posted
If you wish to send an entry, please send to smokingman@gmail.com. This is the last round I will accept submissions, then we go on to a new set, and authors who have submitted something already, will have a chance to submit again.
If you send it to the one in my profile, no prob, I'll get it too, but will be less organized, so smokingman@gmail.com is best.
4 points for a critique and a guess 2 points for a guess and a rationale 2 more points if your guess with a critique/rational is correct 1 point for critiquing yourself -10 points for a guess without rationale or critique
Once you have a critique down, you get points for it. If you make a rational guess, but are incorrect you have to do a rational again, or at least say "for same reasons I stated before". You do not get points for a critique or rational for saying "what he said". You have to at least say what that person said in your own words for credit.
You can critique your own work for one point, but you can not give away you are the author. If you want, you can try to be sneaky and guess other people, with a rational, but you won't get points for it.
Heres the Guess list (not all names are entries):
Astaril Advice For Robots Annie BannaOJ Beatnix Belle Bob_Scopatz Brinestone Celia Chris Bridges Da_Goat Dan_Raven Dante dkw Dragon eslaine Eaquea Legit Elizabeth Icarus imogen Irami JamGodJeff JaneX jeniwren Jenny Gardener Jon Boy Kat Kwea LadyDay LadyDove Leonide Little_Doctor Ludosti Mackillian Morbo Noemon Nick Orange7Penguin Orson Scott Card (it's possible!!) Papa Moose Pooka/Trisha quidscribis Raia Rivka Ryuko Sarahdipity SarcasticMuppet Saxon75 ScottR sndrake Strider T_Smith Teshi The Pixiest Troubadour TomDavidson Twinky
posted
It was not my day to be with D'Nys, but he took leave from D'Nas Kan to spend some time with me in his Sabotta, the part of his house that wives did not enter without permission. I had entered it before only to clean it, and so the space was not unfamiliar but I was afraid to touch anything. There was only a single bed but he lifted me like a new bride and carried me there kissing me like a thirsty man at an oasis.
"My sweet Piida, I was so proud of you today." He said, setting me down, then feeling his low back.
"D'Nas, you romantic fool." I said, jumping up to help him.
"No no, I'm fine" He protested. "I'm here to serve you." He took my sandals from my feet and began to rub them.
"But it is D'Nas Kan's day. I thought you just wanted to talk, or consult the Voice of Eden."
"We will have orders through D'Don soon enough. But I will not feel this young everyday."
"But I thought this place was sacred."
"What is more sacred than my love for my own wife?" He said.
Posts: 9754 | Registered: Jul 2002
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The Guessed and Noed List AFR Annie twinky T_Smith sndrake LadyDove rivka LadyDay PapaMoose Orange7Penguin Little Doctor Chris Bridges Astaril TomDavidson Da_Goat Dan_Raven Belle Eslaine Teshi Morbo Brinestone JaneX
The Guessed and Waiting-on-Nate List Noemon Strider pooka
The D'__ thing is a bit annoying. Not to mention confusing -- even the author mixed up a couple. First "It was not my day to be with D'Nys," but later she calls him "D'Nas, you romantic fool."
The piece is interesting enough that I would like to see more . . . but so short that it doesn't give me much of a feel for what's going on. What is here reads a bit, forgive me, like formulaic SF. (in-your-face different naming patterns, multiple wives, "orders" from some authority)
Uh . . . I really have NO idea, although I have a niggling feeling that the author is male. AFR?
posted
I feel that the section presented is a good example of the combination of Romance Novel and SF Novel. Publishers have been asking for this for years, and I believe we are beginning to see the results. For better or for worse.
The line that cracked me up the most was:
quote: There was only a single bed but he lifted me like a new bride and carried me there kissing me like a thirsty man at an oasis.
Other than a few typos, I found it readable, however. I think my wife would like this story.
As for reasoning of my guess, I'd like to think Annie. Don't ask me why. Just a gut thingy, the passage seems deceptive somehow....
Posts: 410 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
SF and romance combos have been available for decades. Actually, they were very popular in the 60s. Anne McCaffrey's Restoree comes to mind. They were out of favor for a while, but experienced a revival in the 90s (which is how McCaffrey's short from the 60s, Thorn Birds of Barevi became the novel Freedom's Landing in the 90s).
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
Yeah, but not in the volume that I think is starting to happen now.
A couple of years ago, while researching what publishers were looking for, I ran across many such requests.
Posts: 410 | Registered: Apr 2005
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But the important thing to remember is that these books, in general, suck.
The passage isn't bad, but as has been pointed out, some of the deliberate sci-fi weirdness winds up feeling like deliberate sci-fi weirdness; it doesn't feel like a product of any natural evolution, but rather a conscious design. (Of course, this is contingent upon where in the story this snippet occurs, too.)
I get the feeling that the author is one of those "sensitive male" types, rather than an actual woman. I'm going to guess twinky.Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
Eenteresting. Although this piece is well written, like rivka says it's a little stereotypical. However, a lot of things may seem to be stereotypical and actually end up being very new or different. From this short segement it's difficult to tell.
If this is the beginning of the story, you migh want to cut your first sentence in half. Right now it's long and somewhat confusing and is already introducing a new word, the "Sabotta". You could split the sentence into two.
The next sentence is a bit wiggly. I think your 'but' is in the wrong place.
quote: I had entered it before only to clean it, and so the space was not unfamiliar but I was afraid to touch anything.
Could become:
quote: I had entered it before but only to clean it, and so although the space was not unfamiliar, I was afraid to touch anything.
Because your writing is flowy and formal, the 'although' is not out of place.
quote: "My sweet Piida, I was so proud of you today." He said,
Your speech should look like
quote: "My sweet Piida...today," he said,
with a comma instead of a period. The same goes for all the speech in the piece. Unless the speech is followed by an action, like:
"The monkeys are singing this morning." He pointed up into the tree.
The first bit of speech is followed by a comma.
quote: or consult the Voice of Eden."
Again, if this is the beginning of the story, although it's okay to throw in random unexplained new words like "Voice of Eden" it would be better to provide the reader with some tiny glimpse of what this Voice of Eden actually is.
Overall, I like the writing. You are clear and your flow is good .
I cannot decide if this is a man writing as a woman or a woman. I'm going to guess LadyDove, because her name is kind of in the same flavour as this story.
rivka: I like Freedom's Landing and sequels. I never thought of it as a romance before, only "including love". Huh.
Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
Teshi, I love the Freedom books (ok, except for a few bits that made me throw things). But there's no question (in my mind, at least) that certain scenes could almost have come straight out of a romance novel -- well, if your average romance hero had cat-like features. Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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I tend to gloss over bits sometimes when I read, but I certainly enjoy/ed them. The were definately not as detailed as some other books I've read that weren't even trying to be romances! Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
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What? You guys haven't guessed correctly yet, and there haven't been many suggestions since the last confirmation. Posts: 9754 | Registered: Jul 2002
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posted
I'll guess rivka, for the same reason I guessed Annie last time. She's anxious for someone to guess so she can respond to critiques! (She was also the first to reply... )
As for a critique: I like how the characters' personalities come out even in this short bit. D'Nys is obviously somewhat of a rebellious, passionate type and the narrator is a cautious, by-the-book sort and so forth. I have to agree though, there's a little too much D'___ right away for me. It might work if introduced slowly and used sparingly, but not so much right away like this.
posted
I could not get past the names in this piece. I really have trouble reading when I'm not sure how to pronounce things, I'm one of those folks that has a strong auditory component to their reading.
D'Nys, D'Nas, D'Don - not only hard to pronounce but too similar to keep straight. It appears even the author messed them up. (yeah, I know I'm repeating some of what rivka and others already said)
Agreed on the formulaic feel.
Also, I'm very confused - the last line seems to indicate that this Piida is his wife, yet in the first paragraph she says she has only been in the wives' area before to clean it.
"He said, setting me down, then feeling his low back." As mentioned before, this should not be a separate sentence.
The positioning is not clear, I don't have a good view of where the characters are. First we have him setting her down, and apparently hurting his back. She jumps up to help him - so now we picture her standing, but in the very next exchange he's removing her sandals. Did she sit back down on the bed? Or lie down? Is he kneeling now to remove her sandals or leaning over her?
In a well-written love scene, physical positioning is very important - we need to know where the characters are in relation to their environment and to each other.
I'm not sure if I can come up with a good rationale for a guess. I don't think this person has ever read OSC's Characters and Viewpoint because the author violated just about every rule that OSC put in there about naming characters - make them pronounceable, don't start two main characters' names with the same letter, resist the temptation to make SciFi names too exotic, etc. That rules out a lot of people that I'm pretty sure have read the book (unless of course, the author read it and then just ignored OSC's advice)
This critique may sound pretty harsh so I think I should mention there are some positives in here. The male character shows signs of being human, not invincible. In your typical romance novel, the male character would never have a weak back and certainly wouldn't show it if he did. The relationship appears to have more than blind passion - there is caring for each other, a willingless to serve one another. It's got possibilities, certainly.
At any rate, I'm going to take a guess for someone that I'm not all that familiar with: Orange7Penguin?Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
My critiques are along the same lines as what has already been said. Something as simple as names can make a big difference in whether or not people will take your writing seriously. I'm a rather lingustic person, and the D' fad really irks me. The weird American convention of setting a letter aside with an apostrophe that then says its name is totally artificial and, superficially at least, an indicator of linguistic ignorance to me. It comes, I'm guessing, from French names like D'Artagnan, which are pronounced similarly to English contractions - the apostrophe is simply standing in for letters and doesn't change pronunciation at all. In other languages, usually those with non-Roman alphabets, transliteration conventions sometimes use apostrophes as glottal stops. But I know of no legitimate uses of the apostrophe that would allow me to even begin to know how to pronounce something like D'Dan.
This really has very little to do with your piece - it's more of an apology for my outrage at this weird convention that crops up lately. I feel honestly sorry for children I meet named D'Arcy (a real French name; but when it's pronounced Dee-Arcy, it's not) and C'Ara, and I have an automatic prejudice toward their parents. I shall work on that.
The piece flows well, and with a few tweaks (I don't think he should be "feeling" his lower back, he should be massaging or cradling or something more specific) could be very readable. I hope, however, that it's not an introductory paragraph. I hate when introductory paragraphs are an off-handed attempt to explain a social system all at once. I'd rather see a scene open with something to warm me up - a description of scenery or the weather or something more human - before I have to start deciphering alien civilizations.
I'm really not familiar with anyone's writing that this resembles, so I'll guess someone I don't know as well: Little Doctor
posted
I like it. I agree that the names are confusing, and I suggest a different naming pattern that doesn't involve apostrophes and alliteration. But I enjoyed the dialogue and the characterization that took place in such a short passage.
I'm going to guess Chris Bridges.
Posts: 5957 | Registered: Oct 2001
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(No. 6, I already guessed Lady Day and Lady Dove)
EDIT: Of course we're all waiting here and have been waiting for rather a long time but I'm such a paitient person I would never dream of trying to attract attention!
posted
Also, No.9, I object to you guessing me based on the fact that it sounded deceptive. Deceptive! Honestly, folks. Is this the face of someone who would purposely deceive you?
Posts: 285 | Registered: Apr 2005
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No kids here this morning. I slept in. *stretches*
I think my lists (first post after T's) are currently up-to-date. No promises to keep them that way; I'll be in and out all day.
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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So are we supposed to say if it is or isn't us when people guess? Or do we have to wait for T_Smith to do the honours? I'm going to assume he'd like it if I saved him getting yelled at for not answering soon enough about me so nope. Sorry, Teshi. Nice logic, though. If I were named, say, D'Astaril, it would have been a *sure* bet.
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