Seriously, I'd be hurt and angry. I'd be filled with questions about every single promise that she ever made to me. When did this revelation happen? Do you still love me? What are your plans? The anger and upheaval would be devastating.
I dislike answering for my wife but I would assume that she would have a similar response.
posted
This is a tough one. Toughest of all, I think. If people get married, they expect their spouse to be attracted to them. In MOST situations, that attraction is expected to be exclusive (not just only people of my gender, but nobody else but me). I know there are other arrangements possible out there, and as long as everyone goes into it with eyes open and making decisions as responsible adults, I have no problem.
But in the situation you describe, I am assuming this announcement would come as a complete surprise. In that case, I think the reaction one could expect would be the seven stages of grief, or five stages, or however many stages we're counting this week.
And, seriously, I'd expect it to end in separation and eventual divorce.
I know that wouldn't be the case in 100% of instances, but I bet it's darn close. Even for couples who don't plan to have children or for whom sexual relations are a secondary consideration.
It would just be so much of a shock and seem like such a betrayal that I couldn't imagine the person on the receiving end of this news taking it at all well.
As for the person dishing out the news, I expect it'd be very hard and that part of the reason they'd want to tell is that it is just eating them up inside. Feeling like they are living a lie. Wanting to try out their newly discovered (or admitted) status and sexuality. The announcement would, I think, be a real watershed event that would carry with it something implicit like "I'm ready to move on."
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posted
Uh... nobody would think to ask the obvious question, "but are you still attracted to me?"
If the answer is yes, who cares if they're just as attracted to the opposite sex as you are? It doesn't imply inevitable infidelity.
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posted
It's happened a couple times with girlfriends. I'd rather that than leaving me for another man or just because they don;t like me any more, it makes more sense that way.
With a spouse, it would be a more serious event, but I think I'd still rather that than leaving me for most other reasons.
Just less of a blow to the ego, I guess.
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posted
First of all, this is assuming a heterosexual marriage.
I *think* (I say think because I do not have a spouse, I barely remember what it's like to have a S.O.) I would (try to) be honored that they had spent time being married to me. It takes a good amount of respect for a person to marry them without really being attracted to them in a sexual way. What a high compliment that is!
Of course, this is easy for me to say completely hypothetically. I would probably question everything I ever knew about myself and my marriage. I have a friend who broke up with a wonderful girl because he realized he was gay. He didn't tell her the reason right away, he didn't tell anyone until he told me a couple months later. So I have seen this situation from the other side and would be able to feel better knowing how much he really did care for this girl and thought she was attractive.
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I would feel that all the time we had spent together (and the whole marriage thing) contained a promise that they loved me and that part of that love was sexual.
If they were bisexual, my feelings would be less clear. I certainly couldn't cope knowing they weren't attracted to me.
And if they were unfaithful (with either gender)our marriage would need a lot of work for it to continue.
I suspect if Tony told me he was gay (I don't think it's likely though )we would separate.
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quote:If the answer is yes, who cares if they're just as attracted to the opposite sex as you are? It doesn't imply inevitable infidelity.
I suspect that even the least possessive person who is nonetheless committed to a monogamous relationship would have a hard time dealing with a spouse's homosexual attractions, even if they are not acted on.
There are lots of reasons for this: - The nagging thought that one's life-partner is unfulfilled would not inspire confidence in the future of the relationship.
- Even if one believes that their partner enjoys sex with them, it'd be difficult to think about that person having urges or thoughts that don't even begin to include him/her.
- I think there's a feeling of "well, heck I can't even compete with THAT" if ones spouse starts having homoerotic fantasies or activities.
Hearing that your spouse is "still attracted" to you is, for most of us, not going to be enough reassurance in this circumstance. Most of us truly do want monogamy and want to be the object of our spouse's desires. So maybe that's not realistic. But it is sort of assumed in most relationships (forsaking all others, etc., etc.). As I said, if all those involved understand what's going on and go into it knowing the situation, it can probably work out okay. But finding out after the fact, when the relationship has been established along a set pattern is going to be devastating for most of the folks it happens to. On both sides of the revelation, I think.
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posted
Umm...one of my friends had this happen with her mom and dad. Yeah, that wasn't fun.
Her dad decided after two kids that he was gay and they got a divorce. I'm sure there is more to it, but I met my friend after the event so my knowledge of the details is fairly small. But I do know that my friend (the daughter) doesn't get along well with the father, the son is friends with him, and the mother only sees him occasionally at church and holidays.
I think I would feel confused and betrayed if it happened to me. I just don't know what I would do. Gosh.
posted
I must admit, I am surprised at the intensity of the answers given here. I remember finding out that my first love was attracted to men and maybe even preferred men. That was difficult for me, very difficult, though I found out a couple years after we had gone our separate ways.
But I thought back to our relationship, and I knew that he was attracted to me, specifically to my femaleness. There was no doubt of that in my mind.
I would expect that if my husband revealed to me that he was attracted to males, it wouldn't bother me all that much. Knowing what I know, I *know* he is attracted to me and we have a good relationship. But I also know that it is natural for a married person to experience attraction to other people. In this case it would just be men as well as or instead of other women. Big deal.
What would be difficult for me is if he was no longer commited to our relationship because he wanted to follow these desires. *That* would really rip me apart. But there could be many reasons for that to happen besides homosexual attraction.
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posted
I would probably tell him that I expected him to still fulfill his obligations as a husband and a father. We would work something out, but I would expect him to maintain his committment to his family.
I would also ask if this meant he had been unfaithful to me in practice, or only thought of it. If the former, first I'd make sure he'd been using protection-- and then I'd probably make him go get tested for diseases anyway (and do the same myself). If he had decieved me once, I wouldn't trust him not to decieve me again. In either case, it would be time to drop the baby with my mother-in-law and go see the Bishop. I would feel hurt, but I would still love him. I would hope he still had some kind of feeling for me, and I'd know he still loved his child(ren). So, we would try to make it work, and I would expect him not to act on these desires. I would hope we were both strong enough to do that, however hard.
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posted
This situation isn's all that uncommon, especially among religious people. There is a tremendous amount of pressure for gay men to marry women and to blend into the religious community. This is exacerbated by the idea that homosexuality is just a temptation that the individual has to overcome. After all, if I'm not gay but only tempted by impure thoughts involving men then maybe getting married will make it better.
I was counseled along those lines when I was struggling with my own sexuality, and was even told by my bishop that should I find someone to marry it would be better not to "burden" my future wife with any mention of my temptations. Even at the time this struck me as singularly ill-advised counsel.
I'm sure that this type of revalation would be a horrible experience to go through, on either end.
Posts: 6394 | Registered: Dec 1999
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posted
Oh, man. I can't believe your Bishop told you that. If I found out that my husband knew he was gay, and married me without telling me that, I would be a lot angrier than if he realized he was gay after we had been married a while.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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quote:I was counseled along those lines when I was struggling with my own sexuality, and was even told by my bishop that should I find someone to marry it would be better not to "burden" my future wife with any mention of my temptations. Even at the time this struck me as singularly ill-advised counsel.
This is hands down the horrifying story I've ever heard. If I found out that my husband knew, before we were married, about something would throw sucha gigantic obstacle in the way of our marriage, I'd be absolutely furious. Furious that he'd kept that from me, and even more angry that he didn't give me the choice of whether or not I wanted to marry someone who was struggling with that. Not only was that advice bad for you, Karl (*patpat* Just lie for the rest of your life.), it's so cruel to the potential wife it takes my breath away.
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posted
I'd be worried about what else that bishop was counseling people to say/not say or to do/not do.
I know a woman who was counseled by her minister (I've forgotten which church -- some Evangelical Christian denomination or other, but I don't remember which), that she should stay with her physically abusive husband who was cheating with various women in the congregation. Under a rare set of circumstances, I could see where this might be good advice, but when the abuse is ongoing? And affecting the kids?
I think women get different advice than men in these situations also. I doubt very much that the advice to a lesbian would be to hide that fact from potential husbands. Am I mistaken here?
I really think this is one of those areas where conservative religious groups have a double standard.
I don't have any experience with LDS, so please don't take this as an extension of what that bishop said to KarlEd. I do, however, think that women and men are treated differently in the advice given by leaders in conservative Christian denominations. It's been my experience, anyway.
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posted
I don't know if they are or not, but I do love that there isn't a double standard for expected sexual behavior in the church. I've never heard any stories about advice given to a woman who was struggling with this, but I do know that men are held to the same moral standards as women are.
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posted
I'd be willing to bet that KarlEd's bishop would have given the same advice to a girl experiencing same-sex attraction. It isn't about a double standard so much as the focus on creating families in heterosexual marriages. The "pressure" is applied equally to the sexes, if not more so on the men since we live in a society where men tend to instigate the marriage proposal.
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posted
This happened to my Dad's girlfriend. She was married to a guy for 10 years or so, they had two kids, and he walks in one day and says "honey, I'm gay and I'm leaving". Dad told me that for his new girlfriend it was like a death or a murder...except that the person who "died" was the same person who "killed" him.
I suppose that might be the same for any divorce were one spouse has no clue what's coming.
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posted
The dishonesty part is what gets to me. Why would a bishop advise someone to hide something like that from a potential spouse? Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
Yeah, I think the devistation is more in being left or not being loved anymore than it is the homosexuality. Whatever the reason for it, the one left behind will wonder if they are somehow to blame.
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posted
It's the death of dreams - the death of the family as a unit. It has to make a person question everything about their life if someone that close to them and that much of a part of them turns out to have been hiding something so big. There's a song from Chess that I just love - Someone Else's Story. I think it would be a big enough event that it would feel like it was someone else's story. You'd have to figure out who you are all over again.
I think in the normal course of life that does happen, and sometimes for reasons less devestating that this, but it's still never easy and not everyone makes the transition from Life Plan A to Life Plan B intact.
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posted
I don't know if KarlEd's bishop was heineously wrong in his advice. Let's suppose the following scenario for KarlEd:
He's a five on the spectrum of SSA (as opposed to a 10). After a few years of soul searching, and Evergreen meetings, he gets to a point in his life where he can function well in a monogamous heterosexual relationship. He is committed to being faithful within that relationship, in spite of occasional attractions to other people (male and female, because he's still a 5 or a 6).
Now, would it be useful for the wife to know of his prior, um, struggles should we say? Is it important for the wife of a man who is 10 on the heterosexual scale to know every time he lusts after another woman? If KarlEd is committed to faithfulness with her, why should she need to spend their 60 years together worrying?
Posts: 524 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
Yes, it's wrong. If my husband was struggling enough that he sought help for it, I would want to know. Same thing for if he had been an alcoholic and hadn't had a drink for ten years - I'd still want to know. Not necessarily on the first date, but sometime before we were married.
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posted
If my husband were struggling with the temptation to be unfaithful to me with men or women, even just at a "level 5" amount of struggle, I'd want to know so I could help him, as he knows my struggles with other things and helps me.
posted
I was curious about the "Evergreen" program and the reparative therapy.
I'm not sure how truly helpful the suggestion would be, but it sounds as if a very motivated person could, through this kind of reparative therapy, suppress homosexual feelings somewhat and most likely stop (or avoid) engaging in homosexual behaviors.
It appears from some of the research I found that the majority of people who enter the programs aren't helped (not really surprising), but that those who are among the most motivated can change behavior and even thoughts. The question remains as to "how long."
Some of the research shows a very low long-term success rate, especially if the sample of people interviewed is from the full spectrum, and not cherry-picked for those who are viewed as "most successful" by the church or the program's managers.
My $.02: I would not bother suggesting this kind of thing to anyone unless they expressed a sincere desire to make their heterosexual relationship with an existing spouse work out. I can see how a lot of people might be talked into trying something like Evergreen (or other reparative approaches) but, really, they sound like a recipe for prolonging the unhappiness for anyone who truly isn't highly motivated in the direction of trying to BECOME heterosexual in the first place.
This really is A LOT to ask of someone. Sexual orientation (whether it's genetic or not) is so interconnected with our sense of self that I don't think you'd be doing anyone a favor to "push" them towards a program aimed at changing that aspect of their persona. Unless they really wanted it.
In most cases, I'm betting the most effective response is to let them go and remain a supportive friend rather than a spouse.
I was encouraged to see this on one of the sites:
quote: If your loved one is not already married, do not encourage him or her to marry as a “cure” for homosexuality. President Hinckley wisely counseled, “Marriage should not be viewed as a therapeutic step to solve problems such as homosexual inclinations or practices, which first should clearly be overcome with a firm and fixed determination never to slip to such practices again.” When homosexual difficulties have been fully resolved, heterosexual feelings can emerge, which may lead to happy, eternal marriage relationships.
I don't necessarily agree with the rosy scenario implied, but it seems a lot better than encouraging marriage as a "cure."
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posted
Well, it's good to know they've spoken out against the kind of counsel I was given.
The LDS church has been improving its views on how to deal with homosexuality over the years. Had I been born just a few years earlier, I'd very likely have been steered into some sort of aversion therapy. Thank goodness they don't do that anymore, as least not that I'm aware of.
Posts: 6394 | Registered: Dec 1999
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posted
I was once given some really bad advice by a bishop. My boyfriend and I had just broken up and the bishop asked why. I told him - it was because of unresolved issues dealing with things that occurred in my childhood. Without getting into details, let's just say things that are fairly severe and can cause major problems in all sorts of aspects of a person's life. The bishop then gave me a lecture on how I shouldn't have told the guy until after he was well and hooked, and preferably not until after marriage.
Um, the guy has no right to know that he could be in for a hellride?
Okay, so not the same as the homosexuality thing, but still - really really uninformed and stoopid.
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posted
Hypothetically, I can't really reason out how I'd feel if I were told by my (hypothetical) spouse that they were homosexual, especially if it were something they'd been struggling with for years. Betrayed, abashed, abandoned.. but in a naive way, I think I would be able to understand and accept the situation.
I suppose I've developed a deviant way of looking at sexuality, or atleast my own sexual preferences. I just don't discern by sex with the individuals I find attractive, it's just a person-by-person thing. It's hard to explain, although it's an incredibly simple concept.
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posted
One of my friends divorced her first husband because he was gay. I guess they were both in denial for a long time; she's said that she knew that they didn't love each other as a husband and wife should even on their wedding day. They have a child together who doesn't know his dad is gay.
I feel terrible for her. She has moved on in her life, but from things she says I can tell that she's been left with a lot of questions over her own self-worth and sexual attractiveness.
If I were gay, I wouldn't have married my spouse. If my husband told me he were gay, I'd ask for an amicable divorce. I'm sure I'd still love him, but sexuality is an important part of marriage, and I think we'd have a difficult time not having a sexual connection. And that's not even touching the betrayal aspect and all the other feelings that go along with that.
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)we would separate.
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She has moved on in her life, but from things she says I can tell that she's been left with a lot of questions over her own self-worth and sexual attractiveness. 
