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Ever felt some way, even though you know it's wrong and you shouldn't feel the way you do and you just can't help it?
I had a very unworthy thought today about the woman who was getting chemo next to me, she has breast cancer. Now, I didn't get chemo today but I was still there for a while as they had to process my blood work.
While I was there, the woman complained. Nothing wrong with that, heck all of us complain. Cancer sucks. Chemo sucks. It helps to complain about it with someone who is going through it too.
But then she said "I'm just so isolated."
And a guy, who I've talked to before and who has the same cancer and same chemo regimen that I have, leaned over to me and whispered "Funny hearing a member of the pink ribbon club talking about isolation."
And that comment just lodged itself in my soul and made me feel such anger toward that woman. Because, see, there really is a "pink ribbon club." There are all these support groups set up for people with breast cancer. You can't escape the commercials about it all the time. There is a support group at our hospital for breast cancer and if you don't have breast cancer then you go to the "general cancer support group" which has never held a meeting since I've been there. While the breast cancer support group meets weekly.
Whenever someone finds out I have cancer, like a mom at gymnastics practice, I always get "Is it breast cancer?" As if there's no other kind. Or, they don't even ask and launch into telling me all about the relatives they have that have/had breast cancer or how they themselves walked in a breast cancer walk or bought a bracelet with a pink ribbon on it to support me and the people like me who are going through breast cancer.
But see, I'm not going through breast cancer. I'm not a member of the pink ribbon club - I'm an outsider.
One time, in chemo, the nurses were talking to three women with breast cancer about a wonderful program put on by the American Cancer Society. Cosmetic companies donated a bunch of cosmetics and there were these meetings where you got to put on makeup and talk about how to look better and feel better. She encouraged everyone to go because it was fun and supportive and you got what she said was $250-$300 worth of free cosmetics.
And of course, I'm not invited. Because I haven't lost my hair and it was mainly for people who had lost their hair through chemo. I understand that logically and I think it's a wonderful program and kudos to the cosmetics companies for donating to such a worthy cause. But part of me felt like the implication was that I didn't deserve to look better or feel better, that I didn't need a night of fun and support and doing girly things to feel more confident about myself. That because I hadn't lost my hair, then my chemo experience wasn't traumatic at all.
All the breast cancer patients talk about how lucky I am that I didn't lose my hair. I'd gladly shave it all off to have the chemo regimen they have. For one thing, they don't have nearly the number of treatments I do. They have eight, compared to my 12. They come for one day a week for chemo and come back the next day for a shot. I come three days a week. They stay for a maximum of 1.5 hours, my longest day is 4.5 hours. I wear a pump for 46 hours, they don't. The side effects they have, except for hair loss, are the same I go through but then I get some they don't.
I feel bad even admitting this here. I know in my heart that anyone with any kind of cancer deserves compassion, and that I didn't have to go through the trama of losing my breast or my hair. All I lost was part of my colon and it wasn't like we were really close or anything. Playing the game "Hey I've got it worse than you do" does no one any good. But I still couldn't help my anger. I just wanted her to shut up. She was there for her 7th of 8 treatments and then she would never be back. I knew I had more than four months ahead of me, and to hear her complain about being isolated made me want to scream. I wanted to tell her "You want to talk isolated? Try having a cancer in an area of your body that makes people so uncomfortable to think about they don't want to hear you talk about it. Try having no support from other cancer patients like you, none. Try looking for other people going through the same thing and not finding anyone. Not finding women who are trying to raise young kids through your type of chemo regimen because the majority of the people with your cancer are over 50, and male. You think I'm lucky because I haven't lost my hair? I'd take wearing a wig over not being able to breathe outside."
And I know it's so wrong for me to feel that way. That woman didn't deserve the hostility I was feeling toward her. She deserves my compassion. I feel like a terrible person, but heck I'm still upset about what she said.
Sorry to unload here. I know that you guys won't judge me too harshly, and at least I can talk about some stuff here.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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Wow. You know, Belle, one of my children commented on something pink the other day. Ooh, I wish I remember what it was. It was something that was associated with breast cancer, like, buy this, and the proceeds go to breast cancer. It was something that seemed obviously out of synch to them. Anyway, do not feel bad. I was on an online encephalitis support group for a while, and I left it, because I did not feel I had earned the membership. I had survived, and I had survived with my bodily functions intact. It was an odd feeling. Don't feel bad about any feelings you have, and please share them. And you raise such an interesting question: Why IS breast cancer so "in?" Why DOES it get more attention than other cancers?
I'm not sure what to say except I don't think you're a terrible person. Not even a wincy bit like one.
Posts: 4393 | Registered: Aug 2003
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For what it's worth, I don't think it's wrong for you to feel that way. You're human, you have emotions, and they're going to come out, especially at a time like this. What matters is what you choose to do with them. You wanted to tell her all those things and you didn't. You found a place where you have safety and comfort of some kind, and vented there.
Are there any support groups around there at all? *thinks* Does the hospital where you go have a social worker? It seems like there are more folks like you (like the man who commented to you) that might need a support group of their own, a place to talk about what's going on in your head without judgement, but with support.
Posts: 14745 | Registered: Dec 1999
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It always amazes me how blind people can be towards other people. When I see the really healthy ones, and all they do is complain about some extremely minor health problem that practically any of the patients would be thrilled to trade for, it's hard to be sympathetic and understanding sometimes.
Speaking of blind, my mom is legally blind, she has some pinpoint 20/200 in her left eye, that is all. It's amazing what things people say. When her brother got married his wife talked to her all the time about how contacts would look better in the wedding. Despite my mother telling her that the eyes were too bad off for contacts.
And then there is her clueless friend Alice, who absolutely fell to pieces when she had to wear glasses for awhile in her 40s. Just fell apart. She kept telling my mom (who wears big old coke bottle glasses for the little vision she does have) how unsightly glasses were and how her life was over. She kept it up for weeks. I think a part of me is still mad at Alice. If she had to fall apart over wearing glasses, why couldn't she at least do it in front of anyone besides the blind lady wearing the most unsightly glasses in town?
Posts: 1014 | Registered: Jul 2005
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Or ask the oncology nurses, Belle. The experienced ones will know all the support groups in town. Even my town has three nurses whose sole function in town is to help cancer patients gather help and information and to counsel them.
Posts: 1014 | Registered: Jul 2005
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Belle, with all of the stress and uncertainty you are going through, it is totally understandable that you would feel bursts anger now and then!
You know, I have never understood the big deal that people make out of breast cancer. I can understand that perhaps at one time it wasn't well known, or maybe it was taboo to talk about an illness that affected a woman's "naughty bits". Well, it isn't any more. It has received plenty of press and support, above and beyond any other illness. I just don't understand why it gets so much more attention than other kinds of cancer.
For a long time I joked with Porter that the reason why breast cancer got so much press is that the men in this world love for women to have *two* breasts. They are willing to do whatever is necessary to keep it that way. Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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quote:Ever felt some way, even though you know it's wrong and you shouldn't feel the way you do and you just can't help it?
This describes half the thoughts I have throughout the day.
Suffering is relative, but it's hard to watch someone who has gone through less than you complain like that woman did. Good job on not throwing your pillow at her. Posts: 4313 | Registered: Sep 2004
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I've found that sometimes the intensity of an unexpected reaction like that is what scares me the most, as if some raging beast came out of nowhere. That's me? It's scary.
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CT - yes that's it. I was shocked at my own reaction. "That's ME?" I'm the compassionate one, the one that comforts others the one people turn to when they need help or need to be lifted up and I'm thinking such terrible things about that woman?"
*sigh* You guys really do help. And I found an email support group through the colon cancer foundation - they call themselves the semi-colon club. Hey, props for the name alone.
I just joined and haven't gotten any emails yet, but maybe it will turn out to be a good thing.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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To be even more frank, I then usually start to doubt all sorts of stuff about myself. I mean, I thought I was calm, rational, supportive trustworthy reasonable-good-good-good. Good grief, what else do I not know about myself? Can I trust myself at all?
*big hugs again
I think this may make sense to you: this is why I think it's so important to spend time around kids before having them, be it baby-sitting or friends' kids or whatever. The very first time you find yourself get furious at an infant (an infant! Is there anyone less deserving of angry feelings?) can be terrifying. It's good to learn that sometimes it happens, and -- you know, it'll be okay.
(Of course, maybe there are people who've never been furious at the 30th hour of nonstop colic, but I've yet to meet them. )
That feeling can wash like a wave over you, and you won't necessarily act on it, or be scarred or marked by it. Most importantly, you won't necessarily hurt anyone else because of it. Having been through it once makes it easier to recognize and deal with when it happens again.
We are awesome beings. Powerful emotions, intense thoughts, strong desires. Sometimes that's the fuel that keeps us alive. Kind of like (forgive the analogy) the agonal respirations that may occur at the end of life, when the body seems to be desperately trying to restart itself and just will not let go.
I bet it isn't a coincidence that this happened to you at such a vulnerable [situation as where you get chemo]. I've never come up with anything that feels more soul-destroying than deliberately participating in harming oneself. Chemo is miraculous, but it also requires those who take it to be complicit in, really, destroying a part of their own selves.
What a perfect time for a charged, energetic, life-filled gasp of self-affirming emotion.
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Belle, everyone has bad thoughts every once in a while. Your actions showed you to be the wonderful person that we constantly see on Hatrack.
As for why breast cancer gets the most attention... it is the most common form of cancer in females. It's also somewhat easy to identify early, thus all women are encouraged to check for it. It's unfortunate that other types of cancer don't get more attention, but I think it's understandable why breast cancer gets the most.
Posts: 1947 | Registered: Aug 2002
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My wife and I had a discussion about something similiar just a few days ago.
We spend a lot of time in hospitals with my daughter, and one of the things that helps us deal with the experience is trying to keep her illness in as positive a perspective as possible. Many children have it so much worse than our daughter does, and being thankful for what blessings we have allows us to stay calm and rational through whatever the day brings us.
However...the only time that I have difficulty dealing with our hospital stays is when I find myself listening to whiny, complaining, self-pitying parents. Like you said, it's not a matter of playing the "lets compare illnesses" game, but it's so frustrating to hear such a self-defeating attitude coming from someone who has it easier in terms of conditions and treatments than you do.
I understand your anger, but ultimately, you have to let the anger go. That doesn't mean that you have to like the person, or pretend that it doesn't upset you, but you also shouldn't bottle it up inside you either. You can feel compassion for her, but that doesn't mean that she didn't also deserve your anger and scorn.
Next time someone tells you how lucky you are, tell them what you told us. It might help, it might not, but at least you tried.
Posts: 1480 | Registered: Dec 2004
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Belle, I think the way you felt is totally normal and natural and I don't think you should feel bad about it in the least. The fact that you care about the way that you felt afterwards shows that you are a very compassionate and aware person and kudos to you for letting yourself feel those emotions and then share them in a constuctive way. For what it's worth, you could talk about your colon around me anytime and it wouldn't bother me at all but I really wouldn't know what to say (because I never ever do) and maybe that's more the reason people get uncomfortable, because they just don't know what to say. *hugs*
Posts: 37 | Registered: Oct 2005
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Belle, I don't comment here because you don't know me well but I follow your thread/experience. I just wanted you to know that threads like this one are the reason that I joined Hatrack. I love your real reaction to a situation and the honesty you described it here for us. You are a wonderful and caring individual and I appreciate your sharing with me.
Posts: 697 | Registered: Nov 2005
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I had a call at work a couple of weeks ago from a fellow who is suffering from Hepatitis C. He expressed some of the same feelings towards folks with AIDS. He gets HIV tests monthly, and almost hopes he comes up positive.
There are so many foundations and funds and resources for people with AIDS, but nada for people with Hep C, even though they are transmitted the same way and have similar outcomes. But AIDS is the politically correct disease these days, and if you have something else, you're out of luck.
It's unfortunate that so many (or so few?) diseases get all the attention.
Posts: 2069 | Registered: May 2001
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The attention given to one disease over another isn't too troubling to me. It's the individual attitudes of self-pityine people that bother me.
Posts: 1480 | Registered: Dec 2004
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Belle, I know just how you feel. If you're a bad person, then I'm a terrible person. There were times when Andrew and I would be in the support group with the parents of 29- or 32-weekers and I'd be thinking, "Gee, how tough you have it, your baby is breathing room air and doesn't have a feeding tube. Oh, boo hoo, you had a vaginal birth and you baby isn't even in an isolette." I knew they were unkind and unfair, but I couldn't help it. I kept my mouth shut because I know that just because my daughter was sicker, it doesn't mean that their child wasn't sick or that they didn't have the right to be worried.
I think how you're feeling is perfectly natural and it's a credit to you that you recognize that it might not be totally fair.
Posts: 3037 | Registered: Jan 2002
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And for the record, heck I don't begrudge breast cancer getting attention. I'm a woman and I have three daughters, I love the fact that breast cancer does get attention and money does get raised for it, that is to my benefit and to the benefit of every woman I know.
I feel better today. You guys help. It was just a bad day altogether, I was already frustrated because I figured I was going to get sent home.
Today I splurged on myself. I went to the bookstore and bought a book on wirework for jewelry making and then when I came home a package of beads that I had mail-ordered had arrived. I'm going to make something pretty, and then I'm going to wear it. I do deserve to look better and feel better and instead of whining about how bad I have it I'd rather do something about that. I also made a hair appointment because mine needs both cut and color and I've been putting it off, thinking what's the point? I hardly ever go anywhere and who cares what my hair looks like? But I've since decided that I care, and there's nothing wrong with doing stuff that makes me feel better and more confident when I do make it out. Plus, my hubby told me last night that since I'll have this extra week off and more time for the side effects to fade, I might feel pretty good on Saturday so he wants to take me out to dinner and a movie. Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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quote:I also made a hair appointment because mine needs both cut and color and I've been putting it off, thinking what's the point? I hardly ever go anywhere and who cares what my hair looks like? But I've since decided that I care, and there's nothing wrong with doing stuff that makes me feel better and more confident...
This is why I still try to look nice, wear makeup, put on jewelry in the morning, despite the fact that I work from home and no one is going to see me. It makes a difference. (I have my larisse-made Hatrack Gift Exchange earrings on today )
I'm glad you're doing better today, Belle. I don't blame you at all for feeling as you did. But I'm really glad you didn't stay in that feeling, feeding it.
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
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Belle, I am so glad you are feeling better. I don't think you have anything to feel bad about. You are not only a great person, you are a GOOD person. Keep your positive attitude up.
Which book did you get? The DIY channel aired a wire wrapping episode on their Jewelry Making show this morning. It was very cool. The episode was called Twisting the Night Away. What kind of beads did you get? I would love to see what you end up doing with them.
jeniwren, glad you liked them. The color was really fun to work with.
Posts: 822 | Registered: Jul 2001
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You are SOOOO not a terrible person, Belle. At worst, you are a person under amazing stress caused in large part by your own - and statistically much more deadly, as you pointed out in your treatment thread - disease.
So vent away, my dear!
Posts: 4515 | Registered: Jul 2004
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Aw, honey. I have sympathy for you, and your rotten, stinking plight. I have a friend who sent me some dopey email of an animated woman walking. The caption said that the woman is walking to raise awareness about breast cancer, and that I am supposed to forward it to every woman I know. Well, before I deleted the email, I emailed her back. If there is one disease that does not need more "awareness" it is breast cancer. Gosh, to see how everyone is so aware of it, you'd be surprised to find that there are ANY other diseases out there. Except for muscular dystrophy. They have that Labor Day Telethon.
I went to Nursing School, so I am a Medical Professional (all bow in awe, please). I have learned through both my schooling and my professional experience, that there are other diseases out there. Lay people just aren't aware of them.
I'm sure that the kvetchy woman does feel isolated because she can't do all the stuff she was doing before her diagnosis (like hanging out with her pals in the weekly boob club meetings). So her feelings are legit.
Yours are too. You may be entering that fun and stimulating anger phase of coping. Anger is one of my favorites. The self-righteousness is very refreshing.
Anyway, you have my sympathies for all your tsouris (troubles). And go ahead and unload and kvetch to Hatrack any time.
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
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Playing the game "Hey I've got it worse than you do" does no one any good. But I still couldn't help my anger. I just wanted her to shut up. She was there for her 7th of 8 treatments and then she would never be back. I knew I had more than four months ahead of me, and to hear her complain about being isolated made me want to scream. I wanted to tell her "You want to talk isolated? Try having a cancer in an area of your body that makes people so uncomfortable to think about they don't want to hear you talk about it. Try having no support from other cancer patients like you, none. Try looking for other people going through the same thing and not finding anyone. Not finding women who are trying to raise young kids through your type of chemo regimen because the majority of the people with your cancer are over 50, and male. You think I'm lucky because I haven't lost my hair? I'd take wearing a wig over not being able to breathe outside."![[Cry]](graemlins/cry.gif)
And I know it's so wrong for me to feel that way. That woman didn't deserve the hostility I was feeling toward her. She deserves my compassion. I feel like a terrible person, but heck I'm still upset about what she said. 
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For what it's worth, I don't think it's wrong for you to feel that way. You're human, you have emotions, and they're going to come out, especially at a time like this. What matters is what you choose to do with them. You wanted to tell her all those things and you didn't. You found a place where you have safety and comfort of some kind, and vented there. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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