think you clicked the wrong smilie up there . . .
[Angst] You're right. I fixed it - normally when someone points out a mistake I'll leave it, but not in a thread like this with a mistake like that.

Thanks.

Dagonee

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rivka
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*nod* And I try not to nitpick, but I figured I wouldn't be the only one doing a major double-take on this one.
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Peter
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guys (and girls) thank you so much, i'll call that hotline.

For those concerned with the parents, here's the story behind them:

They worked in an IGA (Independent Grocers Association) which her father owned until about a year ago, when it went bankrupt and put them out of a job. He has become a janitor at the highschool, and she is now training to become a nurse. They have a 17-18 year old daughter who has more troubles than i could list here, and two other daughters they need to take care of. They are low on money and living with her parents.

I don't mean to excuse their actions, but i can understand why they would find it more convenient to brush this off as a way to get some attention.

Thank you all very much for your help.

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