posted
Here's the sad tale of me in the past month.
Warning
This is long. If you're prepared to sit and read lightly over a few stages, feel welcome, but it's no joke. Also, some of the stuff is copied off another Web-site, so not all fits in perfectly. But I tried to keep its integrity nonetheless...
Prelude
I've been living a happy life until last Wednesday. So right, during my first months on Hatrack I had killer feelings for someone; and I don't know whether that is over completely, but all this time I've been more or less rational in thought.
No, I'm not saying I wasn't as weird as always. Just saying I was under relative control.
The thing is that even though I've had minor affections and feelings for various, none of them were quite crushes. I've never had a Valentine, I've never had anyone (except for Black Bush and Glenfiddich) kiss me as the years change. It's February 2006; I've been around since May 1990 and never had a girlfriend, never lost my lips' cherry, and never got my guts around to doing something serious. I'm damn hopeless.
Saturday, 28/01
I went to one of my best friends's place for the Shabbat. A nice Persian family, I've known my friend since 4th grade (making this the seventh year of friendship), and never got stuck with him in a conversation where we both fall silent. I believe he's a great guy, he believes I'm a great guy, and we just get along perfectly together.
In fact, out fathers work at the same school – teaching English (mine) and electronics (his); so we got to hang around there once in a while, so we've got a long line of friendship and we can talk about anything. I've got other, probably better, friends – but none to whom I can talk to about absolutely everything.
No, this is not a thread revealing gayness, in case you thought so.
Anyway, we got to talk about our love life. That should have, so to speak, taken about 2 minutes to go over it; but as we're both subtle, we've discussed over that Shabbat every single problem we had in crushes, attraction, discussing looks versus personality, and concluded that we need to have girlfriends.
He already was attracted to one, probably about to fall in love with her too – a platonic friend of ours from our gifted school, a girl who seems to like to bite people and me in particuler (God knows why), and is really sweet, as well as good looking. Light-hearted, always cheerful, practically utopian.
After discussing for a long while whom I should have, after a long analysis of my history and problems (during which a little information concerning my big crush from last year was revealed to me – basically public opinion regarding an embarrassing thing I did), the final mark was set upon a girl who's quite younger than me, but nonetheless sweet, very open about anything, and who doesn't seem to have any taboos concerning anything; she looks, in fact, better and hotter than my friend's dame (which means something), and our characters seemed to match during our brief (as in, one month, seeing each other once or twice a week) active [platonic] relationship.
We decided to have a date each, then tak'em out for a double date. On Thursday we'd see them both, and try our luck.
Thursday, 02/02
School decided to have a trip on Thursday. In the wise words of Kevin Bloody Wilson: "Argh, ****!" We did a whole annoying thing, which I won't elaborate now, and I hoped to reach my gifted school by 17:00. I made it by 16:15, skipping report-cards being handed out at school for that issue. I had a permit, thank God. And even if not, I'd go off nonetheless.
So at 17:00, after my Yoga lesson was over, I went down into the photography room, where she and some other friends of mine were present at the time, and I just stuck around, talking and seeing what her mood was. Gave her a hug and all, but didn't hint anything.
Meanwhile my friend called me from upstairs asking me whether I've done anything, I told him I was about to, and he just mentioned that he has a date set for Monday with his love. I was so happy for him, but had to think of how to ask her out. No shit, no play – just ask and be done with it!
So that's what I did, sort of. I came up to her, called her softly, and when she turned to me I said: "In collaborated decision between me and... myself, I have decided I want to date you" (it sounds way more natural in Hebrew). She just shrugged happily, smiled and said "why not?", then gave me a hug*.
A minute later she said that she's fears my fragile heart. Now, it's not that I'm too obsessed with machismo, but I'm not a weakling either (might be proven otherwise in this post), so come on...! But apparently, she thought otherwise. Future Madamme Howard didn't want to harm me, so basically she said she doesn't want anything too serious; a date "whenever", arbitrary.
She has a friend in hospital, though, saith she (and I believe her fully about this, no argument), and every spare minute she tries to spend with her. So she can't really tell me when she can go on a date. "Probably next week." This issue, of course, if of top priority to me; I would never dare assume myself more important than a friend in hospital. I let it go without any argument, since there was none to make, and if there was it would be so unethical.
So I went and celebrated with my friend over some beer in town, regarding our recent success. I then left home, joyous as he. From then on, things started deteriarating.
Friday, 03/02
riday flowed normally; Australia beat South-Africa in a One-Day match, in a very impressive spell of Brett Lee’s bowling, and Shaun Pollock wasn’t there to save the wrath. I tutored some maths and got a nice sum of money I get for teaching it for an hour. Things seemed to be alright, and I knew that on Saturday night I’d give the one I like a call, or send an SMS (just to avoid parental clutter), so I had nothing to worry about.
Issues started when I was sending and receiving another 20 SMSes or so that day to another friend of mine, asking her to come and meet me at the synagogue I was going to anyway in order to get my report card (her original initiation to see each other in the first place). She said she’ll try, though the weather might interfere. I left about 15 minutes before Shabbat entered, just to avoid a case of being late for the Mincha service (that I would probably get to lead, if I were lucky), and apparently about 5 minutes later she sent me an SMS saying her father forbade her walking 20 minutes in the rain and winds. Can’t quite blame either of them, but I was already out of the house.
Add to that the fact that my other friend with the report card didn’t come; again – because of the weather – and it’s a little depressing. I almost went to that synagogue for nothing, although the good side of it is that I got to do a different tune for a Piyut they have at the end of the Mincha service, which was commented to me by one of the synagogue’s founders as a ‘revolutionary’ act, as for 25 years they never thought of anything different for that Piyut.
Still, walking back home in the rain was a depressing thing, and I don’t know how much was it worth the whole process of walking 30 minutes wet and freezing just for a new tune. My mother warned me, I said I’m meeting friends, they didn’t come. And then I’m called a fragile, gutless person. Well, at least I passed by that friend’s home and collected the report-card, with an average of 86% of grades, including one mess-up in grades (77 in biology – a whole other issue I might relate to later) but many grades over 90%.
Came back home a little later than what I was asked to be home by, so that ran a little nerve up my parent for a short while. So we had the Shabbat meal, and I quickly deserted and went to a friend’s place. I’m there almost every Friday night hanging around, and the family actually wants me there, which is slightly weird. My friend’s 10-year-old brother slipped a word about me to his mother (who sat adjacently to me) – saying that she once said to him that “Jonny’s a very nice and smart kid and all, a good inspiration to <my friend>, but he’s a tad odd”. She immediately denied, saying he must’ve misinterpreted something else, but as you know – kids say the truth, sometimes, regardless of ethics… She told me she’d never said that, and wasn’t even flushing or anything. I told her I know I’m odd, and thank goodness I am, or else I’d be completely uncharacteristic.
She just sternly stuck to her previous statement with a good case, and I let the issue drop. But I’m still certain that she mentioned something about my unusualness to her son. Not that I mind, but it still a little unpleasant to hear about people talking about you behind your back, mentioning feats that are regarded by them at the time as negative ones.
Saturday, 04/02
Comes the morning and the headlights fade away; I wasn’t feeling too great, a little melancholy after a bad night’s sleep and after that long, annoying weekend, which wouldn’t be over for another two whole days (just this week); and weekends are the favourite part of the week! This one just horribly sucked. I went to the synagogue I usually go to, near my home, and didn’t even enjoy the service too much. Maybe I was a little depressed, but nothing seemed to go quite right, both in terms of my feelings for everything, and in terms of a few things that got a little weird in the whole procedure of the service.
I saw a friend of mine there, gave her a ‘hello’ smile, but couldn’t get to talk to her at the Kiddush (little meal) after the service. I got to talk to some other people, though, but I still felt weird the whole time. I came back home (we’re now at 11:30), and we were all invited to old neighbours’ for lunch, back when we lived about 10 minutes’ walk away from where we are now. Incidentally, those who’re now living in that flat are a young, married couple, and the wife was my brother’s first girlfriend in 9th grade. She also knows my roll-teacher (who also knows my brother – old connections); and so we sat down to eat and have a nice time of a talk.
My parents went home, and that family’s kids (whom I know from many years back) wanted me to stay and play Monopoly. We had a very interesting game (I was on the verge of losing, having only two properties, one of them parallel – in that weird version – to Mayfair, and then I got two people bankrupt on my properties, gaining several monopolies and cash, I rose quickly making a few thousand $, but lost it in a bad stroke of luck), and after it ended (15:30) I went back home.
I went to bed, having my usual Shabbat Afternoon Sleep™, and woke up around 19:30, joyous that the following day I wouldn’t have any school. Happy, eh? Well, I’ll get to that later. The whole weekend sucked like hell, and it got no better Sunday.
Anyway, the one whose eyes are nothing like the sun** didn’t reply to the SMS I sent her, and I wouldn’t risk calling her (“parental trouble”, I was warned by her ex-boyfriend; “they’ll kill you, she doesn’t give a shit about them, but you’ll be risking it”). So I let it go, not trying to push too much. Usually on Saturday evenings I am in a horrible form, having woken up in the evening, it feels horrible. I hate it, but can’t resist it. So I stayed home the whole night, hoping for more information to leak out regarding some stuff that was revealed to me (if you recall) the previous Saturday; none did.
Sunday, 05/02
Sunday came and I woke up around 08:30-09:00 to the sound of the renovations upstairs. It is one thing when you’ve got school and miss it, but a whole other thing when you have it and want to kill the damn workers causing it. I was debating myself whether to do a task I was asked to do in espionage which required going somewhere, or go to my friend’s place, who invited me to come over and play the Expansion Pack to Rome – Total War. I chose the latter.
Went over, ordered a pizza and somewhat enjoyed watching The Empire Strikes Back, not that I’m a great Star Wars fan, but for a course in my gifted school I thought of watching it early, just in case. I still owe him 20 NIS, which I gracefully now have to pay him back. It wasn’t a particularly good day, but a survivable one.
Then came the evening, and with it I decided to call the one whom this gives life to her (as she didn’t answer the phone the previous night – it was off, apparently). She answered, and I asked her whether she wants to go on a date sometime in the near future, to which she replied that she doesn’t know because of her friend in hospital and all, but she’d let me know if anything comes up; got me all weird-feeling again. I spoke to my good friend who was supposed to have a date the following day, and he said there’s nothing to worry about, and in the worst scenario I’ll talk to her that Thursday anyway, so I can calm down. “Get her out of your head”, quoth he; but all the boards did shrink.
Monday, 06/02
Went to school, and for the first time I felt the true Monday Blues; I wasn’t focused on anything and my teachers were very annoyed with me. "What happened to you?! You usually ace this class, and you're [/i]asleep[/i]***?!" I came back home at 17:30 and later on that night I had a lecture at the Institute in-charge of my school, concerning problems with Judaism and Halakha. Came back home at 21:30 and talked a little on Messenger; I can’t remember to whom about what, but the occurrence (information-leak) I was waiting for didn’t have a remote sign of happening. All the while feeling heavier because I hadn’t stopped thinking about my datee and her friend in hospital, whom I don’t know.
Tuesday, 07/02
Came home on Tuesday an hour late because I was a little late for school, I can’t blame anyone, but it’s still annoying… I had promised a friend of mine to bring a book I was reading, but forgot it, so I told him I’d bring it later on in the evening when I met him at a youth-club. Well, little to say but that he was very annoyed when I hadn’t found it that afternoon; he almost beat me up out of agony, asked whether I want to have a drink in town that night, I told him I don’t like getting drunk too much, so he shoved me off and searched for others elsewhere.
Wednesday, 08/02
The following day I got him the book – which was lying in my bag all along – and it drove him a little weirder and more pissed-off then usual (the book is Bored of the Rings – very messed up). We had many lessons, up until 17:15, but as we had a huge exam, we’d get those last ones cancelled.
Now, we are two classes in the grade, and every lesson is ~50 minutes. So the other class has their big lunch-break around 14:10, and we have ours the following lesson, from 15:00 – after sports – until 15:50 or so. Both our classes had a surprise test in the lesson between 13:20 and 14:10, and they didn’t mind, as they had a big break in-between the test and the exam; we had sports, which only made it worse.
I got out of sport 15 minutes early after I ran 400m with a horrible result – 98 seconds. Then, I failed to remember all the things for the test and I think I might be getting a result of 85%; which is below my average in that subject (Hebrew grammar).
Came back home around 16:00, and was a little depressant. I sent an SMS around 20:00 to my dame saying “hope your friend’s feeling better; see you tomorrow! <smiley>, J”. She didn’t reply. Alone, alone; all, all alone.
I went to bed a bit excited, hoping to speak to her a little on Thursday (then’s tomorrow); a little stressed and confused, but optimistic to have a lovely weekend.
Thursday, 09/02
Dawn
I woke up early, around 06:30, still excited about meeting my girlfriend (can/could I even call her that?) in two hours’ time, and I hoped to see her before the beginning of the lessons; id est, by 08:15. It took me 15 minutes to get up. Rushing between my bedroom (with my computer in it) and the kitchen (breakfast), I got delayed. I had a toast with smoked cheese for breakfast, and a petty cup of Taster’s Choice. I under-coffeed it, and slightly overmilked. I need one cup of coffee, slightly less (dark-brown) sugar, and not too much milk per mug'o coffee... That one I made just didn't fit.
I had a page of poetry I wanted to hand a teacher, so I was printing it out while washing the dishes from breakfast. In the end, I forgot about the poetry, and just left late aimlessly.
Morning
I buggered around until roughly 07:25, which was a little shameful. Since I take two buses to reach the gifted school, I can come in anytime between 08:00 and 08:45; so I thought of making it earlier, leaving around 07:15 – instead of my usual 07:30 – just to make sure I get to see her.
But things arose and I left somewhat late; after I got off the first bus (07:40), I thought I’d see a friend of mine there, but she didn’t seem to be there at the time. Ah, well, must’ve missed her bus, I’ll catch the next one. Packed with 100 NIS in cash which I took from my father the previous night (he owed me 300, but I – being poor – had no money on me, so I took out of the ATM 400 and took 100, as my father told me to do), I considered a taxi. Next thing I know, this bus stops at the bus-stop; I was too concerned with my damsel and the dulcimer in my vison-ative head, that I didn’t notice that friend until she waved her hand wildly saying “Woohoo! Howard!” then jumped and hugged me. For the first time I realised how truly fun it is to receive a surprise hug from someone you like when you’re feeling melancholy. I do it to people – mainly girls – all the time. (And that’s simply because male-male relations follow a different body language.)
Took the bus we needed when it arrived, travelled and babbled for half an hour or so, as we were joined by another person we know, and finally we reached the gifted school, joined by another three people who were sitting further forward on the bus. It took the guard about ten minutes to come to the front gate after we screamed and someone heard. By that time it was drizzling and freezing so we all wanted to go in. I went into my first lesson.
At School
The first lesson was alright, nothing too special, which finished at 09:30. After I ended it, I met up with my friend (who had a date on Monday, though nothing quite resulted out of it, there was a mutual decision that Platonic it will remain), and he said to me “go on, she’s right over there, ask her out and ask her when!” with an anxious voice. So I went over – she was talking to someone – so I bumped'im off and gave her a hug, which she seemed a little reluctant to return. Next thing I know, the guy shoves me off lightly saying “hey, I was in a middle of a conversation!”. Yeah, and I was in the middle of hugging the girl I'm dating. “Sorry.”
Didn’t get to talk to her much more after that, as I have different lessons from her, and she seemed to practically run away from me the whole day. Usually we bump into each other non-stop, but this time she practically evaded me the whole day long.
All the while I was trying to get the information-leaking to leak, And I even pushed it a little. The only problem was that I could not reveal any bit of me wanting it to happen – or it wouldn’t.
Finally, I got to see her around 14:00 or so, so I popped-up behind her and gave her a surprise hug – obviously making sure my embracing arm doesn’t lay either on her breast or her throat (so she feels under neither violation nor assassination). She just shrugged me off saying I’m choking her. For crying out loud! I’m her (boyfriend?)! I’ve treated her with nothing but gentleness… But she seems to think otherwise, apparently.
I had lunch with her and another few people the break before that, and it took me practically hours to find her; when I finally managed to speak to her privately, I asked her how her friend is, and politely inquiring with sympathy what has she got. Getting the answer (not a very delighting one), she more or less nudged me out of the way, seeming like she really doesn’t want a hug. Weird, since the previous Thursday she was all in for hugs – that is after I asked her out.
So I kept on in the day, not knowing what she was planning, not knowing when or where she was going or doing, what to do about her and how to do what was needed to be done. Finally, I came up with a decisive plan: I’ll tell her that if she can’t get to date in the near future, if she has no idea what, when and where, if she’s restless – then there’s no point keeping any ember alive. There’s no oxygen for it to breathe on…
OK, well maybe not that exact phrasing. Liquor
After School
I popped out of yoga (the last course I have) as soon as I could, hoping to catch Miss Runaway and ask her for once and for all whether she’s regretting saying ‘yes’, therefore not too keen to date me anymore, or else what is she playing at. Because I simply don’t get it! I wanted to ask her that – but didn’t, because of many reasons, namely because she wasn’t there.
Evening
Talked to my friend whom I hung-about with the previous week, asking him what about the info-leaking; he said "soon". A long story, but he didn't know anything, so he just pushed the "leaker" to tell me all he/she knows (as he knows only some of it, and I know all that he knows). We hung around town and I wanted to drown my misery in Finlandia, except I wouldn't truse myself under the effect of alcohol in public without a sober person next to me nonstop.
So I just had a beer, and another guy hung around with us all the time. After I got rid of him I could talk openly to my friend about all my troubles. He suggested to ask her for once and for all what does she want; I don't know whether I should push it too much.
I had a long scene over MSN with a friend, which was the straw that broke my back; I went to bed a few minutes later, and had nightmares all along. I woke up Friday morning with eyes half open, and for another 30 minutes I still had nightmares, though I was fully and consciously awake. The first time I wanted to resleep...
Conclusion, 10/02 onwards
After almost having a nervous breakdown on the Saturday that followed up ("Jonathan, are you alright? You seem like you have a headache?" Yeah I wish! also had a long and miserable scene with me getting pissed off at my brother), and another Sunday of misery, yesterday (Monday), another friend of mine just told me to let it slide down to nothing.
Last time I did it resulted in untuned heartstrings, to say the least. I don't know if I'm completely over it in the first place; add to it everything else that happened this week, and I'm bloody dead.
If any part of this was obscure or you want extra details, more elaborations or you need me to relate one issue to another, if you want a background story in more detail – just say and I'll add it on.
Bonus points for locating all the references here. Also for spotting intentional alliteration, assonance and onomatopoeia.
Miserably, Jonny
--- * A sensational one, to which I responded by putting my hand on the back of her head instead of just the top of her back. She might've even perked up her breast; with her, who knows... It felt like it anyway, though maybe she just hugged me more tightly...
** Actually, they're a beautiful sky-blue, a perfect match for her long, blonde hair.
*** Just with my head on the table, eyes closed, and thinking about her all the time. But what would the teachers need to know about that?
Posts: 2978 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
Sorry things didn't come out like you wanted, but as they say, love and learn.
My guess is that she likes you as a friend. She agreed to an open-ended date because she was shocked when you asked her out (the fact that she wouldn't set a specific time for the date is a dead giveaway) and didn't want to hurt your feelings. She does like you, just not the way you like her. Don't take it personally, and don't let it stop you from doing the same thing the next time you're interested in someone.
Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
What about the issue with her friend in hospital? I know for a fact that it's true, because she mentioned it before I ever asked her out. Could that be the real reason?
P.S. Thanks for the sympathy and advice. Posts: 2978 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
I don't doubt that she has a friend in the hospital; I doubt that that is the real reason for postponing the date. My experience is that when something sounds like an excuse, it probably is. If a coworker invites me to his kid's birthday party and I don't want to go, I'll might tell him I have to go shopping for a birthday present for my brother. Which I will have to do that day; I'm not gonna lie. But I am misleading him as to how much time I'm gonna spend shopping.
I know a lot of girls that do this a lot, to avoid hurting guys' feelings. I don't think it always works real well, because if the guy doesn't recognize what's happening he thinks she's still interested and continues to pursue her. Things get more and more awkward, and the girl is forced to act less and less interested in the guy until he gets the hint. Sound familiar?
If I ask a girl out and she says she's busy, I ask her for another day that would be more convenient. If she's noncommittal, I know she's letting me down easy and I smile and move on. The thing that's hard to learn is that when someone isn't interested in you it's not a failure on your part. It's just the way things go sometimes. It's not a judgement, because chemistry is a funny and thoroughly unpredictable thing.
Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
Another point: even if a girl has agreed to a single date, she is not your girlfriend. Making this mistake can be FATAL to a budding relationship.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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quote: my girlfriend (can/could I even call her that?)
- lucky I kept it under careful language. I feel like I've finally acieved it.
If so, where is the borderline? When does she become your girlfriend according to the same norms that dictate one date doesn't make her your girlfriend? A first kiss? Third date? The amount of 'bases' equalling a fifth of your age?
Posts: 2978 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
She becomes your girlfriend when you ask her to date you exclusively, and she says yes. Or when you've been dating casually for long enough that you realize you've become serious about one another completely by surprise.
Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
Cheer up, Jonny! In the future, women will hurt you much more creatively than this one has. And I don't think she wanted to hurt you.You set yourself up for this.
2 possibilities:she wanted to let you down easy, as de Spang suggested, or she was too busy with her sick friend and other stuff to date right now. Either way, you can't rush her. By stepping on the gas, you come off as insensitive, at least that's how I saw it from your post. If she was just too busy but might have dated you later, you might have blown it already. Don't fret, we've all been there. Just try to be more casual, and confident. I can't manage that, but maybe you can.
My advice would be to try and hang out more with girls, singly or in groups instead of obessesing about dates or girlfriends. Mellow out.
I just bumped back to where we were, as if nothing happened. She seems to be settling into the lack of rhythm well; but that's just me.
The hang-around-with-girls trick I had for the past few years works very well, that's how I got her in the first place. But thanks for casualty advice, I just try to be natural in public, all stressed when alone.
Mellow... Hmm. I'll have to work on that. Thanks again!
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