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My brother was a HUGE Mitch Hedberg fan. He made me listen to a CD one day, and was repeating several of the jokes incessantly, although I forgot them and had to go through a list of jokes to find ones my brother used to say ALL THE TIME.
"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.""
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I saw him on Comedy Central once. He wasn't my favorite comedian, but it is sad to hear that he passed.
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Mitch Hedberg performed at my school less than a year before his death, and he was hilarious (although his wife, who opened for him, was awful).
"My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, 'Hey... Hold on, fellows... Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.'"
His delivery made any sentence at least ten times funnier than it would've normally been. Doubly so for non sequiturs.
Posts: 1321 | Registered: Sep 1999
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I used to do drugs, I still do, …but I used to also.
I was going to whiten my teeth, but then I decided F*** it, I'll just get a tan.
I got tired of chasing my dreams so I asked them where they were going, and told them I'll catch up later.
I like to play music loud, but I live in an apartment. Sometimes my neighbor will bang on the wall. I tell them there is no door here,.. you'll have to go around…. There may be one on your side but there isn't one here.
I was writing a post card to my dad and when i was done I added P.S. But then I had nothing to say. So I said P& S would be two letters of the alphabet if you took out Q & R.
They say Sprite is made of lemons and limes. I tried to make it at home... there is something F***ing else in it.
I am dying to see a forklift lifting a crate of forks it would be so damn literal.
There is a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore with a stick in your hand.
Posts: 555 | Registered: Jun 2005
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I think Frogs are a better choice than bears for forest representatives. When you see a frog hopping your way, you don't say "Ahhh, a frog" it's more like "hey, heres comes a frog, hopping my way. I hope he settles next to me, so I can put him in a mayo jar... with a leaf and a rock."
Posts: 9754 | Registered: Jul 2002
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I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "Please Try Again." Apparently I was in a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. "C'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
I was at a fair, and they were having a contest. It said, "Guess how many jelly beans there are in the jar" and you win a prize. "Ah c'mon, man, lemme just haaaave some. Tell you what, you guess how many I want. If you said a handful, you are correct.
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that.
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that the map will not fall down.
I hate turtlenecks. I have such a weak neck. Plus if you wear a turtleneck it's like being strangled by a really weak guy ... all day. And if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it's like a weak midget's trying to bring you down.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
To do this show, I had to take a physical. They asked me a bunch of medical questions. And they were, like, yes or no questions, but they were very strangely worded. Like, "Have you ever tried sugar..... or PCP?"
I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005
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I bought a jelly donut the other day. They asked me if I wanted a receipt. I said, "It's donut. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this."
Posts: 516 | Registered: Aug 2004
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I like to wave to people on the street. Its very dangerous to wave to people you dont know because what if they dont have a hand. They'll think your cocky..."hey look what I got MF, this thing is useful. Im going to go pick sh*t up with it"
Posts: 218 | Registered: Jul 2005
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much you play, You'll never be as good as a wall.
All McDonalds commercials end the same way: "prices and participation may vary." I want to open my own McDonalds and not participate in sh*t. I want to be a stubborn McDonalds owner. "You got Big Macs?" "Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets."
Once I saw this wino who was eating grapes, and I said, "Dude, you have to wait".
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They dont want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
Imagine if you could understand Morse Code. A tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Somebody handed me a picture and said "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "Hey, here is a picture of me when I am older". How the F*** did you do that?
Posts: 218 | Registered: Jul 2005
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Oh man I've never even heard of this guy, but im just cracking up reading these. Anyone have a video link or download or something, or tell me somewhere I can watch him?
Posts: 879 | Registered: Apr 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Aurinona: "An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.""
Heh, this guy obviously was never at either my office building or my train station LOL. At least once a week, one of the escalators (out of a total of 6 that I traverse daily) is out of service, blockaded off, and with pieces missing. And no signs of the service guys who are supposedly fixing it.
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