posted
I recently had a dilemma of sorts in regards to something my daughter told my wife and me. I thought I'd share the story because it left me feeling competent as a parent and proud of my daughter as she crests that wave that leads to adulthood.
The Background:
Anna is 15 and will be a sophmore in highschool. Last fall she tried out for and made the cut to be a member of her school's showchoir. This was and is exciting for all of us. She recently attended a camp specifically tailored for kids that participate in showchoir.
There are about 20 kids that compose our showchoir and one of Anna's fellow Cytones (our showchoir) is a young man that lives in our neighborhood. This young man (David) and Anna have been buddies for years. There was a time when we thought they might have a crush on one another but there's been no evidence of that for at least 3 years.
Young David is "going out" with a senior (Lisa) that is also a member of the Cytones.
Anna's Tale:
On the way home from Butler Community College, where the camp was held, Anna began complaining about receiving dagger filled looks from Lisa. She then went on to say that if she was sitting next to her friend, David, and caught Lisa scowling at her, she would vamp a bit over David. I was not pleased to hear this and I mentioned that this wasn't the type of behaviour we'd come to expect from her, that I thought she'd been raised better than to intentionally irritate someone just because you could. She got defensive and pled exhaustion and wanted to drop the subject, which I did.
The Resolution:
My wife and I discussed this story and she held forth that any input would just result in defensiveness and tears, and that she might learn a lesson about alienating those that you have to be involved with daily.
I fretted and worried for a couple of hours and I finally decided that I felt obligated as a parent to say something, even if it wasn't well received.
I found Anna playing on the computer and asked if she could spare a minute for me. I told her that I had something to say about the David/Lisa situation and that I didn't want a big arguement I just wanted her to consider what I had to say.
I told her that I thought if she had the ability to watch herself through dispassionate eyes that she wouldn't approve of herself. That she would find that Anna as mean. The casual indifference to Lisa's feelings wasn't indicative of the Anna that she wants to be. She started to object but I asked for a few more minutes of indulgence and then she could respond but that I really just wanted her to think about these things.
The second thing I said was that I had a story in my head. In this story were two young girls. Both girls had somehow earned the enmity of a contemporary. The first girl proclaimed that the friction was caused by the other girl and that she wasn't going to waste the effort to please her. She would just ignore her and get on about her business even though she would have to deal with this person on an everyday basis. The second young lady, unhappy with the stress of a strained relationship, approached her rival and sincerely asked for cooperation. She stated that if she had done something to aggravate or inflame the other girl that she would like to heal that rift. She asked if there was any way that the two could be friends and opined that having friends is so much nicer than having enemies.
I told Anna that of the two girls, the first one hadn't done anything wrong but the second one had done the RIGHT thing. Of the two young women, the second girl was the one I admired.
I was shocked and pleased when Anna got up and gave me a hug and told me thanks and that she loved me. I'm feeling pretty good about my daughter and myself right now.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
It takes a combination of a good daughter and a great dad to acheive that...well, she wouldn't be a good daughter from the start without you from the start... So yeah, you can pat yourself on the shoulder, and I can: Posts: 803 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
I'd like to add that although my wife didn't feature prominently in this particular scenario that she does figure prominently in the upbringing of our daughter and certainly deserves just as much credit for her character and development as I.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Mar 2004
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It's nice to hear good parenting stories. It's so rare that we hear about success stories these days. Posts: 9871 | Registered: Aug 2001
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I am so impressed, punwit. You and your wife have obviously been laying that foundation since she was a baby, and how wonderful to hear how that pays off.
Posts: 2711 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Thank you all for your kind words. I didn't make it clear in the opening post that I'm not always this successful. I think, but I'm not sure, that setting up the idea of a story with two girls facing similar situations and contrasting their behaviour helped ease things. I wanted Anna to know what type of behaviour I admired without being too negative about her actions. I also wanted her to look at her actions and evaluate them free of whatever baggage that she was carrying concerning Lisa. You shouldn't get the idea that success like this is the norm. We have had plenty of instances that ended in tears and histrionics and I wouldn't have posted this story if it was a run-of-the-mill occurence.
As much as I'd like to take credit for this success I feel that is as much a sign of my daughter's growing maturity as it is a sign of brilliant parenting.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Mar 2004
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