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Sorry. My ex will be in court later this month, accused of rape and lewd molestation. The victim is not named, but included in the list of witnesses is his oldest child, the one I had custody of. She's the only minor listed as a witness.
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I think I just need to go to bed an think and pray about this, and talk to my husband in the morning. Right now, I'm physically ill just thinking about this. My stomach is upset, my hands are shaking, and it's all I can do not to sit here and bawl.
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It is a good thing that now they know you were right. I know it is so painful for you and the children, and it will still be for a while, but then things will get better. How terrible for him to do such a thing to a child. I hope he receives the punishment he deserves. I know you did your best to get it stopped, and it is the fault of those who didn't believe you if it continued. Don't be hard on yourself. You did everything you could possibly do. Rain
Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2002
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Boon
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quote:Originally posted by Dead_Horse: You did everything you could possibly do. Rain
No, I didn't. But I need some time before I can explain.
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((((Boon))))) My heart goes out to you. I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. remember, we're all here for you.
Posts: 2711 | Registered: Mar 2004
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Golly, that's rough. We're here for you with soft shoulders to cry on, and around-the-clock sympathetic ears.
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
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Take all the time you need, hun. We're all here in the meantime, and you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
Posts: 1548 | Registered: Aug 2002
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If I'd pressed charges for the despicable things he did to me...
If I'd worked harder to make people believe me about the little girl, instead of being such a coward...
If I hadn't decided that letting her go was the only way to protect my son and myself...
If I'd taken the children and hid...
If I'd told *anyone* Everything that happened, he wouldn't have been able to do whatever it was he did.
I have no doubt as to his guilt, I'm just not sure who his latest victim was. I've found out more than I'm legally allowed to know, from sympathetic caseworkers, but they won't tell me about the charges.
I know about a protective order against him on behalf of his youngest daughter (I think she's about 4 now), and a very recent protective order against him on behalf of his oldest daughter and his wife (soon to be ex, as she filed for divorce the day before criminal charges were filed).
I know that his status on his youngest child's child support case is listed as "prison status". I know he spent about a month in jail in his home county.
I wish I could've prevented the hurt these other girls and women have suffered at his hands. I wish I'd been stronger.
The hearing this week is a preliminary hearing, but the witnesses have been subpoenaed. We've decided to send my husband to watch and listen... he's more able to be objective and to really know whether I could help or not. Since it's not the actual trial, we'll wait until after the hearing to decide whether I should contact the state's attorneys. Since the things I know about are such a long time ago, they may not be relevant, and it hurts me terribly to discuss the details.
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Boon, I'm beyond impressed that you're even considering it. The easy thing to do would be forget you ever knew him. Your plan sounds rational and good.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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This is coming totally from an outside position. I've never known anyone who admitted to having been in your shoes, or in those of these other women and girls now involved, nor have I been there myself. So I can't speak with any real authority or knowledge. And if you choose to simply take my offer of a shoulder and ignore the rest, then at least (to me) that's better than my sitting here in silence.
You don't know what would have happened if you had spoken up earlier. Maybe you would have been believed and he would have been punished, but maybe not. And maybe you could have protected these particular women, but there's no guarantee that he wouldn't have found someone else to abuse in their place.
You did the best you could with what you had available at the time. You protected yourself and your son the best you could, and frankly, he is your first priority. I truly do believe you are an amazing woman and an amazing mom.
As for the trial situation, it might in fact be helpful to the state's case to show that this is a very long standing pattern, even without prior charges filed. You will likely be grilled exhaustively on why you didn't speak up at the time (because people still don't seem to be capable of understanding what it's like to be in those shoes...). That's something that you and your husband (possibly with the assistance of a therapist?) will need to decide for yourselves.
Again, I'm here if you need anything. I wish I could take the pain away.
Posts: 4515 | Registered: Jul 2004
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Boon, sweetie, this is not your fault. You tried to protect her. It was their choice not to believe you, and mostly it was his fault for doing these things. HE is the one who will be held accountable. Remember that no matter what has happened or not happened in all this, no matter what you have done or not done, you are on the side of the angels, and he is the bad guy.
All you could really have done is kill him, and that would have made you as bad as him. So don't let yourself turn this around to make YOU the bad one when it's HIS fault. (((hugs)))
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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Boon, you could only work from the strength you had at the time. You protected your son, be proud of that. His terrible acts were his choice, his fault.
Posts: 2711 | Registered: Mar 2004
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I'm sorry you're going through this, Boon. All of us have to live with regrets for things that, in hindsight, we either should or shouldn't have done. It is good to learn from our mistakes so that we can try to avoid repeating them, but allowing ourselves to be consumed with guilt and "what-ifs" is rarely productive (not that it makes it any easier to avoid). It is especially difficult when our regrets involve the actions of others that we feel we should have been able to influence. One of the hardest things, I think, to come to terms with is horrible actions that affect people we love. Like kq said, these were his actions that he chose to do. You did the thing(s) that, at that time, you thought was best. You did what you could to protect your son - your top priority as his mother. Certainly the knowledge you now have colors your judgements of your past actions, but that doesn't make them wrong and it doesn't make you wrong. I hope you will find the strength and comfort you need to endure this difficult time, help your children to also deal with the situation, and come out an even stronger person. *giant hug*
Posts: 5879 | Registered: Apr 2001
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Boon, I am so sorry for this entire awful situation and that you had to be involved in it.
Posts: 3037 | Registered: Jan 2002
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Boon
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You're all such amazingly good friends.
I feel guilty sometimes, because I come here and post all kinds of horrible personal stuff and you're all always so nice to me anyway.
You're like...the family I can talk to, you know? I can't talk to my own, so I talk to you.
Okay, enough with my self-indulgent whining. Right now, I'm going to go make some oatmeal-raisin cookies and dinner with my kids (their math, reading, and home ec lessons for today) and then take a bubble bath while my husband entertains them for the evening. In the morning, I'll be talking to my husband about how I need to tell someone in authority everything. But first, tonight, I have to tell him. Everything. All the things I've tried to forget.
I'll be okay. I'm stronger now. He can't hurt me if I don't let him, and I've let him for far too long. He can't take my son from me; he can't even see him if I say no. He has no control over me any more. I can tell the authorities what happened, and if they don't believe me, then what happens after that is their fault, and his, but not mine. Not anymore.
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(((hugs))) You can do it, honey. And if you EVER need to cry, talk, rant, or fantasize about killing him, e-mail or IM me and I will call you as soon as I get it.
We love you so much. But especially me. Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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quote:I'll be okay. I'm stronger now. He can't hurt me if I don't let him, and I've let him for far too long. He can't take my son from me; he can't even see him if I say no. He has no control over me any more. I can tell the authorities what happened, and if they don't believe me, then what happens after that is their fault, and his, but not mine. Not anymore.
Congratulate yourself on the fact that you can say these words. These are the words that you couldn't say while you were under his control.
IME, one of the most harmful effects of being chronically abused emotionally or physically is the belief that you are powerless. It is this belief that keeps the abuser in control.
The fact that you were able to get out is amazing. The fact that you were able to get out and begin a new and healthy,loving relationship is a miracle.
You didn't have the tools, the power or the self-confidence to do what you felt you needed to do back when, but you do now. Go get'em tiger.
Posts: 2425 | Registered: Jan 2002
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Beating yourself up over the past does nothing. I think you have to live life in the present for yourself and your family, and in order to do that, you have to let the past go.
On that note, saying this without knowing you or your husband, I don't know if I would tell your husband about all the bad things you experienced alone. Maybe this is something that needs to be done delicately...professionally, perhaps with a family therapist around?
I hope everything turns out for the best. Sorry you're having to go through this.
Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002
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Hindsight can reveal paths that might have lead to less hurtful tomorrows, but you can never be sure of that. There is no telling what future may have been if you had pursued a different course. You must make peace with those past decisions and use them as a guide for future choices. You are trying to do the right thing and that is all we can ask of ourselves. I wish you strength and comfort in this trial.
posted
Boon, if you aren't sure about telling your husband, per Storm's suggestion, you could try writing it first.
Posts: 2010 | Registered: Apr 2003
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