posted
I know I take awhile to get to my point but, please, bear with me =).
Seven weeks from now I'll be settling into my new dormroom and attending the freshmen orientation programs at Macalester College. I'm incredibly excited to be leaving home (Virginia) and starting this new stage in my life. You could probably even say that I'm a little too excited.
Things have never been really ideal or even "normal" at home for me. My parents fought constantly and, if we wanted to keep out of the fray, the best policy for my brothers and I was to preemptively clean the house or keep quiet. A good 80% of the comments made in the family are negative, and usually defensive. Even after my parents' separation, neither house is truly a home for me, although this is exaggerated at my mother's where there is simply a very pervasive, tense environment. This is not an attempt to get pity or sympathy, just some background information before a question.
The main problem for me now is that I fall into the very worst of habits around my family. Elsewhere I'm an almost annoyingly optimistic and smiling person and will usually do anything to help a person or even what they would like to do more than I follow my own preferences. It also takes either consistently rude behavior over an extended period of time or one very large transgression to make me angry and usually a combination of the two. At home, however, I am the worst possible version of myself - I'm easilly irritated and semi-easilly angered, I'll say cruel things, I'll scream, and I'll even once or twice a year hit my siblings. These changes in my behavior truly frighten, disgust, and shame me. As much as is possible I do not want to bring these habits into my college life and that of my future family. The problem, and the start of the question, is that I'm not sure I can truly negate all of that if I continue to live at home for more than these next 7 weeks.
This is something I've been considering for a few years now, but the desire and I think need to simply leave home and move on has simply increased now that it's an actually possibility. The idea has simply recently been reinforced by my family's actions over the past few weeks - my mother is trying to blackmail me with my college enrollment so that I won't continue to see my boyfriend, the elder of my younger brothers recently stayed up an extra two hours just to make noises under my door so that I wouldn't be able to sleep.. it isn't even that but just the little day-to-day biting comments made under people's breath.
In any event I was wondering how many, if any, of you didn't return to live at home after leaving it? Do you wish that you had or had not done so? Do you know anyone else who has done this? I realize that this is a very big decision, which is why I'm trying to make myself as informed as is possible beforehand.
If it would impact your advice at all, I have recieved several offers from extended family members and friends to stay with them on summers or longer school breaks should I so choose. I have also recieved two offers from people who would be willing to help pay my tuition. On my own, I have $3,500 dollars tucked away so I wouldn't be entirely destitute and I would be willing to take up working full-time during breaks and part-time (admittedly with few hours) during the school year to cover what financial aid hasn't. Living with my mother the school is covering almost 31K out of 38 (2.5K are loans), so I think/hope that if I cut myself off from the family they would at least slightly increase the aid and, if worse came to worst, I could always request more loans. The school also has a large international student population and so it already has a small program to assist students with their summer-housing.
But anyway, the majority of the people here have a good 5 or ten years more experience than me at least, and as I generally trust Hatrack advice... well, here I am asking for some =).
Posts: 1548 | Registered: Aug 2002
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quote: In any event I was wondering how many, if any, of you didn't return to live at home after leaving it?
Two days after I left our home in Indiana for college in Ohio, my mom packed up and moved -- along with my little brother and everything I'd left behind -- to southern Florida. I was fifteen.
I didn't see them again for five years. I never did get my stuff back.
posted
The summer after my first year away at college I got a job and an apartment and never moved back home.
This had absolutely nothing to do with my parents or siblings, all of whom I have a good relationship with, it just seemed like the best thing to do at the time.
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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I've never gone through the traumatic family life that you have, but my partner has. She was raised by her mother and step-father without knowing that her dad wasn't her biological father. She has five siblings and her mother and step father are now divorced, but they continue to live together. Her mother is a truly noble person - she sleeps on the floor of their living room as there's not enough space for the kids that remain at home, her ex-husband and herself. The step-father's own kids hate and despise him (although that doesn't stop them from soaking him for cash) and while he's a good guy at heart, he does cause them a fair amount of suffering as well. My partner and her older brother, both of them born of the same-other father, love and respect him despite his flaws. The family is, in general, overwhelmingly negative. The youngest daughter is 13 and complete whinger. The other two daughters are never interested in anything. We went out to dinner with them and some other friends and it was embarassing to have these grumpy, uncommunicative women there who made no effort at all to experience a new style of dining or converse with our friends.
Whenever Jus goes home, she gets drawn somewhat into their style of behaviour, although she is in general a much more positive person. Her family just stresses her out and although she misses them, she's almost always disappointed by them.
I left home at 17 and with the exception of a loan here and there, have supported myself for the last fourteen years. I worked two jobs all through uni - even to the point of being a dorm-manager for the hostel I stayed at.
You *can* do it! I've read enough about your home situation over the last few years to think that you'd be better off forging your own destiny. Besides - you and BlackFox deserve each other and your parents have no right to attempt to make you give that up.
Once you've left, you can never really go home. Your family home will usually be there, as will your parents. They'll put you up for awhile - but once you've grown, you can never accept going back to being treated like a kid - which is what would happen if you tried.
I say get out, go it alone, live cheaply, get a job or three, get your education, keep your boyfriend and make your own decisions. I'm sure you can do it.
Posts: 2245 | Registered: Nov 1998
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quote:Originally posted by TomDavidson: Two days after I left our home in Indiana for college in Ohio, my mom packed up and moved -- along with my little brother and everything I'd left behind -- to southern Florida. I was fifteen.
I didn't see them again for five years. I never did get my stuff back.
You went to college at 15? Or am I misreading your post?
Posts: 879 | Registered: Apr 2005
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quote:Living with my mother the school is covering almost 31K out of 38 (2.5K are loans), so I think/hope that if I cut myself off from the family they would at least slightly increase the aid and, if worse came to worst, I could always request more loans.
Leaving the question of whether or not you should move out in the more capable hands of others, I'd advise you to prepare for the worst case scenario. College financial aid packages virtually -always- take the income of living parents into account, even if you've cut yourself off from the family, even if the family has thrown you out and refused to pay, even if your guardians are in jail, and etc. To quote from Macalester's website, "All sources of financial aid at Macalester require students to be 24 years of age in order to be considered independent, with very few exceptions. "
It doesn't hurt to try to be one of those exceptions, of course, but I wouldn't be too optimistic about that particular aspect of things.
Posts: 650 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
I spent the summer after Freshman year at home. After that, I was always busy with summer classes and jobs related to my major and stayed in the city where my school was.
After graduating, I moved to NYC for grad school.
Never did move home.
In some ways, I wish I had. However, it's been a fun and exciting ride on this route too.
As for advice, I have two things:
1) As you get more involved in pursuing your education and ultimate career, it will naturally happen that you end up away from home more and setting up an independent life. You are just a few years (at most) away from that whether you force the issue now or tough it out with mom. I recommend patience and some research. You don't need to make this decision now, but you can prepare for it and be absolutely ready in a surprisingly short time.
2) Home will seem less troubling when you are out of the day-to-day interactions and are no longer PART of the crisis du jour. People's lives are their own to live at that point and I suspect you'll find that you can visit and be less stressed out by it all.
Also, it's true that you never really can go back. It's not the same place and you won't be the same person.
I hope your family situation improves. They usually do with time and some room to grow. Don't give up.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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posted
I had a really good childhood, and I got struck with wanderlust at 17 and never went back home. I love to visit my parents but I love being on my own more. 7 weeks can go by faster than you might think especially if you can do things to keep yourself super busy.
Posts: 1918 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
I won't tell the full story here, but I left home at eighteen and never moved back in. My homelife was very chaotic, and I welcomed having all the problems that came up with work and school being my own. *smile
Be careful, make plans, but don't be afraid to spread your wings. And be sure to keep working with the financial aid office -- I learned (much later) that if I had sat down with someone in administration and thoroughly explained my situation, I would have been considered independent. (This despite all the FA warnings to the contrary.)
Posts: 831 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
I agree. I also didn't know until my senior year that I could've been declared independent much earlier (this only happened once a friend of mine in the business office managed to prove to FA that my mother was taking and spending all of my loan money left over for books, etc). My summer job provided mem with room and board as well as money--I worked at a sleepaway summer camp. This job held me through all the summers of my college, except for the last one. For the last one, I was able to return to school's campus early and work an on-campus job. My junior year I was a Resident Assistant and so I didn't have to pay room and board. I wasn't able to be an RA my senior year, yet I did have the option.
Do what your gut tells you.
Posts: 14745 | Registered: Dec 1999
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posted
I tried living with my parents twice after leaving for college, once because I was broke, once because I was renting their house and they decided to move back into it two months before my lease was up.
The first time was a disaster, the second was worse, but I did manage to move out (within 3 days) before following through on my threat to hospitalize my father.
I'll grant you that I have more than average issues with my folks, but I'd definitely support staying as independent as possible. And I *do* manage to get along with them when I live away from them. Now that I am in another state, again, we get along just fine.
Posts: 3846 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
So, I meant to give you some ideas in a more organized manner.
Look at your options of becoming an RA. Being an RA can mean remission on room and board and possibly a stipend.
Talk to FA about what's going on and what your options are. If they allow exceptions, find out what hoops they want you to go through. If they evaluate you on your own financial means, then you may qualify for more grants and will have to talk out less in loans.
Look at summer job options that provide room and board. Summer camps are one of them, many offer Red Cross training as well. Other options are on-campus jobs or summer school.
Posts: 14745 | Registered: Dec 1999
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posted
I'm in a similar situation. I actually escaped during my senior year of high school - graduated early and went to Germany as a Au-Pair (nanny), and from there I went straight to college. I went home during the summer after freshman year - it was not a good idea. I now visit only once or twice a year, during short breaks. I don't get any financial help from my family either, except medical bills. In the end, I'd suggest, like mack, to do what your gut tells you regarding your family and how often you see them.
Summer stuff: This summer I'm doing research, next summer I plan to either do research or get a job on campus. At my small, liberal arts private college (very similar to Macalester) there's a fair amount of work availible during the summer: library, tech support, lab/data monkey for a professor, even working as a memeber of campus security. There's probably similar work availble at your school, if you search them out.
Financial stuff: From your post, it sounds like you need to make $3,000 a year to pay for college, which, while hard, should be possible if you work during the school year and summer. You should probably count in another $500 a year (at least) for entertainment, new clothes, medicine, etc. I'm not sure if you've included books and fees in your cost estimate, but those can make a fairly large difference -it's around $300 for fees and another $300 for books per semester. If you don't already know, do NOT buy your books from the campus bookstore - get the ISBN of your required books, and go to half.com or Amazom used books.
I'm making $3,500 (pre tax) from my summer job, and I think I'll end up spending around $700 or so during the summer for room, board, and incidentals. I work during the school year about 10 hours a week on campus at minimum wage (*grumble*), and one or two nights a week at a local grill which pays $35 a shift under the table. If you can find similar jobs (although, if you can afford it, I wouldn't suggest doing so first semester freshman year), then I think you'll be ok, as far as money goes. Ten hours per week is completly managable, if you use your time wisely. If you can, try to find a job on campus that will enhance your resume or allow you to continue on during the summer. I tutor, which puts me into contact with a lot of professors - made it MUCH easier to get a summer research grant. Being an RA is a great way to save money on housing and board, and let's you develop leadership skills.
Posts: 2409 | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
Look into teaching with Berlitz in Germany over the summers. They hire native english speakers to teach summer camp (also to teach border guards, though getting into that requires more connections), and pay lots of money, even after airfare is taken into account.
Not to mention you get to travel around Europe a bit.
Posts: 15770 | Registered: Dec 2001
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Summer job suggestion: Wait tables at the beach. It's a great way to make a ton of money. Some places (maybe even many places?) provide cheap (though crappy) housing for summer employees. I waited tables one summer and split an apartment with three friends. Even after all my expenses, including entertainment, I think I cleared something like $3k. It may have been more . . . it was a long time ago & memories are pretty vague. Anyway, I was a TERRIBLE waitress . . . you can make more than that, I'm sure, if you're any good at it at all. Posts: 834 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
Good luck, by the way. You sound sensible and determined, so I'm sure you will do very well . . . I'm so sorry you're in this kind of position in the first place, though. I think that your awareness of your bad habits with your family and your decision to NOT allow yourself to fall into them in a new situation will be most of what is necessary to keep that from happening.
Again, best of luck.
Posts: 834 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
If you want to stay in MN over the summer, ValleyFair (amusement park right outside of town) hires seasonal employees and has employee housing, kinda like student apartments, I believe. They have a hard enough time finding employees that there are frequently large numbers of young people from Eastern European countries that come over to work, so I would assume the pay has to be decent to make it worth the plane fare. Also, there are a lot of resorts in the Northern part of the state that hire seasonal, pay well, and provide housing. If you're willing to work hard, you should be able to clear the $3000 over the summer that way.
I am against cutting off all contact with your family, but support not going back to a situation you consider harmful. I would say to not make any decisions yet, but research your options well for a summer job, and when it's time to make the decision you'll have the information you need. And if/when your mom realizes you're serious, perhaps she'll reconsider her stance a little as well.
Also, I'm looking forward to meeting you when you get up here!
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I moved away from home at 19 and never moved back. After I got divorced at 27, my mother moved in with me (there is a difference). My father gave me the opportunity to live under his roof again when I was soon to be unemployed at 30. After some thought, I refused. The thought of living as a dependent again didn't appeal. And this is with liking both my parents quite a bit -- I still wouldn't want to live as their dependent again.
The only thing I regret is that I didn't go to college.
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
I moved out very young too, and it wasn't a big problem for me. My home life was turmoil at the time.
I agree that you need to consider the finances very carefully. Can you go to a less expensive university perhaps? Even a junior college, very inexpensive, and the usually have classes you can attend around a work schedule.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
Thank you all so much for the great stories and advice. Usually once I start questioning things this much it tends to mean I've made up my mind, but I definitely have a much better idea of how to go about this now if it is, in fact, what I choose to do.
So far I've simply been taking an increasingly proactive role in all of my paperwork for school, banking, doctors' visits, etc so that I can gain autonomy over it all fairly easilly if and when the time comes. I already have a job on campus secured so, after this semester, if I think I can handle it, I'll look into a second job and start researching summer employment options. (Thank you, ElJay for the big tip and I look forward to meeting you, too .)
I really don't want to cut my family off entirely. As bad as we all are for each other, I still care for them and would at least like to see them for a few days around holidays. As for summer work options, the Berlitz idea is intriguing (thanks, Fugu!) - I've got a bit of a penchant for foreign languages so I will definitely have to look into that. Being an RA is something I'd like to do anyway so that's certainly an option as well. Especially as I hadn't known that doing so sometimes negates boarding costs!
Posts: 1548 | Registered: Aug 2002
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posted
Good luck, Pixie. I'm glad you won't be cutting off your family and I think you'll be happier being independent. You're clearly not rushing into anything and you made sure you have a clear and accurate idea of what it will take to be on your own. To me, that's a sign that you're ready.
Posts: 3037 | Registered: Jan 2002
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posted
I should mention, I have a friend at Macalester, and to make money she does a lot of childsitting off campus. She has a great relationship with the family involved, and they've let her stay with them during breaks when the dorms were closed. If you're interested in that kind of work, I can ask her how she found them.
posted
Oh, and no requirement to know German to work for Berlitz.
Assuming your profile is correct, I've sent you an email that has the old application form for the current summer.
Posts: 15770 | Registered: Dec 2001
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posted
Aww shucks, Mrs. M - thank you, for the luck and confidence in me alike =).
Also thanks to fugu for the most-informative email, and to ambyr for the kind offer. I'm not too sure I'd like to get back into babysitting, as I tend to feel a little uncomfortable working around other people's rules and habits when it comes to something as important as their children. ...But, just in case, knowing how your friend found such a wonderful family sounds great if it's not too much trouble .
Posts: 1548 | Registered: Aug 2002
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I parted ways with my mom and stepdad two days after graduating from high school. It was kind of a "you've got until 6 p.m. to get out -- cool, I'm already packed" kind of deal.
Haven't had much luck staying with either of my parents for more than a week since then. We get along fine, mostly, but close quarters and all tends to chafe quickly.
I hate to say it, but if that huge tuition bill is your the sword of Damocles hanging over your head, you might want to keep perparations close at hand to transfer to a state college.
Posts: 2848 | Registered: Feb 2003
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posted
You'll do great, Pixie. It sounds like spending time around your family only on an infrequent basis is best for you -- at least for now.
But don't expect that the parts of your behavior that you dislike will stay at home. They are parts of you, and are likely to show up when you are under stress. Counseling can be a great help; but being aware of what triggers you respond to, and minimizing them as best as you are able, is most important.
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