FacebookTwitter
Hatrack River Forum Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Forum » Active Forums » Books, Films, Food and Culture » My New Favorite Amazon Reviewer

   
Author Topic: My New Favorite Amazon Reviewer
docmagik
Member
Member # 1131

 - posted      Profile for docmagik   Email docmagik         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
This guy makes me want to delete every review I ever wrote and start over.
Posts: 1885 | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Synesthesia
Member
Member # 4774

 - posted      Profile for Synesthesia   Email Synesthesia         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
He gave high marks to Baby Geniuses... That movie looks so stupid, plus babies doing unnatural things squicks me out.
Posts: 9938 | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MattB
Member
Member # 1116

 - posted      Profile for MattB   Email MattB         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I admire the burning passion behind his antipathy to Peter Cetera. Everyone should have an irrationally chosen celebrity nemesis.
Posts: 794 | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Xavier
Member
Member # 405

 - posted      Profile for Xavier   Email Xavier         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Like any child who grew up watching Adam West's Batman, I was instantly disappointed with Tim Burton's vision for the character. For me, Batman represents that shining beacon of hope to the hopeless, and he always seems concerned for the safety of others. At least, he used to. Sadly, it seems that Batman is gone, along with Robin, the Batboat, the Batpoles, the Batcopter, and classic villains like Egghead and Louie the Lilac.

In their place, we get a Batman who relies on gadgets more than brains, a Joker who hardly ever laughs, and fight scenes without the trademark "Pow"s and "Zap"s. It may have a decent story, but I'll always look at this big-budget bust as a missed opportunity.

Good god. Did he really want a "Zap" "Pow!" "Crash!" version of batman on the big screen? Oh the horror!

And anyone who leaves a review for a movie he hasn't even seen is a dill-hole. (Texas Chainsaw Massacre)

Posts: 5656 | Registered: Oct 1999  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MattB
Member
Member # 1116

 - posted      Profile for MattB   Email MattB         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
*whispers* I think he's being tongue in cheek. I mean, he criticized 'Police Academy' for its inaccuracy, and 'Animal House' for glorifying recklessness.
Posts: 794 | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Xavier
Member
Member # 405

 - posted      Profile for Xavier   Email Xavier         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well then...

Perhaps I should get my sense of humor checked out? Maybe when I am at the doctors' next...

Posts: 5656 | Registered: Oct 1999  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Peter
Member
Member # 4373

 - posted      Profile for Peter   Email Peter         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I can't believe he crapped on Willy Wonka!!! That movie freakin rocks!!!!
Posts: 283 | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MattB
Member
Member # 1116

 - posted      Profile for MattB   Email MattB         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
And really, I'd pay to see a Batman movie with "Pow"s. And with Egghead. I loved that guy.
Posts: 794 | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
docmagik
Member
Member # 1131

 - posted      Profile for docmagik   Email docmagik         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Some samples:

From the negative review of Spinal Tap

quote:
I guess my real complaint is with the filmmakers, as I'm wondering why they chose to cover such a little-known group when there were perfectly acceptable alternatives: Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, Eddie Money, and/or Motorhead. Spinal Tap may have been an interesting story, but they're hardly a band worth making immortal through film.
From a negatvie review of Fellowship Of The Ring:

quote:
I tried to watch this acclaimed film from Director JRR Tolkein, but it was too visually static and flat. Perhaps Tolkein was too close to the project, having written the books and all - turning the films over to someone with a more discerning eye might have been a better move. Whatever it was, the film would still have not succeeded without a larger budget. I will definitely be missing the next two. Stick with the books, Mr. Tolkien.
From a negative review of Ágætis Byrjun:

quote:
I tried hard to love this album, but frankly, I couldn't. Sure, the music was beautiful, but I simply could NOT understand a word the singer sang. I even recorded it onto my computer and tried to play it backwards. No luck. I'm someone who loves lyrics, words, and the message they give us. How good a song would "I Love Candy" be without words? Or "Too Shy"? Exactly.

Needless to say, until the singer learns to annunciate, I'll be looking elsewhere.

From his positive review of the Easy Bake Oven:

quote:
One day, I decided to try the oven's magical powers on the perfect food, the ham-and-cheese Hot Pocket. Bad idea. After a few short minutes, my Pocket was a charred mess and the inside of the oven was coated with hot ham and cheese. It may sound delicious, but it was the final breath for my oven. It hasn't worked right since - now my guests complain that my tiny cookies and cakes "taste like meat".
His negative review of Spaced Invaders:

quote:
This "comedy" has all the laughs of Schindler's List. What is billed as a fun-filled extravaganza ends up an exercise in sheer horror, as we are forced to watch aliens descend on a hapless rural town. This movie is very scary and probably would have been even more so if I had possessed enough guts to watch the last half hour.

Horror fans only.

From the negative review of Gone With The Wind:

quote:
What I can't understand was the filmmakers' insistence on turning a nice period piece into an exploitation movie. I'm talking, of course, about the swearing by Clark Gable near the movie's end. Why? What was the point? Were the film's producers so dead set on pushing the envelope that they felt they had to degrade the movie in such a way? Imagine the Munchkins or Glenda from "The Wizard of Oz" saying such a thing. It's unimaginable.
Edit: Also, pretty much any post on this page.

[ June 15, 2005, 11:34 PM: Message edited by: docmagik ]

Posts: 1885 | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
RoyHobbs
Member
Member # 7594

 - posted      Profile for RoyHobbs   Email RoyHobbs         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
This is his 5-star review of DREAM STREET: LIVE
on DVD.


quote:
"It must have been quite a show, December 17, 2004
I'll always have several regrets in my life: dumping my high school sweetheart Shonda, buying Traitor Cetera's solo CDs after he left Chicago, and never seeing Dream Street live on stage. Sure, I had the CDs, the shirt, the posters. . .but it wasn't the same. It can never be the same.

We didn't know what we had at the time, but Jesse, Greg, Matt, Frankie, and Chris were something special together - something that doesn't come along that often. I wish we would have appreciated it more. However, even though Dream Street is no more, we still have this concert DVD to remind us of just how good they were.

Just look at the tracklisting - "Sugar Rush", "Jennifer Goodbye", "I Say Yeah", "Let's Get Funky Tonight" . . . and so many more great, great songs. It's amazing to see the group work the crowd, and bring joy into the hearts of everyone listening. It's as if they knew that history was being made. It's a good thing you can't wear out a DVD, because I have watched this one a lot - and you know what? That magic is there each and every time.

If you love good - no, great - music, and you want to catch a great group at their best, then by all means, get this DVD."


[ROFL]

Posts: 201 | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
RoyHobbs
Member
Member # 7594

 - posted      Profile for RoyHobbs   Email RoyHobbs         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I just read every single review this guy wrote...

Either he is one of the great comedic geniuses in America or he is so overbearingly stupid that it makes me wince.

I think that its the former.

Highly recommended!!

Posts: 201 | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MattB
Member
Member # 1116

 - posted      Profile for MattB   Email MattB         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
His review of Kill Bill:

Scooby Dooby Dumb!, March 30, 2004
Ridiculous updating of the classic cartoon destroys everything that makes Scooby and the gang special. I will NOT be watching the sequel.


That's kind of brilliant.

Posts: 794 | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Orson Scott Card
Administrator
Member # 209

 - posted      Profile for Orson Scott Card           Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
This guy is a master of trap irony - irony that does not give itself away, but instead leads you on and on, unsure of whether he means it.

This very ambiguity makes it FAR more fun for those who DO get it, because they know so many readers will misunderstand and think this guy really thinks Bread is the greatest group ever. Or they WILL get the irony, but then they'll be p***ed off because he trashed Bread so badly - only how can they complain, really, because he doesn't say a SINGLE BAD THING about them?

Thanks for letting us see this master of trap irony at work. And thanks also to you who revealed that you got sucked into the trap. It makes the rest of us feel SO cocky (as we pretend that WE weren't sucked in, no, not for a minute).

Posts: 2005 | Registered: Jul 1999  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jhai
Member
Member # 5633

 - posted      Profile for Jhai   Email Jhai         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I particularly like his review of The Blair Witch Project:

quote:
For four years, this movie chilled me to the bone. It also sickened me, because I couldn't believe that someone would actually try and profit off someone's death. That seemed pretty low. It wasn't until 2003 that a friend of mine let me know this thing was a hoax. While I was relieved, I was also pretty angry.

If my anger seems misplaced to you, let me try and explain. If this is not a real documentary, what's the purpose of making it so poorly? Shaky video cameras - it looks like my Christmas videos. Do you think someone would pay me to watch those? "The Legend of Boggy Creek", which covers many of the same issues and is done in a semi-documentary style, is made with much higher production values, and as a result is much, much scarier. Watch it with the lights off if you don't believe me. Also, I can't get behind any horror movie that never shows its monster. How am I supposed to know what to be afraid of? A shaking tent? Stick figures?

I give it three stars for the idea and one star for the execution. I'm off to watch "Boggy Creek" again.

If you EVER, EVER get a chance to watch "The Legend of Boggy Creek," do so. The memory of it will never leave you. [Evil Laugh]

Has anyone else here seen it?

Posts: 2409 | Registered: Sep 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Speed
Member
Member # 5162

 - posted      Profile for Speed   Email Speed         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
This guy has always been my favorite Amazon reviewer. He has a single-mindedness that is truly amazing. See if you can spot the trend in his reviews.

Skip the first three, if that helps.

[ June 16, 2005, 02:31 PM: Message edited by: Speed ]

Posts: 2804 | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
docmagik
Member
Member # 1131

 - posted      Profile for docmagik   Email docmagik         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
There seems to be a deep undercurrent to his purple prose.
Posts: 1885 | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Tatiana
Member
Member # 6776

 - posted      Profile for Tatiana   Email Tatiana         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
I take it to work now, and play it on my breaks (and - shhhh - occasionally during the day), and it really takes me away from the bland, generic walls of my cubicle and into a place where my soul, creativity, and drive are no longer being crushed by the iron wheels of a mid-sized corporation. I'm no longer feeling a drain on my very soul - when I play Classic Football Game 2, I'm alive again.

I agree, this guy is a genius! [ROFL]

Err... the first this guy , not the second one.

Posts: 6245 | Registered: Aug 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Tatiana
Member
Member # 6776

 - posted      Profile for Tatiana   Email Tatiana         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Okay, one more and then I'll stop, I promise!

quote:
Then one day, I came across the toughest jar of pickles I'd ever encountered. I'm talking the kind that will break a man's wrist if he's not careful! I must have spent thirty minutes with that jar, to no avail. I began to think I'd probably have to eat my sandwich sans pickles. Then, as if a lightbulb went off in my head, I thought of this machine. I ventured up to the attic and retrieved it. Within brief moments, I was chomping down on my sandwich - with those pickles, whose jar was short work for the JW200.

Now, I open no jars without the aid of this device. None. I even try to share the wealth with others, occasionally setting up a table at the grocery store to help old ladies with their assorted jellies, jams and the like. Sometimes people will even ask me if they can try the JW200 out. . .I usually say no, but I'll say it in such a way that it comes out like a joke and makes them laugh, which removes the awkwardness from the situation.

[ROFL]
Posts: 6245 | Registered: Aug 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Megachirops
Member
Member # 4325

 - posted      Profile for Megachirops           Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Sounds like the same guy who writes Dr. Oxford

[Be warned, PWOT has some profanity and potentially offensive humor.]

Posts: 1001 | Registered: Dec 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2