posted
So I'm having a problem with happiness. I can't seem to find any. My present life finds me in a position where I should be very happy. I have exactly what I want. And I mean that, at least as much as I can. I have what I want, not what others want for me. According to myself, I should be happy. But I'm not. The very thing that should be causing me happiness is causing me ... unhappiness. I thought for sure that I would be happy. But its just not there. So I'm searching for happiness all over again. And I'll confess, I don't have much hope. But the reason for this thread is to ask some questions:
What makes you happy? and also, what could make you happier? Here's one I'm really curious about ... What do you daydream about? I'm a teenager, so I'll be especially interested in fellow teenagers responses, but I'm interested in any insights from anyone. Everyone has some situation which they see as the best. What is yours?
And thats pretty much it. Now I'm off to go wallow in self-misery, reflecting on my woe, as happiness seems to flee from my life. Posts: 2827 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
I've decided that happiness is very much a conscious choice, rather than an effect (ie, if I have/do X, then I will be happy). I choose to find things in my life that I like and be happy because of them.
For example - Rather than focusing on having a rotten day at work or rude people on my drive home, I will choose to focus on my little kitten that comes running, purring to see me when I get home and I am happy. The fact that my husband works nights and weekends is often a source of unhappiness, but I try to focus on the happy times that I do get to spend with him (rather than all the time I don't get to spend with him).
Now certainly we all have problems in life, some of them of our own making, some of them not, which can detract from our happiness. I try, when possible to find a solutions to my problems, or where there is no solution, to try not to let it eat me up. I can try to choose be happy in spite of difficulties.
Certainly, I would have less problems in my life if I was independantly wealthy. But I don't know if I would be any happier. Posts: 5879 | Registered: Apr 2001
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posted
A while back, I was very unhappy with no particular reason to be so. I also had a tremendous headache that had been around for nearly a week. A wise friend (wiser than I realized until later) didn't know what my problem was (I didn't myself) but suggested that a quick (but not easy) cure would be some concentrated gratitude.
He was right. I spent the next hour driving my car, concentrating heavily on being grateful. Detailed gratitude for the things that were good in my life. At the end, I not only felt better inside, my headache was gone.
So now, when I have a headache, I take a pill. But when I'm sad or listless or just plain unhappy, I try to get away by myself for a short while and spend time being deeply, genuinely grateful. Negative thoughts aren't allowed. They get ruthlessly squashed by gratitude for my new shoes, for memories of excellent meals, for creative ideas I've yet to act on, for a hug I got from my daughter, for a thoughtful call from a friend, etc.... It is not easy at first because I don't *feel* grateful, but it gets easier. And gradually I DO feel grateful. Then I feel very happy, joyful, actually.
edited to add that a general feeling of being down while you're a teenager can be a result of hormone changes, yes, even in boys. So it's something of an illusion how you feel...yes, it's a genuine feeling, but the source is illusory and will pass. I think concentrated, deliberate gratitude might help some, but time may really be the key factor in making it through to a happier season.
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
Doing something kind or thoughtful for someone. Feeding the wild animals and watching them eat. Paying close attention to the astonishing beauty of nature. Getting more sunshine in the optic nerve, getting out more. (Particularly at this time of year I can be very sad from all the darkness. Being outside more during daylight helps this a lot.) Reading a good book. Accomplishing something at work or at home, even something so trivial as getting a drawer very well organized. Listening to wonderful sad music, and wonderful happy music. Petting my cats and hearing them purr. Making something yummy to eat. Writing to someone I like that I haven't written in a while. Making up silly games. Babysitting. Kids have an infectious joy. Talking to friends who make me laugh. Talking to friends who are sharing their sorrows. Going for a walk in the cold, then coming home and drinking something warm. Giving presents. Receiving presents.
Posts: 6246 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
I'm kind of a teenager (20) and I've been stuck in a similar rut for the last couple of years.
I have everything. I'm well off, I go to a good school, etc. Little everyday things make me happy, like a compliment from a friend or a seeing a new episode of Lost.
But its not REAL happiness.
I get stuck on finding that permanent joy in living.
I blame my complete lack of aspiration. I have no dreams or goals for my life.
When I daydream, I like to imagine myself successful or having a career that lights a fire in my heart. That's what I want. I want pride and drive in my life.
The everyday happy moments are nice, but they're too fleeting.
Posts: 1733 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
My suggestion is to find out what you need, and do what you need to do to fill those needs.
From my own experience, I know that I need the following things to be happy: 1. Good friends, and, specifically, a good friend that I can call at any time, for any reason, and she is happy to hear from me. 2. Physical exercise at least three days a week. 3. Spiritual nourishment, which usually comes from church and scriptures. 4. A project where I'm learning something and accomplishing something.
It doesn't matter how well the rest of my life is going. If I am missing one of the above four, then I'm not happy. It took a lot of trial and error to figure that out. It was also very disheartening to be sad, to not know how to fix it, and to be told that I was choosing to be that way and to snap out of it. Snapping did not work. The above things did.
I don't know if those would work for you, although if you are missing any of the above I suggest trying to fill it, but I do think that life is much less scary when you can identify what needs must be fulfilled for you to be happy. It's taking control of your own moods, and that's important.
For some people, medication also helps. For people who need it, it's wonderful and a godsend. I do think it should not be the first option, though, just in case.
quote:Physical exercise at least three days a week.
I need to get on this ball like it's going out of style. It's presently the most glaring omission from my lifestyle.
Posts: 10886 | Registered: Feb 2000
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posted
ludosti has it right, I think. Focus determines your reality. It sounds really trite, but BANG! when you 'get it' it's amazingly true.
All the other suggestions are great, and work well within the context of simply being determined to be happy, and focusing on helping others (and yourself) in those small ways.
It sounds really dumb, but I have found it to be true.
Posts: 9293 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
Happiness isn't an effect of what you have. The happiness you get from getting stuff is short lived (I've got studies to support this). Real, lasting happiness is a matter of perception and a side-effect of doing, not having, stuff.
It's great to get things that you want. It provides a rush of good feelings. However, humans are in most cases homeostatic systems. This rush is based on a disruption of the equilibrium, so it's doomed to go away. An interesting consequence of this is that the amount of more money people say they would need to "finally be happy" tends to be directly (and generally logarithmically) proportional to how much moeny they have (i.e. a person with a $40,000 a year job may say they would need $100,000 while someone with $140,000 a year would say $500,000).
You can't buy happiness, but you can choose it. Your happiness is tied to your perceptions, and your perceptions are remarkably maleable. You can consciously shape your perception and by doing so infuence your emotional states and reactions, including happiness. This can seem hard or next to impossible when you first attempt it, but, as with most things, exercising it makes it stronger.
As to how to actually do this, I'd recommend reading Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning, one of Albert Ellis's many books, such as A Rational Guide to Living, and possibly Mihayli Csikszentmihayli's Flow and Martin Seligman's Authentic Happiness. Or you could wait like 5 years, for when my book will hopefully be coming out. It's a way of being in love with life, with he world. You are focused on the world and not on yourself and you get to experience so many wonderful things.
Altering your perceptions is only half the solution though. You also have to include doing things. It doesn't really matter what you do and what's works best varies from person to person, but it should be stuff that challenges you both mentally and physically. Unhappiness and depression is caused at least in part by a person's physical and mental facilities lying dormant for too long. Waking them up and putting them to work can really turn thigns around. Exercise is at least as good a therapy as drugs for many types of depression.
Unlike the happiness you get from acquiring something, the good feeling that accompany doing things does not fade. Getting something is a one-time thing, a disruption that it soon over with, leading to a return to the prior state. Action, especially the type I'm talking about, is a more or less constant lifestyle choice. If you are actually embracing the idea of challenge, there is no return to equilibrium, because you keep pushing at the boundaries.
Of course, just as the perception without action doesn't really work, neither does the action without focus. To get the happiness benefits, you have to focus on the right things. You can't be looking primarily to win or to beat people, you can't center your perceptions on yourself. It's the task that you're doing that you have to be engaged in. You have to sort of love it for it's own sake, not for the transitory way that it's makes you feel.
This sort of love, for the world, for fulfilling tasks, for other people, and finally for yourself, is an art. There's no formula that I can give you for it. It's something you have to build, piece by piece. It's hard, but it's worth it. It's life's great mystery and simultaneously the answer to this mystery. It's getting yourself some chicken.
Posts: 10177 | Registered: Apr 2001
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posted
My opinion is that happiness is found in the moments. Not every single minute and not every single activity is going to bring happiness, but taking the time to appreciate the little things that bring joy makes everything else seem that much more interesting. Much also has to do with perspective and what you're looking at when you look at yourself and the things around you.
For example, it takes me an hour to drive to work each day. I used to dread that time because it's a boring, wasted hour of my life. However, because of the timing of my driving, each morning I get to marvel at the sunrise and each evening I get to gaze at the amazing sunset. I never really noticed or appreciated these things much before, but now I actually kind of look forward to my early morning and evening commutes.
So I believe that happiness is not found in the decisions you make, the things you own, or the things that happen to you. Rather, happiness is found in how you look at those things.
It seems that some of the most beautiful things in life pass by so quickly. A flower blossoms and fades so quickly that if we aren't watching for it, we will completely miss it. Lately, due to the season, when I find myself searching for something uplifting to think about, I talk a walk through the park, fascinated by all the colors of the trees. The beauty itself doesn't bring me happiness, but appreciating my ability to recognize that beauty does.
I think it's also helpful to have a wonderful person to share those moments with. Last night I had dinner with the most wonderful person in the world, and it made me wonder what my life would be like without her, and I've come to the conclusion that it would be much emptier. Sharing thoughts, ideas, and passions with another person is one of the most delightful experiences that someone can have.
So don't create for yourself a happiness checklist, because it won't work. And don't reflect on your woe, because that will just cast a shadow over the good things in your life causing you to miss those as well. I would suggest trying to find things that fascinate you, or find out something fascinating about yourself, and then pursue it. Take an interest in something or someone. Before you know it, you won't even be thinking about those unhappy thoughts.
Posts: 1256 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
I used to be unhappy, irritable, and unsatisfied. Now I am happy, easygoing and very satisfied. I made three changes in my life to make it so:
I make myself useful. At the end of most every day, I can honestly say that I've made a difference, and that I was of use.
I stopped letting stuff bother me. Now instead of saying "It just burns me up when ____", I say "It just cracks me up when _____". And I laugh off all of life's little annoyances.
The third thing, is I started taking SSRI's. I take a Lexapro pill every day, and I'm happy as can be.
The first two helped, but the third made a big difference, too.
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
People are right that happyness is not something that can be obtained in a physical way. I agree that it is more of how you look at things, but it is often not something that can be done just by "flipping a switch." I am in treatment for depression, so understand what you mean by being where you want to be and still being empty. The best advice that was given to me was to tell myself "I've done good." There is always more work to be done and it seems like there is never enough time to do it, but sometimes you need to take time for yourself. I'm not going to help every student at my school succeed, but if I help 3 or 4, I've done good. I'm not going to make every abused woman get back on her feet, but if I take care of their kids for several hours while they have a meeting, I've done good.
You also have to be realistic, are their things that hurt you in life? Are there things that no matter how hard you try just won't turn out right? Are there more things wrong with the world than you can possibly fix? Absolutly, and you need to acknowledge them, not ignore them. But you also need to make sure not to dwell on them. It is good to take an intrest in something or someone, but know there is always work to do, just because everything is not perfect doesn't mean you have failed.
Posts: 68 | Registered: Sep 2005
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posted
I used to think that money would make me happy. Now that I've figured out that money can't solve the biggest problems in my life I tend to have an overabundance of it...
Posts: 1480 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
For a lot of people, in my experience, their biggest problem with not being happy is that they aren't happy. They look at their lives, see that they have what they think they need to be happy, and wonder why they are not. So they think that there must be other stuff that they don't have that they need to be happy. They create more external problems to explain their unhappiness, instead of realizing that what needs to change is themselves.
I think one of the big problems is Western society's disfunctional mythology of happiness. We get taught that happiness is a passive thing that you achieve. The Garden of Eden myth (and it's analogs) says that paradise is having everything given to you. "...and they all lived happily ever after" endings suggest that it's something you get enough stuff for and then you've got it as long as you have that stuff.
But human beings aren't built that way. These myths were formed in backgrounds where people lacked their basic needs. Lacking these things really does make you unhappy. And they had to work at often tedious tasks to get the insufficient amounts that they did. From that perspective, identifying "not having stuff" as the cause of unhappiness makes perfect sense and having everything given to you sounds like the best thing that could happen.
But the advent of affluence on a wide scale has changed the background almost out of recognition. In this brave new world, we can actually mostly achieve the fulfillment of the dreams of the past. The myths of happiness have been tested and found wanting in the new environment, but we cling to them nonetheless. And this makes us sick.
Posts: 10177 | Registered: Apr 2001
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posted
Get enough sleep. 8 hours a night. Don't get more than 9, though.
And for dang sure, don't stay up too late. 4am-noon is NOT a sleep schedule.
When I was a teen and in my early 20s, I didn't understand this. I was staying up late and getting *incredibly* miserable. Granted, I had reason to be miserable, but lack of sleep made it SO MUCH WORSE!
If it's nighttime and the world starts to look like a grim grim place, go to bed. Things will be much brighter when you wake up.
posted
Just wanted to back-up the "sleep and exercise" folks.
I was dangerously depressed last year. I developed terrible stomach ulcers that made me sick when I ate and kept me awake all hours from the pain. I was over-stressed and paranoid despite having a nice life. Between the alcohol and self-abuse, I was digging myself one scary hole.
Then my littlest brother, my shining light, was diagnosed with diabetes and something in my head just clicked. I hate needles and could never be as brave as him in his situation. Suddenly, I couldn't be more thankful for the life I had.
Instead of bemoaning my weight, I started working out. I balanced crazy college classes with some fun dance lessons and was happy even when I couldn't get a certain tap-step. The doctors had tried pills on me but all I needed was alittle therapy to make me aware of my negative thoughts, and then I just needed to get better sleep. Your body will release some happy brain chemicals if you give it 7-8 hours of sleep and some time on a treadmill.
People are seeing the changes me in me (its been a big turn-around) and my life couldn't be better. There are still bad days, but overall, I'm glad to be alive. Happy to see my new friends everyday, excited to have conversations and start new relationships.
Posts: 1733 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
I like reading what's been posted here, especially Shanna's posts. Both my wife and I have been dealing with depression-type issues for several years. We've come to discover many factors that influence our overall sense of well-being. Many have already been mentioned, like exercise, consistent and adequate sleep, focusing outside yourself/volunteering, finding beauty in little things (sunrises, flowers, etc.), and medication, among others.
This past month has been the best in a long time. Each of us is happier, our marriage is stronger, and our 3-year old is much happier. It's wonderful.
Bonds that Make us Free by C. Terry Warner has resonated with me more than almost any other book, ever. Warner is part the group that wrote Leadership and Self-Deception, the book that introduced "thinking outside the box." He discusses what he calls self-betrayal, and how to understand it. I'm still reading it, so I don't know the whole story yet, but it's been marvelous so far. Self-betrayal is essentially a breach of conscience, ie not doing what you think/feel you should, and it happens to everyone, everyday. What follows is a semi-conscious attempt to justify your actions, by shifting the blame from yourself to another person.
An example: Last night I told my wife that I was going to grade some papers. Later, as I was goofing around on the computer, she came over and asked if I wanted help getting off the computer to get to my work. Note my rudeness in not doing what I had said I would. When I said no, she hit the power key and the computer went to sleep. I couldn't believe she would do that while I was using the computer! I protested loudly, woke up the computer, apologized for my poor reaction, and continued with what I'd been doing.
Later, as I was getting ready to grade, a feeling of discord lingered in the room. I considered what had happened. I wondered if I had perceived rudeness where only teasing was intended. I approached Cami and apologized again. I told her that through the eyes of my own rudeness I had only seen rudeness. She confirmed that she had only been teasing, and was hurt by my angry response, but accepted my apology. I immediately felt lighter, and even better, I felt closer to Cami.
So essentially what this boils down to is that a guilty conscience (no matter the degree of seriousness of the breach of conscience) pulls you down. Doing what you think/feel you should (helping that lady pick up the stack of books she dropped in front of you, calling your sick friend when you think about him, etc.) at the moment you should leaves you a slightly better person, and carrying a much lighter load.
My ramblings don't do justice to Warner's book, but I obviously can't recommmend it enough.
Finally, I note that these ideas are not new. Men I believe were prophets of God taught that it is impossible to enjoy true, lasting happiness while doing something you know is wrong (Ps 32:10, Isa 57:21, Alma 41:20, Hel 13:38; the last two are from the Book of Mormon).
posted
One more book recommendation. My son was very distressed and sad, and feeling utterly worthless and helpless, and even suicidal. I struggled each day with how we were going to get through the day. I suggested to him once when he was reading a self-help book that he try The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey. I thought it would be a better book for him, because the one he was reading was all about how to manipulate people to get what you want, whereas I had read Covey and knew it was about how to transform your life from the inside out to achieve what you want to achieve and be whom you want to be. It's a wonderful book. My son ended up telling me again and again that the book saved his life. He thanked me many times for that suggestion.
He really has put it into practice and is so much more successful now at coping. Because he was so changed by it, I read it again and got a great deal out of it as well.
I wish I was good at that deep listening thing. Seek first to understand. That's the habit I wish for most. Anyway, try the book and see what you think. Used ones start at a nickle on Amazon.
In any case, I wish you luck and happiness. Posts: 6246 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
Tatiana, that book changed my life too. It came recommended by my systems analysis instructor years and years ago, as an excellent way to learn how to break down problems for easier analysis. When I'm low, and if I happen to remember, I go back to the first three habits (be proactive, begin with the end in mind and first things first) and it always gives me energy to tackle whatever it is that has me low.
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
I just came out of a depression (knock on wood), starting first week of October and ending (I think) 2 days ago. I didn't know what it was about, but I did notice I felt worst when I was contemplating things I might feel shame about. So I tried to find out what was missing. With the help of my men's group (ManKind Project), I determined the message I thought was missing (a message of honoring, as opposed to shame), and . . . OK, it's been 2 days, so that's not much of a baseline, but I think I got the handle I need on it.
I don't know what's up with you, but I had the same thing to say that you just did! That I was miserable, and had no idea why -- everything seemed to be going great. Identifying the negative message I gave myself may have fixed, or started to fix, the problem. Maybe you don't have a negative message; maybe something else is wrong . . . but I think if you explore the question, worry it like a bulldog until it gives, you'll find out. Good luck!
Posts: 1877 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
Another HUGE thing I found out from battling depression and suicidal feelings for 20 years is this: It's mostly physical.
You attribute it to all sorts of spiritual malaise, bad job, bad relationships or anything under the sun but what's actually true is that when you are feeling good, those ups and downs of life don't send you spiraling into the void. When you are feeling bad then you are just volatile and things that ordinarily wouldn't bother you can send you reeling.
So I found that the most important things I can do are these. I call them my four pillars of mental health.
1. Sleep regularly and well. Sleep enough. Sleep at the same time every night.
2. Exercise regularly, preferably some intense cardiovascular exercise that will wear you out. That helps a lot with achieving #1 as well.
3. Eat right. Get adequate nutrition, vitamins, protein. Not too much or too little. Don't let being depressed suck you into eating 2 big bags of cheese flavored popcorn at one sitting, and don't rebound from doing that to complete fasting.
4. Sunshine in the optic nerve. Is it a coincidence that so many of us in the Northern Hemisphere are going through a bad time right now, a few weeks after the equinox, the time of year with the fastest rate of decrease in day length? No it is not. Try to get outside during daylight hours as much as you possibly can. I like to combine #2 and #4 and go outside and run as soon as it's light in the morning.
posted
Wow. It may just be me and my needing of a thread like this, but this is ... wonderful. I'm definately bookmarking it so I can come back to it when I get down. Thanks everyone for the suggestions, and especially thanks for the book references (I'm a big reader). It was really ... well, oddly refreshing reading this. In my present environment, I'm surrounded by happy people. Or perhaps not truly happy, I don't know, but people who certainly are good at looking happy. It seems like no one understands what I'm going through. I try to talk about it with my friends and they look at me like I'm crazy. Chances are pretty good they're right, but it only serves to frustrate me more, make me feel more alone. It also makes me wonder what's wrong with me, which obviously doesn't help my insecurity either. But here, as I was reading this, I thought over and over "These people get it! They understand ...". The thoughts that have been going through my head were echoed right back to me, with anecdotes and solutions! Its wonderful. You have no idea how rare that is in my life. lol. Reading this ... made me happy. . My away message last night was this: " sleeping ... then waking. and being in a reasonably good mood through it all. I love hatrack ". Now, I'm going to go horseback riding with a friend (the closest thing I have to a 'special someone' who I can talk to about anything and everything) and gush about how wonderful Hatrack is, and do it all with a smile on my face. I feel equipped to go out and face the unpleasant things in life. Stuff is still going to happen, and I'm sure I'll still be unhappy, but now I believe that I have a better understanding of what happiness is and where it lies, and I thank you for that. And please, please continue to post in this thread as more thoughts concerning this come up. And now, I'm going to be late, so farewell ... Posts: 2827 | Registered: Jul 2005
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