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I am told I look like her, except for my hair. I wish I could be like her, to comfort my family and myself. I was her favourite, her only granddaughter. Now she can’t remember my name.
My grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimers in 1995. She has grown steadily worse since then. In 2001, she went into a nursing home. My grandfather couldn’t care for her any more. Recently she forgot how to swallow. She is off her medication now. We don’t know how long she has left; it could be tomorrow, it could be five months from now. But to me, the Gram I used to know, the Gram I loved, died four years ago. What I see now is a shell of her old self.
I miss the gram she used to be; the gram who read to me, comforted me, gave me sweets. Whenever I went over to her cottage, she would always have a Werthers candy out waiting for me.
I made an impromptu speech at her and my Gramps’s 50th anniversary party, and am very glad I did. She knew I loved her; I still do, with all my heart.
She was so proud of me, and all my accomplishments. When I was five, I made a nametag for myself in Arts and Crafts at a camp I went to. I gave it to her, and she hung it on a light in her cottage living room. I recently went into the cottage again, which hasn’t been used since she went to the home. It was still there, hanging from the same fixture, faded almost beyond recognition. I cried for a long time.
I sometimes think it is my fault. I don’t know how, but I feel so bad when I see my dad crying, my mom with that blank stare on her face. I wish I could make it better, but all I can do is join them in their misery.
Now all I have left of her are a few photos, some memories, and a glass bowl that she gave me. These past years have been horrible for my family and I, waiting, waiting for something to happen.
It has been just lately that I have started to cry. Cry for her; cry for the years that we should have had, that were stolen from us. Every day I wait for the call that she is gone; every day so far it has not come through. In a way, I want her to die, to end the pain she must be in; that my family is in. In another way, I want her back; my gram. In the last way, I don’t know what to do.
If I am ever diagnosed with Alzheimers, remind me to kill myself. I never want to put anyone I love through the agony of waiting, never knowing.
I dont know what else to say. I am no great writer, and this may be a badly written, confusing piece, but it helped to write it all out. Thank you, Hatrack.
posted
5{ hat was beautifully written, and a very, very valid way to feel in this sort of a situation. It's a hard thing to go through. I went through it with both my Grandmothers, one with Parkinson's, one just old age.
Know that it's not your fault. It's life, and your parents and other family members know that, too. It's not a fun part of life, but it's a part of life.
Cry when you need to, and stay strong when you can. Don't forget to live your life while your Grandmother's is fading... it's the right thing to do, and it's what she'd want you to do. There is a time to mourn, but it's not forever.
Stay strong, give your parents what support you can, but know that you can't carry their burdens for them. And lean on us when you need to, we're here.
posted
Des, I am so sorry for the loss of your gram, both for her death and the years lost to Alzheimer's. My heart goes out to you. Much peace and getleness to you and your family as you grieve her loss. Posts: 2711 | Registered: Mar 2004
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Dessy- (((Dessy))) I'm sorry! Why didn't you tell me earlier? You should have! I'm sorry! Try not to mope about it to long, moping only makes it worse.
Posts: 6026 | Registered: Dec 2004
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Please let me know if there's anything I can do for you, ok? My e-mail and IM are in my profile... I'm so sorry, sweetie. I lost a grandmother about four years ago, as well. Now my grandfather is very ill, and it's only a matter of time. So I understand what you're going through. Much love and hugs to you and yours.
Posts: 7877 | Registered: Feb 2003
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Dessy- You should let everyone at VBS know. You're loved over there too. Maybe we can do something special. I've lost all of my great-grandparents and my grandpa has had cancer three times and should die anytime soon.
Posts: 6026 | Registered: Dec 2004
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Well, the memorial service was yesterday. I didn't end up crying, but I was close a few times. I cried afterwards, however. I hate seeing my family like this. Alzheimers is a horrible disease.
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(((Dessy))) I'm sorry, but, as my father always says, "At least now, they aren't in pain any longer. I'd rather they have a quick, painless death than have to suffer. In any event, they're in a much better place." I don't know if that helps anything.....
Posts: 6026 | Registered: Dec 2004
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(((((Kate))))) Even though the Gram you knew "died four years ago," it must still be hard for all of you. It's hard to lose anyone you love, and especially hard if you lose them twice. (((((Kate)))))
Posts: 4174 | Registered: Sep 2003
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